Rejected by parents?

*Apologies, I posted this in the wrong section by accident, so I have reposted to here

Hi Everyone

I've been going through a difficult patch lately, I've been trying to escape a deeply abusive relationship and finally I have been offered a Housing Association flat, this is excellent news, however the flat wont be ready for a few months and so I'm stuck with my abuser and he's really ramping it up, being very controlling, because he knows I am gaining confidence and leaving soon.

Anyway, my escape has taken around nine months to get the flat, I was homeless and living in my car for a time and throughout the whole ordeal my parents just never lifted a finger to help me. There were times when I was was terrified for my life from my abuser and even one time when a man tried to break into my car in the middle of the night (he didn't realise I was sleeping in it and got the fright of his life when I started screaming!!!). Through all this time I begged my parents to let me stay in their spare room, but nothing but rejection! Even when the man broke into the car, I drove through the night in a state of fear (london-manchester) after the incident, only to be turned away by my parents.
 
My mother has spent her whole life abused and controlled by my father and so understands what I experience on an emotional level, but unlike me she learnt to be the victim for the 35 years of her marriage and when I call her for support she mostly just tells me to put up and take it, unfortunately I have a strong survival/fighter instinct and so stand up to abuse.

My father has literally no interest in any aspect of my life anyway and it was him that flatly refuses to help or even speak to me on the phone.

This actually is not the first time I have been homeless, I ran away from home at 16 due to the bad childhood, father abusing mother/father neglecting me/ mother to wrapped up in the domestic situation. I survived at 16, so obviously I can survive at 35!

However, over the years, I made effort to build a relationship with them, I really wanted to be loved, but it was always one sided (I always made the phone calls, I always sent the first text), I got an education and worked in interesting jobs, but there was always the sense that they just were not really interested, I swear they don't even really know what I am qualified to do. I even recently qualified as an adult education teacher and I swear they don't even believe that I am one!

This was no different when I was at school, I was a straight grade A student, so they just stopped attending parents evening, uninterested. They never attended school plays even though I was a promising performer.

Anyway today I begged my mother to let me stay just until my new flat is ready (otherwise I stay in the abuse or sleep in the car) and again my mother said no, it would cause too much abuse from my father for even asking. 

Its so painful to be rejected, inside I feel like a little kid who's parents just abandon them, I know most parents would never let their child (no matter how old) go through this.

Anyway, if you managed to get through all that - well done! Its been a bit of a monologue!!!  

I wondered if anyone else has had to let relationships go with family members or been rejected by parents, how have you handled it? I am grateful for all comments (but I do respectfully ask, that if you only have negative stuff to throw in my direction, please don't bother, I get enough of that from my ex boyfriend, cheers)

Thanks

(copy from reply in new members section)

Hey Ditakelly,

My parents were great in my childhood upuntill about age 10, when my mother started having mental problems and after divorcing my father I lost contact with him, but I know today I could knock on either one off their frontdoors and be welcome and warm for however long is needed..

I'm not going to assume you are like me without a friend in the world, and thus suggest seeing if you can stay at anyone elses place for the remaining two months, but if that happens to be the case that you have no friends to call on that is of little use. I would think a metropolitan as London has shelter/safe houses for the abused, if all else fails you could try looking into that.

It seems you are in a realy tough and difficult situation that has lasted years, the good thing is that you are very very close to getting out, and I would plead with you to hang in there just a little longer knowing the end is in sight!

Thanks for your support Mr Lonely, yes I actually contacted a women's refuge today,will see what they think my options are. You would think London being a Metropolitan area would indeed have shelters, but there is actually a chronic homeless crisis here! Most are full and mainly for men! Thank you for your, as always, very articulate response.

As someone else who has been through domestic abuse, I can say you are absolutely doing the right thing. I only told my parents after he tried to kill me and my daughter, who was 9 months old at the time, up until that point they had no idea what was going on. Thankfully they were great and took us both in while the ex-hubby got arrested, the police were less than supportive, they laughed in my face when I told them I was leaving him. Several court proceedings and injunctions later and I finally managed to get a house for me and the baby, I never really settled there because I always thought he'd find us and stuff like that. I never accepted any help, which I probably should have looking back, I felt like people would judge me or think I was a failure for marrying an arsehole. I know now that that isn't the case. People that mattered to me were proud of me for getting myself and my daughter out of that situation.

17 years later, I had had enough of living like that and moved somewhere I felt safer. It's taken me almost 20 years to get over that, but I'm in a really good place right now.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone and it does get better. But, please take any and all the help you need, there is no shame in it.

First, I'm sorry that you are in a difficult situation, I wish you the best and hope that resources out there will help. Congrats on the flat!

Your father is a nutcase and your mother is no better, plus she's an enabler. It's honestly for the best for you to just cut any ties you have with them.

Due to my current, less-than-ideal situation, I have my parents involved in my life, but when life gives me a break, I'm putting an end to that. However, our relationship is very superficial and we treat each other as acquaintances, not family. It hurts sometimes, because I know that I *could* have had a family connection, but I know I don't want that with aggressive, narcissistic, and manipulative people.

For the time being, I deal with my family the way I deal with other people. I'm tired of it, it's ridiculous and unacceptable. No more being quiet and waiting for their behaviour to bite them in the ass (that takes too long and I'm inpatient). I don't care anymore, I'll say what I want and be told I'm "nasty" and wah, how I'm so "mean" when I'm nowhere near as bad as the aggressive, catty people I (unfortunately) have to interact with in my everyday life. They're annoying, I don't care, and I don't want to waste energy to deal with them, I can say "OK. Whatever." to people to!

Some mammals eat their young. I've experienced this firsthand.

Nothing of substance to add. Just to say sorry you're going through all this & hope things improve greatly very soon.

Thanks so much for everyone's replies, it means a lot and really helps

Get out before things get ugly and believe me things will get ugly if you don't get out

My father despised me for 40 years, right up to the day of his death. He couldn't cope with Mom's mood disorder and wouldn't learn how to, so she turned to me. Totally Freudian triangle.

Stay away from your parents ditakelly, expecting them to be the family you wish they were is like asking them to run a four minute mile.....they can't do it. Avoid your abuser too. Even living in the car would be better. Are there no bed sits available in London? London is so huge....surely there are some affordable places....even being flatmates with someone who could use a bit of help with the rent is a possibility eh?

What a horrible situation.  I am wondering what anyone in here can say to make you feel better other than to try and empathize...  the relationship I'm in right now, she has been my co-worker for 13 years, and married to an abusive man.  Up until this relationship, I have had an idealistic view of domestic violence laws & domestic violence victim resources here in the state of NY.  My ex wife was on the victims of violence hotline, and an employee of the NFP organization that ran the hotline...I was involved myself to a lesser extent being her husband, and helped install locks and other basic items for the vov safehouses.  I would see situations where the victims had advocates, places to go, and all kinds of support and would be stunned watching them go back to their abusers.  Now, fast forward to the present... I became involved with her the summer before last, her child was in my program, and towards the end of one of the events one evening, she and I were talking about her home situation. We always talked over the years at work, and I was aware of what was happening in the home, but she never revealed the actual physical abuse, until that night. I had all my advice ready, the vov hotline, safehouses, the advocates, ect. I told her it was easy to get out..... and began to help her. (our feelings for each other began to develop during this time, another story for another thread or time)  I warned her that this was the most dangerous time, when she began to get the courage to escape. I predicted her abusers each step, she thought I was clairvoyant - I explained to her about human behavior being a pattern.  Both victims and abusers, no matter where on earth they are, all seem to follow the same behavior pattern - I knew HER own reasonings and behavior patterns, decisions, as well as his, and felt pretty confident in being able to counsel her, and keep her ahead of the ball with him.  He bruised her whole right side that night she disclosed her physical abuse, (she came home a half hour late and he suspected her of hanging out with her "boyfriend" (me) and tried to get her phone.)  I lost 20 lbs in that month worrying and trying to convince her to follow through with an order or protection.  I SO wanted to walk into that home one night, she was on the phone in her car, and her abuser husband banged on the window, I heard the menace in his voice.  I told her unless she followed through with getting an order, I was going to end things between us because it was putting her in more danger.  She followed through, and that was a good first step. However, there is a relatively new law here, a family equality act, that turns back the clock in this state on domestic violence laws.... And I saw that a victim of domestic violence is easily victimized a few times over, by the court, the police dept, as well as the abuser. It seemed like everyone was on his side.  I could see how through the visitations, a victim can be continually menaced and abused, because even with an order of protection, they are allowed near the victim provided they are supervised...in this case, he had a family member. I remember sitting at her kitchen table, she asked me to stay out of sight while they picked up her son. She didn't want to provoke him.... and I sat there listening, my ears burning as I heard them talk down to her, both her husband and his "supervision."  That was one of a whole bunch of things I observed, loopholes in the so-called safety net of the order of protection. I began to see the trap victims of violence find themselves in...and order of protection here is 6 weeks, and can be extended. As long as the abuser behaves, (there appears to be quite a bit of grace regarding the definition of "good behavior") the courts here will not grant a third extension without solid proof of a threat. In my girlfriends case, the "advocates" from vov used to accompany them to court, and I discovered that they stopped doing that. I discovered vulnerability even at the court appearances, I accompanied her to each and every court date. The waiting rooms didn't even have guards, thus even at court, she could be victimized and harassed, menaced.

What I began to realize is that only with outside intervention (I nickname vigilante intervention) does a victim have real protection.  Many times that becomes family, and in her case, there was none....... much like yourself.  I became the real order of protection.  I began to be the one, not her, at the pick up and drop off of her child to the abuser.  I began to interact with him, in a polite (not friendly, just polite) and blunt/direct way.  When he disliked seeing my smiling face each time, he texted her, demanding she begin to come alone...and I took her phone and advised him I was monitoring the texts and that he and I needed a "man to man" talk.  He apologized to her, (never responding to my invitation) and at the next drop off, he apologized to me, thanked me for helping with his child. Before the extension had ended (protection order) I had moved her out and into my home. I also came up with a safety plan, such as advising her to not go places after work alone that he knew she frequented. The library was one place, he never was interested in going when they were together, but after the protection order and he was removed, he showed up there every **** day. (a former co worker works at the front desk, and informed her to be careful about going there). Since we work together, during the day I would move her car from the isolated parking lot she always uses, to one closer to the building, and she takes MY truck home which I park right outside my office. (I have a door in the back that goes directly outside). And I drive her car. I pictured him lurking and appearing at her car, he knows what time she leaves.  My "plan" was to minimize the odds of him finding her alone, it takes from him the other scheduled opportunities to get her alone, including phone calls.  

Back to you, this story makes me see the plight of domestic violence victims.  Somehow, we need to trouble-shoot with you and find you someone to help even the odds here. You need to survey your contacts, family, friends, etc.  You need to contact a victims of violence agency and explain your situation regarding personal safety, and see if some emergency housing can be provided.  Anything.   In your "list" we need to start looking for anyone who is willing to help you by even providing an escort to court.  You have not mentioned children, are there any?  If so, someone to be there during pick up and drop off times.  Survey your daily routine, and try to mix things up a bit, adapt and use other stores in place of ones your abuser is used to you patronizing. In other words, you need to come up with a strategy, that actually provides a level of safety.

A word of warning, the temptation to return to your abuser will become very strong. Especially when his attempts to disrupt your plans and shatter your feelings of safety begin to happen. Victims return most of the time because being in the situation appears to be easier, than the torment of fear. Stay strong, use your powers of adapting and improvising. You WILL become stronger.  I will google and look for some resources. (maybe others in this forum as well, especially those from the UK). Keep us posted.

http://www.refuge.org.uk/

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 0808-2000-247

An IDVA can help with the following:
· Creating safety plans and undertaking risk assessments
· Accompanying clients to court or arranging pre-trial visits
· Supporting clients to give evidence and write victim impact statements
· Requesting special measures eg. screens to conceal clients in court so they don’t have to face their abuser
· Helping clients to access refuge accommodation
· Helping clients to increase security in their property so that they can continue to live safely at home
· Providing emotional support and referring victims to counselling or mental health services
· Liaise with social workers on child protection issues

Hello, I have been rejected by my parents when I can leave home to never return. If they do not want me now then when they need me they do not warn me, or for everything or for nothing

Ditakelly, you have achieved amazing things, and it is very rude of your parents to not acknowledge that! You seem very strong, and I applaud you being able to escape the bad relationship!
One does not have to stay with ones family - some people are better left out. Your mother sadly made a faulty choice by staying with such a partner. In my case, I have an amazing mother, and a father I hate (and luckily haven't seen since around 4 years age) who hit the whole family. We are indeed better off without him, but I can imagine the situation being difficult if both parents are stuck like yours. I do hope you have friends and similar, eventhough I know how abusive partners have a tendency to limit the contact one has with those. You HAVE to get out, however, so best of luck with getting that apartment!

I don't know if this will help much but heres a few things from my life that were similar to your problem. 

So I can't really relate to the aspect of abuse. Sorry. I'm male & it doesn't happen to us often & is never happened to me personally. But I do know a lot about worthless parents & being homeless. Which should I start with first? 

I'll go with the parents thing first. Some parents are worthless. Sad to believe but it's true. They learned bad habits from their family Instead of identifying those habits & trying to break them, they just teach it to next generation. My parents were lazy drug addicts & spent more time high or drunk in front of the television then preparing their children for the future. My father abandoned my sister, simply because the marriage with her mother didn't work out. Which said to me that he would've done the same to my brother & I, in that situation. I have two children & my daughter struggles with autism. My mother, for some reason or another, believes that she knows better than medical science. I guess she thinks that sitting around watching that charlatan Dr. Phil is the equivalent of earning a PhD. So she treated my daughter like honeysuckle saying, "she doesn't have autism... She's just misbehaved... You need to spank her or your a bad parent." They would pat themselves on the back & praising they're parenting. Not taking into consideration that my sister wasn't even the picture & that both their sons left the house at 16 & never came back. So finally, I had to remove them from life. 

It wasn't easy for me either. I unfortunately had to cut all ties with my family. Including my grandmother, who I loved very dearly. I did manage to see her before she died last week. But I don't regret the decision either. My duties as a father far out weigh my duties as a son. I even continue to treat my ex-wife like family, well because we have children together. Whether we like it or not. 

As for homelessness, I spent a few years on the streets. I have far too much insight on this topic & it would just flood this post. But if you need any advice on it feel free to pm me. Though it may not all be useful to you. There are probably some differences between US & UK homelessness. 

Best of luck to you.