Thieving stepson

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EveWasFramed

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Opinions/advice?
He's 18, not in school and unemployed. He does not live here, but with his mother. He "visits" here. 
Until today, I had been unable to prove it was him taking money. He's been doing it for about a year. He's taken from his mother, me, his father and what makes me the most angry, my eleven year old daughter. Last year, he took $80 of some cash I gave her for Christmas. This year, he took about $65 from her that she'd been saving to buy Xmas gifts with. 
I'm not sure how his father is going to handle it, but it's usually a "talk."
I've made it clear that I expect him to make restitution and pay the child back. 
His dad points out that he doesn't have a job and already owes everyone money. 
Personally, I'd never let him in the house alone again and change the lock codes. I know his dad won't do that though. 
Anyone have any suggestions?
 
Wow, that's a tough situation, because love and money are like oil and water. Even friendships are tough when money is involved, but this is a close family member !

I don't see any obvious answers/solutions. But, how does your husband feel about this behavior ? i.e. what is his stance on this ? Is he too lenient with his boy ?

The reason this is such a tough situation is ... on the one hand, you love your husband and expect him to back you on this. But, your husband might feel like he has been dragged into a conflict and doesn't know which side to be on because he cares about both you and the boy.

Of course, ideally, he would neutrally look at both sides and the solution would address both your problem and whatever the boy's problem is that's causing this behavior ... a win-win, but that doesn't seem very realistic.

Instead of just your husband talking to the boy, why don't you get the whole family together, because it involves everyone ? Even your girl needs to be involved, I think.
 
Somnambulist said:
Wow, that's a tough situation, because love and money are like oil and water. Even friendships are tough when money is involved, but this is a close family member !

I don't see any obvious answers/solutions. But, how does your husband feel about this behavior ? i.e. what is his stance on this ? Is he too lenient with his boy ?

The reason this is such a tough situation is ... on the one hand, you love your husband and expect him to back you on this. But, your husband might feel like he has been dragged into a conflict and doesn't know which side to be on because he cares about both you and the boy.

Of course, ideally, he would neutrally look at both sides and the solution would address both your problem and whatever the boy's problem is that's causing this behavior ... a win-win, but that doesn't seem very realistic.

Instead of just your husband talking to the boy, why don't you get the whole family together, because it involves everyone ? Even your girl needs to be involved, I think.

He steals because he needs gas to go see his girlfriend. She lives about 40 miles away. 
Yes, he is too lenient on his kids - always has been. Yes, I agree that my husband is in a difficult position. I'd hate to find myself in it. I agree with you about all of that. 
But something still needs to be done. Why should he stop when he knows there won't be any consequences? 
A difficult situation indeed. :(
 
EveWasFramed said:
Somnambulist said:
Wow, that's a tough situation, because love and money are like oil and water. Even friendships are tough when money is involved, but this is a close family member !

I don't see any obvious answers/solutions. But, how does your husband feel about this behavior ? i.e. what is his stance on this ? Is he too lenient with his boy ?

The reason this is such a tough situation is ... on the one hand, you love your husband and expect him to back you on this. But, your husband might feel like he has been dragged into a conflict and doesn't know which side to be on because he cares about both you and the boy.

Of course, ideally, he would neutrally look at both sides and the solution would address both your problem and whatever the boy's problem is that's causing this behavior ... a win-win, but that doesn't seem very realistic.

Instead of just your husband talking to the boy, why don't you get the whole family together, because it involves everyone ? Even your girl needs to be involved, I think.

He steals because he needs gas to go see his girlfriend. She lives about 40 miles away. 
Yes, he is too lenient on his kids - always has been. Yes, I agree that my husband is in a difficult position. I'd hate to find myself in it. I agree with you about all of that. 
But something still needs to be done. Why should he stop when he knows there won't be any consequences? 
A difficult situation indeed. :(

Why don't you get the whole family together and have a talk with the boy ? If you leave it up to your hubby, he might go too easy on him. But, if everyone is together, everyone's voice will be heard, and he will understand the seriousness of the situation. You can't rely on your hubby to fix this. You have every right to speak to the boy yourself, and your daughter needs to hear everything that is said.

As a family, y'all need to come to an agreement favoring everyone. I don't think a timeout with your hubby will do the job here.
 
If nothing else works, I think that the boy should be warned of consequences he will face, if it happens again. And, then, those rules should be enforced. Empty threats will only reinforce his motivation to keep stealing.
 
Somnambulist said:
EveWasFramed said:
Somnambulist said:
Wow, that's a tough situation, because love and money are like oil and water. Even friendships are tough when money is involved, but this is a close family member !

I don't see any obvious answers/solutions. But, how does your husband feel about this behavior ? i.e. what is his stance on this ? Is he too lenient with his boy ?

The reason this is such a tough situation is ... on the one hand, you love your husband and expect him to back you on this. But, your husband might feel like he has been dragged into a conflict and doesn't know which side to be on because he cares about both you and the boy.

Of course, ideally, he would neutrally look at both sides and the solution would address both your problem and whatever the boy's problem is that's causing this behavior ... a win-win, but that doesn't seem very realistic.

Instead of just your husband talking to the boy, why don't you get the whole family together, because it involves everyone ? Even your girl needs to be involved, I think.

He steals because he needs gas to go see his girlfriend. She lives about 40 miles away. 
Yes, he is too lenient on his kids - always has been. Yes, I agree that my husband is in a difficult position. I'd hate to find myself in it. I agree with you about all of that. 
But something still needs to be done. Why should he stop when he knows there won't be any consequences? 
A difficult situation indeed. :(

Why don't you get the whole family together and have a talk with the boy ? If you leave it up to your hubby, he might go too easy on him. But, if everyone is together, everyone's voice will be heard, and he will understand the seriousness of the situation. You can't rely on your hubby to fix this. You have every right to speak to the boy yourself, and your daughter needs to hear everything that is said.

As a family, y'all need to come to an agreement favoring everyone. I don't think a timeout with your hubby will do the job here.
That would be great. But I don't make decisions regarding his children. It's a sore point with him, so I don't push the issue. In return, he doesn't (by choice) discipline my eleven year old. I've made it clear I was very angry. My husband did call the boy's mother (whom he lives with) and made her aware it was him doing the stealing. She had initially accused the younger son (he lives with us, not her) of being the thief. They don't get along too well. 
I guess I'll have to wait and see what my husband does. He works out of state during the week, so all he could do is text or call him.
 
This is a difficult situation indeed, Somnambulist made a good suggestion with the "intervention" style meeting, that way the son can see the effects of his selfish actions, but then ofcourse he does need to be the type that is affeted by those kinds of things, and since he has no problem stealing from an 11 year old, I don't feel comfortable making that judgement myself, you probably have a better view of that situation yourself.

One thing is clear though, this needs to stop and he needs to be held accountable for his actions, coming from a country where gas is expensive I was brought up with the notion that you can't aford a car without a job, so work for gas money, or sell the car and use public transportation.
 
Judging by the fact that he has already stolen money repeatedly, I'd find it acceptable to punish him right now, but it should still happen collectively in the presense of all family members. Preferably by limiting access to the vehicle he's using to get to his girlfriend since that looks like the only important thing to him. Since he owes everyone money already and it doesn't grow on trees, there has to be another method for him to redeem himself. Most of the money has probably been spent anyway. Is that even his car? If so, I agree it could be sold to gain money. Otherwise he has to be forced to take a low-wage job.
 
Rodent said:
Judging by the fact that he has already stolen money repeatedly, I'd find it acceptable to punish him right now, but it should still happen collectively in the presense of all family members. Preferably by limiting access to the vehicle he's using to get to his girlfriend since that looks like the only important thing to him. Since he owes everyone money already and it doesn't grow on trees, there has to be another method for him to redeem himself. Most of the money has probably been spent anyway. Is that even his car? If so, I agree it could be sold to gain money. Otherwise he has to be forced to take a low-wage job.

Agreed. Right now is the time for action.
 
EveWasFramed said:
That would be great. But I don't make decisions regarding his children. It's a sore point with him, so I don't push the issue. In return, he doesn't (by choice) discipline my eleven year old. I've made it clear I was very angry. My husband did call the boy's mother (whom he lives with) and made her aware it was him doing the stealing. She had initially accused the younger son (he lives with us, not her) of being the thief. They don't get along too well. 
I guess I'll have to wait and see what my husband does. He works out of state during the week, so all he could do is text or call him.

Sorry, I know this doesn't help you any, but I see something I consider very sad. You're not allowed to discipline his son for actions that *directly* affect you and your daughter ? (i.e. money) WTF ?! That is messed up. What's the point of being a family, if there are barriers and insular factions ?

I'm not in any position to judge ... I've never even come close to being married or having children/stepchildren, but ... if I were married to someone and had stepchildren, there would be no power on this Earth or any other, to stop me from disciplining my stepchildren, because they are absolutely part of my family. Not only do I need to protect myself, but I also care about my stepchildren's upbringing and would want to make a difference. And, likewise, my children would have to answer to my spouse. My spouse is important to me; hence, my stepchildren are important to me (for better or for worse).

In other words, either there is a cohesive family or none at all. In my own life, my "family" was a dysfunctional collage. I said no thanks, and disowned them all. I don't do well with superficial or make-do type relationships.

I'm not judging you here, at all, Eve. I just don't like these barriers that I see in your family. I understand that you have constraints and that your hands are tied. :(
 
Make that selfish child get a **** job and pay it back. There is NO excuse for stealing from a little girl. That just completely crosses the line.

And no, you shouldn't allow him in the house alone. Also, locking door on your daughter's room, put a **** deadbolt on it or something and give her a key and keep the other for yourself.
 
I think something has to be done about the stealing, because stealing is morally wrong, unethical, and illegal. But I don't feel like I can suggest anything because i'm not a parent, other than he should pay back the money. I don't think making him apologize, on top of it, would work because if he doesn't care that it's wrong, it won't be sincere.

The other thing is that he needs to understand that stealing and crime is an unsustainable way to live. You said he is not in school or working - I think that is the underlying issue here, and the only way out of the cycle of wrongdoing and punishment. If he had his own money, he might be less inclined to steal. It also might help if he had a career path lined up. I think it can help keep a person out of trouble to know that while they might not have any money now, they will later if they complete the path and stay out of trouble. He should figure out what he wants to do for work or what he wants to go to school for. The most successful people I know all seemed to figure out who they wanted to be and what they wanted out of life early, and were able to follow a plan to a long-term goal.

He has to pay back your daughter, definitely. But I don't think anything will change until he changes his direction, and it's not really something that a person can be punished into. I think he needs to find a purpose. But I can't say how because I'm struggling with that myself.
 
Any money you might have been planning on spending on him for Christmas give to the sister on his behalf :)
 
You have a right to feel safe in your own house, if not steps need to be made to ensure you can feel safe and comfortable in your own home. If that means your husband has to grow a pair and lay down the law with his ADULT son then that's what he needs to do. "He doesn't have a job" isn't an excuse not to pay back the people he has stolen from, of for him to steal from people, which in my opinion is exactly what he is doing for his son. Giving excuses and permission for him to steal. This adult child will just have to sell some of his own belongings if he doesn't have a job. Sounds like this young man is nothing but a mooch and his parents seem to be facilitating his behavior.
 
EveWasFramed said:
Anyone have any suggestions?

Do what you can to get all your money back. Talk to him, explain to him that you know he did this and it was especially wrong to steal from a young child. Then, after you get all the money back arrange for someone to break this *******'s legs.
 
Sci-Fi said:
You have a right to feel safe in your own house, if not steps need to be made to ensure you can feel safe and comfortable in your own home. If that means your husband has to grow a pair and lay down the law with his ADULT son then that's what he needs to do. "He doesn't have a job" isn't an excuse not to pay back the people he has stolen from, of for him to steal from people, which in my opinion is exactly what he is doing for his son. Giving excuses and permission for him to steal. This adult child will just have to sell some of his own belongings if he doesn't have a job. Sounds like this young man is nothing but a mooch and his parents seem to be facilitating his behavior.

This. Exactly this...couldn't agree more. His parents are doing NO favours for this kid by being so soft on him. Nor is your significant other being fair on you, Eve (and your daughter), by allowing this situation in the first place. Yep - your husband has to grow a pair, indeed.
 
Aw, Eve, really? This young adult robbed your 11 year old daughter and his father offers a shrug and an excuse?
If my 10 year old were robbed like that, I'd be angry too.
Does your husband have your back?
Seems like his son is stealing because apparently stealing from a child doesn't disturb his conscience. And he can get away with it scot-free.

I can't tell you what to do here but some thoughtful decision-making might be in order.
 
I`m so sorry for yet another stressful situation created by your stepson, Eve. :( I agree with what the others have said so far. Time to step out and put firm and clear boundaries among family members, primarily the older son who comes in visit. He owes respect to all of you, the daughter included. I see red only at the thought of it happening to my daughter. I`d spit fire and take the situation in my hands, not waiting for the father to step in and sort things out. Everything until my kid is affected. Phew. But since you, the parents have an agreement about how to contribute to the education of your stepsons, the suggestions of the above posters seem more reasonable. It`s out of the question that the money has to be returned, asap, no untils or ifs... The same way he took it so easily, the same he returns it. Not your problem he doesn`t have how. Not your problem for what he needs it, he`s 18, he responds for his actions. End of discussion.
What I`m concerned is your daughter. I agree the first safety measures are changing the locks to the house, even rooms, but still, we have an 11y old here who shouldn`t fear for her safety in her own home and it isn`t normal to grow up with this model of locking everything up and barricading the room. Doubting her brothers. Hearing their poor lamentations. Wtf? She needs a sane and safe environment to grow up into a confident woman. And...sorry for what I`m saying now, Eve, really no offence meant...but what does she see? A discriminating and passive father, who doesn`t step up to put order and discipline with his own sons then his stepdaughter? Leaving things first on the shoulders of his spouse? Where is the authority of the father? Is this the image and model the child gets to grow up with? And children do see and internalize the things around them. Luckily they are innocent and forgive easily. So..just wanted to say my concern in this situation.
I`m sure this thievery will be solved and I sure hope the discussion that will take place, will make everyone more aware of his responsabilities and the boundaries set.
(Hugs)
 
You are in between a rock and hard place.

You deserve a hug.


I hope you do not mind me providing a personal example and the lesson that I learned.


When I was in the same type of situation in the past (relationship from 2004 - 2008), I stepped to the plate and had in depth conversations with my daughter stepping up to the plate as well.

it was a mistake that I regret because I put too much pressure on my preteen daughter (because I was the one who was the disciplinarian type & she was not).

If all things were equal, it was the right thing to do.

We were giving 100% to my GF & her preteen daughter, but it was not reciprocated.

It lead to even more conflict within our relationship and inadvertently filtered down to our daughters.


Whatever decision you make, please ensure your daughter does not suffer any negative effects from it like my daughter did.

I was the adult & should have shielded her more.


I apologize for not being able to give a more positive experience/suggestion.
 

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