NewOrder2016
Well-known member
Background about myself:
- Studied A-Level psychology and read many popular psychology books.
- Have been socially isolated for more than a decade and when I had only one unreliable friend.
- Barely can remember the time when I felt lonely.
- 32 yrs old, male, well-travelled, uni graduate, working in computer industry.
Loneliness is caused by two things: lack of doing something and caring about being having no social life.
Before giving advice..here is an explanation of how the mind works. The mind searches for patterns, anything that you sense is processed into a thought which is then fitted into some pattern. The pattern is determined by different factors such as your knowledge, personality and other factors. The brain has to place thing into patterns, otherwise it would be overwhelmed with everything that we sense and later process. In fact, the function of dreaming is organizing our thoughts. So our mind even organizes the thoughts into patterns when we are not fully conscious.
So here is what you need to do, to stop feeling loneliness. First, stop caring about your life style if it is focused around socializing. Chasing people's needs harms the self-esteem more than chasing most of other type of goals. Even if you do have a social circle, you may still be a sad person. If you find friends, then good for you, if you dont, then you you are still okay. Nothing has happened to anyone who havent had friends for a while. No trauma. I encountered no psychological literature that talked about long term negative effects of lack of social contact, other than research in children who are as young as babies.
Having no friends wont even stop you from achieving things that you really want? not even a 1% of the things that you want. Be honest with yourself.
It would be even better for you to dispose some of the people around you who have bad influence on you!
I am 32 year old, and have achieved many things that I wanted while having only 4 friends, of whom only 1 was a true friend. I can at this age look for and form a social circle, nothing is stopping me. I just dont do it because I dont feel lonely. People are just different from who I am, so it is harder to interact with them.
Okay, now that you addressed the problem of caring too much about a social life style. How do you cope with having nothing to do which makes you feel lonely.
As I mentioned before, the mind searches for patterns. So what do I do while knowing that fact?
I find things that I like doing, and start doing them. Easy and enjoyable tasks. A day passes, and if I dont complete the task, my mind preoccupies itself with the task and the meaning of completing it. Nothing else. I just get myself busy and add as many activities as I like and enjoy doing such as reading books, going on forums, listening to music, practicing BJJ, watching vids/docs on youtube, playing video games.
You need also to think in terms of strategy of what that going to do to you! would it keep me socially isolated? yes! but in the scenario, I will be improving myself and live life the way I want to..instead of pleasing others. If time comes and I find someone I like, I will shift my life balance towards them.
You have to know that you cant control 100% of your environment. Make 50% effort to try to expect relationships to form, not 100%.. that type of thinking would only lead to self-blame, low self-esteem and greater feeling of loneliness.
What do you think of my way of coping with loneliness?
It worked for decades for me, and I dont think that will working in decades to come,, even if I am stuck with no one.
There were only few times when I felt lonely. Those were mainly times when I was alone in different countries. Thats it. But I dont think about those times. I have got more meaningful and better things to do in my life.
Try my trick or advice. Bank on your mind to form patterns.. make your life filled with things you like doing. Be busy and self-improve until relationships form.
- Studied A-Level psychology and read many popular psychology books.
- Have been socially isolated for more than a decade and when I had only one unreliable friend.
- Barely can remember the time when I felt lonely.
- 32 yrs old, male, well-travelled, uni graduate, working in computer industry.
Loneliness is caused by two things: lack of doing something and caring about being having no social life.
Before giving advice..here is an explanation of how the mind works. The mind searches for patterns, anything that you sense is processed into a thought which is then fitted into some pattern. The pattern is determined by different factors such as your knowledge, personality and other factors. The brain has to place thing into patterns, otherwise it would be overwhelmed with everything that we sense and later process. In fact, the function of dreaming is organizing our thoughts. So our mind even organizes the thoughts into patterns when we are not fully conscious.
So here is what you need to do, to stop feeling loneliness. First, stop caring about your life style if it is focused around socializing. Chasing people's needs harms the self-esteem more than chasing most of other type of goals. Even if you do have a social circle, you may still be a sad person. If you find friends, then good for you, if you dont, then you you are still okay. Nothing has happened to anyone who havent had friends for a while. No trauma. I encountered no psychological literature that talked about long term negative effects of lack of social contact, other than research in children who are as young as babies.
Having no friends wont even stop you from achieving things that you really want? not even a 1% of the things that you want. Be honest with yourself.
It would be even better for you to dispose some of the people around you who have bad influence on you!
I am 32 year old, and have achieved many things that I wanted while having only 4 friends, of whom only 1 was a true friend. I can at this age look for and form a social circle, nothing is stopping me. I just dont do it because I dont feel lonely. People are just different from who I am, so it is harder to interact with them.
Okay, now that you addressed the problem of caring too much about a social life style. How do you cope with having nothing to do which makes you feel lonely.
As I mentioned before, the mind searches for patterns. So what do I do while knowing that fact?
I find things that I like doing, and start doing them. Easy and enjoyable tasks. A day passes, and if I dont complete the task, my mind preoccupies itself with the task and the meaning of completing it. Nothing else. I just get myself busy and add as many activities as I like and enjoy doing such as reading books, going on forums, listening to music, practicing BJJ, watching vids/docs on youtube, playing video games.
You need also to think in terms of strategy of what that going to do to you! would it keep me socially isolated? yes! but in the scenario, I will be improving myself and live life the way I want to..instead of pleasing others. If time comes and I find someone I like, I will shift my life balance towards them.
You have to know that you cant control 100% of your environment. Make 50% effort to try to expect relationships to form, not 100%.. that type of thinking would only lead to self-blame, low self-esteem and greater feeling of loneliness.
What do you think of my way of coping with loneliness?
It worked for decades for me, and I dont think that will working in decades to come,, even if I am stuck with no one.
There were only few times when I felt lonely. Those were mainly times when I was alone in different countries. Thats it. But I dont think about those times. I have got more meaningful and better things to do in my life.
Try my trick or advice. Bank on your mind to form patterns.. make your life filled with things you like doing. Be busy and self-improve until relationships form.