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32 year old virgin
#1
Warning walls of text, might be totally nonsense to all, and I do apologize in advance for anyone who reads my pathetic life story, but thank you if you do.

Hello everyone, just thought its time for me to reach out to someone or at least write my thoughts down, cause I have never talked to anyone about my problems, Reason why I have never confided in anyone ill explain in a bit here.

I been depressed and suicidal for many years, if I where to put a number on it I say 20 years or so (I Donno maybe im not even depressed im no doctor and haven't talked to anyone so who knows), like I mentioned I haven't gotten any professional help or, confided in anyone ever so this is my first attempt to reach out.

Growing up I always where different, probably sounds cliche to hear to most of you by know, anyhow I knew how to talk to people it just felt odd like I didn't belong. I did learned quickly though but only if i was interested in what i was learning, but most of the time I felt bored and had a hard time to concentrate, instead of doing homework I spend my time on art, drawing and creating things, always interested how mechanical things worked so I spent a lot of time opening my toys rebuilding them and such, but never any time on my homework.

I spent a lot of my time with games, I remember the day when we got our nes, was the happiest day of my life or as far as I can remember, believe I was around 3 years old when we got it, my mom and dad didn't have much money so it was a big thing for us, anyhow I spent most my days at home tinkering with things and playing video games growing up.
Think I started to become unhappy when we moved away for one year, my father has always been quiet never really interacting with us growing up, sure he played with us and such im not saying anything bad, hes the best father In the world, he just didn't talk much but he was still always there, he was abused growing up, wont go into detail on that though, my mother was also abused both of em and I mean really its horrible the abuse they both suffered, like I said not going to go into detail on that, but it left them scarred, my mom was mentally ill at this time she was eating medicine, I remember one time asking my mom why she was eating those pills, she said it was to help her smile.
 
Guess my point is during this time in my life I felt alone, always alone and i feelt something was wrong, but don't get me wrong, never mattered how much my mom and dad had worked and how tired they where, they always had time to listen to me, I didn't say much though mostly to show them stuff I had made, but still they always had time for us, even though they where both cooping with their problems, it was this time that i started to gain weight was around 8 years old i think when we moved back home again, I kept gaining weight over the years lost some of it, but was never really thin during my teens was not really super fat either, so didn't get much attention from the opposite sex, I kept mostly to myself didn't do my homework, just played games, created things, and went fishing.

In my teens I started to read people more being introverted and judgeing I noticed how much everyone lie and how fake people can be, I got tired of it and distanced myself even more, and since we live in a tiny village, around maybe 15 villages in total and most of em where old, no people my age I didn't have many friends, or no real friends in my teens,  so it didn't help me to become more social, all I ever wanted to do was to be at home, I never wanted to go anywhere, it was my safe zone.

And now moving on the the pathetic part of my life, I was around 20 years of age here it was around this time I dropped out of school, I lived like this until this day, kept doing my things, helped out with the home, cause I was still living with my parents at this point, doing chores, selling things I made on ebay, after this is when it kinda got worse and worse over the years until now. So here comes the pathetic part of my life, I am as of now 32 years old, I have never had a girlfriend, not even dated anyone , never been kissed, never had sex, never had a real job ( only gotten money from things I crafted and sold on ebay, to help with bills, and buy my family birthday presents and Christmas presents), also still do not have a driver license, and on top of this, im still living out in the woods with my mom and dad.

So why would I be depressed, im pretty sure a lot of people here got a real reason to be depressed compared to me, but knowing what my mom and dad went through makes it worse, I feel so bad being depressed and wanting to end my life, cause I got no reason, it just makes me get more depressed, cause what reason do I have to be depressed In my opinion I had the best childhood ever, the two kindest parents ever, who cared for me and my siblings to a such extent that they didn't have time to take care of themselves.

Im not taking my own life, I had planned it out in my head many times, but it always comes back to how I know it will hurt my family, I love my family more then anything, and I don't want to cause them harm, I know how much it would hurt them if I took my own life, so I decided to live even though I hate living.
As much As I love my family, I don't love myself, I hate myself in fact and the failure I am, only reason im alive is cause of my family, so I wake up each morning do the things I need to do, then repeat.

I know some of you might have spent time playing fallout 4, you start your game and you start off with a family walking around doing family things checking your baby in its crib and talking to your wife, over the years I been depressed cause I never had my own family I always wanted my own kids and someone next to me in bed at night, so playing this game reminded me of this and it made me more depressed then ever, reason being I feel its too late for me, No ONE! would want me is what I feel, cause I feel worthless.

Overweight, around 120kg, and I don't consider myself handsome, nor do i consider myself intelligent,  I watched too much porn so having a normal relationship with any woman just seems impossible, never have been with a woman just makes things even more awkward since im 32 years old who the fuck would want a pathetic piece of shit like me, fuck man, its embarrassing talking about, sorry for the foul language, Like  I said I don't like myself, don't think im a good person at all, another reason I just want to end it, but fear not, not going to like I said, Its not what this post is about, Its about reaching out, I got no one to talk to out here in the woods, and im not kidding nearest town is 100km away.  I suffer from panic attacks and I hate doctors, afraid of hospitals and needles, or I hate people in general, not all people though, I just don't have any options to talk to anyone, I cant say anything to my family cause they are so fragile all of em, and I don't want to worry them, specially my mom, if she knows any of us are unhappy then she cant be happy her self, so I put on this fake smile every day, my family think im happy and its how it will be until I die.

Ok I have rambled on enough, thinking back on how many excuses I brought up just sickens me on how much of a lazy piece of worthless shit I am and how much its up to me to do something with my pathetic excuse for a life.

If your read this whole thing Im sorry, didn't want to waste anyone time, I probably left a lot out, and didn't formulate my sentences all too well, but im not a native English speaking fellow im from Scandinavia

Thank you.
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#2
Hey there. 
I hope you feel a little better after writing down your thoughts/sharing them.

You sound like you have plenty to offer a woman, although it does sound extremely difficult to find one in your current situation. I don't know what advice I can offer for that and I do apologise.

You seem a very loving and caring man. Who's family oriented and those are traits very desirable to the right type of women. Your grasp of the English language is also impressive and i thought you structured your post better than some native English speakers.

Sorry to hear what you have and are currently experiencing.

I hope this post helps in some way or another
Apologies for the lack of advice
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#3
You are not lazy and worthless!  And I think that you've given this forum a priceless gift in sharing your story.

Living in the woods somewhere in Scandinavia, socially isolated from the larger world except it seems for an internet connection and some small villages....and you're not happy at all.  OK,  think about this:  You're never going to be this young again so if you're dissatisfied with your life now, it's probably not going to be any better in the future unless you make some changes.

I can't really imagine what it's like in the Scandinavian woods, but I'm guessing that managing to find a paying job and a place of your own to live would be a set of big steps in the right direction.  And I'm guessing those two things are way difficult to make happen with all kinds of problems.

I hope you keep posting on this forum and share what's going on with you.
Be here now.
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#4
Thank you both for your encouraging and kind words, sorry for the late reply, been a rough couple of weeks here, but I think im doing better now, ill keep you all updated.
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#5
(01-21-2017, 10:30 PM)RainbowShell Wrote: Thank you both for your encouraging and kind words, sorry for the late reply, been a rough couple of weeks here, but I think im doing better now, ill keep you all updated.

Hey Rainbow. Good to hear from you again, glad you're feeling better. If like me, you bottle it all up, we all have those days where it all feels abit too much.

Keep us updated! And take it easy
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