i want to go home

I really don't know what the point of this thread is to be honest, I guess I just need to vent. Anyway...

I've lived in the state of New York for around 18 years now, and I've just never felt at home here at all. Except for my parents plus my sister and her family, most of my family is back in Indiana and I haven't been able to see them since moving here. I miss seeing the rest of my family. I miss doing things with my family, like going fishing with my uncles. I had a life when I was back in Indiana, I had a future when I was there, but now ever since moving here I've messed everything up and it seems like there's nothing for me here. I hate this place, I hate being here. This place has done nothing but bring out the worst in me, including my depression, and I don't want to be here anymore.

But what can I do? I have no job or money to be able to get back to Indiana, and I doubt my parents would help me with that. If I still had my own car I would just say fresia it and drive back on my own, leaving behind everything I have here. I know I could probably make things work here, but I just don't feel like I belong here. They say home is where the heart is right? Well it isn't here, and I want to leave. I want to go home.

Yours is a difficult situation and I sympathise with you. There are some points I would like to bring up.
You wrote that you left Indiana 18 years ago, so if you were to go back, things would be different there than they were back then. It is possible that you might find the happiness and fulfilment you need there, but it is also possible that everyone there has moved on emotionally/internally/circumstances-wise in the past 18 years and you could feel as out of place there as you do in New York. Could you save up and go there for a holiday to see if moving back there would be the right thing for you? It would also give you a chance to see if finding a job and somewhere to live would be difficult there. You also say that you could make things work in New York. Maybe if you keep this in mind you could also have this as a back up plan incase for whatever reason you decide to stay in New York after all.

If you hate being where you are now, you should definitely get out of there. That's a no-brainer.

Going home may or may not make things better (as Tiina pointed out, people back home might have changed, and you may not find the same feeling of fitting in there as you did before), but I always say there's no harm in trying. If it doesn't work out there, then you can consider going someplace new. You have this wonderful advantage in America, that you can completely change your climate, surroundings and culture without the hassle of moving abroad, so you might want to think about exploring other places. But the fact that you keep calling Indiana "home," tells me it would be a good idea to try going back there first.

I've had the pleasure of living abroad a couple of times. The first time was for studies, it was limited to a year, but once the year was up I never wanted to leave. That place still feels like a second home to me. The second time was for a job, and it felt risky, but I told myself if it didn't work out, I could always go back to Norway. Which I did, 7 months later, when the job didn't really work out that well. I never regretted trying, though. Life is about trying and failing, I reckon, and you learn something from these things. The most important thing I learned from this, was to never stay in a place where I wasn't happy, and there's no shame in going back. (I also learned that having an apartment just a couple of floors above a night club, is a total nightmare.)

Could you call up a relative and maybe get some busfare and just go back for a week to visit or something? Maybe you are really romanticizing what it was and what it is now may not be what you remembered. Or, maybe it is.

Really what is the worst that could happen? You go back and it doesnt' work out. Well, what you are doing now and have been doing isn't working at all. So, if you stay you can be assured of more of the same. Be BOLD. You need to step out of your comfort zone and go for it.
However, you need to get a job as the first order of business. Go and work towards a goal. Which is to get back home. Work work, work. Earn the money to go. You can do it.

I want to go home, too.

You've got my sympathies haywud....I haven't felt like I really belonged anywhere that I've lived since 1967. If either one of us went home again it probably wouldn't be home anymore.

VanillaCreme said:

I want to go home, too.

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haywud, I am all for you moving out of there. 18 years is a long time for someone to feel like honeysuckle.

Do whatever it takes to get out of there. How about getting a part time job for a little while so you can earn bus/train fare ? Greyhound isn't all that expensive if I remember.

I think there are also ridesharing sites online, including Craigslist, so maybe you can find something even cheaper than bus/train.

Can you start selling your things on Craigslist ? I recently had to sell my own stuff, coz I'm going homeless, and I had pretty good luck with Craigslist.

I absolutely believe that home is where the heart is. Get out of there; the sooner, the better.

You have a consensus. What are u gonna do?

haywud said:

But what can I do?

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First things first. Call your family and make sure you will have a place to stay if you do go back.
Next, find out how much it will cost to travel back. Amtrak or flight or a bus, whatever.
Now you know how much you have to earn to be able to accomplish it. Find something you can do. Gardening, mowing lawns, shoveling snow, get a job, whatever. Find something and do it.

Now, here's the kicker....While you are earning movie to travel back, start looking for a job back there, so you can pay your way when you get there.

If you want something, make a plan and get it done.

Haywud, we've talked about this and many other things. You know what you need to do first, and it's all up to you to do it. Nothing else will fall in to place until you do that one small thing. It's up to you now.

Back in 04 nearly everything important in my life went to crud!   I had recently caught up with an old flame who was holidaying back home (where I live) before heading out of state again.  I missed him after he returned to Queensland and decided I had nothing to loose by moving there ... Not just to be with him but I thought it may also be the only opportunity for my Son and I to experience flying ... And Queensland itself!  I sold most of what I owned to do that!  In short though we only stayed about 5 months! It was an OK extended holiday (the nice way of putting it! lol) ... aaaaannnddddd it wasn't easy starting from scratch when we got back home!  But I have never regretted it for a second!

I hope you find a way to live where you feel your best!  Hopefully your extended family would look forward to seeing you after so long also ...  if you share your thoughts with them (and if they are financially able?)  Perhaps they'll be glad for their chance to get you back and be close with you again!?