Admitting My Bitterness, Hate, and Resentment

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Extreme Unit

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I’ve been doing some heavy reflection lately, and have realized that I am a misanthrope and an *******.

I have anger and hate and bitterness that has made me a dick to everyone around me, especially my family. I hold grudges and remember stuff like fights, breakups, and other traumatic events from many years ago, even if the offender attempts to resolve the problem. I take things personally when they aren’t even directed at me. I’m not the type of angry person who lashes out and becomes violent, but rather keeps things bottled up and stews about them simply to avoid going to jail or living on the street. Consequently, no one knows what I think or feel; they just assume I’m okay. I wanted to find something in life to be proud of and to have security in, but apparently I’d been looking in the wrong places. I haven’t felt happy in a long time, even though I may have a supportive family and lived a pretty good childhood. I developed a mentality of, “If this wasn’t happening, life would be better” or “If I had this, I would be happy”. I was never satisfied and when a problem was resolved, there was always something else to be bothered by, which resulted in the following behaviors over the past decade:

-I was abusive to the family dogs. My parents would punish me by making me sit in my room and repeatedly write thousands of sentences along the lines of “I will not hurt the dogs”. 

-I was insecure with my body image and went through three eating disorders that got me put in rehab and caused a lot of trouble for my family and friends. 

-I got into physical fights with my parents, which got me put in two more mental rehabs. 

-I don’t celebrate much of anything about life, including my birthday, nor did I attend my high school graduation because I was angry at my parents for putting me in public school against my wishes even though the students and teachers treated me well. 

-When I moved out on my own last year, the landlord and her son were generous about where I could put my food and when I could pay the rent. In turn, I was respectful of their wants and needs, yet I had nothing but hateful thoughts about them because their three dogs’ excessive barking made the house a noisy and chaotic environment; the landlord did nothing whatsoever to control them, so I left and moved back in with my mom where I am now.  

-I hate marriage out of envy, and I resent my sister and brothers for having achieved their marriages despite impossible circumstances. I had my first girlfriend for the short time I was living on my own, but one day she stopped talking to me and basically left me, and that’s mostly what I’ve been seething about lately. So I figure that, if I am to be the only single member of my family, why should I tolerate other people’s marriages and relationships? 

My parents tried to help me with my schooling and being independent, but I can confirm that even though I appreciate everything my family has done for me, I don’t love them. I see them as a necessity or an obligation because I still need to depend on them, yet I’m embarrassed to be part of this family that I’ve been cruel and hostile to. They were able to forgive me of my trespasses, but I never forgave them of theirs. I wonder if a major reason for the clash between me and my family might be that I’m the only atheist; the rest are Christians, and so I think differently than they do. For that reason, along with the fact that I don’t celebrate anything, I rarely participate in family events; even if I wanted to, my conscience doesn’t allow it because I know I’ve been bad to them. They’ve said they will always love me and be there for me if I need them, which makes me an even bigger *******.    
 
I understand that my behaviors are wrong and that dwelling on the past and being angry all the time is keeping me from moving forward with my life. I feel dead inside, and lack the mental and physical energy to concentrate on my drawings, let alone my homework and job applications. So what if I try to be a “nice” guy, change my way of thinking, and accept what I can’t control? Does that mean I can’t hate on romantic relationships even though they’re emphasized and glorified in practically every aspect of society? Should I conform to my family’s religious beliefs? Should I become a hermit in some shitty town and forget about wanting to live somewhere nice? Is that what it means to be happy? I understand that life is hard for everyone I know, yet somehow they manage to stay positive and eventually get what they want. I’ve been angry for so long that I’ve forgotten what happiness is like.

How am I supposed to confront my angry thoughts? What’s the answer to surrendering oneself and being free from bitterness and hate? 
 
I didn't read your entire post (I'm tired), but I am confident of at least one fact - you are NOT an ******* ... what does that word mean, anyway ?

In a society that loves to label people, do more labels really help ? Humans are infinitely complex and cannot be encapsulated with just a few labels, the way you labeled yourself ... "misanthrope" and "*******".

I am also quite confident that you are not a true misanthrope, because there are none. No one is born with a hatred of humanity. Unless you are a Terminator sent back in time to wipe out humanity, I don't think you qualify to be called a misanthrope.

I don't know much about you, so let me focus on what I do know. You, like anyone else, were shaped by your experiences, your surrounding culture, the people in your life. You did not set out with the goal of being bitter or having hatred in your heart.

What I really wanna tell you is that you are being too hard on yourself and are giving yourself too much credit for the way you are. You never had that much control over your life ! None of us do ! Stop blaming yourself and degrading yourself for the way you are. Start there.

It is, of course, great that you are reflecting and contemplating on why you are the way you are. Improvement can only then begin. But, please try not to hate yourself for what the world did to you. Just try to be the best person you can be. That's all any of us can do, really.
 
Is this really how you wish to live you life? It sounds like you are spending all of your energy blaming everyone and everything around you. The good news is that you seem to recognize that you are your own worst enemy. Just curious, but how does hating on someone else's marriage help YOU? How does being angry, bitter, and nasty, even to the people who love you, help YOU? Has all this anger and hate done a **** thing to improve your life?
And, you can certainly spend all of your days blaming, hating, being angry, etc. And, then what? For what? It has become your way of coping and it is getting in your way. Only YOU have the power to change you. And, it's the lazy, easy way out to blame everyone and live in resentment than it is to work on changing yourself.
Unfortunately, i see so many people who simply just choose to exist. In fact, i went thru a very difficult time of life, where that was all that i could do. But, one day, i realized that i let my depression and circumstances become my excuse. My excuse to not be a a better person. My excuse to not TRY and work harder at life. So, i realized that my life is best lived by finding enthusiasm. I allowed myself to enjoy TODAY. To enjoy preparing a good meal. To enjoy taking my dog for a walk. Whateverr. At this point, i have become an awesome home cook because i threw myself into whatever i was doing with single minded enthusiasm.
I believe you have the intelligence and ability to move forward as you have great insight into your own behavior. It has just become a habit to behave this way. So, now, if you want to change, just stop it. Stop focusing on the bad things of the world. For every rose there are tons of thorns. Stop looking at only the thorns. Yeah, it's a cliche, but it's true. Get up tomorrow and do something WELL. Do something with care and deliberation and effort and not apply a half arsed effort. Make yourself a darn good meal. Clean your house. Volunteer to coach at the Y, etc.
 
Somnambulist: Well, I can tell you that I'm not being hard on myself. Life has already done a good job of that. You are correct in saying we can't control our lives (except of course for how we react and deal with them, which is something I was never good at). Also, a misanthrope isn't always limited to someone who goes and shoots up a school or something; on a less extreme level, it can include someone like me who simply avoids people out of contempt and distrust.

dd11: Thank you for your response. I know that my hating on other people's marriages is judgmental and immature and hasn't done anything for me, but like a lot of people on this site, I've been single my whole life and I can't help being upset when I see people get into happy, committed relationships. And the sad thing is that my being angry about misfortunes feels logical, even comfortable. That's good that you managed to better yourself by keeping busy and finding enthusiasm in the things you did. And I try to do that in my artwork and my schooling, but my issue is, when you're doing those things, and you're alone with your thoughts, and you're tempted to be angry about the past, what do you do or what do you tell yourself to confront those thoughts and put the past where it should be? And for your own sake be able to forgive those who have wronged you?
 
What's the point of thinking about people that made you feel like crap? You don't have to forgive them if you can't, but why do you let that get in your head when you're just... idk, relaxing? being you... What's the point?
 
DarkSelene said:
What's the point of thinking about people that made you feel like crap? You don't have to forgive them if you can't, but why do you let that get in your head when you're just... idk, relaxing? being you... What's the point?

There is no point. If I don't forgive, I wish I could at least forget, but my mind often wanders when I'm alone and I have the memory of an elephant. It's a matter of somehow giving up the desire to get back at the person.
 
Extreme Unit said:
There is no point. If I don't forgive, I wish I could at least forget, but my mind often wanders when I'm alone and I have the memory of an elephant. It's a matter of somehow giving up the desire to get back at the person.

I think you need to do some reflecting on what is really important in this world, that really is not going to lead anywhere. I can understand the wandering and the memory, but you'll only hurt yourself doing so... Maybe when you start thinking about those things, try to take your thoughts in a new direction... like thinking about what made you feel better that day or who was polite to you, maybe think of things that you're glad you have in your life, even material things... Just not focus so much in the wrong doings of others because that's not going to fix/help them and it's only going to break you down more.

EDIT: Also, being happy is not about conforming to society's/family/peers expectations, but finding things that make you feel happy, alive, joyful and pursue those things. Reading your stuff I just feel like you're going down this rabbit hole and that any little thing could make you explode and this hate out of proportion is actually something to be worried about, I know it's easier said than done and that I really don't know how hard it is for you, but try not to fuel those feelings more. Think about the things you just said, the good things, a family that loves you and tries to understand you even though you acted badly towards them, people that are nice and polite to you, people that care about you... try to think about them in good lights and push the hatred aside.
 
I am so glad I now took the time to read your entire post, which was quite well written, by the way.

As I was reading your first few paragraphs, I was captivated because you were describing part of my own story, so I understand a significant part of your struggle, and quite well.

I understand, so well, how toxic anger that is internalized can be ... internalized over years or decades. I have been doing the very same thing since childhood, because I had no real outlet for my anger.

Your family - you mentioned that they still maintain that they love you and will always be there for you. Well, that is a great foundation. Can you build on that ?

What life has taught me, if anything, is that nobody on this Earth, even if you call them Mom and Dad, and once thought them to be perfect, is without flaws. This can be a very humbling yet liberating realization, because it teaches you that you can accept people as they are, because you would like to be accepted as you are. See if you can apply this to your family. Accept them as they are, but you can choose how much you engage with them. It IS possible to maintain a relationship with your parents, even if they drive you insane, but still keep yourself at a safe distance from them.

You mention jealousy of others' relationships. If that's the way you feel, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people have it easier than others, to find partners. Your siblings had it easier. There's nothing fair about who gets to be "lucky in love" and who doesn't.

You're right that anger can keep you from moving on with your life. And, when it comes to observing others being (apparently) happy, trust me ... appearances can be deceiving, especially if the person putting on the appearance is a good actor, and many are. Don't let that fool you.

As someone else mentioned, don't bother with conforming to expectations ... do whatever makes you happy. Find your meaning in life ... whatever that is. I think that's great advice !

There is no "nice guy" switch. Any lasting changes in your life are going to come from your reflection and your introspection. And this goes back to doing what you feel is right for you or what makes you happy. Please don't waste your time with the futile pursuit of pleasing others. Waste of time.


For me, personally, two things were effective ways of dealing with anger - lifting weights, and spirituality. I highly recommend them both to you.

It's really great that you're doing this reflection ... really great ! You seem like a conscientious person and I'm glad we crossed paths. I would love to see you progress and prosper.

I wish you the very best.
 
Let me say that Actions Precede Feelings. We all waste a lot of time in life thinking we will thus and so when we FEEL like it. In reality if you Act, then the feelings follow. If you want to feel better about yourself in life, then ACT in ways that make you feel better about yourself in life. Maybe start by simply doing something that is kind and nice for your family. Go over and rake the leaves in their backyard or something like that.
I will tell you for certain, that living a good life means investing your own sweat equity. You have to do the work to get to where you want to be. And, that involves stop looking at what you don't have, and start investing the time, energy and effort into your own self and life and the people around and behave AS IF. Behave as if you weren't bitter, angry and resentful. Break the cycle. Once you do that, your feelings will shift away from that mindset.
 
Somnambulist: Thanks for reading the rest of my post, and sorry if you had trouble reading the small print...I'm not sure why it showed up that way. I know that no one is perfect and everyone has problems despite how great they seem to have it. And I think that if I am to improve relations with my parents and family, I need to have a clear conscience, which as I'd mentioned has resulted in guilt from my hostility to them and kept me from participating in activities with them. That's good that you manage your own anger through your exercise and spirituality. I appreciate what you've said here, and I hope we'll talk again soon.

dd11: Yeah, I guess that makes sense...we procrastinate on what we know we should do, but never feel better unless we just make ourselves do it to get our momentum going? I can see how it's like an emotional muscle that I never bothered to work on. It's only been recently that I've begun to realize the importance of investing in and being happy with oneself.
 
EU - It's not too late. How is all of this working for you? Do you feel happy? I would guess that you know deep down that it isn't. You want better for yourself. Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping that someone else dies. Being angry at others doesn't affect their applecart one iota. It only burns your own time.
I think a lot of us are here because we have felt burned by people. I spent a lot of time and effort in investing myself into people who don't give a flying rip about me. But, anger and bitterness are not going to help you enjoy your best life.
So, lay that down. Put aside the cynicism and involve yourself in your own life. As i said, whatever, i am doing, i now give it my FULL attention. When i am at work, i focus on work. When i am at home, i focus on what i am doing at home. If i am cooking i fully engage in that. If i am walking my dog, i enjoy the outdoors and watching my dog frolick around the woods etc. And, try to sit and be thankful for the people that love you in spite of how you have treated them. Do something nice and unselfish for others. You will be surprised at how far your life can move in a short time.
 
You're really holding on to a LOT of anger and bitterness Extreme Unit. OK, I know I should practice what I'm preaching here, 'cause I hold on to a few grudges myself, but here's an idea: Is it possible to intellectually consider forgiving yourself and everyone whom you resent and just try and let the bitterness go?

Easier said than done I know....I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna here. I'm just saying is it possible to get your thinking mind around the idea of forgiveness? Actually doing it is a whole other thing.

It's just a thought......
 
constant stranger said:
You're really holding on to a LOT of anger and bitterness Extreme Unit.  OK, I know I should practice what I'm preaching here, 'cause I hold on to a few grudges myself, but here's an idea:  Is it possible to intellectually consider forgiving yourself and everyone whom you resent and just try and let the bitterness go?

Easier said than done I know....I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna here.  I'm just saying is it possible to get your thinking mind around the idea of forgiveness?  Actually doing it is a whole other thing.  

It's just a thought......

It might be possible. The thing that makes it hard to forgive is that being angry gives me a sense of power over someone, and to forgive I would first have to let go of that illusion of power and the desire for revenge. Sometimes I fear repeat offenses, and this way of thinking not only keeps me from forgiving those who have wronged me, but also from moving on after I experience a loss, or when something in life doesn't work out the way I want it to. 

I think I've read a couple of your posts and am somewhat aware that you also seem to struggle with resentment. I'm curious as to what ways you deal with it, if any.
 
constant stranger said:
You're really holding on to a LOT of anger and bitterness Extreme Unit.  OK, I know I should practice what I'm preaching here, 'cause I hold on to a few grudges myself, but here's an idea:  Is it possible to intellectually consider forgiving yourself and everyone whom you resent and just try and let the bitterness go?

Easier said than done I know....I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna here.  I'm just saying is it possible to get your thinking mind around the idea of forgiveness?  Actually doing it is a whole other thing.  

It's just a thought......

With respect, I don't think it's necessary to forgive someone who has wronged you, in order for you to "move on". You can forget without forgiving.

I, personally, have "moved on", as much as I can, but have never felt the need to forgive those who wronged me. There's just no need. What was done was horrible, and they don't deserve my forgiveness. I have come to terms with it, but that doesn't mean I need to say I forgive them. I don't hold any ill feelings towards them; I am indifferent.

I do think forgiveness can be useful if it is appropriate/warranted. In fact, I love what was said in the Bible ... "Forgive them for they know not what they do.", which alludes to the idea that no person in their right mind would intentionally hurt another. That idea has been very helpful in my dealing with my past troubles, but I still don't deem forgiveness always necessary.
 
I wasn't going to say anything about the original post, because I read it shortly after it was posted, and I actually can feel the resentment in it. I'm sure at least one person has said this or told you this, but the only person you're hurting and using valuable time up being resentful and angry and bitter is yourself. That affects no one else but you. Other people go on with their day and with their life, while you're still being angry over how things could have been different.

I know it is much, much easier said than done, but I hope you do learn to let go of the things that make you feel any resentment. I think that when we hold onto things, we sometimes tend to not notice or realize other opportunities presented to us.
 
Extreme Unit said:
constant stranger said:
You're really holding on to a LOT of anger and bitterness Extreme Unit.  OK, I know I should practice what I'm preaching here, 'cause I hold on to a few grudges myself, but here's an idea:  Is it possible to intellectually consider forgiving yourself and everyone whom you resent and just try and let the bitterness go?

Easier said than done I know....I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna here.  I'm just saying is it possible to get your thinking mind around the idea of forgiveness?  Actually doing it is a whole other thing.  

It's just a thought......

It might be possible. The thing that makes it hard to forgive is that being angry gives me a sense of power over someone, and to forgive I would first have to let go of that illusion of power and the desire for revenge. Sometimes I fear repeat offenses, and this way of thinking not only keeps me from forgiving those who have wronged me, but also from moving on after I experience a loss, or when something in life doesn't work out the way I want it to. 

I think I've read a couple of your posts and am somewhat aware that you also seem to struggle with resentment. I'm curious as to what ways you deal with it, if any.

The short answer is I don't deal with my angry, resentful grudges in any meaningful way that actually resolves anything.  I don't really know how to stop remembering my father's relentless finding fault with every single thing I ever did or said.  I can hear his voice in my head every day....many times a day...criticizing me, scorning my efforts, dismissing my abilities and insulting my very character.  "His voice in my head"?  I don't mean anything supernatural, voice-from-the-grave kind of thing......his open contempt and outright hostility to me is engraved in my conscious and unconscious mind....it's ME thinking those things, with his voice.

VC is right, I'm only hurting myself.  And though I can intellectually entertain the idea of forgiving my father, within myself, viscerally, I still want to beat the honeysuckle out of him.  As a matter of fact I act out and role play scenarios of doing just that, frequently.  Childish isn't it?  And I hope he's somewhere he can see and hear me doing it.  I've pissed on his gravestone too, giving him the finger at the same time.  I'll almost certainly do it again.

Perhaps a day will come that I will be "angered out" much as a bereaved person becomes "cried out" and I, like the grieving person, will get through the days without needing to ventilate my feelings anymore.
 
I just hope you don't abuse animals anymore, like you did your family dogs. If you do, you deserve whatever crap coming your way. Sorry for being blunt and rude about this, but I feel very strongly about harming innocent creatures, and since I haven't seen anyone else address this very serious issue yet, I felt it necessary to mention it.
 
Tuathaniel said:
I just hope you don't abuse animals anymore, like you did your family dogs. If you do, you deserve whatever crap coming your way. Sorry for being blunt and rude about this, but I feel very strongly about harming innocent creatures, and since I haven't seen anyone else address this very serious issue yet, I felt it necessary to mention it.
I have to agree that this is pretty messed up and I hope it's in the past...
 

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