A few things have happened over the last few years that have woken me up from the denial and self-delusion I was living in. In 2012 I was in my early 30s and still living with my mum at home. I had no friends or girlfriends, very little evidence I was living the life of an adult.
1. I had a massive fight at home. I was kicked out and I had to stay at my nan's and sleep on the couch.
2. My brother and his girlfriend had a baby. My brother is 9 years younger than me.
3. I turned 35.
I woke up. My depression, anxiety, jealousy, resentment, regret and anger took over. You're a loser, a failure, unloveable, unlikeable. You've wasted your life. This is it, you'll die with nothing.
I never had many friends or girlfriends. I was always jealous of everyone. At one point in your life, at some point in your teens, you need to be 'one of the guys' to have a girlfriend, you need a girlfriend to be 'one of the guys'. I'm jealous of all of them.
I started to see escorts to get some of the poison out of my system. Some, not all, not much at all, but it's a start. Work on my confidence. It's not illegal but it's taboo. I can move on. Get some hobbies, start meeting people, going out, sort my life out. I needed to get out of that cycle. I went through it in my head. The only way out.
1. I had a massive fight at home. I was kicked out and I had to stay at my nan's and sleep on the couch.
2. My brother and his girlfriend had a baby. My brother is 9 years younger than me.
3. I turned 35.
I woke up. My depression, anxiety, jealousy, resentment, regret and anger took over. You're a loser, a failure, unloveable, unlikeable. You've wasted your life. This is it, you'll die with nothing.
I never had many friends or girlfriends. I was always jealous of everyone. At one point in your life, at some point in your teens, you need to be 'one of the guys' to have a girlfriend, you need a girlfriend to be 'one of the guys'. I'm jealous of all of them.
I started to see escorts to get some of the poison out of my system. Some, not all, not much at all, but it's a start. Work on my confidence. It's not illegal but it's taboo. I can move on. Get some hobbies, start meeting people, going out, sort my life out. I needed to get out of that cycle. I went through it in my head. The only way out.