I think I need help.

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Juni.per

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I want to start this off by saying though I put this in the 'Depression' sub-forum, I have not been diagnosed with any type of depression or any similar mental disorder.

What I'm really using this for is to get all my thoughts down while I can recall them all at the moment and while I have time to do it. This is basically my life story so far.

I was born and raised on an air force base in south dakota. I can barely remember anything more than a few key events, but I know that I was always a little bit heavier than the rest of the girls in school. But, I thought I was really good-looking and I had loads of confidence so it was never a problem how much I weighed and how I looked to others. I would wear whatever I wanted no matter what it looked like and the whole nine yards. This was how I was up until maybe the end of sixth grade. That was were I was really starting to realize things around me and I noticed that whenever I was talking, unless it was directly to someone, no one would listen despite there being a whole group in front of me. My mind reeled; I thought I had been close friends with everyone. I sat alone for the rest fo the school year and that was the very, very beginning.

At the start of seventh grade I wasn't much different, but I distanced myself from everyone. I was convinced that no one actually wanted to be friends with me and so until they proved that they did I stayed reserved in my own little bubble. At this time, my closest friend had also just moved (which happens a lot on an air force base) and so I had nothing much to do at home either besides sit and play games and such. I found that when I got bored I immediately went to food, and I now realize that's most likely the reason for the next downfall I had. 

In the middle of seventh grade, at a height of maybe 5'2, I shot up to 160 pounds. I didn't even notice at the time; I didn't pay much attention to my looks, but I was still moving into a very shy, reserved bubble. Another thing that presented itself was my now-severe joint problems. I sprained my knee from overuse and had to sit out of gym class for the last, maybe three weeks of school. 

During this time I began thinking a lot of my looks and my weight, and how my thighs stretched the fabric of my leggings to the point that some of the cats on them were unrecognizable (I was a huge fan of patterned leggings at the time, and i still am- but only with ones that actually look right). During a break from school we went to my grandma's house to visit with some cousins that we didn't get to see too often. They are all very healthy and thin- and it only brought me down farther. 

Fast forward to eighth grade, at this point I absolutely loathe myself. This was to the point where whenever I saw my reflection, I had a slight panic attack. At least twice I actually cried because I was so horrified at what I had looked like. Two thoughts were constantly running through my mind, non-stop like a river.

I hate myself and I want to die. 

I want to break off from this to explain another side of the story that did indeed affect everything in a very negative way. To put it simply, my parents are not really there for me. As a child, I was verbally and physically hurt by my older brother almost everyday. I was called ugly, fat, and everything else on a daily basis as well as getting a good amount of punches, kicks, and slaps. My parents must've passed it off as regular ol' sibling rivalry, because instead of really stopping it, they told me to fight back. I felt, and still feel, as if I could not tell them anything about how I really felt. This went on until one day my brother kicked me and made me cry in front of all the kids at my bus stop. That was one of the most humiliating and hurtful moments of my childhood. At school that day, I was completely off from my usual bubbly and bright, talkative personality. I started crying in class so my friends told the teacher and I was sent to the counselor's office. I told her everything, she spoke with my brother, and it hasn't been a problem anymore. 

All I can really say about this is that it took a single serious conversation with my brother and my parents wouldn't even do that.

This is just one example I can give about my careless parents. Another time, right around the time of my greatest drop, I got sick and for months I felt as if I couldn't breathe properly, like I wasn't getting enough air. At least five months, this went on, before my mother finally booked me an appointment and I was treated for walking pneumonia. And later this month will be my appointment to (hopefully) find out why I've had such horrible joint pain for the last three years. It took my mother months of convincing to get me these appointments. As if she can't trust her own daughter when she says she's in serious pain. She's actually asked me for confirmation many times that I really am in serious pain and that it's not just how I'm sitting.

Back to eighth grade, along with my self hatred, I looked for attention and approval from my fellow students. Any kind of attention was good enough for me. I talked to a boy who openly said he wanted me for sex, and even sent explicit photos of myself. I sliced my arms with a razor, just so someone would ask me if I was okay. I would tell self-depreciating jokes to try and get someone to tell me I'm wrong, that I really am good enough. I purposely did bad in my classes to get attention from my parents and all that got me was yelled at and hurt.

Nothing worked for me and at this moment I was considering attempting to kill myself, just to get a bit of attention. From anybody. Day by day I went like this, hating myself deeply and weighing the pros and cons of ending my life, or at least attempting to.

My last in that school I scratched my face out of my own yearbook and at least four others because I hated looking at the picture, and felt terrible knowing other people would see it and remember me with it. 

Summer rolled around and once I was away from the school my mood shifted and seemed to go up and down, especially since I was moving to another state in only a couple months time. I bought clothes that looked better and fit better on me and had fun with my closest friend. Everything was going great, and when I moved and started a new school it stayed like that.

Until now. I've gone back to a few of my habits, and while I'm still better than I was, I'm afraid I'll slam back down like a ton of bricks. I'm not proud of who I was and I don't want to go back to that. I've already tried getting my mom to take me to a psychiatrist for anxiety but she didn't bat an eye.

How do I get help when i have no one to help me?

I'm posting this without any revision so I apologize for any mistakes or any parts that don't make sense.
 
How old are you, Juniper?
Sometimes, parents of young adults chalk things up as "just being a kid/teen/etc. and don't take some things serious enough. "She's just trying to get attention." Especially with cutting or rebellious behavior.
It sounds as though you were moving forward, but you're afraid (and anxious) that you might digress into your previous situation. I think that reaching out for help and support is a good decision. Perhaps you could try once more to have a talk with your parents and see if they will consider allowing you to visit a therapist. Tell them you're afraid that you might fall back into your previous state and you'd like to prevent that. If you're over 18, you might be able to find a community program or support group on your own. If not, there are certainly numerous forums, support groups, etc. online.
Even getting a little support here would be helpful. Congrats on moving forward and I wish you the best in your endeavor to continue to do so. Also, welcome to the forum!
 
More than half of the American population struggles with weight at some point in their lives.

As the father of a teenage girl who never felt "typically beautiful" and suffered with low self-esteem and depression, your post really spoke to me. Each person is beautiful is his or her own way. Never let society define you.

My daughter also struggled with her weight, but has made great strides in losing some of it. More importantly, she came through the low self-esteem and depression and out the other side, stronger, more determined, and absolutely positive that she is beautiful no matter what!

A young girl who was once flunking out, doing drugs, getting in trouble, and feeling suicidal has turned her life around. She is now clean, working toward college, has a job and a car, and is stronger for having gone through it.

You will get there. Just believe in yourself.
 

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