Does anyone hate a family member?

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IceCastles

Guest
In a nutshell, I was young and bought a house with a family member. I wanted to gain *independence* but instead was verbally and emotionally abused for many years. Early on, I realized that living with this idiot family member (IFM) was a terrible decision. I didn't realize the consequences when I bought the house together...I was naive and just excited to live in a house away from my mother. Living with IFM; I had to actually run away from my own "home" and stayed longer in an unhappy relationship with my ex because it was better than sleeping at my own "home".

Me and IFM had many discussions to sell the house so we both could be happy independently. However, when those times came there were a million excuses. I assume this is because she wanted to keep me as long as possible because we were sharing all costs, all bills etc everything and she was freaked out doing it on her own for the first time at 50 years old (What the f did she do with all of her money before me?? Who knows!!). After much screaming, tears, fights she reluctantly let me go and agreed to pay me back my share.

Fast forward. she realized she can't afford it and I told her ok, pay back whatever you can...it's no problem. What does she do? Verbally abuse me and is nasty at every payment (which I've been very flexible with and was asking for less than what I've put in...told her she can even come up with the amount and let me know - I just wanted her to try). But I just couldn't handle the last barrage of abusive emails and attitude. I just have had enough abuse and have cut her off. She's all happy and dandy now.

It pisses me off so greatly because I feel so stupid...SO, SO, SO stupid. I am a very honest person to a fault. I should have packed up my bags and let the house foreclosure. But no, I kept paying into it because I am very responsible and couldn't imagine doing that to her. I know some people might suggest I go to small claims etc but I am not the type of person to sue my own family even if I could win. It's not even about the money but all these years...I feel like she used me. She would call me in the middle of the night screaming at me to do things despite being an adult and having my own life and schedule. Whenever I helped it became an obligation. She often did not thank me for help but had an attitude like "you're supposed to do everything I say". It carried on for many years because I would just comply so I didn't set off her temper. I am a peaceful person and I just want to keep the peace.

I was truly suffering before I moved in with her - I was abused by classmates and others all of my life; then to come home to more verbal and emotional abuse - it's insanity. Obviously I had depression and she would say very hurtful things like if I suicide, "that's YOUR problem :rolleyes:" with an eyeroll. I always struggled to be happy and she would put me down and say things like I'm not a happy person cause I'm a miserable b****.

I've tried hard to keep my relationship but I feel so much built-up anger...I feel so mad at myself. I am not as well off financially as I would have been if I didn't make this foolish mistake. But I am more angry about how I was treated and why did I put up with it...I was so incredibly lonely but too unconfident and scared to truly "make it out on my own".

My feelings of anger have turned to hate. I think I hate her. I really do. I wish I didn't feel this way...but I am so angry I'm not even sure if I'll ever willingly talk to her again. I feel very conflicted because I just want one big happy family but I feel like there's no point to keep her in my life.

What's your story?
 
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with IFM. The best advice I can give you is to stay far away from her and preserve some semblance of your own sanity. Some people cannot be fixed. It comes down to self-preservation at that point. So, save yourself.

I've learned through my own bitter experience that so called "family" has nothing to do with blood or DNA. I believe that family is what you make of it .... the people you invite into your life, the people you make time for, the people you value ... they are the true family.

In my case, I went through horrible emotional abuse at the hands of a maternal aunt from the ages of 17-21, while I lived with her, and to a lesser extent, until earlier this year (at which point I told her, unequivocally, to fresia OFF from my life). I was treated like a servant and like a sub-human for four miserable years. I was suicidal a large portion of those years, till I finally mustered the courage to secretly escape that house and live with roommates. Those years really changed me and made me realize my true priorities in life. All the innocence within me was explosively ripped out of my soul.

When I told that aunt to fresia off, I lost all my five wonderful beloved cousins, too (whom I love and miss very much), because it rendered me an outcast in the family ... no one has said a word to me since that day. It was a huge loss, but the cost of not doing that was proving far greater.

For many years, the feeling I felt for my aunt could be approximated as hatred. But, to be totally honest, I hate no one. Hatred is a very heavy burden to carry. Today, I am simply indifferent towards toxic people.

We are all broken to some extent, some more than others. IFM clearly has her own issues and is not a healthy choice of companion or family member for you.

Whether people will admit it or not, another huge life lesson I have learned is that a person's first and foremost loyalty is always and unconditionally to the self. And, there is nothing wrong with that; there would be something wrong if that weren't the case ... it is a primordial instinct built into us.

So, I guess what I'm saying is ... don't let the connotations of the word "family" hold you back from escaping from this person and ignoring her, saving yourself in the process.
 
I have plenty of reasons to hate a few members of my family, but I don't. I have, however, distanced myself from certain people. All in all, I don't hate anyone. It takes too much time and energy to hate people, so I refuse to do it.

That said, you definitely shouldn't continue to feel obligated to help her out if it's inconveniencing you or if she's making you feel bad about it. You did your share. More than your share, it sounds like, so maybe you should distance yourself from her. Tell her you're sorry, but can't help any longer, at least not financially. If you choose to continue to help her, do so on YOUR time. Don't run just because she calls, don't do something just because she thinks you should. Do it because you WANT to help.
 
I have a sister whom I don't go out of my way to talk to. And the only time she talks to me is when her kids want new music on their MP3 players.

She's always kind of been in her own world. A lot of honeysuckle has happened over the years. I can't even waste my time thinking about all the stupid honeysuckle that happened before she turned 19. It's the stuff that she did as an adult, that has always left a bad feeling in my gut.

Until I turned 19, I idolized her. I would bend over backwards for her in any way possible. And I love her kids. She certainly used that to her advantage.

I can't count how many times she had me phone the police on her abusive bfs, just to take them back and then shut me out because she wanted it to seem like she had nothing to do with it. I can't count how many times I helped bring food from the food bank for her, just to have her turn around to spend her welfare money on make up and perfumes. I can't count how many times I skipped school to babysit her kids, because she said she was going to have a mental breakdown. I don't know how many times I felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown because of the way she yelled at me, kicked me, hit me and threatened to cut me out of her kids' lives, because I wasn't able to do an errand for her.

The thing that hurt the most is that she had me go to her house for a week, to spend time together. But for her own entertainment, dared her bf to touch me sexually, because she thought I'd "find it fun".

And that's not even what pushed me to stop talking to her... One day, my mom was complaining about something going on here (I lived 10 hours away and only messaged my mom on facebook). I made a smartass comment. My mom told my older sister my comment, without telling the rest of the conversation. My older sister messaged me, to tell me to come say whatever I said to her face. I told both gossiping ******** to go to hell. She sent me a message a few months later to say she was sorry about what was happening in my marriage, and that she was there to support me anyway she could.

I don't hate her. She's obviously had plenty of mental health issues, been very abused and not really known how to figure honeysuckle out without someone else helping her. She has a good man, and he's really picked her up. I'm happy for her kids. But she's still alien to me. She's shown me over and over that I am only good when she needs something, so she has no option to need something from me anymore.
 
I have plenty of reasons to hate some family members. There's a brother with whom I haven't exchanged a word for 13 years. There's a cousin with whom I haven't exchanged a word for 45 years....his mother my aunt, too....but she's been dead for 4 or 5 years....good riddance. But I don't really hate them, I simply will not tolerate their hurtful, spiteful presence in my life. Although to be fair, I've been as nasty to them as they to me. Nice family, eh?

Then there's my father, dead since 2001.....he's different. I do hate him. Can't seem to let it go. For forty years I watched him expertly masquerade himself as the epitome of goodness and kindness while privately putting me in my place, constantly humiliating me. All because he could NOT manage Mom's (..almost psychotic..) mood swings. He thought he should be able to "fix" her depression but could not. I couldn't either, so I stopped trying to and settled for just making it better, which I could do. Dad wouldn't forgive me for that....usurping his position. Sigmund Freud would have understood. Made things difficult for me and still does. What an effed up family. I wish I would have just walked away from them years ago like the 2 older brothers did. But I'm still here looking after my 92 year old mother. Still, I get the farm, the house and its 12 acres, my little apple orchard and my beehives and woodshop. Too bad I don't enjoy much of anything.
 
IceCastles said:
In a nutshell, I was young and bought a house with a family member. I wanted to gain *independence* but instead was verbally and emotionally abused for many years. Early on, I realized that living with this idiot family member (IFM) was a terrible decision. I didn't realize the consequences when I bought the house together...I was naive and just excited to live in a house away from my mother. Living with IFM; I had to actually run away from my own "home" and stayed longer in an unhappy relationship with my ex because it was better than sleeping at my own "home".

Me and IFM had many discussions to sell the house so we both could be happy independently. However, when those times came there were a million excuses. I assume this is because she wanted to keep me as long as possible because we were sharing all costs, all bills etc everything and she was freaked out doing it on her own for the first time at 50 years old (What the f did she do with all of her money before me?? Who knows!!). After much screaming, tears, fights she reluctantly let me go and agreed to pay me back my share.

Fast forward. she realized she can't afford it and I told her ok, pay back whatever you can...it's no problem. What does she do? Verbally abuse me and is nasty at every payment (which I've been very flexible with and was asking for less than what I've put in...told her she can even come up with the amount and let me know - I just wanted her to try). But I just couldn't handle the last barrage of abusive emails and attitude. I just have had enough abuse and have cut her off. She's all happy and dandy now.

It pisses me off so greatly because I feel so stupid...SO, SO, SO stupid. I am a very honest person to a fault. I should have packed up my bags and let the house foreclosure. But no, I kept paying into it because I am very responsible and couldn't imagine doing that to her. I know some people might suggest I go to small claims etc but I am not the type of person to sue my own family even if I could win. It's not even about the money but all these years...I feel like she used me. She would call me in the middle of the night screaming at me to do things despite being an adult and having my own life and schedule. Whenever I helped it became an obligation. She often did not thank me for help but had an attitude like "you're supposed to do everything I say". It carried on for many years because I would just comply so I didn't set off her temper. I am a peaceful person and I just want to keep the peace.

I was truly suffering before I moved in with her - I was abused by classmates and others all of my life; then to come home to more verbal and emotional abuse - it's insanity. Obviously I had depression and she would say very hurtful things like if I suicide, "that's YOUR problem :rolleyes:" with an eyeroll. I always struggled to be happy and she would put me down and say things like I'm not a happy person cause I'm a miserable b****.

I've tried hard to keep my relationship but I feel so much built-up anger...I feel so mad at myself. I am not as well off financially as I would have been if I didn't make this foolish mistake. But I am more angry about how I was treated and why did I put up with it...I was so incredibly lonely but too unconfident and scared to truly "make it out on my own".

My feelings of anger have turned to hate. I think I hate her. I really do. I wish I didn't feel this way...but I am so angry I'm not even sure if I'll ever willingly talk to her again. I feel very conflicted because I just want one big happy family but I feel like there's no point to keep her in my life.

What's your story?
Click to expand...
 
My heart goes out to you.  It must be difficult to deal with these issues, especially when it involves a family member.  It’s terrible that you are paying for a house you don’t live in.  It sounds like she’s older than you – not sure.  I personally experienced being bossed around and treated meanly by people including family members.  It took some time but I realized that hurt people hurt people. I wanted to hate and return the favor by treating them how they treated me, but then I discussed my frustrations with someone who revealed how hate hurts me more than the person. They gave the description of taking poison and expecting the other person to die. At that point I decided to treat them with more love.  Guess what – It worked!  Have you thought about discussing your grievances with her in love --- maybe over dinner?  I hope my situation helps you.  I will pray that the house and relationship situation is restored. 
 
I don't think I really hate any of my family members, but there are a few I strongly dislike but keep up with, and some that I've completely deleted from my life:

- My stepmother. She's a racist, conservative, privileged troll and I just can't stand her. But she's married to my dad, and I get along well with him, so I'm trying to keep the peace for his sake.

- My aunt. More than a bit loony, and enabling her drug addict youngest daughter to keep up her self destruction.

- The above mentioned drug addict cousin. I've tried to support her for over a decade, but after she went crazy and attacked both me and her older sister last year, I've removed her from my life now.

- To a certain degree, my mum. She's never treated me with respect, and from as early as I can remember, has always put her own needs and wants before mine. A few years ago, after she treated me disrespectfully and unkindly again, I decided I'd had enough of it, and ceased all communication with her (we don't live in the same county). Only last month did she actually write me to ask why I was mad at her, and I told her, at which point she actually did apologize. It still bugs me that I had to tell her what was wrong, and there are still many unresolved issues from the past, but I'm working on forgiveness now.

I've found that removing people from your life that doesn't contribute to it in a positive way, has made things a lot easier. I fully recommend it to anyone with issues. Family doesn't mean you have to put up with garbage.
 
I have complete and utter disdain for an aunt. She is a backstabbing, two-face, lying, manipulative, double talking, thief, and horrible human being. I don't even really think of her as family anymore and as far as I'm concerned she isn't. Family do not use others, lie about things they do not know about, steal from family, or cause rifts between others with lies which cause others to not speak anymore.
 
Sci-Fi said:
I have complete and utter disdain for an aunt.  She is a backstabbing, two-face, lying, manipulative, double talking, thief, and horrible human being.
Click to expand...

My aunt sounds just like yours. What is it with horrible aunts these days ? Sounds like a lot of people here have an aunt problem.
 
My entire family except my father which is ironic because he was pretty much crappy father.
 
Yes. I rarely met people who are more disrespectful towards me than some of "family" members.
 

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