I seriously don't know what to do anymore.

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MentatsGhoul

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I'm just completely at a loss. 

Nothing works. I've lowered my expectations. I'd settle for just a few dates, a one night stand even. Just going to clubs and parties and such- doesn't work. I've tried building my friendship network, I've got more friends than I know what to do with now. Still no prospect of a relationship. I even asked my female friends to help me meet people, maybe bring their friends over to our place (most of them are my flatmates), and they didn't really know what to do. Last year, I tried OkCupid, and, I honeysuckle you not, there was only a total of 12 girls in my age range (which I think I put as 18-23). This year (as per my recent thread) I tried Tinder. No luck whatsoever. 

I'm gonna keep my Tinder profile up for a week or two after the next semester starts, since there will probably be much more active people during school days, but, if that doesn't work... I honestly don't know what next. And yes, I know, I know "Be patient, everything happens at its time". I know that. But... I don't know what to do to make it happen. It's something I want, need even at this stage. I'm turning 21 soon, and I've only had one (online) relationship. I just want to feel like I might actually have a romantic connection with someone... Even if it's just feeling it might be possible for me to begin with
 
I was once told that when you look for your s/o and relationships - it will rarely work out. You come across those type of people to whom you establish a special kind of connection when you least expect it. I know alot of people would consider that just sitting around and waiting for a miracle. I for one have learned to let go of my desires and focus on my hobbies, and studies because it just doesn't work out for me the way i'd want it to.
 
Gorbachov said:
I was once told that when you look for your s/o and relationships - it will rarely work out. You come across those type of people to whom you establish a special kind of connection when you least expect it. I know alot of people would consider that just sitting around and waiting for a miracle. I for one have learned to let go of my desires and focus on my hobbies, and studies because it just doesn't work out for me the way i'd want it to.

I appreciate your comment, but the fact is, I know that. I know that there's a chance I might just go out one day and run into the girl of my dreams and happily ever after. But, the question is, when? In a week? In ten years? Or, the very real possibility of never? Also, one of the reasons it doesn't work out when you "look" for it is the expectations you create and lacking objectivity when meeting new people, but that isn't really an issue for me, since, despite how it might seem, I do have decent standards and can remain relatively level-headed.

I get decent grades, I'm working on two books, I have lots of friends, I love gaming and I'm trying to establish an exercise routine to get in good shape. I can't plan my life further than a few months currently, for reasons that are too complicated to get into, but trust me, I just CAN'T, my life doesn't allow it, so working towards some abstract ultimate goal is not for me (nor would I want to, I'd go insane if I followed the whole modern "always be productive and think about success" mentality). But overall, my life is pretty good right now, for the first time in years, and I'm happy. 

This is bothering me though. It really is. I know every mantra that can be said. "You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy alone". "Best things come to those who wait". All those seemingly simple but in reality impossible to live up to standards that honestly just make me feel more stressed when I try to live up to them. Because I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it because I feel I should, and honestly, screw that. This is something I want, at the end of the day, and it really is time. I'm almost 21 and still a virgin, and while I don't care about that too much socially since I don't go advertising how many people I've slept with to everyone, it's starting to make me sad on a personal level, because I'm starting to feel like I'm missing out on an aspect of life that's pretty **** important to most people. 

And it's a bit funny to me. I look in the mirror and I see a good looking guy, I can make people laugh all night long with my jokes, and I've lost so many friends and been kicked in the teeth so many times that I know how to appreciate what I have and not treat people badly, even if its unintentional. But I just can't seem to cross this one hurdle despite all that and it's tiring to me.

Sorry that turned into a bit of an essay lol. But... I just feel I can't just... focus on other things and just wait.
 
Some guys fall between the cracks. No explanation, no logic. Just hope your luck changes.
 
MentatsGhoul said:
I appreciate your comment, but the fact is, I know that. I know that there's a chance I might just go out one day and run into the girl of my dreams and happily ever after. But, the question is, when? In a week? In ten years? Or, the very real possibility of never? Also, one of the reasons it doesn't work out when you "look" for it is the expectations you create and lacking objectivity when meeting new people, but that isn't really an issue for me, since, despite how it might seem, I do have decent standards and can remain relatively level-headed.

I get decent grades, I'm working on two books, I have lots of friends, I love gaming and I'm trying to establish an exercise routine to get in good shape. I can't plan my life further than a few months currently, for reasons that are too complicated to get into, but trust me, I just CAN'T, my life doesn't allow it, so working towards some abstract ultimate goal is not for me (nor would I want to, I'd go insane if I followed the whole modern "always be productive and think about success" mentality). But overall, my life is pretty good right now, for the first time in years, and I'm happy. 

This is bothering me though. It really is. I know every mantra that can be said. "You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy alone". "Best things come to those who wait". All those seemingly simple but in reality impossible to live up to standards that honestly just make me feel more stressed when I try to live up to them. Because I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it because I feel I should, and honestly, screw that. This is something I want, at the end of the day, and it really is time. I'm almost 21 and still a virgin, and while I don't care about that too much socially since I don't go advertising how many people I've slept with to everyone, it's starting to make me sad on a personal level, because I'm starting to feel like I'm missing out on an aspect of life that's pretty **** important to most people. 

And it's a bit funny to me. I look in the mirror and I see a good looking guy, I can make people laugh all night long with my jokes, and I've lost so many friends and been kicked in the teeth so many times that I know how to appreciate what I have and not treat people badly, even if its unintentional. But I just can't seem to cross this one hurdle despite all that and it's tiring to me.

Sorry that turned into a bit of an essay lol. But... I just feel I can't just... focus on other things and just wait.
^^ @ MentatsGhoul, wow, I totally agree with what you're saying.

But heck, at least you're in a better situation and position than I'm in.

In three weeks, it's my birthday, and I turn 35.

I have never had a "real/authentic" girlfriend in my entire f--king life. I'm so pissed.

At least you're turning 21 years old. You still have a long way to go, and lots of potential opportunities ahead of you. When I was in college, all I did was study study, and yes, I did hang out with friends and joined a lot of clubs and extracurricular activities.

However, romance and dating did not even hit me when I was an undergrad.

Fast forward to now, I have a new job and working in a totally new career. I'm getting older, my younger sister already has married and she gave birth to her second son last year in June.

I feel like a total loser.

Lastly, I hate it when people tell me "love will find you when you least expect it." What a bunch of crocodile sh-t.

There is luck with certain people. My friend bryce was introduced to him his current wife. Wow, lucky him. I get introduced to girls, but they turn me down after the first date.

Anyhow, I just wish you the best of luck, MentatsGhoul.

You're in the right track, that you have a large group of friends and that you have great grades, etc.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying in college right now? What is your career focus?


Gorbachov said:
I was once told that when you look for your s/o and relationships - it will rarely work out. You come across those type of people to whom you establish a special kind of connection when you least expect it. I know alot of people would consider that just sitting around and waiting for a miracle. I for one have learned to let go of my desires and focus on my hobbies, and studies because it just doesn't work out for me the way i'd want it to.

^^ @ Gorbachov. I'm sorry, but I'm going to disagree with you on the bold-faced statement.

You find connection or your future love when you least expect it? What a pile of horse manure.

I know MentatsGhoul is a young guy, so he has a lot of potential ahead of him.

But me? I am turning 35 in a couple of weeks, still not girlfriend, no interests in me when it comes to internet dating.

Heck, if push comes to shove, I'm going to find myself a mail order bride....dead serious.

For some peope, love finds them. But for others, like me, love will never find me.
 
^ Well it's not the same with everyone, so you can imagine. It has been that way for me mostly unfortunately - when i was focused on my career and studies a person came into my life and did more to distract me from that, to say the least and i regret that everyday now. Now neither i have her or the passion for my studies.
 
Gorbachov said:
^ Well it's not the same with everyone, so you can imagine. It has been that way for me mostly unfortunately - when i was focused on my career and studies a person came into my life and did more to distract me from that, to say the least and i regret that everyday now. Now neither i have her or the passion for my studies.

^^ And I happen to be one of those person where love or a potential mate does not seek me. A lot of my former friends in college, church friends/brothers told me "oh, don't worry, you will find the love of your life when you least expect it."

Like I've said in my previous posting, those words or that phrase in particular is a pile of horse manure.

Love never found me, but lucky you, that although you were focused on your studies, you had a potential lover come right into your life.

For me, I have to fight my way and find my potential lover. In three weeks, I turn 35. I may not be an old fart, but a lot of my friends have already married, one of them recently had a daughter last year in June. My younger sister is already married, been married for six years, and already have two kids (although I don't consider them as nephews as I dislike the guy she had decided to marry).
 
MentatsGhoul said:
I'm just completely at a loss. 

Nothing works. I've lowered my expectations. I'd settle for just a few dates, a one night stand even. Just going to clubs and parties and such- doesn't work. I've tried building my friendship network, I've got more friends than I know what to do with now. Still no prospect of a relationship.

A short time ago you were complaining about not having any friends, being unable to fit in anywhere, a situation that seems to be rectified now. Maybe you could be thankful for that for the time being?
 
21 and a virgin - why do you think that's a problem? There's lots of pressure to lose it just for losing it's sake, but really - do you simply want a one night stand? Lots of people - a lot more than admit it - lose it late. Given the comment 'I just want to feel like I might actually have a romantic connection with someone' I'd suggest that finding someone right is more important to you than simply getting your end away.

Because you're a virgin you don't yet know the difference between a one night stand vs that first bit of love making vs being able to have a bit of naughty with someone you care for. Sex changes drastically depending on the relationship you're in. It's absolutely correct that if you take the time you'll stumble across the right person - even if that right person is not forever.

Most guys are constantly trying to get a woman in bed, it sounds like you're not trying to do that - which is perhaps why you've fallen into that friend zone with so many people - your female friends trust you. If I were you I'd just continue doing as you are, with as many friends as you have one of those friends might well turn into something more and your first experience is likely going to be far better than your buddies that got a girl into bed much earlier.

You're not going to like this - but 21 is nothing. It's a lot compared to 16 but when you're 30 you'll agree that 21 was still extremely young. Then when you get to 40, 30 is still young - and it goes on and on. Live in the moment man, don't rush it away by thinking too far into the future as it passes faster and faster.
 
ardour said:
MentatsGhoul said:
I'm just completely at a loss. 

Nothing works. I've lowered my expectations. I'd settle for just a few dates, a one night stand even. Just going to clubs and parties and such- doesn't work. I've tried building my friendship network, I've got more friends than I know what to do with now. Still no prospect of a relationship.

A short time ago you were complaining about not having any friends, being unable to fit in anywhere, a situation that seems to be rectified now. Maybe you could be thankful for that for the time being?

And why are you assuming I'm not thankful for that? Of course I am. I would likely be dead now if I wasn't lucky enough to meet the people I know now. That doesn't mean every other thing I want in my life disappears from my mind. Also, the whole purpose of this forum is somewhat to vent on loneliness and express your thoughts on the subject, doesn't mean it's all I think about or that I'm always like that,
 
Xpendable said:
Some guys fall between the cracks. No explanation, no logic. Just hope your luck changes.

As one of these guys falling through the cracks I can say that there is almost always an explanation.

I'm a good looking guy, I exercise 4-times a week and I'm working towards a degree (better late than never) in finance so it is fair to say that I have something between my ears. However, I am socially awkward. I don't get out enough and when I do I struggle to build connections with people. The result is I am 30 and have never been in a serious relationship. I can't blame anything or anyone else for my loneliness because I know where it stems from.

@ OP - You are still young, time is definitely on your side. I'm not going to tell you that there is 'a lid for every pot' and your soulmate (if you believe in such things) is out there because that sure isn't working out for me, but you have time.
 
TheStaggy said:
Xpendable said:
Some guys fall between the cracks. No explanation, no logic. Just hope your luck changes.

As one of these guys falling through the cracks I can say that there is almost always an explanation.

I'm a good looking guy, I exercise 4-times a week and I'm working towards a degree (better late than never) in finance so it is fair to say that I have something between my ears. However, I am socially awkward. I don't get out enough and when I do I struggle to build connections with people. The result is I am 30 and have never been in a serious relationship. I can't blame anything or anyone else for my loneliness because I know where it stems from.

@ OP - You are still young, time is definitely on your side. I'm not going to tell you that there is 'a lid for every pot' and your soulmate (if you believe in such things) is out there because that sure isn't working out for me, but you have time.

I think is appropiate to say that's there's no "fair" explanation. As my point is that probably you consider you awkwardness being the root of the problem, but I state that you assume no man has ever formed connections while failing socially. I could tell you about the most cringy, awkward, socially inept and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them and try to explain that as something that can't be blamed at anything else than yourself. Falling between the cracks means when you see you fit some criteria or are well adjusted enough according to what is required, but somehow your persona is not wanted by anyone even if you seem to have less flaws than others. The fact you can't move inside society the same way others do doesn't mean there's something objectively wrong with you or that others are better, it means you are not lucky enough to be that average person. I know this because I've evolved from a very shy child to a friendly and even popular individual. I've killed my former self a couple of times and I've improved a lot socially to the point I can be indistinguishable from the average Joe. But even with that improvement my chances stayed the same and even decreased with time. Now pushing 30 I realise I'm not suited to be granted romantic intimacy or interest from the opposite sex. There must be an explanation, as you say, but you have to admit that sometimes is not your fault; sometimes the explanation is not nice.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Ya know, I'm really getting sick to ******* death of people acting like autistic people are lesser than "normal" people.  Get the fresia over yourself.

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Any reasonable and not purposedly toxic individual would understand that I was adressing the point of the quote I was refering to. I'm not saying that autistic people are lesser, just expressing that those people have a hard time relating socially and using it as an example to illustrate my post. So better you get the fresia over yourself and stop making stupid assumptions about people you disagree with to form this disgusting straw-man argument. Don't you think I don't know you do this on purpose to me and other forum members and frankly, is getting old. Grow up.
 
Oh, that's bullshit and you know it.

"and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them" This right ******* here is making them out to be lesser because they have issues.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Oh, that's bullshit and you know it.

"and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them"  This right ******* here is making them out to be lesser because they have issues.

That is according to what society thinks. I don't try to make an explanation about what attracts people and I don't care if people with social disabilities have someone or not. You have to admit this mantra has been repeated so much that we asociate this with what people have to offer. But you can't deny that men and women don't want to date, generally, with people with severe social disabilities. And also that this people sometimes are not very nice themselves, regardless of their condition. You can assume all you want in your raging mind but you will be wrong anyway.
 
Xpendable said:
TheRealCallie said:
Oh, that's bullshit and you know it.

"and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them"  This right ******* here is making them out to be lesser because they have issues.

That is according to what society thinks. I don't try to make an explanation about what attracts people and I don't care if people with social disabilities have someone or not. You have to admit this mantra has been repeated so much that we asociate this with what people have to offer. But you can't deny that men and women don't want to date, generally, with people with severe social disabilities. And also that this people sometimes are not very nice themselves, regardless of their condition. You can assume all you want in your raging mind but you will be wrong anyway.

I can deny whatever the fresia I want.  Men and women date who THEY want to date, not who everyone else tells them to date.  But that's fine, keep digging your hole deeper.


You had NO reason to bring autism into this conversation. No one mentioned it. YOU brought it in to "compare" normal people to people with issues....
 

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