Am I better off alone? Reaching out to people who don't reach back.

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Gemmy

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Oct 14, 2014
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Ohio, USA
Long time no talk. I really think I need to start visiting this forum more frequently. I've been dealing with depression due to loneliness. Long story short, I do not have many friends. I have a small circle of about 6 people I talk to on the phone, three of which are family members. One of the persons I called my best friend - I cut off a few weeks ago. I just realized I was being used and his negative attitude was rubbing off on me. I am starting to become very upset as I see I am always the one getting in touch with people first or calling and checking on them. I am starting to wonder why I even have a phone because only about 10 people have my number and of the 10, only 3 call.  When I was working, I made it a goal to make some new friends. I made friends with 2 of my coworkers that I trusted, one of which I was close to. However, I don't hear from either one of them now that we don't work together anymore and both of them have my number. When I do call, the conversations are always short.

I get that people have their own lives. I get that. I know no one has to be my friend. I'm not trying to sound whiny. All I'm saying is it would be nice for someone to check on me or just have a small conversation with me. I keep a lot of things to myself because I truly have no one I can talk to. I deleted my Facebook account for these same reasons and the fact it was expediting my depression. I really sometimes feel like an outcast and that people won't miss me until I'm gone. All I have is my daughter but she is only 3 so I cannot tell her the things I feel. Why are real, true friends so hard to come by nowadays? I am tired of putting effort into my friendships and not getting any effort in return.
 
I see what you mean. It ain't easy or fair. Out of my few acquaintances that are not from here, I got one that is the first to talk every now and then, who however disappears some periods every now and then. Always equally happy to hear from people, and I know they got their own lives which must seem more interesting to them. However, I still hope some day someone would show up that I could consider a close friend. I have never had any, unless I count mother :D

Don't give up ^_^
 
I'll share a part of my story with you. Right now all of my friends are people I've met online, and are people I only get to see and speak with through voice or video chats. Right now I have 6 people I truly call my friends, 3 from here and the other 3 from a gaming site I used to use a lot (though actually one of the ones from here I met on that gaming site, so I guess it would technically be 2 from here and 4 from that gaming site). Outside of the internet I have no one to call a friend anymore. I used to have 3 people I thought were close friends, people I had known for at least 15 years, but for whatever reason we just grew apart. One of them I haven't seen or heard from in I would say 2 years now, another I haven't heard from since June (and before that it had been a year since we spoke), and the other I do talk with rarely but not nearly like we used to.

I've honestly got to the point where I don't even try to make friends anymore. I just can't seem to keep friends, and I just can't seem to make them anymore so it seems pointless to try. I'm sure my depression scares a lot of people away, and it seems like the only ones willing to be friends either deal with it now or have dealt with it in the past. I mean I would love to offer my friendship to everyone I see, and honestly I was doing that for a while I was just giving out my Skype ID to anyone willing to chat, but lately I don't bother and I even removed my Skype ID and email from being public here since it doesn't seem to matter anyway. I won't send PMs or reply to anyone anymore with the intention of trying to become friends, because lately it just doesn't happen so I just gave up.

So don't feel bad, you definitely aren't the only one. In the past I would have offered to try becoming friends with you, but like I said I just basically gave up on meeting new people. You can message me if you want, I don't mind.
 
I had a "best friend" for about ten years (we met at work). Even after we stopped working together, we still saw each other pretty often. She moved to Florida and the calls (or returned calls) became more and more infrequent. Finally, about three years ago, I just stopped calling/emailing. It bothered me, but it's not like we suddenly stopped talking, so it wasn't that bothersome. She'd changed cell carriers and moved so the only way I could contact her was via email.
Well, out of the blue, about three months ago, she called me. I was like...wtf?
We talked for a bit but so much had changed, and I really had no interest in telling her about the last three years of my life. I let her talk about her life for a while and then she said to email or call her (she gave me her new number). I emailed her a couple of days later. That was two months ago. Nothing from her. I have to say it bugs me more to have wasted my time emailing her than it did when she dropped off the face of the Earth. I know she leads a busy life and it's OK that she doesn't have time to keep up with someone in a different state. I've had times in my life where I couldn't keep up with all the demands for my time, especially once I had my daughter. I don't get mad at people like that anymore. In fact I'm happy not to have to be the one always having to make the effort.
It sucks to lose friends, but I'm not so sure it's always a bad thing I guess.
 
Gemmy I really hope you can find someone you can trust in your life. Your child deserves that. I can't find much helpful advice but keep banging your head against that wall I'm sure you will get something positive in the end.
 
Honestly, i don't know what the "secret sauce" is in that regard. I have a lot of acquaintances but i don't seem to know how to go from that to a true friend. You can try to be different. Happy, outgoing, bubbly, friendly, etc, but there are simply some people who attract people and some don't. I would love to have a big gaggle of friends but I live a much more quiet life. I have learned to be OK with that. And, that i don't need to put myself out there all the time only to get smacked down.
 
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Honestly, just from reading your posts, I really just need to learn to accept that it's ok for me to be to myself. I think reaching out is just making me feel more lonely. At this point, I'm probably just gonna stop. I'm almost 24 years old and I'm still learning that people just come and go. It sucks but it's life I guess.
 
I feel a bit similar. A few years ago I had about 30 friends in real life and about 90 facebook friends.  But over the last few years I have been scaling them back and though on the one hand I feel like it is a good thing, on the other, I get scared there is something wrong with me and I will find myself in bad situations.



  • [*]At work an event happened where I was shocked to find that people I thought were friends... were not. I cut them out of my life. Then, I started noticing how others used me in similar ways. I cut them out of my life. Soon, I sat in my office alone all day and hardly talked to anyone. And there was loneliness in that I felt bored and wishing for someone do do things with but then, I also felt better. I didn't have to worry about opening my mouth to the wrong person. Didn't have to listen to people "weigh" me down with what was bothering them.  Secretely I feel so much better -- but also worried that maybe someday I will need people. 

    [*]At home I had a close group of friends on an internet message board. I thought they were my friends but the election happened and it became obvious that they were just looking for their opportunity for me to stop contributing. But beyond that… I just realized how little respect I have for them. Maybe I have changed but I just feel like I hang with them out of habit. I haven’t talked to them in 30 days. A poster who almost never posted before has talked EVERY SINGLE DAY… and I just feel like there is no point talking to them anymore. 

I feel like I should be more concerned about the fact that I have zero friends or support at work or out of it. That I want to withdraw from basically everyone. But I also feel like I am just legitimately surrounded by people that aren't worthy of my spending my time with and if it means not having friends... that is what it means. 
 
I've sometimes had the same problem and I think it comes down to numbers. Trying different people until you find the ones who can be more than just a fair-weather friend or an acquaintance, or those who are more motivated to go and do an activity together. No amount of attention will turn someone who's just not that invested into a best friend, but as long as you're not falling into that trap I think you're good.

I agree that life consumes people at times and if there's something keeping people together, outside of the place they work, the place they live, the ways they communicate... maybe it will last longer. Even my friendship of 10 years tapered off eventually due to my depression and our physical distance, and how much our lifestyles changed before and after college.

When I was depressed, what was there to talk about really? I couldn't feel much of anything. By the time it lifted we'd been living apart for years with a different circle of friends (or lack thereof) and different goals in life. I miss her a lot, though.

But I also think people tend to get settled into social groups as they get older so it's just more difficult to find someone. At 17, all people focus on is school, friends, dating. When you're in your 20's and up you're competing with full-time jobs and children for time and attention in many cases.
 
It seems like nowadays many people tend to pull away if they think of you as socially desperate. Don't ask me the definition of that term, but I herd it years ago when a girl was describing another girl who she claimed was calling her all the time. I am sure you have not been calling people all the time, so please don't think I am referring to you by saying what some people may be thinking. The other part of reality, and you have nothing to do with it (plus I don't know your friends), is that lifestyles have become so insanely busy and people are so sick of being pulled in every possible direction, that they find it nearly impossible to get any time for themselves and so they just stop communicating any more. This has been largely blamed on social media and the internet overall and I have seen it in my own life quite a bit. I have found that if I stop keeping count on how often I reach out to my friends versus how often they reach out to me, I am still able to enjoy the friendships, and I accept that the time they give me is what they can currently afford to give me. Just like you have done, I may disconnect myself from a person who chooses to constantly complain without taking any action to change their life.
Being somewhat secluded has its benefits. You become more independent. At the same time, it does not prevent you from being able to call the right person when you need help. Being with your own self allows you to learn things you have never learned before and use your time to your own advantage. And time is our most valuable asset as we can never ever get it back. I assure you that you will be able to start a spontaneous friendship along the way. And you checking on your friends only tells me that you care for them.
 
Okay guys and girls , here is what i think about this.

I've been dealing with same kinds of problems (year , two back) i was depressed and now depression is gone , but the problem with friends i have still stays the same... I'm a guy and i know that girls especially tend to reject nice guys or ignore them(even so , i've met people that actually like me as i am , and it made me look on me and everything on different side!)
, so i suppose in my mind i got a few possible reasons why people tend to avoid/ignore someone without direct rejection or something like that.
First - you don't have things in common with them(hobby , interests ) or as rude as it sounds (when they look at your 'facebook' or whatever thing you're using you may not be as the same 'level' as them , again this is just what i give for suggestions , nothing more) ,
but you HAVE TO have topics and interest and invite them to something you like and they also like , talk about things you like ...
Second - Maybe you're acting too needy , insecure or may be obsessive(chatting all the time , wanting to talk all the time) , that in reality is a big turn off for people , no matter what gender ( do you want to be with a male or female with that kind of behavior? i think not .. )
So you have to find a balance with talking , chatting or whatever.

From my point of view , many rich people have more friends than i usually do (for example) , i don't think it's only because of the money , but of the attidude , how they do and talk with people.
So don't give up , i believe we people without many friends will find the right ones and even more people we will know in the future , but it's up to us how we can make them stay in our lifes without pushing them away/annoying them/making them 'run away from us'
Oh and one last thing , sometimes we are obsessed in the circumstances that are right now , so we forget to look at what are the possible reasons for people to be 'staying away from you' . Or last suggestion , you need to go to a psychologist and talk about those problems you have , im sure he/she can help you with that. Best of luck :)
 
Gemmy said:
Long time no talk. I really think I need to start visiting this forum more frequently. I've been dealing with depression due to loneliness. Long story short, I do not have many friends. I have a small circle of about 6 people I talk to on the phone, three of which are family members. One of the persons I called my best friend - I cut off a few weeks ago. I just realized I was being used and his negative attitude was rubbing off on me. I am starting to become very upset as I see I am always the one getting in touch with people first or calling and checking on them. I am starting to wonder why I even have a phone because only about 10 people have my number and of the 10, only 3 call.  When I was working, I made it a goal to make some new friends. I made friends with 2 of my coworkers that I trusted, one of which I was close to. However, I don't hear from either one of them now that we don't work together anymore and both of them have my number. When I do call, the conversations are always short.

I get that people have their own lives. I get that. I know no one has to be my friend. I'm not trying to sound whiny. All I'm saying is it would be nice for someone to check on me or just have a small conversation with me. I keep a lot of things to myself because I truly have no one I can talk to. I deleted my Facebook account for these same reasons and the fact it was expediting my depression. I really sometimes feel like an outcast and that people won't miss me until I'm gone. All I have is my daughter but she is only 3 so I cannot tell her the things I feel. Why are real, true friends so hard to come by nowadays? I am tired of putting effort into my friendships and not getting any effort in return.

It does seem hard to make friends these days. When I was younger and we didn't have all this advanced technology, I would talk and visit my friends all the time. Back then, it seemed easier to make friends. Nowadays everyone text or send e-mails. We do seem like a society that is just so much busy. Interesting since we barely have to lift our hand to do anything. Also, I realize in my case that some friends are seasonal. I had ladies I was close to when my child was in the same school but when I left so did they. If you have one or two close people you do well. Since you have a small baby have you thought about joining up with other moms? Sometimes a connection can come just by setting up "play dates." There was a group called MOPs that also was a connection to meeting ladies with small kids.
 
I think Gemmy is definitely better off alone if the person or people she's currently reaching out to don't reach back.  Why keep knocking at a closed door?  There's no point in trying to pursue a friendship with someone who isn't interested.

As someone who currently lacks women friends to talk with over a cup of tea in my home village, I probably do come across as socially lacking and desperately lonely sometimes. However, I wouldn't think this is a problem for another lonely woman who might move into the village if we share some common interests. In fact, under the right circumstances, it would be a blessing! 

One more thing.  I'm not ashamed of being socially desperate if that's how people choose to view me.  I've suffered enough to know that I'm a survivor, and until someone's walked in my shoes or genuinely knows and understands me, their opinion will not affect my self-esteem.  I will keep searching for a few good friends and I encourage Gemmy to do the same.
 
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Over the past few weeks, I've marinated on some of the things you guys said. Being almost 24, I find it hard to want to go out and make friends like I did when I was younger. As I've said before, I've never had a lot of friends. To be honest, it took Facebook for me to realize who my real friends were a few years ago. As Sushine555 said, technology kinda makes it harder for friendships to stay alive too. I'm not in to social media like I was a few years back. I don't expect for anyone to call me everyday. All in all, I just thought it'd be nice for a friend to actually reach out to me, even if it's just once, to see how I'm doing as I always do for them. I do care for the friends I do still have but in all honesty, I'm not going to keep hurting myself by reaching out a hand that keeps being shoved away. I've just came to a point that if someone is looking for me or thinking about me, they'll make some kind of effort to find me and as Kianda said, why keep knocking on a closed door that no one clearly seems to want to answer?
 
Gemmy said:
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Over the past few weeks, I've marinated on some of the things you guys said. Being almost 24, I find it hard to want to go out and make friends like I did when I was younger. As I've said before, I've never had a lot of friends. To be honest, it took Facebook for me to realize who my real friends were a few years ago. As Sushine555 said, technology kinda makes it harder for friendships to stay alive too. I'm not in to social media like I was a few years back. I don't expect for anyone to call me everyday. All in all, I just thought it'd be nice for a friend to actually reach out to me, even if it's just once, to see how I'm doing as I always do for them. I do care for the friends I do still have but in all honesty, I'm not going to keep hurting myself by reaching out a hand that keeps being shoved away. I've just came to a point that if someone is looking for me or thinking about me, they'll make some kind of effort to find me and as Kianda said, why keep knocking on a closed door that no one clearly seems to want to answer?


I understand...
I'm there right now.

Are you actively trying to meet new people?

My hubby has a circle of friends and despite even being in different countries, opposite time zones, having a family, work - they always make time to send a text or have a phone call to see how he's doing. Even if it's for a minute. It could be weeks or months apart but they always check-in. He does the same back. It's not out of obligation or sense or responsibility - it's out of "want". *I want to see how John is doing and to talk to him...*

There are 1,440 minutes in a day, 365 days in a year. Everyone is busy but we all decide how we prioritize our time. People always comment about how busy I am but I will always a way to make time to those who are close to heart.

I've learned through (sometimes hurtful) experiences that some people just aren't invested in all friendships or just their friendship with me. I've unexpectedly found out that they do reach out to their other friends so it made me realize that we were just "fairweather friends".

Many people fall into the fairweather friend category for me, and I won't invest myself or prioritize them anymore. Why make someone a priority when they make you an option? Aside from my hubby, I have no close friends but I'm always open to the opportunity to meet new people.

That is why I ask if you are actively trying to meet new people. I think it's fine to keep these friendships but you need to meet people who will take the initiative to ask "How are you?" or ask you out (just as you would for them) because this is what would make you happier.

Have you tried www.meetup.com? 

If we were closer, I'd ask you for a coffee.
 
I am trying. When I moved to my new home I joined a community improvement group. It wasn't my fault... they came up to me.  I thought what a great way to make friends. 

The leader of the group told me that a newsletter had to be done monthly; we needed to attend meetings; we needed a welcome booklet.

I did the newsletter; I attended all meetings; I prepared the welcome booklet. 

Once I was utterly used....my term was up --though she was still there: newsletters stopped... the welcome booklet wasn't given out... and she cancelled several meetings or did them by phone. 

I am also persona non grata and she was a gossipy *****... I am pretty sure she has bad mouthed me. 

People SUCK!
 
Honestly, I used to join things hoping to meet some new people, etc. And, most of the time, I was just someone to do the work. They would be Hi Hi Hi so glad to see you, while they were pushing you to do work. And, i am a worker kind of person so i am very good at getting things done. But, in reality, over time, i began to see that it was mostly pointless. So, now, i live my life on my terms. If i want to do something, i do. If i don't, I dont.
 
I'm sorry to hear that Emily and DD. It's happened to me before. Yes, many people suck but there are good people out there. You just haven't met them yet.

From my experience, most people are users but there are the few that are considerate of others. True friends are hard to find.
 
Gemmy said:
I'm not going to keep hurting myself by reaching out a hand that keeps being shoved away. I've just came to a point that if someone is looking for me or thinking about me, they'll make some kind of effort to find me and as Kianda said, why keep knocking on a closed door that no one clearly seems to want to answer?

Thats a wrong thinking. You should try to form relationships all the time. If we were surrounded by desirable people all around you, then your philosophy is true. Why to keep knocking on closed doors that no one seems to want to answer. But unfortunately, we all women and men need to make an effort to find people in our lives that we want to be with.
How many people in your life made your recently feel good? including family? really good, saying something warm and caring or being supporting or exceptional.. doesnt happen often does it. 
Henceforth, dont use that self-defeating philosophy.
 
Use a perception like this.
"The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success".
The seeds can represent your daily encounters and small self improvement that will serve you good in the future (e.g. NLP or body language book).
 
I had the experience of reaching out to several friends over the holidays, and all of them were either with family, had company, didn't answer the phone (I got thier answering machine), or they were "just going out the door", were at work or "just sitting down to dinner" etc. I finally gave up. I was so depressed that day and really needed to talk to someone. I have absolutely NO family left in the world. Its funny that we were encouraged years ago that it was OK to not marry, OK to not want kids, OK to come out if you were gay, etc. I married but did not want kids. My husband is now dead as are my parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I was an only child. I know a gay friend who has no siblings and he is now all alone. Why are there no support groups for those of us who were urged to follow a different path rather than the accepted "Married with 2.5 kids" life and so forth? If you marry an only child, as I did, and you have no siblings yourself, you end up like this and it seems nobody wants to hang out with you when you are an older adult. They are all too busy "living their own lives". I don't regret not having kids, but I would like to have had a brother and sister. But that just was not in the cards. This life sucks!
Karen
 

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