Those who've met people here, or been in LDRs, how do you manage?

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Tealeaf

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Curious because I know some people here are in or had been in long-distance relationships as well.

I met someone through a video game we both play, where we have some close mutual friends, and eventually we decided to make it official because we both wanted to be a couple. We live about a 5-hour drive apart so the distance isn't a major barrier for us.

Online I can be pretty conversational and open with my opinions, and I'm comfortable talking in large groups. Offline I'm still straightforward but I tend not to be such a big talker. I have friends online that we both know and spend time with, and who like me. Offline, I have almost no one. I don't have friends who come over and hang out in the background while I play a few games online.

Do you ever worry that if you start spending more time together offline, or start living together, that they're going to see you as a completely different person? What was it like for you to get to know them offline after you knew them online, especially if you have anxiety or depression or not much of a social network to speak of?
 
I had one long distance relationship where I actually met the dude. It's really quite like your situation, we would spend a lot of time online and had an online social group... so to speak. The distance was challenging but doable and we got to see each other a lot during the 2 years we were together.

To answer to your questions the reality could be really different than the whole online situation, the basics will be the same... probably, if you talk about things you would like to do together and have chemistry, it'll work. Of course, there are things that will be different because living with someone could be a challenge. Everyone has their own ways, you can easily find things you don't like about each other but it doesn't mean that will definitely happen. Also, if there's communication and you can work through things while compromising, I don't see why you should be worried.
I'm not much of a talker even online, tend to cling to certain types of people and I'm not good in big groups at all. Also, I've been dealing with depression for quite some time and that's one of the main reasons people would get annoyed with me. I try to be consistent but sometimes my emotions take the best out of me and then I need some space or to be able to get pass it without someone judging me for not feeling so well... meeting each other for the first time feels like you're going to have a panic attack, and it could be really awkward at first but soon you'll remember who that person is and it'll all go away.
My advice would be a lot of skype calls, that makes it a little more real and easier when you go see them.
 
I have suffered from severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression for most of my life. I met someone during an online game in 1998. We got close to each other, moved on to talking on the phone every night and, after talking for a good 9 months, we decided to meet up. I won't bore you with the details, but we spent a wonderful month together, then moved in with each other and got married in 2000.

We were as honest as we could possibly be prior to our face to face meeting, but it still seemed very strange for the first few days. No matter how honest you are, meeting in person is a whole different ballgame. She was much quieter than she appeared online and I think I was more screwed up than she had ever imagined, but if you really care about each other, you find a way to make it work.

We've been divorced for over 3 years now, but I don't regret the time we spent together. If nothing else, I learned to embrace my eccentricities and my 'disabilities' - she loved the insecure, nervous, gentle guy that she met online - and by attempting to be 'just like everyone else' I eventually pushed her away.
 
I was in LDR for few years and it didn't work, because the distance was way too much and neither of us wanted to move to another country. Also we missed each other so much all the time, it was hard. :/ That wasn't the reason why the relationship ended, though... We both could be ourselves with each other, both online and offline, so that never was a problem for us. I know few people though, who have met online and moved to his/her partner's country, got married etc. so it can definitely work if both people are ready for it.
 
DarkSelene said:
I had one long distance relationship where I actually met the dude. It's really quite like your situation, we would spend a lot of time online and had an online social group... so to speak. The distance was challenging but doable and we got to see each other a lot during the 2 years we were together.

To answer to your questions the reality could be really different than the whole online situation, the basics will be the same... probably, if you talk about things you would like to do together and have chemistry, it'll work. Of course, there are things that will be different because living with someone could be a challenge. Everyone has their own ways, you can easily find things you don't like about each other but it doesn't mean that will definitely happen. Also, if there's communication and you can work through things while compromising, I don't see why you should be worried.
I'm not much of a talker even online, tend to cling to certain types of people and I'm not good in big groups at all. Also, I've been dealing with depression for quite some time and that's one of the main reasons people would get annoyed with me. I try to be consistent but sometimes my emotions take the best out of me and then I need some space or to be able to get pass it without someone judging me for not feeling so well... meeting each other for the first time feels like you're going to have a panic attack, and it could be really awkward at first but soon you'll remember who that person is and it'll all go away.
My advice would be a lot of skype calls, that makes it a little more real and easier when you go see them.

The distance doesn't worry me too much. I don't have a passport and he has to renew his, but the distance is very easy to cross by bus, cart, or plane. Although I don't know about holiday flight costs...

Agreed that meeting feels like a panic attack waiting to happen. We discussed it and might try for around Christmas or early next year. We're both quiet people in real-life as it turns out, although it's not that way online. Maybe it won't be so bad, like you've suggested we spend a lot of time in calls so we're at least familiar with each other through voice chat.

Cavey said:
I have suffered from severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression for most of my life. I met someone during an online game in 1998. We got close to each other, moved on to talking on the phone every night and, after talking for a good 9 months, we decided to meet up. I won't bore you with the details, but we spent a wonderful month together, then moved in with each other and got married in 2000.

We were as honest as we could possibly be prior to our face to face meeting, but it still seemed very strange for the first few days. No matter how honest you are, meeting in person is a whole different ballgame. She was much quieter than she appeared online and I think I was more screwed up than she had ever imagined, but if you really care about each other, you find a way to make it work.

We've been divorced for over 3 years now, but I don't regret the time we spent together. If nothing else, I learned to embrace my eccentricities and my 'disabilities' - she loved the insecure, nervous, gentle guy that she met online - and by attempting to be 'just like everyone else' I eventually pushed her away.

Cheers to meeting people in the most unlikely of place. I'm sorry it didn't turn out so well though.

There are a lot of things I wonder about in-person, like people's habits, how comfortable they are with face-to-face talking, and things like that. I can't imagine anything that would make me not care being there, though.

If people know the good and the bad ahead of time, I suppose it's just more of what they already expect and are used to. Neither of us are exactly expecting an extrovert or a party animal, but I guess the question remains of just how introverted are we?

lonelyfairy said:
I was in LDR for few years and it didn't work, because the distance was way too much and neither of us wanted to move to another country. Also we missed each other so much all the time, it was hard. :/ That wasn't the reason why the relationship ended, though... We both could be ourselves with each other, both online and offline, so that never was a problem for us. I know few people though, who have met online and moved to his/her partner's country, got married etc. so it can definitely work if both people are ready for it.

I can see this being very hard for some people, especially if physical contact is important to them. I know he's not someone I have to be afraid around, and who trusts me to just be myself, but being single for years now due to depression, solitude, mistrust, etc, doesn't help.

I've also known a few people who made the distance work, which is encouraging. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea where I'd have found someone like him locally. Certainly not on Tinder.
 
Tealeaf said:
The distance doesn't worry me too much. I don't have a passport and he has to renew his, but the distance is very easy to cross by bus, cart, or plane. Although I don't know about holiday flight costs...

Agreed that meeting feels like a panic attack waiting to happen. We discussed it and might try for around Christmas or early next year. We're both quiet people in real-life as it turns out, although it's not that way online. Maybe it won't be so bad, like you've suggested we spend a lot of time in calls so we're at least familiar with each other through voice chat.

Sounds like you guys have everything to work it out, give it a shot. The most you can do is try, even if the outcome is not what you wanted you'll be able to look back at it and see that you acted not only rationally but followed your feelings too. If the distance is not such a problem, the relationship have even more fuel to last long.

Try webcam, I'm very interested in details like how their arms/hands moves, their lips while they speak, the smile, expressions... those things are small but when you admire someone they become little things that you love about them. Also, it makes you more comfortable face to face, when you do get to meet him it'll be like you know him even better.
 
I have never met anyone on here and doubt if I ever will but for those who have a long distance relationship and you want to make it work constant communication is the key. Phone, e-mail, cards, Facebook, Skype. Do it all.
 
DarkSelene said:
Tealeaf said:
The distance doesn't worry me too much. I don't have a passport and he has to renew his, but the distance is very easy to cross by bus, cart, or plane. Although I don't know about holiday flight costs...

Agreed that meeting feels like a panic attack waiting to happen. We discussed it and might try for around Christmas or early next year. We're both quiet people in real-life as it turns out, although it's not that way online. Maybe it won't be so bad, like you've suggested we spend a lot of time in calls so we're at least familiar with each other through voice chat.

Sounds like you guys have everything to work it out, give it a shot. The most you can do is try, even if the outcome is not what you wanted you'll be able to look back at it and see that you acted not only rationally but followed your feelings too. If the distance is not such a problem, the relationship have even more fuel to last long.

Try webcam, I'm very interested in details like how their arms/hands moves, their lips while they speak, the smile, expressions... those things are small but when you admire someone they become little things that you love about them. Also, it makes you more comfortable face to face, when you do get to meet him it'll be like you know him even better.

Very true. When the subject came up I realized I couldn't pass this time.

I haven't had a webcam since my notebook PC broke down (I've neglected to fix it, as I mostly use my desktop), but that would help. I know some people will use webcam just to chat, or while watching a movie together to make it feel more like "date night".
 
I didn't and don't manage well. Better for me to stay out of them.
 
You have to be careful not to confuse your idea of who someone is with who they actually are, can be very easy to get caught with a fantasy in your own head. It can get pretty tough when it all comes crashing down...
 
I haven't met someone here, but I have been in a LDR since August last year. We didn't technically meet online, but after our first brief meeting we stayed in touch by online messaging, and we talked most of the day, every day, for a few months. Then he came over to visit (after I'd invited him).

It was awkward at first, when I went to the airport to meet him. Gods, was it awkward. Probably because we both really liked each other and were so nervous about what to say and how to behave, and neither was really sure about how the other felt. But that initial awkwardness passed within a couple of hours, we figured out the feelings were mutual, and it's been great ever since.

During the first six months or so, I was a bit more careful with which parts of myself I let him see, because I was worried my quirks and less positive attributes would scare him off. But gradually I learned that it didn't. The same went for him. We are indeed both different people now than when we first started chatting, but different doesn't necessarily mean bad. We still love each other, both as the people we initially got to know, and as the people we are today.

The long distance can at times be sad and challenging, with being an hour apart by plane and flights being as expensive as they are. But we've decided to hang in there, knowing it won't be forever. We're both studying now, but the first one to finish will start looking for a job in the other country, and we're both willing to relocate. Until then, we message online every day, and fly over for a weekend visit every 2-3 weeks. At least it always gives me something to look forward to.
 
My long distance bf and I voice chat pretty much every possible waking moment that we can, and in those moments we can't voice chat, we're text chatting on Telegram. We're so intensely comfortable with each other and what we talk about that I can't imagine it just falling apart when we finally get to be together up close. We've gotten through a ton of honeysuckle together and grown as people thanks to each other so our bond is VERY tight. Of course I pine for being able to live with him, but he makes me so happy with our relationship as it is that I can easily tolerate the distance... it's not something I agonize over at all, it really just makes me happy and hopeful for how even better it will become.
 
Tealeaf said:
Do you ever worry that if you start spending more time together offline, or start living together, that they're going to see you as a completely different person? What was it like for you to get to know them offline after you knew them online, especially if you have anxiety or depression or not much of a social network to speak of?

In my experience of a couple of LDR's (one that was close to 5-years long and another that was of about 1.5 years), there is the tendency of realising that there are differences be it minor or major and especially when it hits you - it can be a little intimidating cos you'd wonder what else is there you've yet to know about them that they haven't revealed or that you've yet to find out.

My experience with my exes in person and online have always been different. Even having done video chats with my ex almost every day, it was still pretty different (on him and on myself) when you're together in person. Same goes to the friends I've made from this forum, talking to them online and meeting with them in person gives a totally different feeling and I tend to get more reserved in person and always makes me feel rather dumb and socially awkward. I just happen to have met nice and understanding peeps from here so it didn't feel so bad. You definitely learn a whole lot more about them when you meet them.

I find having to force myself to be more talkative... and at times it just didn't feel like I was being myself. I suppose if you're meeting with someone who gets you and your being quiet/anxious, it's not too pressurising.

I feel like a large part of knowing how they'd react to certain situations in real life is missing with the distance and if it's something you've not observed before or may not like, that might throw you off a little. Online or even with video chats, you can always hide actual emotions/reactions unless you're very sensitive to each other's emotional changes and cues.

I'm a more quiet/awkward person in real life at first but I warm up and open up after some time, especially if I'm very comfortable with that person. If this person is someone who can make you feel comfortable even in real life and is understanding of who you are, it might actually help with the anxiety/depression with time.

If anything, I feel that they should be accepting you with or without any social network and should be understanding why the lack of it. In my opinion, if they can't accept that, that's a red flag waving at me. I wouldn't wanna be with someone who looks down upon me for the way I am or prefer to be in that regard.
 
Honestly, I've only been able to mostly meet people online. The people, and especially the women, where I live generally don't have much in common. Not saying I don't have ANY real life friends, but paradoxically, I've noticed all of THEM act very differently online vs in person.

And it's made me feel like I wind up knowing the ones online better overall because of this.


As for relationships, I've only had two, only recently that were of course long-distance.

The thing was, I literally don't even move to the relationship phase until I'm certain I know this person well enough to actually, like, fall for or even be in love. I don't just leap up after a single good conversation with "OH MY GOD, BE MINE, I LOVE YOU". I know them *very* well if it ever gets to that point.

And when you get to this stage, we do pictures, webcams, long phone calls, and even longer emails. I know how this person reacts in almost every single way beyond just physical. And we get to a point where there are no personas in interacting, and I think that's the best part of it: I get to fully be me when I'm with them, and they with me, so even if we're awkward or whatever, it doesn't matter. I know her, she knows me, and we can always discuss anything we might not be familiar with and grow even more attached from finding it out.


That's just how I work, so I personally wouldn't worry too much, at least when it came to a relationship. Just a casual friendship online.... yeah, that might be a bit more awkward. I didn't decide to literally be WITH this person because I loved them.
 

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