How do I deal with this 'stain'?

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Manorexic

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2011
Messages
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Location
Canada
It has been ages since I have posted on here. I've come back to this site every year or so, debate whether or not I should post something, write a draft that never gets finished and never gets posted. I sometimes feel like my problems are so pathetic and self inflicted that it just feels like whining to me and I feel like no one wants to read my honeysuckle. LOL. Other times, I have too much trouble trying to put my emotions into words, then before I know it, my mood has changed and I can't remember how I felt. I tend to have a roller coaster of emotions and it's exhausting trying to document them as they keep changing.

I won't go into full detail with my entire life story. Basically, I've been suffering from severe depression since childhood. I've had an extremely abusive upbringing; a lot of emotional, mental and sexual abuse. As a result, I've suffered from social anxiety, uncontrollable anger, self esteem issues and suicidal thoughts throughout most of my life. As far back as memory takes me. I've only begun to realize how severe the effects of what's happened to me has impacted my life. It's been, for the most part untreated. I have only now recently been seeking mental health help again for the first time in almost a decade. So, maybe I'll keep it updated on here... if anyone is interested.

SO, something that happened to me in the past has been bugging me for awhile. I feel like because I was never given the chance to have any sort of closure when it comes to this issue, it's the reason why I cannot let it go. It's been difficult. I don't have anyone to really talk about this issue with, seeing as its kind of "old news" in my life and I can't stand to keep bringing up the same problem to my friends and family. I often get the whole "get over it" speech, which I've found causes more damage. So, I've been struggling with it in silence for months. I feel like if I try my best to ignore it and move forward, I will eventually stop thinking about it, however that hasn't been working for me at all right now. 

I met someone who wasn't good for me... at all. We got together right away and things almost immediately went down hill. He had severe anger issues and as messed up as it sounds, it was something that drew me into him. I've come to the conclusion that he suffers from either a Sociopathic mind OR male Borderline Personality Disorder. (there is a slight difference between the sexes) He has a violent, dark past. Was part of gangs, has a criminal record for drug trafficking and other things and he has access to guns. Frequent run-ins with police, that kind of thing. Before I knew about all of this,  I only saw him as someone who was going through a lot of pain and hurt and I wanted to connect with him on that emotionally and mentally. Looking back on it now, I hate myself for romanticizing his mental health issues, thinking it would bring us more together if I just showed him I loved him no matter what. Not saying people with mental illness can't find love, but he had serious anger issues that he fully acknowledged but refused to address. His mentality was "this is who I am, fresia you if you don't like it", which is totally the wrong mentality to have in my opinion and I should of taken it as a huge red flag, instead of thinking it was something just loving him unconditionally would fix. Unfortunately, I had to  learn it that the hard way. He was incredibly emotionally abusive, and me being someone who is incredibly emotional, it was more than easy for him to manipulate me while I was in such a depressive state. I knew what he was doing, but I didn't have the strength to fight it. He basically just used me for money the entire time we dated. I could already tell that at the beginning that he was lying to me about things, but I chose to play dumb because I felt like, if I just stayed with him and took care of him, he'd eventually see how serious I was about him and I being together and in turn would "let me in". It started out small, then grew way out of proportion. I didn't follow my gut instinct and gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though I knew in deep down he was lying to me about what he was spending the money on. I tried to get him to tell me the truth, he'd get mad, insist that he was using it for what he said he was, then tell me that he'd promise to pay me back, he loved me, he was going to make everything up to me, all the good stuff. It sounds sick, but it almost became kind of a game to me. I'd listen to and "believe" his lies, do what he wanted and then wait to see what he'd do next. Unhealthy, but I was too messed up emotionally at the time to get myself out of it... and even though I knew deep down he was just using me, I still loved the fresia out of him. Obviously it ended and he hates my guts, blocked me off everything and has been dating other people.

Why did I do this? I feel as though my own fears of abandonment fueled my fears of making him feel abandoned. Abandonment is my number one fear in life... I'm the type of person who feels emotions on an extremely deep level, so it's hard for me to realize other people don't feel as strongly and as deep as I do. I feel like this trait of mine has been both a blessing and a curse. I find humans and emotions so fascinating that I tend to value relationships and other people's emotions more than I value myself most of the time.

It's been incredibly difficult for me to wrap my head around this entire situation. I keep going back and forth on how I feel, which I know is all part of the mourning process, but I feel like it's been taking me a very long time to get past it. I'm so mad at myself. I don't want to allow myself to be victimized in this situation. I feel as though I am just as much to blame as he is. Lately, I can't stop thinking to myself, "You knew better, you let this happen. This didn't need to happen because you knew better, you knew!" and at the same time, I'm hurting and I feel defeated. I literally wake up in the morning and I think about this. I go to bed thinking about this. I'm exhausted, but once again, I am partly to blame for this. Part of me thinks I miss him. Part of me wants to believe he misses me even though I'm sure there was no love on his part. Part of me hates him. Part of me is still trying to understand him and try to see things from his point of view. Then again, I feel like if he had any feelings for me at all, he'd of came back and apologized. He messaged me over a couple months ago. Simple "hey how are you", I messaged him back a week after I got the message and I didn't get a reply. It's just been hard coming to terms with everything. Lately I've been crying more, since when all of this was happening I didn't have it in me to cry. I just felt numb. I blame myself, I blame him, I wish I could have another chance, I wish he'd come back and correct what's been done.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Thoughts are always changing... I guess I just wanted to vent on how I feel. I don't feel confident in posting this. I don't feel like it fully explains the situation. I feel like now I'm more willing to accept what's done and try to move on, but part of me doesn't want to forget even though I should. I'm also deadly terrified he's going to continue to do this to other women. But I feel like, it's ultimately their choice to deal with him, just like it was mine... There's the option of exposing him, which I have thought about doing, but I feel like that would in ways be childish, and in others it may help to warn other people who might get involved with him. Maybe someone else's opinion would help? I don't know.
 
Change comes from within the person. We can't change or fix anything for or in anyone, no matter how much unconditional care or love we show. If they change for someone else (although I wouldn't say that for children - I think having kids can change someone), then it's probably not going to last. Because the motivation is only there when the other person is in mind. Once that motivation fades away or is completely gone, old behaviors come back strong. I can understand you having the hope that he could possibly change, but he's going to have to want to do it himself, and for himself. It's unfortunate that he took advantage of your kindness and ability to help him monetarily, but I guess this goes without saying really, if you have to - in any shape or form - buy his love with loans and promises that were not reciprocated, you probably knew deep down that it wasn't a good thing.
 
"I feel like no one wants to read my honeysuckle"

No one reads my posts either. You're not alone in that regard :)

My experience on this forum has been that, it mirrors the real world, in that there are "cool" cliques and a lot of exclusion. Unless you belong in that clique, your posts don't get much, if any, attention.

I also have "male Borderline Personality Disorder" ... i.e., I am male and have BPD. I can tell you that I have never been violent in my life, unlike the guy you described. We are not all like that, so please don't generalize, although I understand your reasons for doing so. In fact, BPD is about the hardest illness to diagnose because we are all so different in the presentation of our symptoms.

There are violent people who have nothing to do with BPD, and there are borderlines who suffer internally and don't manifest it outwardly.

I want to write a more proper response, but I have to get ready for a Thxgivin outing. Hopefully, after I get back, if my internet connection hasn't been terminated !

Happy Thxgivin !
 
Somnambulist said:
"I feel like no one wants to read my honeysuckle"

No one reads my posts either. You're not alone in that regard :)

My experience on this forum has been that, it mirrors the real world, in that there are "cool" cliques and a lot of exclusion. Unless you belong in that clique, your posts don't get much, if any, attention.

I also have "male Borderline Personality Disorder" ... i.e., I am male and have BPD. I can tell you that I have never been violent in my life, unlike the guy you described. We are not all like that, so please don't generalize, although I understand your reasons for doing so. In fact, BPD is about the hardest illness to diagnose because we are all so different in the presentation of our symptoms.

There are violent people who have nothing to do with BPD, and there are borderlines who suffer internally and don't manifest it outwardly.

I want to write a more proper response, but I have to get ready for a Thxgivin outing. Hopefully, after I get back, if my internet connection hasn't been terminated !

Happy Thxgivin !

Sorry, I should of worded that better. I mean to say that I THINK he has BPD, or he's a sociopath. I'm leaning more towards sociopath, though.

 I have BPD, too. Female. I have both classic and "hidden" BPD. I've heard there's different types. Anyway, I wasn't generalizing people with BPD or sociopathic behavior. All I said was he's a violent person. Didn't say it was because of BPD or sociopathy. Just.... he's a violent person. :S

Anyway, hope you have a good Thanksgiving! I am looking forward to your next response.
 
Hey Manorexic,

So I read your post (took me a while ;)), and noticed there isn't realy anything specific in it, wich is ok ofcourse, but I might draw some faulty conclusions, if so just correct me on them!

Reading your post I get the idea that something happened in your relation with this guy to abruptly end it and you are now as you say left without closure, well I can realy get wanting to have closure simply because it's an answer that stops self-doubt, I'm of the oppinion that doubt is a far more malicious influence in our day to day lives then we notice or accept!

Read back the first lines of the 4th paragraph in your post, read it twice or thrice if you have to but let what you wrote yourself realy sink in, this person was no good for you! He has a violent a criminal past and used you for your money, all your words not mine.... So I would say that you can create your own closure in this case, whatever happend to end it don't doubt that ending it was the best choice (I'm guessing you ended it, but it still implies if he ended it), you might want an answer or explanation, you might feel like your owed that even, sometimes we don'tget what we want or what we're owed though instead you should realy just be happy to be done with this person!

I know love isn't logical and just flipping a switch and not loving him anymore isn't an option for everyone, I had the same thing happen to me (she wasn't abusive or violent, just a huge liar) and it took me months to get over it, if you need to talk to someone about this keep us updated on this topic I'm definitly interested, I won't mind if you PM me either :), just can't promise my responses will be insightfull :p

Don't contact him, don't respond to him, focus on yourself for now, the help your getting (I do hope you're getting something out of that).

Wishing you all the best,

Mr.L
 

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