I want to die. I don't know what to do

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MentatsGhoul

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Firstly, this is a very serious thread, and I honestly don't want to deal with any half-assed opinionated responses from people who clearly don't care, haven't bothered to go into it, or outright want to make me feel worse. Please. I know that's a bit selfish, but plain and simple, I need help, and I don't know where to turn, and I don't want this thread to be about anything else.

I've tried everything I could think of, healthy and unhealthy. Therapy? Tried it. Having my feelings constantly questioned and put into a box just made me feel worse. It was a complete waste of money. Despite being a very skeptical atheist, I've tried praying, meditation, the so-called "power of positive thinking", all that spiritual bullshit. Sometimes I even managed to convince myself it was real. But it wasn't. Nothing changed. I've tried "self-medicating" with alcohol and cigarettes, I was a borderline alcoholic for a while. For years I lived a life with only one or two "close" friends, usually online. They'd all either be very unhealthy, or abandoned me the moment I fell into a dark place. I've tried doing things "for myself", writing, a little bit of drawing, but I just can't focus on it for too long without getting burned out. At my worst, I started somehow randomly making more friends, most of whom are in my building. I know they mostly like me, but none are too close. I've tried opening up about a few things, but it's the type of circle that mostly just hangs out and tries to have fun, I haven't managed to keep the conversation on me for long. Which is fine. The distraction helps, when you're going out and having a few drinks, maybe some conversation, just the fact that you're surrounded by people who don't constantly look down on you. But the moment that distraction is gone, the moment I have a bit of introvert "burnout" from socialising too much or I don't know what to say or do or everyone is too busy to do anything, it comes back almost instantly. It's like a bandaid. I've tried to maybe find dates, but as of now, it's just not happening. I'm awful at first impressions, and I've been told I'm quite intimidating at first (e.g. I once made accidental eye contact with a girl walking behind me when I heard a noise, and she literally ran off ahead of me. This was at around 5 PM and there were loads of people around) and online dating has given me zero success.

The funny thing is, I don't have particularly low self-esteem. I used to be very shy, bordering on social anxiety, but nowadays, I'm fine. I'm not saying I'm 100% comfortable in every situation, but not much worse than the average person. I look in the mirror, and 9 times out of 10 I feel very happy with my looks. I'm quite self-aware, I know I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I do know I'm quite thoughtful and intelligent in a few areas, particularly when it comes to philosophy, existentialism etc. So, "looking-inwards" hasn't really helped.

I can't really pinpoint it. I just feel empty. Not appreciated. Often times cast out. Even with my "friends" sometimes, and always with just about everyone else. Truth is, I see no reason to keep going. Maybe things will get better. But maybe they won't. Or maybe it'll take what, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, another 20? And all the while, I'll continue to suffer, feel like I have nothing to live for. It's just not worth it anymore, and I've been feeling like I'm at my limit for a while now. Every night, I wish I either won't wake up or things will change the next day, but neither ever happens. I constantly think of walking to my university campus and jumping off the ledge of the walkway. I've gone out there a few times at night and just peered down, but never had the courage to do it. I worry about the one day I just... will. And I don't know what other options I have left at this point. I wish I did, but I don't.
 
I'll listen if you'd like to chat? I'm sorry you feel so shitty. Maybe stop trying so hard and just 'be'. You may be working yourself into a frenzy, I call it the snowball effect.

Hug!
 
I don't have much to add, but I'll pass along a little something my therapist suggested that has worked somewhat for me. He told me that the external stressors I was experiencing couldn't be changed at the moment and he felt I'd benefit from doing things that brought a little happiness into my life. So anytime I can, I do something that brings me a smile or a little happiness. It's never anything big - just small things. It seems to counteract the effects of the things that make me sad or stressed.
I know you touched on that just a bit in your post, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
I truly hope you can find a way to cope with life's hardships.
 
If you are experiencing suicidal feelings - please seek help immediately!

When I was at my lowest point, I experienced similar feelings to what you describe. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when things aren't working out but there is always hope. It's amazing the hardships that people have overcome. You have that inner strength as well...believe in yourself and please don't be so hard on yourself.
 
Incognita said:
the best therapy for you is stop whining

That is not helpful and isn't needed here.
 
Minus said:
Incognita said:
the best therapy for you is stop whining

That is not helpful and isn't needed here.

then what is helpful??? Telling him what he wants to hear....He is not even depressed or ill. Just wants some attention since he cant get it anywhere else.  Make a thread for big cry babies grown men separate from depression


maybe if he whines less he ll get a woman
 
I can't give you the answer that you seek. And, in reality, that is going to have to come from you. Maybe it is really the small mundane things of life that matter. I don't know. I have found joy and pleasure in simple things. I really enjoy cooking good food. Or baking a nice loaf of bread, Etc. I take pride in my work. And, i do some work with kids. And, then i play with my dog.
 
For anyone who didn't read it or chose to ignore the OP's first paragraph...

"Firstly, this is a very serious thread, and I honestly don't want to deal with any half-assed opinionated responses from people who clearly don't care, haven't bothered to go into it, or outright want to make me feel worse. Please. I know that's a bit selfish, but plain and simple, I need help, and I don't know where to turn, and I don't want this thread to be about anything else."

There really is no need to try to make someone feel poorly when they're already suffering.
 
Hi Mentats - Eve has some good advice upthread. I remember you talked about your troubles last year and I'm sorry to hear you're in a bad place again. I don't have any pearls of wisdom to offer although I know you're 20 and my 20s were a miserable time too. It got better as time went on though and it can for you too. Frankly, it sounds like you are already doing the best you can do. All you can do is keep going.
And for god's sake, do stay off that ledge at your university.
 
Incognita said:
Minus said:
Incognita said:
the best therapy for you is stop whining

That is not helpful and isn't needed here.

then what is helpful??? Telling him what he wants to hear....He is not even depressed or ill. Just wants some attention since he cant get it anywhere else.  Make a thread for big cry babies grown men separate from depression


maybe if he whines less he ll get a woman



I apologize if i gave you the impression that this was a debate.  Knock off your insults.
 
Incognita said:
Minus said:
Incognita said:
the best therapy for you is stop whining

That is not helpful and isn't needed here.

then what is helpful??? Telling him what he wants to hear....He is not even depressed or ill. Just wants some attention since he cant get it anywhere else.  Make a thread for big cry babies grown men separate from depression


maybe if he whines less he ll get a woman



I feel sorry for you. If the only way you can feel better about yourself is going on forums such as this and talk down to people who are in a bad place for some weird sense of moral or emotional superiority, then you must be a pretty sad person.

I wouldn't even waste my breath, but in my opinion attacking a suicidal person is one of the lowest things a person can do. The original post was very long but only had two or three sentences mentioning dating, which shows that you were intentionally looking out for something to latch onto and attack, even if it was basically a little side note on the greater issues expressed here. Something must have made you very bitter in the past, but that doesn't excuse it. I can only hope next time you think before you type, because next time you might be responding to someone who doesn't see through you.
 
Oh my God....MantatsGhoul. Never mind. I tried giving you a real world view from where I stand. And trust me I know what suicidal is---I tried it. But again, you just did some more whining and that's why you will be in this "hopeless" condition for many more years to come just crying for attention. More power to you. Bye bye


Minus said:
Incognita said:
Minus said:
Incognita said:
the best therapy for you is stop whining

That is not helpful and isn't needed here.

then what is helpful??? Telling him what he wants to hear....He is not even depressed or ill. Just wants some attention since he cant get it anywhere else.  Make a thread for big cry babies grown men separate from depression


maybe if he whines less he ll get a woman



I apologize if i gave you the impression that this was a debate.  Knock off your insults.


If I wanted to insult anyone I would. I haven't used any insulting words AT ALL. Whining is an every day common term used by many more people. This isn't a debate. I am done. Relax.
 
I don't have solutions for you MentatsGhoul, but if you're in your 20's it's way too soon for you to give up and exit the world deliberately. That bears repeating: It's too soon to give up. Do what I did, put the suicide plans on hold until you're 30 and then reassess your life.

That was 3 decades ago for me and I'm very glad I didn't check out of life back then. You'll be my age in 2060 or so......at the very least think how interesting it will be to witness the first three quarters of the 21st century.
 
Incognita said:
Oh my God....MantatsGhoul. Never mind. I tried giving you a real world view from where I stand. And trust me I know what suicidal is---I tried it. But again, you just did some more whining and that's why you will be in this "hopeless" condition for many more years to come just crying for attention. More power to you. Bye bye


Minus said:
Incognita said:
Minus said:
Incognita said:
the best therapy for you is stop whining

That is not helpful and isn't needed here.

then what is helpful??? Telling him what he wants to hear....He is not even depressed or ill. Just wants some attention since he cant get it anywhere else.  Make a thread for big cry babies grown men separate from depression


maybe if he whines less he ll get a woman



I apologize if i gave you the impression that this was a debate.  Knock off your insults.


If I wanted to insult anyone I would. I haven't used any insulting words AT ALL. Whining is an every day common term used by many more people. This isn't a debate. I am done. Relax.




I've tried to kill myself as well, but of course, you're not gonna believe me or you'll find some arbitrary reason why it's not legitimate. Trying to out-depression me is... creative though, I'll give you that lol. And I don't see how I was whining at you. But sure. Whatever helps you feel better about yourself. I was hoping maybe you'd reflect a bit on your actions, but I guess I thought too highly of you. I won't waste anymore time on someone like you.
 
Anyway, sorry for somewhat derailing this thread. I need to learn not to give trolls any attention. Thanks for the responses
@EveWasFramed and @dd11
I see what you mean. I do have a number of things to try and "lighten up" my life a little bit. And I have some people to hang out with now, which is why in general, I'm in a much better place than I used to be. But, still there's difficult times, like lately. It's really hard for me to pinpoint what's causing these feelings lately, but I just feel unable to relate to people and keep my mood up. Perhaps I should seek medication.

@Northern Lights
Unfortunately help is not available to me right now, at least not in an avenue I haven't tried (counselling or seeing a therapist). I feel talking about my issues doesn't do much anymore, which is why I'm not as active on this forum or others anymore. As for talking to friends, it's hard for me to open up to people in person, and a number of them have, in other conversations, shown that they lack understanding of what depression actually is. But I will try, I hope, when I get the opportunity, to actually talk to someone if I can. Thank you.

@SofiasMami and @constant stranger
That is one of the few things that makes me feel a little better, but it's hard not to lose hope subjectively speaking. I don't remember if I mentioned this in the original post, but I've suffered from depression since I was 14, suicidal urges since 15 and before that I had a pretty nasty childhood. In essence, this has been going on for most of my life. I wish I could just snap out of it and hope for a brighter future, but it's hard when the evidence behind you indicates that things don't improve much. Still, I should be thankful for the progress I've made with social anxiety and the ability to talk to more people. I try to do my best to stay positive like that.
 
Knowing that it will sound half-arsed and condescending I think a lot of what you described -superficial connections, friends who don't seem compatible (but there's no-one else), sudden depression and anxiety over what's ahead- are commonly experienced by people in their early 20s.

Maybe you already tried this, but you might want to consider supplements such as 5- HTP (Serotonin) which help regulate mood, make it easier to sleep. They don't work like antidepressants and it helped for me.
 
ardour said:
Knowing that it will sound half-arsed and condescending I think a lot of what you described -superficial connections, friends who don't seem compatible (but there's no-one else), sudden depression and anxiety over what's ahead- are commonly experienced by people in their early 20s.  

Maybe you already tried this, but you might want to consider supplements such as 5- HTP (Serotonin) which help regulate mood, make it easier to  sleep. They don't work like antidepressants and it helped for me.

Actually I think that's fair enough, coupled with already being someone prone to depression.

As for supplements... never looked into it. Perhaps I'll do some research.
 
I do hope you can somehow find your way out of this dark moment, and begin to feel better. Take things very slowly for the time being, hour by hour and day by day, until you start to feel differently.
 

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