After 8 Months, She Still Talks W/ Her Ex (EVERYDAY)

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Jim103BMS

Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2013
Messages
20
Reaction score
0
Facts -
We've been dating for 8 months
Talks with her ex everyday
She says he knows her well and makes her happy
She's not sure if she still has feelings for him
She tells me I love her more than she loves me
Claims the ex is just a friend
 
I told her to make a decision. Either stop talking to your ex or I'm leaving.
She says she doesn't want to lose either of us, she say can't make that decision.
So I broke up with her for the time being.
 
I want to hear what you guys think?
I truly love this girl. We talked for the past 48 hours, and I let her know in detail how I feel about all this, and she still won't decide.
 
I’m hoping during the time we're separated, she will come around and stop talking to the ex. She says she wants to be with me, and that’s the reason why shes being honest.
 
I even asked her if she truthfully thinks it's fair she keeps in contact with her ex when we're together. She answered "no" but still won't choose.
 
As you know, I’m quite upset because this breakup is out of nowhere. Everything was perfect, up until 2 days ago… when I asked if you still talked to the ex? I don’t want to loose her.
 
I don't think the breakup was out of nowhere. If she's been talking to her ex every day since you started dating, it's been coming for eight months. She obviously doesn't want to break things off with him. You obviously can't (and shouldn't) have a relationship with her because of this.
You were right to break it off, but it shouldn't be "for the moment." It should be for good. You say you love her and want to be with her, but she obviously has strong feelings for her ex.
That's not a good situation for you to be in at all. It could wreak havoc on your state of mind and your self esteem. Leave the situation and don't look back. I wish you luck.
 
Sorry to say, but she isn't confident or invested enough in your relationship. It doesn't sound like she sees a future with you and you need to find a way to move on.

Speaking from experience, I chose my current partner over my ex because I saw a future with him. We had dated for 3 months and my friendship with my ex was a cause of many arguments. With both my ex and partner pressuring me to pick them over the other - I chose the person that I couldn't live without.

When I was dating my ex, he was in constant contact with his ex and it was a very unenjoyable relationship. There were many times where he left me behind to attend to her needs and emotional dramas (which occurred almost weekly). He dismissed my concerns and opinions about the future of our relationship. We had an outing all together (the 3 of us) and it really hurt my self-esteem. I felt that I was never enough and that his bond with her was more important than me. In the end, their relationship led to our break up. Looking back, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I hope from my examples you can see that you made a good choice and the best thing to do is to forget about her. Her ex is more important and with her talking to him daily, saying how happy she makes him, it sounds like they both may have feelings for each other. 8 months is a long enough time for her to know if she is serious about you and it sounds like she isn't.

Look forward and forget about her...she is not worth you.
 
I would have said something good and contributing, but these two nailed it :) Good luck!!
 
It's one thing to "keep in contact" with an ex, but it's another thing entirely to have a daily intense full on parallel relationship going, which is what this sounds like. I'm surprised you put up with this for 8 months, it sounds like absolute emotional torture.

Your now ex seems like an exceptionally irresponsible and inconsiderate person to expect you to live in this perpetual limbo. It's clear a relationship doesn't mean anywhere near the same thing for her as it does to you, which is one of the most important things to know about a partner. Lets face it, no matter what words she speaks, if she actually wanted you in all this, she wouldn't have let you walk away. She is making the choice you asked her to make, it's just not to be with you. It's something she understood when you walked away and is in effect, letting you do it for her.

If she is saying this other guy makes her happy and really knows her and that she doesn't love you as much as you do her after 8 months, then what else do you really need to know? There is no hint of solid ground to set down any kind of roots in something like that. It's all just waiting for an eventual breakdown and enduring pain the whole way through, why? That's not a relationship, that's just needless suffering.

If she wants to be in some three way relationship then good for her, but in no way are you obligated to be any part of that. You really don't deserve this, no one does. I hope you find the strength in yourself to stand up and walk away for good and find a real partner if this is the life you can expect with this girl.
 
@ Skyless

I totally agree. I didn't put up with it for 8 months, though. I found out last week, and once I found she talked to him everyday, it was over right there.

It just sucks, cause I'm naturally a boring person. Most girls my age like to do so much stuff, and I'm always happy staying home. This girl seemed okay with that. But she is younger... I don't think she knows what a real relationship is.

If she chooses me before I block all contact with her, should I even consider it or what? I'd love to get her back, but my conditions must be met. I think it's really hard to find a SO that can "gets me", and I feel like I've lost more than I actually did with this girl. A girl like her is in high-demand... :/

I know deep down inside its over, and she won't choose me. But I need that closure in my life.

If anything, I came to realize how strong I am emotionally, because I know most guys my age would not have dealt with this as well as I did.
 
Breaking up was the right thing to do. The only concern I have, is this a bluff? Are you breaking up - yet are you inside holding your breath, trying to force her to choose? Or was it because you don't want to be treated this way and you've had enough.

Your "girlfriend" - and I use that term lightly, has put you second to an ex. She's keeping you as a back-up-plan, because ideally, being with the ex is what she really wants. And if that can't happen, you'll do.  Puppy-dogging after her is what makes you pathetic. It will make you feel pathetic inside as well, and you'll lose yourself.  

The best thing you'll do, is stop talking (texting) her, and focus you yourself. If it's so important to you to "wait and see" what she decides, even knowing what you know now, about being second, if by chance she flip flops back, and chooses you, it's only temporary. Get out, cut your losses, minimize the hurt and damage that you're in for.
 
@ morrowrd
I hear what you're saying. But She did say "he will never get me back. never"
I'll never lose myself. I can be an *******, and no woman will treat me like that. I will take her back if she stops talking to him. No chance in hell a man like me will take her back if she continues.

I can get another girl easily, but I didn't want another girl, I wanted her.

Today was the first time I talked to her since last week.
I asked "Do you think there's any chance we'll be together again?"

Her: "I hope so"
Me: "Well, I hope we get back together sooner, rather than later. You know what needs to happen. I won't wait forever though. But, if I see that you're trying to make an effort for us, then I really look forward to putting all this behind us, and moving forward, together as a couple."
Me: I hope the change that needs to happen, can and will come, and that we get back together. Our relationship will be stronger because of it. But Don't keep me waiting if you know that change isn't coming...
Her: You mean we will get back together only if I stop talking to him?
Me: Yeah

I'm at the point where I just need to know if I'm waiting for nothing... I'm ready to move on.
 
For whatever reason, she can't/won't let him go. If she says she has, she will likely just talk to him on the sly. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't need time to ween herself from him. If she cared about you more than she does him, she'd have already stopped, for fear of losing you.
 
@ EveWasFramed

Yup. You guys are always right on the money. That's why I come for advice here.
To be honest, none of you guys said anything I didn't already know/say/or think.

As of right now she going to at least limit her contact with the EX. I said once a month... we will see how that goes.
BTW, the EX seems to be a decent human being, and not a piece of honeysuckle, like I thought previously. Even HE says, my GF is making the wrong choice in this situation, he told her to stay with me... If anything else, I feels world's better knowing that the EX is an actual decent man.

No surprise that the female is the one to create problems.... I was so close to leaving her today... if she didn't message me at the time I saw the message it would have been over. But I know even I do get back with her, the chance of another breakup is high...

What do you guys think in her shift and actually giving in somewhat?
 
I think it's going to be substantially tough for you now, no matter how you look at it.

On your end, you have the things she said to you previously about the love deficit etc., which would cast serious doubts for me about the longevity of the relationship, you also have a pretty fundamental blow to trust and faith in the maturity of your partner and going by the progression and tone of your posts, some understandable anger/frustration to deal with. The latter especially tends to have side casualties if unchecked. You have also negotiated yourself into a position of quasi policeman of her contacts, which just sucks incredibly and is an unbelievably undesirable spot to be in for you.

On her end, there are these clear feelings of attachment to her ex, strong enough to let you walk out until even her ex started himself reacting against it. Which is not heartening, because it doesent sound like an internal decision but due to pressure from the rest of this triangle. There will also be frustration, anger and a residual resentment on her end at being controlled/coerced which tends to be quite corrosive in any relationship and can turn into general resentment either quickly or progressively over time.

So of course it's up to you to make your own decisions regarding this and it's probably beyond the capability of a few posts to fully understand the internal dynamics of your entire relationship, but no matter what you do, go into it will full awareness to the challenges and the multitude of land mines strewn all over this now and the strength and effort it will take from both of you to mend it, if that's the course you end up taking.
 
If someone doesn't love you- I wouldn't waste my time on them. When you continue to stay with someone knowing their heart isn't there.... all it does in the end is make you feel confused, lonely and not worthy of them. I think it's good that you ended up leaving her in the end. Bottom line: don't let anyone take advantage of you. Their simply not worth it. If someone causes you pain the relationship isn't worth your time. Relationships are supposed to cause you happiness. Not misery. I'm sure one day you'll find someone else. Keep your chin up. =)
 

Latest posts

Back
Top