Hello Everyone,
This is in part a continuation of my introduction to this forum; Here
I'll start off by telling you a bit more about which aspects of my life led me here.
In my childhood days I never really thought much about things, didn't do much in the form of reasoning. (aside from selfish reasoning; how to get candy, etc.)
At most I could say I made some important observations which, with my current ability to reason has helped me gain insight in certain aspects of life.
I was also quite the opposite of what I am now, I consider my younger self somewhat of a sadist.
I did some bad things and created some bad thoughts/opinions.
Upon entering highschool I had made a change to myself which led me to experience both sides of this thing we call "bullying".
One of the more noteworthy experiences I had while in highschool was one that involved a sort of "relapse" into my old self.
At the time I enjoyed playing a card game called "Magic".
While playing this on lunch break one of my usual bullies came by and began to start the usual routine of intimidation.
I was getting quite frustrated and pent up at this point as it had been going on for quite some time.
It was at this point that he decided to sit on top of the table on our cards while continuing his abusive behavior.
A switch went off at that point and I attacked him and ended up nearly choking him to death.
Nobody, including myself would have stopped me had the teachers not rushed to the scene.
This event had me slightly depressed and home for about a week or two.
I genuinely didn't like my old self at that point so seeing myself so uncontrollably enraged in hindsight got to me.
When I was around 19 years old I had my first experience with a situation that created an obvious depression in my life.
Simply put, I had my heart broken.
I felt sorry for myself for over 6 months and took me another 6 in order to somewhat get over it.
In this time however I made certain observations and created my own will and motivation which led me to my current life goal.
"I am not the only one who is suffering right now"
"My current suffering is possibly nothing compared to what others have experienced"
I wanted to know why human beings (including myself) apparently couldn't find lasting happiness in life.
This is where it started and it has been about 10 years so far.
I've made a lot of new observations and have spent most of my waking hours either contemplating everything I've observed, creating new observations or finding a distraction to keep myself sane.
One of the many issues I've found over the years is the complacency of human beings around me.
Simply put; Nobody seems to care about the state of our world. (or themselves in a lot of cases)
This observation has had a large impact on my social life.
In the beginning, it merely meant that I would become a "quiet person". I would mostly just stand there while "my friends" talked away.
Whenever I did end up speaking it usually meant becoming the "buzzkill".
I simply couldn't help myself, such important things were overlooked. Such important subjects completely neglected.
All because "we" just wanted to have fun and talk about things that interested us. It didn't feel right to me.
After some time of this I ended up simply feeling uncomfortable whenever I was around people.
All that was left to me was to just put on a mask and pretend while continuously working my mind to exhaustion.
I tried to genuinely reach out to some of the individuals around me that seemed to hold potential (as well as on the internet).
However this has never been successful.
I do still interact with some people around me, however this is something that doesn't happen very often and is rarely anything genuine.
I am currently looking for three possibilities;
One is a solution to my own loneliness.
Two is an ally who understands the need for change.
And three, the most unlikely, is someone who falls under both the first and second possibility.
There is still a lot more to be said, however I feel that this would be better suited for the eventual communication between us.
If there is anything in specific you wish to know, feel free to ask either here or through private message.
~Vorcan~
This is in part a continuation of my introduction to this forum; Here
I'll start off by telling you a bit more about which aspects of my life led me here.
In my childhood days I never really thought much about things, didn't do much in the form of reasoning. (aside from selfish reasoning; how to get candy, etc.)
At most I could say I made some important observations which, with my current ability to reason has helped me gain insight in certain aspects of life.
I was also quite the opposite of what I am now, I consider my younger self somewhat of a sadist.
I did some bad things and created some bad thoughts/opinions.
Upon entering highschool I had made a change to myself which led me to experience both sides of this thing we call "bullying".
One of the more noteworthy experiences I had while in highschool was one that involved a sort of "relapse" into my old self.
At the time I enjoyed playing a card game called "Magic".
While playing this on lunch break one of my usual bullies came by and began to start the usual routine of intimidation.
I was getting quite frustrated and pent up at this point as it had been going on for quite some time.
It was at this point that he decided to sit on top of the table on our cards while continuing his abusive behavior.
A switch went off at that point and I attacked him and ended up nearly choking him to death.
Nobody, including myself would have stopped me had the teachers not rushed to the scene.
This event had me slightly depressed and home for about a week or two.
I genuinely didn't like my old self at that point so seeing myself so uncontrollably enraged in hindsight got to me.
When I was around 19 years old I had my first experience with a situation that created an obvious depression in my life.
Simply put, I had my heart broken.
I felt sorry for myself for over 6 months and took me another 6 in order to somewhat get over it.
In this time however I made certain observations and created my own will and motivation which led me to my current life goal.
"I am not the only one who is suffering right now"
"My current suffering is possibly nothing compared to what others have experienced"
I wanted to know why human beings (including myself) apparently couldn't find lasting happiness in life.
This is where it started and it has been about 10 years so far.
I've made a lot of new observations and have spent most of my waking hours either contemplating everything I've observed, creating new observations or finding a distraction to keep myself sane.
One of the many issues I've found over the years is the complacency of human beings around me.
Simply put; Nobody seems to care about the state of our world. (or themselves in a lot of cases)
This observation has had a large impact on my social life.
In the beginning, it merely meant that I would become a "quiet person". I would mostly just stand there while "my friends" talked away.
Whenever I did end up speaking it usually meant becoming the "buzzkill".
I simply couldn't help myself, such important things were overlooked. Such important subjects completely neglected.
All because "we" just wanted to have fun and talk about things that interested us. It didn't feel right to me.
After some time of this I ended up simply feeling uncomfortable whenever I was around people.
All that was left to me was to just put on a mask and pretend while continuously working my mind to exhaustion.
I tried to genuinely reach out to some of the individuals around me that seemed to hold potential (as well as on the internet).
However this has never been successful.
I do still interact with some people around me, however this is something that doesn't happen very often and is rarely anything genuine.
I am currently looking for three possibilities;
One is a solution to my own loneliness.
Two is an ally who understands the need for change.
And three, the most unlikely, is someone who falls under both the first and second possibility.
There is still a lot more to be said, however I feel that this would be better suited for the eventual communication between us.
If there is anything in specific you wish to know, feel free to ask either here or through private message.
~Vorcan~
