M
MyTherapyisALL
Guest
Hi all,
This summer I was on a mission to make friends! I had the time off work because I had a baby. I wanted to develop friendships with other new moms and to be able to give my child a normal, healthy, social environment. As a child, my first few years I was not socialized and when I started school I was very frightened of people. I didn't have any friends and I recall begging my teachers every recess to find someone for me to play with during school. It is not normal for a child to have severe depression in elementary school. My mother's family has a history of suffering through bullying, depression and mental illness. My mother had a "that's life" attitude whenever I brought it up to her and I started to believe that it was normal because of my skin (she said she had suffered the same too and that's how things are in this country; which only reinforced my impression that this is normal).
I found 3 ladies through groups I noticed 2 immediately that were very shy and withdrawn from everyone else. I approached them. I can be shy but at the same time, I can carry conversations only if the group of people are either soft-spoken or allow others to talk.
What I mean by that is that I struggle to talk in groups full of extroverts because they are loudly talking over everyone or just to each other. When I talk they interrupt or talk over me because I'm very soft-spoken, talk slower, and sometimes not heard.
Back to the 2 of the ladies (Friend 1 & Friend 2)...both admitted to me that they had no friends and that they're lonely, they've cried, they're sad their kids don't have other kids to socialize with and are lonely/ suffering too.
Friend 1: She did not drive and I initiated 99% of the texts, outings (almost every other day), and adjusted my schedule and drove to her place.
What changed: I had to go back to work and my free time would be a weekend here and there. I initiated outings but our scheduling together didn't always work out because she had plans or I ended up getting sick. On a recent outing, I saw her texting another girl the entire time. She mentioned how she made a new friend and was excited. There's been several times where I've either hinted or clearly suggest that she text me first or suggested outings. When I left, she repeated it back and asked me to text her, arrange outings etc. I felt very disappointed by this that I have to always be the one to reach out. I checked her FB account and there's proof that she's been going out of her way to meet this new friend and other people.
What do I do about this friendship? I feel that I invested in it so much and helped her come out of her shell. If anyone deserves her efforts...surely it should be me?
Friend 2: She told me she was always crying and no one to talk to. She profusely thanked me for always including her because she was very shy in that group that we were in.
What changed: When I had to go back to work, I had less opportunities to arrange outings but I still did about 2-3 times. She always had plans or ended up cancelling on the day. I noticed this pattern during the group events as well. She's an immigrant and her sister came to the country a few months ago. Since then, I just haven't heard back from her. She hasn't taken the time to initiate texts or outings or anything.
Friend 3: So far I've met with her less times than the 2 "friends" above. She's very responsive to my messages still and is a strong personality with a combo of introverted/ extroverted traits.
I feel that she likes me (I say that lightly)...but for now long? How do I encourage a person to reciprocate? How far up or down am I in her "friendship ladder"? Will she just not care about me? What is it that I do right or wrong in building these friendships? How do I keep developing this friendship? I don't think I've ever gotten so far before...
With my history of being abandoned or let down by others, I feel that I need to start making new friends again. It would be upsetting for me especially if Friend 3 suddenly drops off the face of the planet just like other "friends" mentioned above and ones not mentioned in this post...
Compounded to my own loneliness is anxiety that my child will grow up to be a "social loser" like me. When I brought her out to an outing with kids, she kept to herself and I was a bit worried that she was becoming my mini-me. I really would love for her to have an outgoing personality and will be enrolling her in a ton of classes, groups etc to help build her confidence. Social skills are so important! You need decent social skills for jobs, to build confidence etc...I hope that I can give her all of that but how can I when no one is reaching back when I reach out...? How can I be a role model? History repeating itself is my biggest nightmare...I don't want her to suffer depression, bullying, suicidal-thoughts...
This summer I was on a mission to make friends! I had the time off work because I had a baby. I wanted to develop friendships with other new moms and to be able to give my child a normal, healthy, social environment. As a child, my first few years I was not socialized and when I started school I was very frightened of people. I didn't have any friends and I recall begging my teachers every recess to find someone for me to play with during school. It is not normal for a child to have severe depression in elementary school. My mother's family has a history of suffering through bullying, depression and mental illness. My mother had a "that's life" attitude whenever I brought it up to her and I started to believe that it was normal because of my skin (she said she had suffered the same too and that's how things are in this country; which only reinforced my impression that this is normal).
I found 3 ladies through groups I noticed 2 immediately that were very shy and withdrawn from everyone else. I approached them. I can be shy but at the same time, I can carry conversations only if the group of people are either soft-spoken or allow others to talk.
What I mean by that is that I struggle to talk in groups full of extroverts because they are loudly talking over everyone or just to each other. When I talk they interrupt or talk over me because I'm very soft-spoken, talk slower, and sometimes not heard.
Back to the 2 of the ladies (Friend 1 & Friend 2)...both admitted to me that they had no friends and that they're lonely, they've cried, they're sad their kids don't have other kids to socialize with and are lonely/ suffering too.
Friend 1: She did not drive and I initiated 99% of the texts, outings (almost every other day), and adjusted my schedule and drove to her place.
What changed: I had to go back to work and my free time would be a weekend here and there. I initiated outings but our scheduling together didn't always work out because she had plans or I ended up getting sick. On a recent outing, I saw her texting another girl the entire time. She mentioned how she made a new friend and was excited. There's been several times where I've either hinted or clearly suggest that she text me first or suggested outings. When I left, she repeated it back and asked me to text her, arrange outings etc. I felt very disappointed by this that I have to always be the one to reach out. I checked her FB account and there's proof that she's been going out of her way to meet this new friend and other people.
What do I do about this friendship? I feel that I invested in it so much and helped her come out of her shell. If anyone deserves her efforts...surely it should be me?
Friend 2: She told me she was always crying and no one to talk to. She profusely thanked me for always including her because she was very shy in that group that we were in.
What changed: When I had to go back to work, I had less opportunities to arrange outings but I still did about 2-3 times. She always had plans or ended up cancelling on the day. I noticed this pattern during the group events as well. She's an immigrant and her sister came to the country a few months ago. Since then, I just haven't heard back from her. She hasn't taken the time to initiate texts or outings or anything.
Friend 3: So far I've met with her less times than the 2 "friends" above. She's very responsive to my messages still and is a strong personality with a combo of introverted/ extroverted traits.
I feel that she likes me (I say that lightly)...but for now long? How do I encourage a person to reciprocate? How far up or down am I in her "friendship ladder"? Will she just not care about me? What is it that I do right or wrong in building these friendships? How do I keep developing this friendship? I don't think I've ever gotten so far before...
With my history of being abandoned or let down by others, I feel that I need to start making new friends again. It would be upsetting for me especially if Friend 3 suddenly drops off the face of the planet just like other "friends" mentioned above and ones not mentioned in this post...
Compounded to my own loneliness is anxiety that my child will grow up to be a "social loser" like me. When I brought her out to an outing with kids, she kept to herself and I was a bit worried that she was becoming my mini-me. I really would love for her to have an outgoing personality and will be enrolling her in a ton of classes, groups etc to help build her confidence. Social skills are so important! You need decent social skills for jobs, to build confidence etc...I hope that I can give her all of that but how can I when no one is reaching back when I reach out...? How can I be a role model? History repeating itself is my biggest nightmare...I don't want her to suffer depression, bullying, suicidal-thoughts...