Being led on

Bare with me here as this is something I haven't actually shared with anyone and is deeply embarrassing for me but I need it off my chest I guess so here goes.

Almost 4 years ago I was led on by a girl that I worked with. When I first saw her I thought wow, but I kept my distance as she had a boyfriend and not to mention the attention of every guy in the workplace.  However one day I felt bad for her being stuck on the tills all the time as me and everyone else had a laugh out the back in the warehouse, so I decided to go talk to her. To my suprise the conversation went well and over time her hours increased and we spent most days chatting for hours on end about anything and everything.  

One day she offered me a lift to work and took my number incase she was running late or something, this then started months of texting each other everyday almost all day. She often told me that her boyfriend didn't treat her so well. Over time the messages got more and more flirty. Her boyfriend found out and wasn't happy, I offered to minimise contact but we ended up conversing on the dreaded Snapchat. We became each others top friend on SC. She oftenly messaged me when out drinking with her girl pals. Thesee got steamy sometimes, and my attraction to her kept soaring. I also felt she felt the same way about me. She even said there was just something about me.

Our colleagues would always ask what was going on between us and when we were going to get together which we both laughed off. However eventually they all started to tell me that she was really into me and I should make a move. Some even suggesting she would palm off her boyfriend for me. I took this with a pinch of salt and never acted apon their advice. 

Until one day I did exactly that and asked whether anything was going to happen. She said it couldn't and i ended up being quite hurt by this revelation as I had fallen for her very hard.

We still chatted daily at work and on Snapchat but things were different. Not long after I had to take a few months off work and during our contact fizzled out, although not through lack of me trying. I asked her why she seemed so distant and never got a straight answer. 

However on my return to work it soon became clear she had moved on to the next guy and was having the same sorta thing go on with him. This hurt me massively and hit my confidence hard. It was a pain to watch them flirt during shifts and when one wasn't there I could see they were snapchatting each other, with him replacing me as her top friend on there. This became unbareable and I felt worthless. I removed them both from Facebook as seeing the constant flirty posts and pictures of them both looking close really bothered me. 

I got servely depressed and didn't want to be in the same workplace as them two. However I never opened up to anyone and my bosses took it as me not wanting to be there and started to make my life more difficult. Not long after this I quit my job of 7 years and severed contact with everyone there as noone could see where i was coming from.I felt I had embarrassed myself massively.

It's been 3 years since that now but I still dream of the girl almost nightly. My confidence is at a alltime low and ive not talked to another girl since. Afraid that this scenario may happen again.

Sorry for the wall of text . Thank you to anyway who reads any or all of this

What happened to you is hard to take, you were used by someone you cared about, she might not ever have ment for you to get hurt but that's beside the point because clearly you did...

Sadly there are those that need "exitement" like this in their lives, maybe it's because they enjoy the attention, or because they don't get that attention from their partner. For me it was a girl looking to make her boyfriend jealous, in six weeks she managed to lift me up and give me hope only to pull out the rug beneath my feet at the point I was starting to believe I could have the happiness others around me have.

I managed to move past it eventhough it took some time. In doing so I came to realise I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to be ashamed off, it still hurt like hell because you can't just not love someone overnight but it allowed me to get back to myself and start feeling good again.

I hope you can find it in yourself to accept whats happened and begin to see you are not and have never been at fault so you can move on yourself.

There are some people who need several members of the opposite sex rotating in the sphere of their lives. A back up, if you will. These types of folks to NOT make a good partner. You dodged a bullet.
I know you feel terrible, but try to keep in mind that she will likely always repeat her patterns/behaviors.

Agree with Eve, this is someone who uses men to prop up their self-esteem. The boyfriend was probably an arsehole... the only type of man she could respect enough to actually be with. 'Orbiters' give her the day-to-day attention/adoration that's missing.
 
You're wasting your life thinking about someone who almost certainly hasn't thought about you since.

She's low-quality and not worth losing sleep over.

Believe me, I was with someone who was an attention-seeker and it was an unhealthy, distrustful and terrible relationship. You would not be happy with her in the end.

Thank you for your replies.

I guess i always blamed myself for losing her interest, crediting it to likes of being too boring, not being good looking enough etc etc. This is why I've not tried to initate another relationship with anyone else.

Think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact this girl would of been the wrong one for me and any relationship we would of ended badly and for that I thank those who replied earlier

I believe many of us have been where you stand, putting so much effort into another human being without her even caring how it effects you can be vicious and destructive to one's life.

Sometimes women don't really understand what damage they cause to a man, sorry you had to go through this man, Believe me I know first-hand how humiliating it must be.
Two years ago I met someone who reminded of the only woman I ever loved and she used it for her benefit, I was nothing but a psychiatrist to her, she even got married during that time and kept it away from me for months.

Nowadays, she really regrets for what she had done to me but I will never really forgive her, even if I said that I did.
Every once in a while, she asks how am I and occasionally, I use her to throw away every frustration in life, same as she did to me back then.

She has taught me a valuable lesson though, and I hope you also learnt it, Never be friends with woman to whom you are attracted to.

roy1986 said:

I believe many of us have been where you stand, putting so much effort into another human being without her even caring how it effects you can be vicious and destructive to one's life.

Sometimes women don't really understand what damage they cause to a man, sorry you had to go through this man, Believe me I know first-hand how humiliating it must be.
Two years ago I met someone who reminded of the only woman I ever loved and she used it for her benefit, I was nothing but a psychiatrist to her, she even got married during that time and kept it away from me for months.

Nowadays, she really regrets for what she had done to me but I will never really forgive her, even if I said that I did.
Every once in a while, she asks how am I and occasionally, I use her to throw away every frustration in life, same as she did to me back then.

She has taught me a valuable lesson though, and I hope you also learnt it, Never be friends with woman to whom you are attracted to.

Click to expand...

Hey Roy,

Yeah I agree with you on that, very destructive indeed. 

Sorry to hear youve had a similar experience, that must of been hard on you (especially the marriage part). A positive I suppose that she at least feels remorse for her actions.

And yeah I may of learnt it the hard way but it's a lesson ive certainly learned!

Take care

This is pretty common and there are definitely some women who like to keep a back-up guy or more in the wings. As many of the other posters have said and I agree, they generally make a very poor and quite often narcissistic partner and if you see this kind of personality, it's best not to get involved romantically.

I actually spoke to a number of women who do this kind of thing about this very topic in the past, their view was generally akin to: "he's just my friend, he's very nice and supports me and that's why I like him". On one level, it's not fair or reasonable to just expect any woman to automatically return the affections of a guy that is friendly with them and develops feelings for them, but of these specific women, very few where actually unaware of those feelings from these guys and where quite happy to use such feelings to gain various tangible and intangible benefits, which is the actual crossover point into something exploitative and is the unpalatable part of this kind of personality, in my eyes anyway. But I think it's important to make that distinction in these situations if we look at this with full honesty.

For your part L.T. you developed feelings for a girl who already had a boyfriend, forced a situation where she had to make a choice, got rejected and spent 3 years ignoring more available single women while obsessively mourning a relationship that never actually existed. She clearly lead you on and you were probably one guy in a long line of guys in that position with her. There is nothing good about being used and it says loads about her character. But you gave her shitty behaviour full licence to envelop your life, even to the point you are now, years later. It's time to let this go, let her go in your mind. She doesn't deserve such a life bending position in your future.

Imagine she actually did leave or cheat on her boyfriend for you. A month or two later she starts flirting and spending each day chatting all day with the next guy from work. Do you see yourself being happy in such a relationship? Do you see yourself feeling secure in it? Do you see yourself being able to hold a lot of trust with such a person? Do you think she would be able to if it was you who flirted and talked all day with some other girl from work? Three years is a long time to romanticize someone and create a view of them very far from the reality of who they actually ever were. A long time to let self doubts springing from a rejection to create just as much of an unrealistic view of yourself too.

Put this behind you, don't use it as a justification to stay stalled anymore, I know it hurt and I do understand that pain, but it's time to make your life yours now. There is a lot of great single women out there who do not play these games, go meet a few, see where it goes

Skyless said:

This is pretty common and there are definitely some women who like to keep a back-up guy or more in the wings. As many of the other posters have said and I agree, they generally make a very poor and quite often narcissistic partner and if you see this kind of personality, it's best not to get involved romantically.

I actually spoke to a number of women who do this kind of thing about this very topic in the past, their view was generally akin to: "he's just my friend, he's very nice and supports me and that's why I like him". On one level, it's not fair or reasonable to just expect any woman to automatically return the affections of a guy that is friendly with them and develops feelings for them, but of these specific women, very few where actually unaware of those feelings from these guys and where quite happy to use such feelings to gain various tangible and intangible benefits, which is the actual crossover point into something exploitative and is the unpalatable part of this kind of personality, in my eyes anyway. But I think it's important to make that distinction in these situations if we look at this with full honesty.

For your part L.T. you developed feelings for a girl who already had a boyfriend, forced a situation where she had to make a choice, got rejected and spent 3 years ignoring more available single women while obsessively mourning a relationship that never actually existed. She clearly lead you on and you were probably one guy in a long line of guys in that position with her. There is nothing good about being used and it says loads about her character. But you gave her shitty behaviour full licence to envelop your life, even to the point you are now, years later. It's time to let this go, let her go in your mind. She doesn't deserve such a life bending position in your future.

Imagine she actually did leave or cheat on her boyfriend for you. A month or two later she starts flirting and spending each day chatting all day with the next guy from work. Do you see yourself being happy in such a relationship? Do you see yourself feeling secure in it? Do you see yourself being able to hold a lot of trust with such a person? Do you think she would be able to if it was you who flirted and talked all day with some other girl from work? Three years is a long time to romanticize someone and create a view of them very far from the reality of who they actually ever were. A long time to let self doubts springing from a rejection to create just as much of an unrealistic view of yourself too.

Put this behind you, don't use it as a justification to stay stalled anymore, I know it hurt and I do understand that pain, but it's time to make your life yours now. There is a lot of great single women out there who do not play these games, go meet a few, see where it goes

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Hi Skyless, 

Thank you for your reply.

Im guessing your questions there are rhetorical and I did find they were the very questions I was asking myself before I cut contact. 

Unfortunately I can now see the damage I've caused to my self esteem and way of thinking. Hopefully now I can slowly move on and finally close this chapter of my life, maybe even take baby steps to get myself back in "the game"

Cheers

I'm glad to hear that

There is nothing unfortunate about being able to see the self esteem and thinking pattern pitfalls that come from mistakes. Owning your own errors and faults and taking responsibility for your own honeysuckle gives you a lot of power over them. It frees you to take different paths, which now have a fighting chance to be effective and immunizes you from many repeat performances

So what now? right? Haha You see where and how it went south, but it's not like it comes with a magic "fix" button.

I don't know much about your life but, its usually a good place to start there, set up some goals and productive routines, whether they be professional, activity, social or fitness etc., that help you create a sense of achievement and progress. That in itself will do quite a bit for the self esteem and confidence to start mending. Best of all it's not some transient and temporary "I'm going to talk myself up type pseudo confidence" but based on some real things you really are doing and living

Try not to overdevelop this game approach mentality, it will just create an antagonistic approach to relationships for you which will just become demotivating (chore-ville territory)
Baby steps are good, if you are going to dip your toe back in the relationship water then maybe don't start by heading straight out into high rejection approaching, but just talk and meet various women with no romantic intent. Through work, social functions, friends, clubs, activities, events etc. just focus on normal friendly interactions to get to know the various personalities and cornucopia of outlooks that women have and make some friends and acquaintances Hopefully after that it will give you a different insight and approach which will armour you a bit to help deal with rejection better than in the past, for when you do start initiating romantic interactions again.

Best of lucks L.T. - You got this

Skyless said:

I'm glad to hear that

There is nothing unfortunate about being able to see the self esteem and thinking pattern pitfalls that come from mistakes. Owning your own errors and faults and taking responsibility for your own honeysuckle gives you a lot of power over them. It frees you to take different paths, which now have a fighting chance to be effective and immunizes you from many repeat performances

So what now? right? Haha You see where and how it went south, but it's not like it comes with a magic "fix" button.

I don't know much about your life but, its usually a good place to start there, set up some goals and productive routines, whether they be professional, activity, social or fitness etc., that help you create a sense of achievement and progress. That in itself will do quite a bit for the self esteem and confidence to start mending. Best of all it's not some transient and temporary "I'm going to talk myself up type pseudo confidence" but based on some real things you really are doing and living

Try not to overdevelop this game approach mentality, it will just create an antagonistic approach to relationships for you which will just become demotivating (chore-ville territory)
Baby steps are good, if you are going to dip your toe back in the relationship water then maybe don't start by heading straight out into high rejection approaching, but just talk and meet various women with no romantic intent. Through work, social functions, friends, clubs, activities, events etc. just focus on normal friendly interactions to get to know the various personalities and cornucopia of outlooks that women have and make some friends and acquaintances Hopefully after that it will give you a different insight and approach which will armour you a bit to help deal with rejection better than in the past, for when you do start initiating romantic interactions again.

Best of lucks L.T. - You got this

Click to expand...

Wow thanks, possibly some of the best if not thee best advice I've ever recieved, you dont happen to do this sort of thing as a profession by any chance?   

I already had a few routines in place ive been working on recently and will continue to focus on these. I was never one to be able to fool my mind with the talking yourself up type confidence you touched upon earlier. I will however need to try incorporate some more social routines I believe.

It's that last paragraph that will be the biggest help to me. Prior to reading I may of gone back out there and made the same mistakes over.

Thank you ever so much for your time, help and even support.  :shy:

That's happened to alot of us, including myself.  They don't call it "the game" for nothing.  Three years though, I'm a bit concerned about that part...... you really weren't in a relationship, yep you were led to believe there could be more, then let down.  Somehow, you have to move on, and it is going to take an act of will.  Don't get all discouraged about your confidence being low, that can be built using baby steps, but you have an order of operations here to start following. Top priority, get over this girl.  Use a visualization exercise of a huge eraser, and erase the thoughts as they enter your mind. Do this every **** time you think about her, and purposely think of something else.  Next, play around with online dating..... tweek your profile, we can all help you here with that if you'd like. And go out on some dates, gain some life learning, experience.

Things are not as bad as they seem.

Losertron said:

roy1986 said:

I believe many of us have been where you stand, putting so much effort into another human being without her even caring how it effects you can be vicious and destructive to one's life.

Sometimes women don't really understand what damage they cause to a man, sorry you had to go through this man, Believe me I know first-hand how humiliating it must be.
Two years ago I met someone who reminded of the only woman I ever loved and she used it for her benefit, I was nothing but a psychiatrist to her, she even got married during that time and kept it away from me for months.

Nowadays, she really regrets for what she had done to me but I will never really forgive her, even if I said that I did.
Every once in a while, she asks how am I and occasionally, I use her to throw away every frustration in life, same as she did to me back then.

She has taught me a valuable lesson though, and I hope you also learnt it, Never be friends with woman to whom you are attracted to.

Click to expand...

Hey Roy,

Yeah I agree with you on that, very destructive indeed. 

Sorry to hear youve had a similar experience, that must of been hard on you (especially the marriage part). A positive I suppose that she at least feels remorse for her actions.

And yeah I may of learnt it the hard way but it's a lesson ive certainly learned!

Take care

Click to expand...

Well I will not lie to you, There are times when I think about it and get really upset.
Yeah she feels really sorry for what happened, but honestly, as much as I try to forgive her, I simply cannot because my intentions were clear
and I even stated them several times.

In your case, it's way behind you, as you don't work there anymore, so it is most definitely the time 
to try meet other people, because you deserve some peace.

morrowrd said:

That's happened to alot of us, including myself.  They don't call it "the game" for nothing.  Three years though, I'm a bit concerned about that part...... you really weren't in a relationship, yep you were led to believe there could be more, then let down.  Somehow, you have to move on, and it is going to take an act of will.  Don't get all discouraged about your confidence being low, that can be built using baby steps, but you have an order of operations here to start following. Top priority, get over this girl.  Use a visualization exercise of a huge eraser, and erase the thoughts as they enter your mind. Do this every **** time you think about her, and purposely think of something else.  Next, play around with online dating..... tweek your profile, we can all help you here with that if you'd like. And go out on some dates, gain some life learning, experience.

Things are not as bad as they seem.

Click to expand...

Hey Morrow,

Sorry to hear youve had a similar experience, seems it's quite a common occurence. Scary to know there is that many likeminded girls out there, but comforting to know I'm not alone out there at the same time.

Haha the huge eraser made me chuckle, but I can see myself using that technique. Thanks for the idea. 

It's a shame I didn't stumble upon this forum earlier as keeping it bottled up for 3year's probably wasn't the best tactic on my behalf. 

Im apprehensive on online dating atm, but i do see it being my best way to put the feelers out again. If and when I get, it's nice to know i'll have some help from the community here. Thank you !

---

roy1986 said:

Losertron said:

roy1986 said:

I believe many of us have been where you stand, putting so much effort into another human being without her even caring how it effects you can be vicious and destructive to one's life.

Sometimes women don't really understand what damage they cause to a man, sorry you had to go through this man, Believe me I know first-hand how humiliating it must be.
Two years ago I met someone who reminded of the only woman I ever loved and she used it for her benefit, I was nothing but a psychiatrist to her, she even got married during that time and kept it away from me for months.

Nowadays, she really regrets for what she had done to me but I will never really forgive her, even if I said that I did.
Every once in a while, she asks how am I and occasionally, I use her to throw away every frustration in life, same as she did to me back then.

She has taught me a valuable lesson though, and I hope you also learnt it, Never be friends with woman to whom you are attracted to.

Click to expand...

Hey Roy,

Yeah I agree with you on that, very destructive indeed. 

Sorry to hear youve had a similar experience, that must of been hard on you (especially the marriage part). A positive I suppose that she at least feels remorse for her actions.

And yeah I may of learnt it the hard way but it's a lesson ive certainly learned!

Take care

Click to expand...

Well I will not lie to you, There are times when I think about it and get really upset.
Yeah she feels really sorry for what happened, but honestly, as much as I try to forgive her, I simply cannot because my intentions were clear
and I even stated them several times.

In your case,  it's way behind you, as you don't work there anymore, so it is most definitely the time 
to try meet other people, because you deserve some peace.

Click to expand...

Well your a stronger man than me Roy. Not sure how I would of handled that. I don't see anything wrong with not being able to forgive, I don't see myself forgiving anytime in the near future.

Yeah I've tried to put it past me the best I can. Just strange how often she appears in my dreams, but that may just be the case that she was the last girl I was emotionally involved with so maybe she's the default female my brain conjures.

Thanks for your reply

Losertron said:

Skyless said:

I'm glad to hear that

There is nothing unfortunate about being able to see the self esteem and thinking pattern pitfalls that come from mistakes. Owning your own errors and faults and taking responsibility for your own honeysuckle gives you a lot of power over them. It frees you to take different paths, which now have a fighting chance to be effective and immunizes you from many repeat performances

So what now? right? Haha You see where and how it went south, but it's not like it comes with a magic "fix" button.

I don't know much about your life but, its usually a good place to start there, set up some goals and productive routines, whether they be professional, activity, social or fitness etc., that help you create a sense of achievement and progress. That in itself will do quite a bit for the self esteem and confidence to start mending. Best of all it's not some transient and temporary "I'm going to talk myself up type pseudo confidence" but based on some real things you really are doing and living

Try not to overdevelop this game approach mentality, it will just create an antagonistic approach to relationships for you which will just become demotivating (chore-ville territory)
Baby steps are good, if you are going to dip your toe back in the relationship water then maybe don't start by heading straight out into high rejection approaching, but just talk and meet various women with no romantic intent. Through work, social functions, friends, clubs, activities, events etc. just focus on normal friendly interactions to get to know the various personalities and cornucopia of outlooks that women have and make some friends and acquaintances Hopefully after that it will give you a different insight and approach which will armour you a bit to help deal with rejection better than in the past, for when you do start initiating romantic interactions again.

Best of lucks L.T. - You got this

Click to expand...

Wow thanks, possibly some of the best if not thee best advice I've ever recieved, you dont happen to do this sort of thing as a profession by any chance?   

I already had a few routines in place ive been working on recently and will continue to focus on these. I was never one to be able to fool my mind with the talking yourself up type confidence you touched upon earlier. I will however need to try incorporate some more social routines I believe.

It's that last paragraph that will be the biggest help to me. Prior to reading I may of gone back out there and made the same mistakes over.

Thank you ever so much for your time, help and even support.  :shy:

Click to expand...

Hehe, nah, but it's the same kind of advice I used to give to my brother and I thought I would share it with you as well. I saw it help him a lot and it's things I know from my life and my friends lives that I have seen in action time and again.

Well, if you don't have a big social circle now to branch out from to meet new people, give meetup.com a shot. It's not a dating site, you can join various social gatherings, clubs, hobby meet-ups, travel clubs etc. and even has some singles meet-ups too for when you feel you are ready as an alternative to dating sites, which have their pitfalls but don't be afraid to experiment with them either at some point. 

But if you are just working on being social again and hopefully demystifying women a bit for yourself, definitely go be around more people of all kinds. You really will have quite a different mindset and approach to dating and women in general after you get comfortable just meeting and interacting with all kinds of people, not to mention doing something fun in the process

It's my pleasure, go get em tiger!