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ditakelly

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Hi. I've often browsed the Lonely Life Forums as a guest and always identified with all the posts. Reading the discussions have provided solace when I feel I don't fit into this world.

 I'm 35, single, living in London and although I have had my fair share of relationships and dates, I have always found it to be painfully distressing due to social anxiety. The times when I have formed long term relationships, my depression and negative view of the world has destroyed them. Also found myself with abusive men who just used me, probably due to the fact that I was desperately lonely and preditary men look for that in a woman. Now I have given up on love and am trying to build a life for myself on my own. 

As an extremely introverted person I prefer to be on my own and shun the world and yet I get crippling loneliness, but this has now turned to bitterness and anger. I get angry that other women got husbands and children. Its very hard to relate to other women I meet in life, because they mostly talk about their partners and children, when I would much rather be discussing a book, film, comedian or Netfilx show. I feel very 'less than' other women and this low self esteem has started to show in my posture and way I am in the world. Now I just want to stay indoors and never leave the house. I have housing issues, but that is a complicated story and will sort itself out in the long run. I have been to many 12 step fellowships over the last decade, know that world inside out and to be honest (although I'm sober and did learn stuff about myself) truly I am no better off for having gone there, I regret the time I wasted sat in cold church halls. 

I am trying to do positive stuff, I am getting fit, doing weight training, HIIT cardio, yoga and Pilates. Eating well, monitoring my nutrition daily. Going to the steam/ sauna getting rid of toxins, taking Ballet, Jazz and tap classes. I'm also studying stand up comedy (maybe its a world where I can be cynical on stage and its actually a good thing, also I'm not shy getting up on stage, feel more comfortable and safe on stage than in the real world). 

Maybe will go back to work in the future... I have the qualifications and capacity to earn a decent living, but every time I go back to work, within 3 months I have a depressive episode (mostly due to the feeling of not fitting in, feeling so low around all those 'normal' people, getting crushes on guys at work which is just a disaster and so painful I end up leaving), its frustrating cos I'm really good at the job and its such a waste of my education.

Anyway, that's me, don't know if anyone will read, but its felt really good to write all this down and I hope to join in with conversations with you all.
 
Hello ditakelly en welcome to the forums, whatever reallife is like i'm sure that here you'll fit right in.

Hope you'll find what you're looking for, see you around!
 
Hi ditakelly, don't worry I read all that lol. It's good that you are giving efforts to make your life better. Also, nice to see one of the frequent guests converting to a member of this forum.
 
Welcome! ^_^ Comedians sounds like a good thing to discuss, I approve.
 

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