Online dating - meeting up with different girls - is this okay?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

GrayAndLonesome

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2016
Messages
108
Reaction score
0
Although I have been belly aching about not liking the first two girls I've met on the online dating website, and then complaining about the third girl (whom I reallly like!) not responding much to my text messages for follow-up dates, I am seeing two other women right now.

One of the two girls, I have met her already two times.

I like her personality. Her cultural background and ethnicity is almost similar to mine. However, her looks, bleh, she looks mediocre and I can't imagine myself having sex with her. However, I don't want to just "throw her away." I actually wouldn't mind keeping her just as a friend (sadly, basically, I would like to friendzone her).

The other person is a female who's slightly older than me. She's okay looking and I could even have romance with her. Not a rock-solid model, but decent body and face is slightly above average (maybe better if she got rid of her glasses). She has a stronger academic background than I do, as she got her PhD in molecular cell biology four years ago and is applying for a tenured faculty position to lecture at the university's medical school. Her parents don't live here in the US, but in mainland China.
      The only thing that irked me about this girl, is she LIED to me about her age. She told me during our "walk along the lake" date that she was born two years after my birth year, hence, making her two years younger than me. However, I did some online "research" on her (no no no, I'm not a stalker!), and her birthday is actually four months ahead of my birthday. She told me the correct month and date of her birth, but not the year. Hence, that makes her slightly older than me, but not that old.....just four months. I mean sheesh, why did she have to lie about her age?


So my question is, do you people think that it's okay to date multiple people, at the same time, while doing online dating? It feels really weird to me. For example, I keep planning date locations nearby where each of them live, and making the date locations far apart, so hopefully when I'm out with one girl, the other girl doesn't bump into us walking together at the mall, or eating together at a restaurant. :p
 
I personally see no problem with it. It's the scattergun effect at the end of the day. Try multiple things at once and you're bound to find something you like quicker right?

Problem is that this sort of thing can only go on so far. I've heard of many people doing similar things, dating several women at the same time, even taking them out to the same place one after the other, like an hourly shift thing. Heh. But ultimately, there needs to be a point where you decide on just one. It's fine to keep your options open, I would say, but after one or two dates it starts to become a little dishonest. You know... can't keep it going with both of them, because then when is it going to stop? Hehe...

I would say since you've met one of these girls twice, decide here and now whether you think continuing to see her might result in something. If it is, then break it off with the other girl. If it isn't, break it off with her. Or what have you.

TLDR: It's fine for the first or even second date. But after that... you need to choose one or the other.

Or at least... that's my thoughts on the matter. Hope it helped.
 
GrayAndLonesome said:
      The only thing that irked me about this girl, is she LIED to me about her age.

So my question is, do you people think that it's okay to date multiple people, at the same time, while doing online dating? It feels really weird to me. For example, I keep planning date locations nearby where each of them live, and making the date locations far apart, so hopefully when I'm out with one girl, the other girl doesn't bump into us walking together at the mall, or eating together at a restaurant. :p

See the word you put in all caps? This is essentially what you are doing to these women. Sure many people who use dating sites do go out with more than one person, it is expected. But, seeing as how focused on the one woman lying about her age, you should be honest with these women and let them know you are seeing more than one person. They may be alright with it or they may not, and could be doing the same thing. Some only date one person at a time and would feel slighted that you were not up front with them.

In the end though it is what you feel, wear the other persons shoes for a second and think how you would feel if these women were dating other guys and didn't say anything to you. How would you feel? Then you have your answer for yourself. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you'd find people would be on both sides of the fence on whether dating more than one person at a time is okay or not.
 
Perhaps you should state on your profile that you won't go out with any woman who is overweight at all, has mediocre looks or below, not model-like or is older than you. The more things you add that you don't want, you will have a good chance at limiting your replies and maybe that will solve the issue of going out with multiple women. :)
 
GrayAndLonesome said:
Although I have been belly aching about not liking the first two girls I've met on the online dating website, and then complaining about the third girl (whom I reallly like!) not responding much to my text messages for follow-up dates, I am seeing two other women right now.

One of the two girls, I have met her already two times.

I like her personality. Her cultural background and ethnicity is almost similar to mine. However, her looks, bleh, she looks mediocre and I can't imagine myself having sex with her. However, I don't want to just "throw her away." I actually wouldn't mind keeping her just as a friend (sadly, basically, I would like to friendzone her).

The other person is a female who's slightly older than me. She's okay looking and I could even have romance with her. Not a rock-solid model, but decent body and face is slightly above average (maybe better if she got rid of her glasses). She has a stronger academic background than I do, as she got her PhD in molecular cell biology four years ago and is applying for a tenured faculty position to lecture at the university's medical school. Her parents don't live here in the US, but in mainland China.
      The only thing that irked me about this girl, is she LIED to me about her age. She told me during our "walk along the lake" date that she was born two years after my birth year, hence, making her two years younger than me. However, I did some online "research" on her (no no no, I'm not a stalker!), and her birthday is actually four months ahead of my birthday. She told me the correct month and date of her birth, but not the year. Hence, that makes her slightly older than me, but not that old.....just four months. I mean sheesh, why did she have to lie about her age?


So my question is, do you people think that it's okay to date multiple people, at the same time, while doing online dating? It feels really weird to me. For example, I keep planning date locations nearby where each of them live, and making the date locations far apart, so hopefully when I'm out with one girl, the other girl doesn't bump into us walking together at the mall, or eating together at a restaurant. :p

Yes, it's ok. I encourage it. Whatever helps you feel less lonley. And if you can develop relationships even better. 
So that tells me you are having success in the dating world meeting multiple people?

On a side note. Where is callie!!!


??
 
TheRealCallie said:
I agree with Sci and Eve.  Stop lying to people and expecting to get everything you want.  The term "player" comes to mind while reading what you wrote.


Restless soul said:
On a side note. Where is callie!!!

??

Are you my stalker now?

You just wish
 
When I was online dating, the first few dates it was obvious that we were all seeing other people and not exclusive. At some point, you'll need to have the "where do you see this going?" conversation with them and choose one of them or someone else.

***

Also, I am curious as to what is "meh/ okay/ mediocre-looking" vs "pretty" to you. It seems that you do not get many responses from women and the ones that you do receive responses from...you comment about being displeased with their appearances (with the exception of the one "pretty" girl).

As someone that's online-dated for too long...I found many single males to be seeking conventional 10/10 Hollywood beauty types when they themselves are "meh/ okay/ mediocre-looking" in comparison to media beauty standards. On eHarmony, I even had one fellow rejecting me stating he wanted to date an Emma Stone-lookalike (actress). I mean this non-offensively...but does this apply to you?

In my relationship with my ex, I was just "meh/ okay/ mediocre-looking" and I think he struggled with accepting that. He was always snapping his head at every other woman and obsessing over actresses, models and "beautiful" women. I never noticed his "flaws" (obese, walked with a hunch, arrogant) because I fell in love with his personality (which I later found out sucked and his obsession with beauty was toxic to me).

Are you the type that can have attraction grow as you learn more about a person's good qualities? Do you think you would treat a "prettier" woman better and work harder for her?

Speaking as an average-looking woman...I found myself treated very differently with 1. person that was "okay" but not thrilled with my looks vs 2. person that is happy with my looks.

If I was a woman that was interested in you...I would feel quite pained to be thought of as "meh/ okay/ mediocre". However, if you are the type of person where attraction can grow then I hope that this works out for you. If you know that you will be displeased with her looks (like my ex) maybe you're better off continuing to date many people and seek the "pretty" girl.

P.S. I think every man and woman enjoys being seen as the most beautiful or handsome person in their relationship (even if Hollywood, the media, and society disagree). My partner and I have family members who are deeply still attracted to each other despite aging, weight, sickness etc. If looks are top priority to you, then it might be difficult for you to accept such changes if you did not find your partner attractive in the first place...
 
I am just starting online dating and have to agree with what someone wrote above - on a intro date, I would expect that the person is still exploring other possibilities, and I would be as well.

I'm having trouble with selecting people by photographs. in my twisted mostly-fake online relationship, who I met first in person, I look at his profile picture on FB and think, I would not in a million years pick him to go out with from a photograph. It just doesn't work that way for me.
 
So online dating (OLD) is kind of interesting. It's like a carousel where you meet girls, you message them, you go on a face-to-face date with them, and if they don't like you, or you don't like the girl (vice versa if you're a female user of OLD).

I have been through around four girls already. Some of them got the gist that I didn't like them, so they stopped responding to my text messages.

The other girl whom I posted a thread about (texted me "I'm Sick" on the day of date) was pretty and I really liked her. However, she didn't find interest in me. I still have her phone number in my cell phone list. However, she doesn't initiate any text messages to me. The last message we've sent was about a week ago.

Then recently, I messaged six additional women, where two of the six responded. One of the two ladies is around five or six years older than me, but dayum, she looks hot for a 42 y.o. The downside to her, is that she's divorced and has two kids. Nevertheless, I still want to meet up with her and just practice some interaction skills with her.

I am still seeing up to three ladies this coming weekend. I don't know if I should buy all of them flowers though. Woot!
 
GrayAndLonesome said:
So online dating (OLD) is kind of interesting. It's like a carousel where you meet girls, you message them, you go on a face-to-face date with them, and if they don't like you, or you don't like the girl (vice versa if you're a female user of OLD).

I have been through around four girls already. Some of them got the gist that I didn't like them, so they stopped responding to my text messages.

The other girl whom I posted a thread about (texted me "I'm Sick" on the day of date) was pretty and I really liked her. However, she didn't find interest in me. I still have her phone number in my cell phone list. However, she doesn't initiate any text messages to me. The last message we've sent was about a week ago.

Then recently, I messaged six additional women, where two of the six responded. One of the two ladies is around five or six years older than me, but dayum, she looks hot for a 42 y.o. The downside to her, is that she's divorced and has two kids. Nevertheless, I still want to meet up with her and just practice some interaction skills with her.

I am still seeing up to three ladies this coming weekend. I don't know if I should buy all of them flowers though. Woot!

You want to just PRACTICE on her?? You're a piece of work. Don't ever complain about anyone you meet wasting your time. You would be furious if the shoe was on the other foot. 
I know you won't be, but you should be ashamed of yourself for using her.
 
EveWasFramed said:
GrayAndLonesome said:
So online dating (OLD) is kind of interesting. It's like a carousel where you meet girls, you message them, you go on a face-to-face date with them, and if they don't like you, or you don't like the girl (vice versa if you're a female user of OLD).

I have been through around four girls already. Some of them got the gist that I didn't like them, so they stopped responding to my text messages.

The other girl whom I posted a thread about (texted me "I'm Sick" on the day of date) was pretty and I really liked her. However, she didn't find interest in me. I still have her phone number in my cell phone list. However, she doesn't initiate any text messages to me. The last message we've sent was about a week ago.

Then recently, I messaged six additional women, where two of the six responded. One of the two ladies is around five or six years older than me, but dayum, she looks hot for a 42 y.o. The downside to her, is that she's divorced and has two kids. Nevertheless, I still want to meet up with her and just practice some interaction skills with her.

I am still seeing up to three ladies this coming weekend. I don't know if I should buy all of them flowers though. Woot!

You want to just PRACTICE on her?? You're a piece of work. Don't ever complain about anyone you meet wasting your time. You would be furious if the shoe was on the other foot. 
I know you won't be, but you should be ashamed of yourself for using her.

Totally agree!  That is awful!
 
A comment like that is going to hit a nerve with some people. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to practice socializing, but not in a situation like that where it's under false pretences.
 
I expect to one day find a post from you complaining about being led on (or maybe you've already posted one)...this is what you are doing.

Also, what a waste of another person's time.
 
I used to think you were a normal but unlucky guy that had no responses from anyone. Actually, it sounds like you are doing a fair amount of rejecting (posts I've seen mention how thick or unattractive or blah looking your dates are). I've also seen a quite bit of complaining from you about how western society doesn't like your Asian looks. It's your right to pick who you want but it's an example of the pot calling the kettle black. You can't really have pity parties about this kind of stuff anymore because you're not really that different...

Now the fish are biting with people presumably looking for true love...and you want to play them? I hope she runs far away from you, doesn't waste her time, and get her feelings hurt.
 
EveWasFramed said:
You want to just PRACTICE on her?? You're a piece of work. Don't ever complain about anyone you meet wasting your time. You would be furious if the shoe was on the other foot. 
I know you won't be, but you should be ashamed of yourself for using her.

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on guys, I didn't mean to sound shallow, and I was going to state that I want to converse with this girl, and also try to do new activities together, like go golfing at the shooting range, or to simply take a walk in the park together.

I was tired yesterday, I got off of work in the morning.

I am not using her. I am getting to know these women, and trust me, I'm sure that women doing OLD are also meeting a ton of other guys at the same time.


Northern Lights said:
I used to think you were a normal but unlucky guy that had no responses from anyone. Actually, it sounds like you are doing a fair amount of rejecting (posts I've seen mention how thick or unattractive or blah looking your dates are). I've also seen a quite bit of complaining from you about how western society doesn't like your Asian looks. It's your right to pick who you want but it's an example of the pot calling the kettle black. You can't really have pity parties about this kind of stuff anymore because you're not really that different...

Now the fish are biting with people presumably looking for true love...and you want to play them? I hope she runs far away from you, doesn't waste her time, and get her feelings hurt.

Listen, Northern Lights. I should not have said just practice with the girl. Yes, I do want to socialize with her, because I have never met a girl from OLD who is older than I am. That girl I'm going to meet also has two kids from a previous marriage, so her expectation and "theme" when interacting with her maybe totally different from a younger girl who did not go through a divorce and did not yet have any children. I am not leading this girl on. I have even yet to meet her.


Yes, on the other hand, I did reject those first two girls I've met on match website. They were different and thicker than what they looked like in their photo. The second girl, the filipina one, was okay. But I was upset with her, because I gave her a box of chocolate for Christmas. She never even told me or sent me a text message thanking me for the box of chocolate. Do you think I care to continue dating that kind of cold person? No!

In addition, I do feel that there is racial  and sexual discrimination against Asian men, like me, when it comes to romance here in the US and in other western nation. Let's not sweep that issue under the rug. Just turn on your TV and you can see AF/WM couples on commercials. How come commercials and movies can show black men and women together, but not Asian men and women together? So much hypocrisy with US media!
 
[quote pid='833499' dateline='1486577625']

How come commercials and movies can show black men and women together, but not Asian men and women together? So much hypocrisy with US media!
[/quote]

Walking Dead Glenn and Maggie?  Glenn was my favorite character.  Hate that they killed him off.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top