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Holden76

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Why, if I am a nice guy, why am I kpt away from love? Why are the people who are the nastiest to me for no reason whatsoever, are able to have boyfriends, girlfriends, etc? I don't want to turn into a ******* just to have love in my life. 

As you guys know, I work with people who would talk behind my back, and point out all my errors, ( I've only been there for 4 months). The ringleader is able to chew me out for no reason, but, she's able to find love, lay up in a bed with some guy, and I have to go home alone, and deal with the emptiness.
 
It's a false correlation that having relationships or not is due to how nice you are, and that if you're nice and failing it's because you're nice.

Workplaces can be very cliquey crowds, and even when they're adults they can act like high school kids. I've had the same experience in retail where the ones who got along best with the managers were able to have their cellphones out for short periods, or socialize and push their tasks on others.

Only thing I've ever done is keep my head down and focus on the paycheck.
 
I've thought about this myself, also thought about becoming a "bad guy", but I just can't do something like that because I am a sensetive/nice guy eventhough I can be quite hard and uncomprimising when I need to be.

It's something about the "alpha" male behavioral patterns that atracts females, and opens up posibilities in al walks of life (social/career), it all boils down to confidence I guess, ******** off all kinds have confidence and most nice guys do not... so even if there realy aren't any more "true" ******** out there then there are nice guys, the ******** have more exposure and thus a better chance at finding a partner.
 
Trust me, I'm all about keeping my head down, and collecting the paycheck. I work in an office where everyone is either married , married with children ,or in a relationship living together. I don't have anything in common, because I do go home alone, I can't get a date to save my life.

When I was younger, and thinner, I was an alpha male, headstrong. My parents told me to tone it down, so I went totally left to suckersville.
 
Holden76 said:
Trust me, I'm all about keeping my head down, and collecting the paycheck. I work in an office where everyone is either married , married with children ,or in a relationship  living together. I don't have anything in common, because I do go home alone, I can't get a date to save my life.

When I was younger, and thinner, I was an alpha male, headstrong. My parents told me to tone it down, so I went totally left to suckersville.

Like someone mentioned, cliques are your nemesis. And, they are everywhere, including on this forum. They are as certain as death and taxes.

In the presence of a clique, someone who stands out in any way, actually becomes invisible. The mainstream thinking dominates, and stragglers get left behind.

Sorry, pal, but you (like me) are fighting tough odds. That's the bottom line.

I hate to ask the obvious question - what about online dating for gay men ?
 
Tealeaf said:
It's a false correlation that having relationships or not is due to how nice you are, and that if you're nice and failing it's because you're nice.

+10! 

The one thing that most ******** have in common (in addition to being ********) is that they usually display confidence. They're assertive. It may be a fake confidence, but they make it look like they're in total control. They go for what they want, because they don't care about consequences, and they don't care who may or may not get hurt by it. 

Nice people, however, are usually more considerate. This can make them appear less confident, at least when compared to an *******. Being nice often means that you don't go for what you want, because they don't want to step on anyone's toes. Also, for many, this stereotype about "nice guys finish last" probably doesn't help their confidence either, which makes it even harder to actually do something about those feelings they're having for someone. 

Sometimes the nice people just need to be a little more selfish, without going full ****** bag. That is actually possible. Because in my experience, it's not the not-being-nice part that attracts people, but the confidence and assertiveness that often comes from that same group. Also, in my experience, nothing is more attractive than a confident and assertive, yet genuinely nice and good hearted person. 

And yes, of course, there are those who just have a thing for ********. Sucks to be them, I say, because they will never know what it's like to be in a loving and caring relationship. And as far as I've noticed, these people are a minority. Most people really do prefer someone nice. So please don't turn into a ******* just because you think that'll improve your chances at love, because it won't. Instead, try turning up the confidence, even though I know that can be insanely difficult.
 
Holden76 said:
Why, if I am a nice guy, why am I kpt away from love? Why are the people who are the nastiest to me for no reason whatsoever, are able to have boyfriends, girlfriends, etc? I don't want to turn into a ******* just to have love in my life. 

As you guys know, I work with people who would talk behind my back, and point out all my errors, ( I've only been there for 4 months). The ringleader is able to chew me out for no reason, but, she's able to find love, lay up in a bed with some guy, and I have to go home alone, and deal with the emptiness.

Situations like that are why I have this username.... because it's true. :(
 
+1 be a nice guy first it won't stop you achieving your goals. Just some people out there who would like to see you fail. They call them haters or something don't they?
 
i really asked this question to myself multiple times. Parents (especially mother) teach us to be good , but when we start to grow up this kind of "nice guy" behavior isn't helping but people are taking advantage of that and think you're a fool... i hate to say it but im a nice guy and i want to change that , to the point when i can balance to STEP UP when i need to be strong , and be nice when it's possible , but not nice with everyone even these ******** , because all of them are not very smart. They just act like they're something big , when in reality they are pretenders.
 
Celt said:
Cant you be an alpha male and be a nice person also?

Simply said no, not to everyone, and alpha is a leader and some beta's will aspire to become the alpha, an alpha will have to defend his position by "butting heads" with the challanger, maybe I've watched too much discovery channel in my past :p, but honestly I think this comparison with the animal kingdom isn't as different as, for instance, the workplace alpha male ;)
 
Being nice isn't not standing up for yourself, not setting boundaries, never saying no, giving out money or rides to people you don't even know, or waiting quietly for someone to somehow notice your unspoken romantic feelings for them.

If someone has these traits they're not getting used or rejected for being nice, but for being a doormat.
 
Tealeaf said:
Being nice isn't not standing up for yourself, not setting boundaries, never saying no, giving out money or rides to people you don't even know, or waiting quietly for someone to somehow notice your unspoken romantic feelings for them.

If someone has these traits they're not getting used or rejected for being nice, but for being a doormat.

I agree with you ! ;)
 
Tealeaf said:
Being nice isn't not standing up for yourself, not setting boundaries, never saying no, giving out money or rides to people you don't even know, or waiting quietly for someone to somehow notice your unspoken romantic feelings for them.

If someone has these traits they're not getting used or rejected for being nice, but for being a doormat.

I agree, there is a difference between being a doormat/pushover and being a nice guy.  I think some "nice guys" have a problem with crossing over the line to the doormat side.
 
This is a problem in my relationship right now even.

He has this "all or nothing" mindset about flirting. In the beginning right after we officially became a couple he got very forward, past the point where I told him I wasn't in the mood that night, because he felt he had to keep things interesting.

We talked about it and he's stopped flirting entirely because he's scared he'll go too far again and confused about what to do. So, now we have no flirting and no affection in our relationship.

I feel like I'm a little too late in life to be teaching someone something so basic as the grey area between being a cocky, super-sexual jerk and a nice guy who doesn't bother or disturb women with sexuality. The relationship isn't dying because he's a nice guy.

No woman in the world dislikes men who are nice she dislikes other things that he struggles with due to being too nice or not having good relationship skills.

And I'm sure if I later find someone who strikes a good balance, and is good at communicating, but isn't a particularly nice person, the chorus will say, "See? Women hate nice guys and love jerks!"
 
Hearing this "but I'm such a nice guy....!" argument from guys has become so **** tiring. It gave birth to the scourge that is known as the incel.

Truly 'nice' people don't need to remind everyone and themselves of it every single day. And when you do, it seems more like either a facade or a complete lack of awareness.... and in the case of the typical incel, both.
 

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