Dumped by 2 self-proclaimed lonely girls...how to keep interest of 3rd girl?

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MyTherapyisALL

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Hi all,

This summer I was on a mission to make friends! I had the time off work because I had a baby. I wanted to develop friendships with other new moms and to be able to give my child a normal, healthy, social environment. As a child, my first few years I was not socialized and when I started school I was very frightened of people. I didn't have any friends and I recall begging my teachers every recess to find someone for me to play with during school. It is not normal for a child to have severe depression in elementary school. My mother's family has a history of suffering through bullying, depression and mental illness. My mother had a "that's life" attitude whenever I brought it up to her and I started to believe that it was normal because of my skin (she said she had suffered the same too and that's how things are in this country; which only reinforced my impression that this is normal).

I found 3 ladies through groups I noticed 2 immediately that were very shy and withdrawn from everyone else. I approached them. I can be shy but at the same time, I can carry conversations only if the group of people are either soft-spoken or allow others to talk. 
What I mean by that is that I struggle to talk in groups full of extroverts because they are loudly talking over everyone or just to each other. When I talk they interrupt or talk over me because I'm very soft-spoken, talk slower, and sometimes not heard.

Back to the 2 of the ladies (Friend 1 & Friend 2)...both admitted to me that they had no friends and that they're lonely, they've cried, they're sad their kids don't have other kids to socialize with and are lonely/ suffering too.

Friend 1: She did not drive and I initiated 99% of the texts, outings (almost every other day), and adjusted my schedule and drove to her place.
What changed: I had to go back to work and my free time would be a weekend here and there. I initiated outings but our scheduling together didn't always work out because she had plans or I ended up getting sick. On a recent outing, I saw her texting another girl the entire time. She mentioned how she made a new friend and was excited. There's been several times where I've either hinted or clearly suggest that she text me first or suggested outings. When I left, she repeated it back and asked me to text her, arrange outings etc. I felt very disappointed by this that I have to always be the one to reach out. I checked her FB account and there's proof that she's been going out of her way to meet this new friend and other people. 
What do I do about this friendship? I feel that I invested in it so much and helped her come out of her shell. If anyone deserves her efforts...surely it should be me?

Friend 2: She told me she was always crying and no one to talk to. She profusely thanked me for always including her because she was very shy in that group that we were in.
What changed: When I had to go back to work, I had less opportunities to arrange outings but I still did about 2-3 times. She always had plans or ended up cancelling on the day. I noticed this pattern during the group events as well. She's an immigrant and her sister came to the country a few months ago. Since then, I just haven't heard back from her. She hasn't taken the time to initiate texts or outings or anything.

Friend 3: So far I've met with her less times than the 2 "friends" above. She's very responsive to my messages still and is a strong personality with a combo of introverted/ extroverted traits. 
I feel that she likes me (I say that lightly)...but for now long? How do I encourage a person to reciprocate? How far up or down am I in her "friendship ladder"? Will she just not care about me? What is it that I do right or wrong in building these friendships? How do I keep developing this friendship? I don't think I've ever gotten so far before...

With my history of being abandoned or let down by others, I feel that I need to start making new friends again. It would be upsetting for me especially if Friend 3 suddenly drops off the face of the planet just like other "friends" mentioned above and ones not mentioned in this post...

Compounded to my own loneliness is anxiety that my child will grow up to be a "social loser" like me. When I brought her out to an outing with kids, she kept to herself and I was a bit worried that she was becoming my mini-me. I really would love for her to have an outgoing personality and will be enrolling her in a ton of classes, groups etc to help build her confidence. Social skills are so important! You need decent social skills for jobs, to build confidence etc...I hope that I can give her all of that but how can I when no one is reaching back when I reach out...? How can I be a role model? History repeating itself is my biggest nightmare...I don't want her to suffer depression, bullying, suicidal-thoughts...
 
MyTherapyisALL said:
Friend 1: She did not drive and I initiated 99% of the texts, outings (almost every other day), and adjusted my schedule and drove to her place.
What changed: I had to go back to work and my free time would be a weekend here and there. I initiated outings but our scheduling together didn't always work out because she had plans or I ended up getting sick. On a recent outing, I saw her texting another girl the entire time. She mentioned how she made a new friend and was excited. There's been several times where I've either hinted or clearly suggest that she text me first or suggested outings. When I left, she repeated it back and asked me to text her, arrange outings etc. I felt very disappointed by this that I have to always be the one to reach out. I checked her FB account and there's proof that she's been going out of her way to meet this new friend and other people. 
What do I do about this friendship? I feel that I invested in it so much and helped her come out of her shell. If anyone deserves her efforts...surely it should be me?

From the way you talked about her, she likely doesn't feel comfortable reaching out to other people yet. How do you know that she doesn't feel abandoned by you. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but you were hanging out with her and then went back to work and don't see her as much, so I'm sure how you can see why she would think that...if she thinks that.

DESERVES her efforts? Um, no. You don't deserve another person's time, regardless of what you have done for them. Be her friend, if you want to be. Accept her as she is, as you've always known her to be or just forget about her.

MyTherapyisALL said:
Friend 2: She told me she was always crying and no one to talk to. She profusely thanked me for always including her because she was very shy in that group that we were in.
What changed: When I had to go back to work, I had less opportunities to arrange outings but I still did about 2-3 times. She always had plans or ended up cancelling on the day. I noticed this pattern during the group events as well. She's an immigrant and her sister came to the country a few months ago. Since then, I just haven't heard back from her. She hasn't taken the time to initiate texts or outings or
anything.

Her sister just immigrated, I'm sure she's probably pretty busy. Have YOU tried initiating anything?

MyTherapyisALL said:
Friend 3: So far I've met with her less times than the 2 "friends" above. She's very responsive to my messages still and is a strong personality with a combo of introverted/ extroverted traits. 
I feel that she likes me (I say that lightly)...but for now long? How do I encourage a person to reciprocate? How far up or down am I in her "friendship ladder"? Will she just not care about me? What is it that I do right or wrong in building these friendships? How do I keep developing this friendship? I don't think I've ever gotten so far before...

Sounds like you have some paranoia with this friend. I don't really think any of us can answer these questions. If you like her and want to stay friends with her, keep trying. That's all you can do.

MyTherapyisALL said:
Compounded to my own loneliness is anxiety that my child will grow up to be a "social loser" like me. When I brought her out to an outing with kids, she kept to herself and I was a bit worried that she was becoming my mini-me. I really would love for her to have an outgoing personality and will be enrolling her in a ton of classes, groups etc to help build her confidence. Social skills are so important! You need decent social skills for jobs, to build confidence etc...I hope that I can give her all of that but how can I when no one is reaching back when I reach out...? How can I be a role model? History repeating itself is my biggest nightmare...I don't want her to suffer depression, bullying, suicidal-thoughts...

You don't really need friends to let your child be social. All you really have to do is put her in daycare with other children, find something like Mommy and Me where there will be other mothers. Look for meetup.com opportunities for parents and children. And make sure you put her in preschool or anything like that as soon as you can. When she gets older, SHE will make friends and in turn, you will likely become friends with some of her friend's parents.
But as I said, all you can do is keep trying, eventually you will find someone that you bond with. It's entirely on you how this plays out. If you keep trying, you should eventually get somewhere. If you stop trying, you won't get anywhere.
 
I'm not a reliable friend as a mom. I find when I am surrounded by kids, the conversations with adults feel unnatural, I don't quite click with them. They are busy taking their kids to hockey and skating, and my kids are doing things that don't require a vehicle. And to be honest, having grown up around many of these people, I am a bit biased and don't think I could connect with them outside of the fact that we have parenthood in common.

When I lived with my ex, I met a woman at the park who had 2 kids. I thought we hit it off. We hung out quite a bit on days that weather permitted (neither of us drove) and I babysat her kids for many months, after school. But she was off and on with a man, and I found that when she was on, she didn't want friends as much. When I was about 6 months pregnant with my youngest, I told her I wouldn't be able to babysit anymore because 4 kids was too much for me at the time. She kind of "disappeared" at that point. I didn't hear from her until she saw the birth announcement in the paper. At that point, I had found out that my husband was cheating and stuff, so I wasn't in the mood for her.

Now, the parents irl that I have interactions with are basically just when it is school related.
 
TheRealCallie said:
MyTherapyisALL said:
Friend 1: She did not drive and I initiated 99% of the texts, outings (almost every other day), and adjusted my schedule and drove to her place.
What changed: I had to go back to work and my free time would be a weekend here and there. I initiated outings but our scheduling together didn't always work out because she had plans or I ended up getting sick. On a recent outing, I saw her texting another girl the entire time. She mentioned how she made a new friend and was excited. There's been several times where I've either hinted or clearly suggest that she text me first or suggested outings. When I left, she repeated it back and asked me to text her, arrange outings etc. I felt very disappointed by this that I have to always be the one to reach out. I checked her FB account and there's proof that she's been going out of her way to meet this new friend and other people. 
What do I do about this friendship? I feel that I invested in it so much and helped her come out of her shell. If anyone deserves her efforts...surely it should be me?

From the way you talked about her, she likely doesn't feel comfortable reaching out to other people yet.  How do you know that she doesn't feel abandoned by you.  I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but you were hanging out with her and then went back to work and don't see her as much, so I'm sure how you can see why she would think that...if she thinks that.

DESERVES her efforts?  Um, no.  You don't deserve another person's time, regardless of what you have done for them.  Be her friend, if you want to be.  Accept her as she is, as you've always known her to be or just forget about her.




Perhaps my wording isn't the best - didn't mean to offend with the word "deserve". I suppose I'm wondering why is it that I'm constantly reaching out and have reached out even despite working - and no one is reaching back. I want a friendship where others DO actually call me, or text me, or initiate hang outs. Why must I alone do everything? I guess with time I'll decide if I want to keep reaching out and keep feeling that no one is reaching back out to me.

MyTherapyisALL said:
Friend 2: She told me she was always crying and no one to talk to. She profusely thanked me for always including her because she was very shy in that group that we were in.
What changed: When I had to go back to work, I had less opportunities to arrange outings but I still did about 2-3 times. She always had plans or ended up cancelling on the day. I noticed this pattern during the group events as well. She's an immigrant and her sister came to the country a few months ago. Since then, I just haven't heard back from her. She hasn't taken the time to initiate texts or outings or
anything.

Her sister just immigrated, I'm sure she's probably pretty busy.  Have YOU tried initiating anything?





Yes I have...as I stated above, initiating all of the first messages and asking her to come over, I'll cook etc, 2-3 times and she's not able to make it or cancel. Doesn't get back to me about another date. I DO quite a lot for more people when it comes to initiation because I want to change this cycle. It would feel very nice if someone were to initiate things back to me. For my colleagues' conversations about their friendships...they call their friends; friends call them back; they ask friends to go out; friends ask them back. I'm not asking to calculate 50/50 split or anything, but it is the thought that counts that someone is thinking of me and simply wants to know how was my day and can make some time for a chat or meetup. There is more to my history that perhaps you wouldn't fully relate. It's hard to express myself to those that haven't fully been in my situation or past history. I can only hope to try to make the present better.

MyTherapyisALL said:
Friend 3: So far I've met with her less times than the 2 "friends" above. She's very responsive to my messages still and is a strong personality with a combo of introverted/ extroverted traits. 
I feel that she likes me (I say that lightly)...but for now long? How do I encourage a person to reciprocate? How far up or down am I in her "friendship ladder"? Will she just not care about me? What is it that I do right or wrong in building these friendships? How do I keep developing this friendship? I don't think I've ever gotten so far before...

Sounds like you have some paranoia with this friend.  I don't really think any of us can answer these questions.  If you like her and want to stay friends with her, keep trying.  That's all you can do.

MyTherapyisALL said:
Compounded to my own loneliness is anxiety that my child will grow up to be a "social loser" like me. When I brought her out to an outing with kids, she kept to herself and I was a bit worried that she was becoming my mini-me. I really would love for her to have an outgoing personality and will be enrolling her in a ton of classes, groups etc to help build her confidence. Social skills are so important! You need decent social skills for jobs, to build confidence etc...I hope that I can give her all of that but how can I when no one is reaching back when I reach out...? How can I be a role model? History repeating itself is my biggest nightmare...I don't want her to suffer depression, bullying, suicidal-thoughts...

You don't really need friends to let your child be social.  All you really have to do is put her in daycare with other children, find something like Mommy and Me where there will be other mothers.  Look for meetup.com opportunities for parents and children.  And make sure you put her in preschool or anything like that as soon as you can.  When she gets older, SHE will make friends and in turn, you will likely become friends with some of her friend's parents.  
But as I said, all you can do is keep trying, eventually you will find someone that you bond with.  It's entirely on you how this plays out.  If you keep trying, you should eventually get somewhere.  If you stop trying, you won't get anywhere.




I do keep trying because the worst thing a person can do IMO is to stay in an unhappy situation, complain about things not changing and yet not doing anything about it.

I hope she'll do better than me and that my family history of repeated abuse from others won't pass (not related to these 3 girls) onto her...
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
I'm not a reliable friend as a mom. I find when I am surrounded by kids, the conversations with adults feel unnatural, I don't quite click with them. They are busy taking their kids to hockey and skating, and my kids are doing things that don't require a vehicle. And to be honest, having grown up around many of these people, I am a bit biased and don't think I could connect with them outside of the fact that we have parenthood in common.

When I lived with my ex, I met a woman at the park who had 2 kids. I thought we hit it off. We hung out quite a bit on days that weather permitted (neither of us drove) and I babysat her kids for many months, after school. But she was off and on with a man, and I found that when she was on, she didn't want friends as much. When I was about 6 months pregnant with my youngest, I told her I wouldn't be able to babysit anymore because 4 kids was too much for me at the time. She kind of "disappeared" at that point. I didn't hear from her until she saw the birth announcement in the paper. At that point, I had found out that my husband was cheating and stuff, so I wasn't in the mood for her.

Now, the parents irl that I have interactions with are basically just when it is school related.

What brings you to a lonely forum? My initial impression is that you are very independent and don't care for friendship. Would you say that you are very introverted?

Amy and Callie, I think that you both are very lucky to be very independent and have a "I don't care" attitude for socializing or people. I'm very introverted yet I've always longed for friendship all of my life. I was physically, emotionally, mentally abused by others from a young age up until now so perhaps it may have affected my sense of independence and has made me crave for connections with other people...?

I really wish I could overcome this and just not crave socialization or friendships...
 
My cheating husband pushed me to come here. I got addicted and never left :club:
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
My cheating husband pushed me to come here. I got addicted and never left :club:

Aw shucks...that's quite terrible. That's a horrible thing to go through. I hope that you are doing better! There's other fish in the sea...
 
Callie and Amy, you guys have such an upbeat attitude despite going through that. I think if that happened to me I'd lose it. Brave women!
 
MyTherapyisALL said:
Callie and Amy, you guys have such an upbeat attitude despite going through that. I think if that happened to me I'd lose it. Brave women!

I did lose it, for a while.  Then I decided that wasn't where or who I wanted to be, so I got up and crawled my way out.  It wasn't easy and wasn't fast, but I did it. 
My story is a bit more complicated than just cheating though.
 
MyTherapyisALL said:
Callie and Amy, you guys have such an upbeat attitude despite going through that. I think if that happened to me I'd lose it. Brave women!


Oh, I've lost it. Trust me. It's just knowing where the blame goes, that keeps things a little brighter elsewhere.
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
My cheating husband pushed me to come here. I got addicted and never left :club:

Holy #$*&....., and he left the room alive afterwards??

Can't even imagine how such a conversation should go... did he just go, hey hunny, I messed another person... sowwie :(, but here's a nice forum with lots of people to help you deal with it, K?
 
MisterLonely said:
AmytheTemperamental said:
My cheating husband pushed me to come here. I got addicted and never left :club:

Holy #$*&....., and he left the room alive afterwards??

Can't even imagine how such a conversation should go... did he just go, hey hunny, I messed another person... sowwie :(, but here's a nice forum with lots of people to help you deal with it, K?

I could write a book on that story :D
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
MisterLonely said:
AmytheTemperamental said:
My cheating husband pushed me to come here. I got addicted and never left :club:

Holy #$*&....., and he left the room alive afterwards??

Can't even imagine how such a conversation should go... did he just go, hey hunny, I messed another person... sowwie :(, but here's a nice forum with lots of people to help you deal with it, K?

I could write a book on that story :D

If it's about how you murdered him and desolved his body in a bathtub I might read it :p
 
MyTherapyisALL said:
[...] On a recent outing, I saw her texting another girl the entire time. She mentioned how she made a new friend and was excited. [...] I checked her FB account and there's proof that she's been going out of her way to meet this new friend and other people. [...]

I'm sorry it isn't working out the way you hoped it would.  Sometimes you help someone on their feet and they walk away from you. You've got to let it go if that's what she wants. I'm not sure what the situation is here though.  Do you feel appreciated?  Are you still there for one another, even though your work makes it difficult to be there a lot of the time?  This is something that you've got to appraise for yourself.  Whether or not she's having a good time with her other friends is irrelevant. If she makes you feel unwanted, take a hint. Don't waste your precious time on someone who regards you as an option.
 

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