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I seriously don't know what to do anymore.
#21
(01-11-2017, 01:01 AM)Xpendable Wrote: I could tell you about the most cringy, awkward, socially inept and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them and try to explain that as something that can't be blamed at anything else than yourself. Falling between the cracks means when you see you fit some criteria or are well adjusted enough according to what is required, but somehow your persona is not wanted by anyone even if you seem to have less flaws than others.

Awkwardness, not being able to read people, or not quite being good enough socially is still the most likely explanation.
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#22
(01-11-2017, 12:08 PM)ardour Wrote:
(01-11-2017, 01:01 AM)Xpendable Wrote: I could tell you about the most cringy, awkward, socially inept and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them and try to explain that as something that can't be blamed at anything else than yourself. Falling between the cracks means when you see you fit some criteria or are well adjusted enough according to what is required, but somehow your persona is not wanted by anyone even if you seem to have less flaws than others.

Awkwardness, not being able to read people,  or not quite being good enough socially is still the most likely explanation.

Not Always.
Loneliness of spirit is discovered in our depths.
Sometimes, when we least expect it, loneliness freezes us.
Or perhaps it feels like the bottom dropping out of our being.
We feel incomplete, as if something important is missing.
We feel shaky and insecure inside, weak and 'clingy'.
Sometimes this gnawing deficiency makes us want to 'devour' others
—to get as much of them as possible,
to complete our egos by possessing them.
Or we might seek to be supported and protected by others.
Reply
#23
(01-12-2017, 01:12 AM)Xpendable Wrote:
(01-11-2017, 12:08 PM)ardour Wrote:
(01-11-2017, 01:01 AM)Xpendable Wrote: I could tell you about the most cringy, awkward, socially inept and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them and try to explain that as something that can't be blamed at anything else than yourself. Falling between the cracks means when you see you fit some criteria or are well adjusted enough according to what is required, but somehow your persona is not wanted by anyone even if you seem to have less flaws than others.

Awkwardness, not being able to read people,  or not quite being good enough socially is still the most likely explanation.

Not Always.

And how many of those "less flawed" people are going around blaming others for their problems instead of owning up to the fact that maybe...JUST MAYBE....it might be entirely on them?
DISCLAIMER:
The views I express are my own opinion. More often than not, if I say "you," it is generalized and not to a person specifically.

My advice is based on my own experiences and those of my friends and family. I may not have a degree saying I read a bunch of books/passed tests, but I have been through a lot and helped others through a lot. Experience is often a better qualification than having read books/passed tests.

I speak in a blunt manner. I mean no disrespect and I'm not being rude. This is just the way I am, please do not take offense.

Take what you like and leave the rest.


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#24
(01-12-2017, 01:48 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote:
(01-12-2017, 01:12 AM)Xpendable Wrote:
(01-11-2017, 12:08 PM)ardour Wrote:
(01-11-2017, 01:01 AM)Xpendable Wrote: I could tell you about the most cringy, awkward, socially inept and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them and try to explain that as something that can't be blamed at anything else than yourself. Falling between the cracks means when you see you fit some criteria or are well adjusted enough according to what is required, but somehow your persona is not wanted by anyone even if you seem to have less flaws than others.

Awkwardness, not being able to read people,  or not quite being good enough socially is still the most likely explanation.

Not Always.

And how many of those "less flawed" people are going around blaming others for their problems instead of owning up to the fact that maybe...JUST MAYBE....it might be entirely on them?

None.
Loneliness of spirit is discovered in our depths.
Sometimes, when we least expect it, loneliness freezes us.
Or perhaps it feels like the bottom dropping out of our being.
We feel incomplete, as if something important is missing.
We feel shaky and insecure inside, weak and 'clingy'.
Sometimes this gnawing deficiency makes us want to 'devour' others
—to get as much of them as possible,
to complete our egos by possessing them.
Or we might seek to be supported and protected by others.
Reply
#25
lol, yeah, you keep thinking that....
DISCLAIMER:
The views I express are my own opinion. More often than not, if I say "you," it is generalized and not to a person specifically.

My advice is based on my own experiences and those of my friends and family. I may not have a degree saying I read a bunch of books/passed tests, but I have been through a lot and helped others through a lot. Experience is often a better qualification than having read books/passed tests.

I speak in a blunt manner. I mean no disrespect and I'm not being rude. This is just the way I am, please do not take offense.

Take what you like and leave the rest.


Reply
#26
you don't look for love. Love will find you.
You just need to prepare yourself for it until it comes. I think most people who are desperate only end up with the wrong kind of partner. Something of that kind for that matter. You are still young so much ahead of you. Focus on building your own strong foundation perhaps how you can be rich and popular Smile
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#27
(01-11-2017, 01:01 AM)Xpendable Wrote:
(01-10-2017, 05:14 PM)TheStaggy Wrote:
(01-02-2017, 05:28 AM)Xpendable Wrote: Some guys fall between the cracks. No explanation, no logic. Just hope your luck changes.

As one of these guys falling through the cracks I can say that there is almost always an explanation.

I'm a good looking guy, I exercise 4-times a week and I'm working towards a degree (better late than never) in finance so it is fair to say that I have something between my ears. However, I am socially awkward. I don't get out enough and when I do I struggle to build connections with people. The result is I am 30 and have never been in a serious relationship. I can't blame anything or anyone else for my loneliness because I know where it stems from.

@ OP - You are still young, time is definitely on your side. I'm not going to tell you that there is 'a lid for every pot' and your soulmate (if you believe in such things) is out there because that sure isn't working out for me, but you have time.

I think is appropiate to say that's there's no "fair" explanation. As my point is that probably you consider you awkwardness being the root of the problem, but I state that you assume no man has ever formed connections while failing socially. I could tell you about the most cringy, awkward, socially inept and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them and try to explain that as something that can't be blamed at anything else than yourself. Falling between the cracks means when you see you fit some criteria or are well adjusted enough according to what is required, but somehow your persona is not wanted by anyone even if you seem to have less flaws than others. The fact you can't move inside society the same way others do doesn't mean there's something objectively wrong with you or that others are better, it means you are not lucky enough to be that average person. I know this because I've evolved from a very shy child to a friendly and even popular individual. I've killed my former self a couple of times and I've improved a lot socially to the point I can be indistinguishable from the average Joe. But even with that improvement my chances stayed the same and even decreased with time. Now pushing 30 I realise I'm not suited to be granted romantic intimacy or interest from the opposite sex. There must be an explanation, as you say, but you have to admit that sometimes is not your fault; sometimes the explanation is not nice.

Arguing aside, I actually kind of have to agree with that. It was that way for me in the situation of finding friends.

I was bullied as a kid until I moved to a new place. Made no friends (at least no one worth mentioning and no one I spoke to outside of lunch break). Thought it was because I was shy. Over the years I worked on my shyness, until university when I was able to approach people with more ease. Still made no friends. Thought it was because I was awkward. Started trying a bit more, drinking more, being more loose and open. Still couldn't make any friends, went out a few times with my flatmates at the time, but was always the "third wheel" and it became painfully obvious that no one around me liked me and everyone stops interacting with me. Every time I thought I had the handle on what exactly was "wrong" with me, I fixed it and realised it must be something else.

Then lost the last online friend I had left to rely on completely out of the blue and was actively planning to commit suicide and give up. New flatmates knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to eat dinner with them, and I just thought "why the hell not". Went for it. Week or two later, I'm getting along with everyone, going out weekly, talking to friends hours a day and have a solid "group" of about a dozen or more people I hang out with regularly. Everything changed pretty much over the course of a week. Did I do anything "different" than the last few years? Nah. I honestly wish I could have some explanation, but I don't. I'm not saying I became "popular" by any means, but normal, well-liked even. And I don't know why.

I'm a strong believer in taking personal responsbility for your life, but, as brutal as it sounds, you have a point there. There's always a guy less funny than you, or more awkward, or more shy, or worse-looking (and sometimes all of the above at once) who's somehow "made it". It might seem rare at times, but it's true. Just how things are.
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#28
(01-12-2017, 07:49 AM)MentatsGhoul Wrote:
(01-11-2017, 01:01 AM)Xpendable Wrote:
(01-10-2017, 05:14 PM)TheStaggy Wrote:
(01-02-2017, 05:28 AM)Xpendable Wrote: Some guys fall between the cracks. No explanation, no logic. Just hope your luck changes.

As one of these guys falling through the cracks I can say that there is almost always an explanation.

I'm a good looking guy, I exercise 4-times a week and I'm working towards a degree (better late than never) in finance so it is fair to say that I have something between my ears. However, I am socially awkward. I don't get out enough and when I do I struggle to build connections with people. The result is I am 30 and have never been in a serious relationship. I can't blame anything or anyone else for my loneliness because I know where it stems from.

@ OP - You are still young, time is definitely on your side. I'm not going to tell you that there is 'a lid for every pot' and your soulmate (if you believe in such things) is out there because that sure isn't working out for me, but you have time.

I think is appropiate to say that's there's no "fair" explanation. As my point is that probably you consider you awkwardness being the root of the problem, but I state that you assume no man has ever formed connections while failing socially. I could tell you about the most cringy, awkward, socially inept and even borderline autistic guys I've meet that still find someone who loves them and try to explain that as something that can't be blamed at anything else than yourself. Falling between the cracks means when you see you fit some criteria or are well adjusted enough according to what is required, but somehow your persona is not wanted by anyone even if you seem to have less flaws than others. The fact you can't move inside society the same way others do doesn't mean there's something objectively wrong with you or that others are better, it means you are not lucky enough to be that average person. I know this because I've evolved from a very shy child to a friendly and even popular individual. I've killed my former self a couple of times and I've improved a lot socially to the point I can be indistinguishable from the average Joe. But even with that improvement my chances stayed the same and even decreased with time. Now pushing 30 I realise I'm not suited to be granted romantic intimacy or interest from the opposite sex. There must be an explanation, as you say, but you have to admit that sometimes is not your fault; sometimes the explanation is not nice.

Arguing aside, I actually kind of have to agree with that. It was that way for me in the situation of finding friends.

I was bullied as a kid until I moved to a new place. Made no friends (at least no one worth mentioning and no one I spoke to outside of lunch break). Thought it was because I was shy. Over the years I worked on my shyness, until university when I was able to approach people with more ease. Still made no friends. Thought it was because I was awkward. Started trying a bit more, drinking more, being more loose and open. Still couldn't make any friends, went out a few times with my flatmates at the time, but was always the "third wheel" and it became painfully obvious that no one around me liked me and everyone stops interacting with me. Every time I thought I had the handle on what exactly was "wrong" with me, I fixed it and realised it must be something else.

Then lost the last online friend I had left to rely on completely out of the blue and was actively planning to commit suicide and give up. New flatmates knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to eat dinner with them, and I just thought "why the hell not". Went for it. Week or two later, I'm getting along with everyone, going out weekly, talking to friends hours a day and have a solid "group" of about a dozen or more people I hang out with regularly. Everything changed pretty much over the course of a week. Did I do anything "different" than the last few years? Nah. I honestly wish I could have some explanation, but I don't. I'm not saying I became "popular" by any means, but normal, well-liked even. And I don't know why.

I'm a strong believer in taking personal responsbility for your life, but, as brutal as it sounds, you have a point there. There's always a guy less funny than you, or more awkward, or more shy, or worse-looking (and sometimes all of the above at once) who's somehow "made it". It might seem rare at times, but it's true. Just how things are.

MentatsGhoul, I was in a similar situation for many years. Like you, I was bullied (all up until graduation) and at 18 I worked hard to improve my social skills. I often made people laugh and felt people respected me but no one had interest in becoming a friend. After years upon years of trying to make friends, I made one about 6 months ago. A friend that texts me back, that actually shows up when we have a meetup (99% of people I've met are flakes) and is thoughtful and kind. I hope that we will be friends in the future...only time will tell.

I've struggled with dating and just like my friendship situation, I couldn't make sense of my failures because I just didn't understand why I had no success for years despite improving upon my perceived flaws. One day I lucked out. 

All of my life I have blamed and beat myself up for my failures in friendship and love. I thought that everything about me was wrong and often wished that I was an entirely different person. I just didn't know why no one wanted me. However, it was by being me that I was able to find a decent friend and my partner. 

Sometimes I sit back and try to make sense of it but I can't. It sometimes surprises me when my friend texts back (I think at times "Hmm...maybe she'll just disappear") but she's still here. 

I wish I could replicate this and build more friendships. I greatly appreciate her friendship but I do have anxiety in her "ghosting" me (which seems commonplace now especially in my generation). However I did what I always did when making friends...(i.e. be friendly, have conversations, suggest meetups etc.) and this is the one time it worked.

I believe that there are people with whom we all are compatible with for friendship and love and it takes effort on our part (i.e. reaching out) and luck for these right people to come into our lives. Some people are luckier than others but it's important to keep trying.
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#29
(01-12-2017, 07:02 AM)lonelycrying1 Wrote: you don't look for love. Love will find you.
You just need to prepare yourself for it until it comes.  I think most people who are desperate only end up with the wrong kind of partner. Something of that kind for that matter. You are still young so much ahead of you. Focus on building your own strong foundation perhaps how you can be rich and popular Smile

^^ LIke I've told another member here, that sentence that I've boldfaced for you is a pile of steaming manure.

Love does NOT find you.

Unfortunately, in my case, I have to aggressively find love, aggressively and being pro-active in finding a lover. My mom helped me out, but I have to take the reign now.

Hence, I have asked people at church if they know of a single female. I have also been doing online dating with couple of websites (cost me a crapload of money though!) with a minimal amount of success.

But all in all, I am turning 36 in two weeks. I still have not found a nice girlfriend, so no, I disagree and will repeat that love will NOT find you!
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