This is not by choice, my depression, anxiety, and social phobia make it so hard to meet people or be normal.
There is a difference between having a hard time, and not being able to do anything about it. How many people from all the people that you know, have the people they want in their lives.. people who were first strangers who were approached by a cold approach?
I will answer that question for you! very few.
I know people who have friends and spouses, they arent happy people. They can socialize with the people they know, but they are not happy and want someone else in their lives.
So aim high, not low, even if you have nothing.
Lesson 1:
"Aim for the moon, if you miss, you hit the stars".
Being completely alone is killing me slowly, making me more isolated and exacerbating my mental conditions.
Really?!!?
I have been alone for longer than you have. I am 32 and I am alone (no family, close relationships, distant relationships, online friends..nothing!) for over a decade. I havent felt more isolated and my mental condition is even better than it was with the awful people that I was surrounded with (especially family and relatives). How do you explain that distinction between you and me?
That is because I set my social expectations high enough so they are reasonable. Society came up with that idea that loneliness exacerbates your mental conditions. Did you know, that some psychiatrists recommend being alone because it lets you heal?
Let me tell you about things that exacerbate your mental conditions, the following relationships situations when you are not alone:
- Break up with someone you thought was perfect.
- Losing a close friend that you have been friend with him for years.
- Finding that your friends are idiots, very different from you or treacherous.
- Having a mother who hates you and tells you that she never wanted you.
- Having a father who doesnt care about you, even when you are abused by people who are close to him.
- Having an awful sister, who drags you into difficult situations.
- Working around people who are different than you, non caring, difficult to cope with.
- Being with people or friends and wishing you had different friends or spouse.
- ...
I could go on, but you got my point that being alone is not the worst thing on the top of your list that should lead to 'mental problems'.
Adapt your social expectations, dont set them to what the society thinks is right. Be alone as much as you like, let relationships happen.. put some effort, but not all your effort (mental and physical). Otherwise you will hurt your self-esteem.. if you put too much effort in chasing people. Pleasing people all the time, will exacerbate your mental conditions..loneliness does nothing to it.
Lesson 2:
"I dont know what the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone"
I wish so much to have friends, but it seems no one really likes me or wants to ever be my friend. I would love to talk to people, be around people, but it is hard to do and when I am around people I tend to feel anxious and like a misfit or that I don't belong, or that I am not wanted.
If you compared to having your desires behind a big door (which represents your fears, obstacles, depression, whatever), wouldnt it be better to try to slam and having it break instead of staring at it or lock pick it or trying to find a key for it.
Okay so here are a few solutions that I mentioned. Lets think about them together:
1) Staring at it and pondering about how big and strong it is. That doesnt help, you are going to be at square one until you decide to make a move.
2) lock picking. Lock picking it could help. But it is a skill that is mastered with years of trying. You need experience of socializing a lot to achieve it. Have you tried any PUA forums, perhaps also socializing with people who are in your situation?
3) Finding a key. Finding a key is like finding the right way that would work 100%. You could look for a key, but it could take a lot of searching effort.. that way to interact with anyone and succeeding 100% of the time. People are sociable, know that there are many keys for each door, behind each one of them is a person that they like. Many doors and many keys for each door.. your probability of succeeding opening is not that great...and simply leads to more anxiety and depression when you attach the outcome of opening it.
Wouldnt it also be possible to smash the door? With the brute force of your body or something heavy?
For example you could, approach a ridiculous number of times, or read large number books on psychology or ask ridiculous number of people for help on many forums, become interesting.. travel, read and watch interesting stuff, focus on yourself before approaching people, are you okay? have you invested in yourself a lot to be interesting and worthy for people? or are you someone who was digging a bigger hole than you found yourself in in the first place?
Just Slam the F*king door open.
Dont worry failure. Failure is our friend. enough failures give you feedback and the pain from it, conditioned to be harder by it.
Small successes are desirable for our confidence..but we still remain blindfolded without enough failures and our ego doesnt promote our personal improvement.
Lesson 3:
"Everything is on the other side of fear, and stay strong, force yourself though it, if you have to! dont rely solely on technique"
"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure"
Most people I know have either friends or a significant other, or both, but I don't know anyone that has neither, such as myself. So for anyone that does not have friends or a significant other, how do you survive and cope?
You are not other people and other people are not you. It doesnt matter if it is the other way around, they have many friends and you have none.
You survive by reducing the significance of not having friends and at the same time increasing your feeling of self-love by having your own goals that define you as a better person. Relationships come with time and with people you like. only few people can form such relationships. It is the truth and it hurts, even for me.
Lesson 4:
"success is simple. Do whats right, the right way, at the right time"
Because it really brings me into the stages of grief, despair, and hopelessness, and I don't know how I can sustain this.
Dont set yourself boundaries where you can break. It does nothing, and it is self-defeating.
Lesson 5:
"If it doesnt kill you, it makes you stronger"
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