Middle ground between hook-ups and marriage

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What are you looking for when you date?

  • Mainly hook-ups

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Marriage & children

    Votes: 4 40.0%
  • Serious relationship without marriage & children

    Votes: 7 70.0%

  • Total voters
    10

Melissaur

Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2017
Messages
10
Reaction score
0
Location
Perth, Australia
Hi my fellow lonely folks. I'm new here and first time posting, been reading a few threads and thought I'd start my own.


My whole adult life I have always rejected the idea of ever getting married or having children. But that's not to say that I'm a frivolous person who only wants hook-ups only or shallow and short relationships. Quite the opposite really, my first real relationship lasted 10 years from age 16 to 26, though it really should have ended 5 years earlier - I stupidly hung onto a ball and chain because I was too scared to be alone. The next one lasted almost 4 years but was probably doomed from the start, since he wanted to one day get married and sire children, I guess we had both hoped to change the other person's mind. 

Now I am 30 and I have never dated and courted anyone, my previous 2 ex's were first my friends so there was no need to get to know them through dating. I signed up for POF.com and tinder, but so far haven't been able to find anyone that I can communicate with at a decent level. I've chatted to and skyped a bunch of people. Encountering communication break-downs in the very first conversation with a person is surely a red flag not to continue. Things like they can't spell or use grammar properly, or they have a foreign accent and I can't decipher what they are saying, or they say very very little.

Wanting a serious relationship without the possibility of marriage seems to be impossible to find. The vast majority of people seem to want either hook-ups only or wedding bells and nappies. Surely there must be others like me, but when you add personal criteria into the equation that makes a suitable partner even harder to find. My criteria isn't ridiculously high; someone who can support and take care of themselves, whom I can communicate with and who likes me. The few people I've matched with on the POF and tinder, who claim to be in the middle ground, either can't/won't be responsible with their lives or can't communicate with me. 

It just seems like the combination I'm looking for in a person is exceeding rare, there's always one element missing. It was like that in my previous relationships and so I know from experience that trying to ignore one of those incompatibilities just doesn't work.

What is your minimum criteria combination?
Are there any other middle-ground people here?
 
Add "doesn't want any more children or to live together* to the above, and you have mine.
 
I can relate to this for sure. I don't think internet dating is going to work for me. A picture doesn't show me the real person, and a lot of people especially men do not come across the same on text or chat as they do in person.
 
Missingthesun said:
I can relate to this for sure.  I don't think internet dating is going to work for me.  A picture doesn't show me the real person, and a lot of people especially men do not come across the same on text or chat as they do in person.

Why especially men?
 
lol I must be right then, since only women have replied and you've all said no more children and don't want to live together, which I guess counts as in the middle. No males have replied so I'm assuming it's because they sit on one side or the other. Luckily I'm bi so I guess I'll try to find another bi lady, one that has been there and done that with a guy and marriage/children. Well technically I wouldn't have to worry too much about the marriage part with a lady since the Australia government is stupid like that.
 
Divorced, 2 kids (50/50 custody, which works). Not getting married again, not having more kids. Don't want to live with anyone.

My ideal is a long term, monogamous FWB.
 
Nwahs said:
Divorced, 2 kids (50/50 custody, which works).  Not getting married again, not having more kids.  Don't want to live with anyone.

My ideal is a long term, monogamous FWB.

Yeah that would be perfect for me too!
 
how can FWB be long term monogamous? Itsn't that just a relationship? I thought FWB is a no commitment thing? Anyway personally I've given up.
 
Man here, my list

Marriage, don't care what a piece of paper says, whatever she wants.
Children, would want but ok if it doesn't happen,
Living together, yes I think I'd like that.

Not looking for hookups, not looking for marriage & children.
Looking for some form of companionship and happiness, someone to talk with and watch cheesy movie on the couch with, travel and explore with, you know all them corny fluffy feeling things :p
 
ditakelly said:
how can FWB be long term monogamous? Itsn't that just a relationship? I thought FWB is a no commitment thing? Anyway personally I've given up.

Had I simply meant FWB, would of said that.  Hence why I added the other bits.  There's not a term for my ideal, that I'm aware of.  Somewhere in the limbo between FWB & GF.  

With a traditional BF/GF relationship, there are certain expectations & presumed privileges that come with the title "Girlfriend".  There's usually the desire on her part to make sure the relationship is always "going somewhere".  First, she tries to increase the amount of time spent together, decreasing your time for yourself, your friends & family.  Eventually, she wants to move in together.  Then marriage, then kids.  Your life becomes "Our life".  Been there, done that.  Don't like it.

Girlfriends try to "improve" you by needling, nagging, henpecking.  Friends are much more accepting of who you are.  Friends are cool with the way things are.  They don't try to wear you down to becoming their best friend.  Friends are much more respectful of your boundaries.  They don't try to erode at your foundations until you cave in.
 
Ah, so you want the perks of having a girl, without putting in the work and sticking round for the hard stuff. It's becoming a big issue with guys nowerdays, shame. I'm so glad I'm out if it
 
No. What you're describing is a fresia buddy. Also, you're only considering half of it. The girl has the perks of having a guy, without having to put in the work & not having to stick around for the hard stuff as well.

With my ideal, you're there for each other, as friends. You both put "in the work" as friends. When 2 people are good friends, it rarely feels like work. You're there for the hard stuff, as friends.
 
So you want your cake and eat it, Lol, just be honest with yourself, there's no shame in it, but just don't dress it up to be something it's not. What exactly would be in it for the girl anyway? All that great sex a guy thinks he's gonna provide LMAO. What you are talking about simply doesn't exist, sorry, one person always ends up wanting more. Enevitably what happens is a girl 'says' that FWB is ok but deep down ( and sometimes she doesnt even truly admit it to herself) she hopes eventually it would turn into a relationship (also could work the other way round with a guy being the one hoping for more). That's real life.

Anyway, in response to the origional question, what she is looking for is a 'partner' or 'life companion' it's entirely normal and achievable, but POF just ain't really the place to find them, I met my long term partners in real life, thing would last between 2 -6 years, sensible stuff no marriage or kids. The people who live like that tend to be educated, independent thinkers or artsy types.
 
Who doesn't want cake & eat it?

Saying that, don't see how that applies here. No shame, not dressing up anything.

Are there FWB/FB scenarios where one wants more? Certainly. Are there FWB/FB scenarios where both are content the way things are? Yes.

FWB: If one wants more, they cross that bridge when they reach it. If they really are friends, they have open, honest communication. If one wants more, they discuss it. If the other doesn't want to change, they either accept the way things are, or opt out.
 
I never did understand why you wouldn't eat the cake if you had it. Who the hell doesn't eat their cake? :club:

You want what you want, Nwahs. There's nothing wrong with that, we all want our own thing. We all have our own opinions.....even if some try to shove their opinions down our throats, that doesn't make your opinion less or wrong.
 
LMAO anyone who's diclamer is longer than their post can simply not be taken seriously. Who even has a disclamer on a forum!
 

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