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How important is it to be in a relationship in your 30s?
#91
(12-15-2016, 05:00 AM)Northern Lights Wrote:
(12-14-2016, 07:58 AM)morgandollar Wrote:
(12-14-2016, 06:58 AM)GrayAndLonesome Wrote: For me, I'm in my low 30's, and it's very important for me to be in a relationship.

However, there has been no luck for me.

I've been to speed dating events in my area, I am currently doing online dating with match.com and OKcupid, and NO LUCK at all!!! Sad

I only had one girl respond to me on Match.com, and we ended up having coffee together, and then dinner together a week later, and then after the dinnner, she didn't respond to my text message. It's okay, because I wasn't interested in her either after seeing her in real life.

I think it's important, especially for males, here in the US to be in a relationship. Otherwise, people will think you're gay or something.

For me, feeling lonely makes me sad, depressed, and I just feel like sitting in my apartment all day long, not wanting to do something.

it's true, loneliness is a BIG TIME KILLER, comparable to alcoholism and drug usage. Single old people die have a tendency (not all of them, but most of them) to pass away earlier than couples who are together.
GrayandLonesome, have you tried It's Just Lunch? They actually help people meet face to face, not just online. It costs over $4,000 for one year but they guarantee at least 8 dates in one year otherwise, after the year, if they have not found you those eight dates, you will receive a full refund. Again, it's face to face not phone calls or messengers. It really worked for me. And I do not have any financial interests with that company. That's how I met my current girlfriend, after four dates with other women. But the high membership cost helps to weed out the scammers and fakes. Again, just a suggestion Smile

As someone who has been in the online dating scene for many years...

1. Take every reasonable dating opportunity available; seek and create opportunities
  • Ask women out (bookstores, coffee places); www.meetup.com; hobby groups etc.
  • Online dating sites: I do not advise spending more than what you can afford. Also, many paid match-making companies or dating sites have been found to be illegitimate using bots or fake member profiles. 
2. Rejection happens to everyone
  • As a female, I'm constantly told that the ball is in my court in the dating world. The fact that supposedly females have it easier made me question what was (even more) wrong with me because I've been continually rejected. It happens to everyone so be careful to not fall into the self-hating mindset that "no one wants me/ there's something wrong with me".
  • Take a break! It's okay after a string of unsuccessful attempts at dating to just take a break. When you're feeling better...try again.
3. Keep trying...and trying...
  • I know some people have lucked out and found love when they weren't looking, but I believe that most people that find love is because they've tried and had a little bit of luck on their side. I believe the worst thing a person can do is to want to find love yet they do nothing or isolate themselves or avoid taking opportunities out of fear (I'm guilty of this and it only made things worse).
The messages that I did not respond to while I was on online dating sites consisted of: "hi babe, how u" "sup" "yo wanna get together sometime Wink". These messages gave me the impression that the sender did not read my profile. I'm not saying that perhaps you're guilty of the above, but maybe you could benefit from some feedback. Of course, there are many other reasons for why a person might not respond - but I'm sure that the ladies on ALL would love to help you with your dating profile or messaging. First impressions are important.
GrayandLonesome, thank you for the advice. Especially, when you mentioned keep trying and trying. As long as some effort is exerted, then there is always a chance that something good might happen. No effort guarantees nothing will happen. And mostly everything about romance in books and movies are just fantasy with very small kernels of truth.
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#92
The craving for a woman at age of 30 is 10 times worse than the craving at younger ages such as 20s.

To add to this, you are more afraid to be stuck alone for the rest of your life.
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#93
I just crossed the 30 year mark this year. I have to say, even though I'm not really date-worthy at the moment, I'm really fed up with being single. It feels like a prison, or like being exiled to some island. Relationships feel like something I am forced out of, like flying first class or something. It feels like I'm "not good enough", and it makes me feel like crap.

The other bad thing about it is, I still have no idea what's wrong with me. I mean, I've kind of pieced it together from observing others, as well as reading lots of articles and personal stories, and I've come to a conclusion that makes sense. But even after all of that reading and note-taking and thinking and work, I still have no way of knowing for sure if my answer is right or not. It's like I'm aiming for a target, but have no idea if I'm getting closer or further away or if I'm even aiming in the right direction.

And if it is what I think it is (my lifelong lack of confidence, this feeling that I'm "just not good enough"), then I don't know what I can do to get rid of it. As I said once in a thread I made, I've been insecure so long that if you stripped my insecurities away, what would be left? I fear that in order to be attractive, I basically have to build my entire identity and personality from scratch again.

Another issue I have is because I feel so insecure, because I feel "not good enough" at everything in life, I wind up making a really bad impression with women. I think this is my biggest problem. I'm insecure because I'm not sure that what I say or do will work, because I have no reference point - nothing I've done has worked yet, I don't have any success stories to say, well, I know this works so I could do that. I don't even mean that with women, I mean any area of life - money, skills, having my own ideas and personal philosophies, what things are worth doing, what places are worth going, etc. And women, people for that matter, just get more and more experienced as time goes on, pulling further and further ahead of me. I fear that if they're always going to be ahead of me in life, then I'm always going to accidentally create the stupid big sister/little brother dynamic, which does not lead into a relationship because the man is stuck in an unattractive frame. The trick seems to be admiration, they have to admire you in some way. Being interesting and fun plus inner strength, which i have little of. i'm really not that impressive of a person, and I don't know when I will be one.

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#94
(12-14-2016, 07:08 AM)VanillaCreme Wrote:
(12-14-2016, 06:58 AM)GrayAndLonesome Wrote: I think it's important, especially for males, here in the US to be in a relationship. Otherwise, people will think you're gay or something.

It's no more important for a guy in the United States to be in a relationship at that age than it is for a female to be in one at that age. We can be looked at as lesbians, for one reason or another. And you say that people will think you're gay as if that's a prison sentence. Who cares if someone thinks you're gay... You know you're not, if you aren't, and if it matters so much to you what anyone else would think, then I believe you're on the wrong track anyway.

I disagree. First of all, there is the onus/burden placed on guys to be in relationship with girls. Otherwise, you're seen as effimate or people may think you're gay, despite the dating oppositions and obstacles that men, or mainly men from my racial background, face here in the US. If a woman is single, people usually don't jump to negative conclusions that the woman is a gay/lesbian. People would think that she's busy still studying in school, or just had a bad divorce and wants to stay single for her life.

For men, there is a negative stigma attached to being single. Unfortunately, that negative stigma is that the guy is gay, when in fact, he is having difficulty finding a girlfriend due to discrimination, or the locale in which he lives in (such as in my case! LOL!).
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#95
(12-14-2016, 07:56 AM)morgandollar Wrote: GrayandLonesome, have you tried It's Just Lunch? They actually help people meet face to face, not just online. It costs over $4,000 for one year but they guarantee at least 8 dates in one year otherwise, after the year, if they have not found you those eight dates, you will receive a full refund. Again, it's face to face not phone calls or messengers. It really worked for me. And I do not have any financial interests with that company. That's how I met my current girlfriend, after four dates with other women. But the high membership cost helps to weed out the scammers and fakes. Again, just a suggestion.

hi Morgandollar,

No, I have not tried "It's Just Lunch" agency for dating. I never even heard of it, but thank you for the suggestion. However, I have used a dating agency back in my old home-state where I used to live. It was expensive, but not as expensive as the $4000.00 fee for It's Just Lunch. I paid $1100.00 for a one-year contract with the match-making agency. The girls usually had their own profiles and the agency would try to match me with some of the girls according to the age-range preference I had. The agency would call me up and give me the name, age, hometown and contact information (phone number) of the girl, and vice versa where the girl I was to meet got a full run-down of my background.

Most of the girls I was paired with were Japanese girls (I'm Asian guy, BTW) who were visiting the area. What a f--king waste of money! I ended up being mister "tour guide" for these girls and also a freaking chum, because I usually bought them coffee or paid for the lunch. I also had some difficulty interacting with them because their English skills were not too good. In a way, I have tried something similar to the dating program "It's Just Lunch" you've just described.

But wow!! *eyes pop out* $4000.00 is a pretty expensive price for me with the income I currently have.

Maybe something for me to consider somewhere down the road.

But time is ticking, I'm turning 35 next month. *sigh*
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#96
(12-14-2016, 12:28 PM)morgandollar Wrote:
(12-14-2016, 11:29 AM)bd1974 Wrote: So when the girl takes one look at you and walks away, that still counts right?  8 of those and they don't have to give you a refund?

These are not blind dates. They send you a profile and picture and the other person sees your profile and picture, if there is an initial mutual attraction, you both agree to meet and It's Just Lunch arranges when and where to meet. And the ones I met were career professionals (real estate agent, art director, veterinarian, and RN) and friendly but we could not keep it going, meaning the attraction was superficial. Then I finally met a real keeper. I mean it was pricey but I did all my research and it seemed legit. So I put down my money and at least for me it was worth it.

^^ Question for your Morgandollar. So this "real keeper" that youv'e met, was that through the It's Just Lunch dating agency? Or did you find this significant other after you ended your It's Just Lunch membership?

I ask because if this agency was successful for you, then I may consider paying the $4K......but somewhere down the road when I make more $$$ from my job.
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#97
(12-15-2016, 11:58 AM)morgandollar Wrote: GrayandLonesome, thank you for the advice. Especially, when you mentioned keep trying and trying. As long as some effort is exerted, then there is always a chance that something good might happen. No effort guarantees nothing will happen. And mostly everything about romance in books and movies are just fantasy with very small kernels of truth.

^^ No no! Don't thank me, thank Northern Lights for the suggestion, as she was the one who encouraged you to keep trying! *smiles*
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#98
Well, the importance of being in a relationship is related to the benefits you get from being in one. In the ideal relationship you get intimacy, support during though times, someone to cooperate with on all the mundane things in life, always having someone to talk to, being able to depend on someone as they are greatly invested in you...

And this is great, but being in a relationship doesn't guarantee any of those. You could be in a relationship without intimacy, without support, with someone who doesn't want to cooperate with you , ...

Personally I don't find it important to be in a relationship, cause I feel I get most of my needs (partly or just sufficiently) fulfilled in other, more dependable ways than entrusting it all to just one person.

If I find a good partner though, I would be all over that. The problem is just that I don't have much to offer in a relationship and the competition is fierce. Especially as all the "good ones" are already taken, or has an attitude similar to my own and doesn't pursue relationships.  Club
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I suppose it's sexier to be outright evil than to just be incompetent at being good.- mintymint
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#99
(12-19-2016, 09:30 PM)Oldyoung Wrote: Well, the importance of being in a relationship is related to the benefits you get from being in one. In the ideal relationship you get intimacy, support during though times, someone to cooperate with on all the mundane things in life, always having someone to talk to, being able to depend on someone as they are greatly invested in you...

And this is great, but being in a relationship doesn't guarantee any of those. You could be in a relationship without intimacy, without support, with someone who doesn't want to cooperate with you , ...

Personally I don't find it important to be in a relationship, cause I feel I get most of my needs (partly or just sufficiently) fulfilled in other, more dependable ways than entrusting it all to just one person.

If I find a good partner though, I would be all over that. The problem is just that I don't have much to offer in a relationship and the competition is fierce. Especially as all the "good ones" are already taken, or has an attitude similar to my own and doesn't pursue relationships.  Club

^^ Well, typically, your average relationship will provide you with a companion and someone to interact with and to do activities with (no I'm not talking about sex, but about doing outdoors hobbies like hiking or camping together).

I highly prefer to be married, despite all the negative possibilities that may come with a relationship.

I have been single for about a year. My previous girlfriend was not that great, let alone, we had a platonic relationship. No sex, no real romance. Just going out to eat dinner and paddle boarding on weekends.

I work in the health care profession, and the sadness comes onto me when I see elderly patients not have any friends or family members  visit them in the hospital. These lone elderly patients also tend to not get great care from the staff because the staff members tend to neglect them over another patient who has family members who visit or stay with them while being hospitalized.
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