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Mayhem

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Hello, I'm Luke, guess that's a good start. I'm a 38 year old man and I am desperately lonely, the silly thing is I'm married with kids, but I'm still so so lonely. My relationship is difficult, my wife is insecure and this has manifested itself in her being controlling. I grew up with alcoholics as parents and I didn't socialise very well, I hid in the library's at school etc. My hobbies brought me friends, but these have all been driven away or ive had to stop being friends with them as there's always a apparently been something wrong with them. Ive tried to rationalise my life but I am just feeling like I have lost my self. I tried social media, and that just caused more trouble than it was worth, now I feel totally alone, I cannot take part in my hobbies because I'd feel stupid after all the troubles. I feel like I live in a room full of eggshells. I hope I'm not just moaning, I am just so alone.
 
I have heard statistics that say that the loneliest person in your zip code is likely married. It is more lonely to be with people and not be able to connect than it is to just be alone, I think. Welcome in any case!
 
Robin Williams: "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."

Your wife making you feel you're living a life on eggshells? What're the hobbies you miss?
 
Hey Mayhem, welcome to ALL.

My loneliness differs from yours in just about every way, still I think it's important to do your own things, get joy out off something, anything wether it be hobbies, work, exercise or charity. Having a controlling wife will probably make this even harder on you, but I'd advise you to find something joyful anyway.

See you around!
 
My biggest joy was drag racing, I own a fuel altered dragster, it languishes Ina garage nearby, I'm too scared to do anything with it. I was in a good place, had friends, a sponsor, the whole 9 yards, but she took umbrage at it all, in fact it lead to some nasty domestic violence, hence why I'm always on eggshells.
 
Leaving not an option? Or telling her how miserable you are?
 
I did tell her, but it's a difficult place to be, one minute they accept their wrong doings but the majority of the time they continue to blame you, eventually this becomes like a lion tamer and lion situation, fear controls so well. The emotional beatings are worse than physical beatings, bruises heal but the scars on the spirit and the heart don't. The stupid part is that I can see all of this in moments of clarity, yet it's so difficult to do anything about, I was brought up quite old fashioned and I have kids so leaving isn't an option, my kids need their dad. So here I am, like a ship tied to a quay, the storms have battered me and left me listing and damaged, I'm just looking for some friends to pull me To a safe harbour.
 
Mayhem said:
I did tell her, but it's a difficult place to be, one minute they accept their wrong doings but the majority of the time they continue to blame you, eventually this becomes like a lion tamer and lion situation, fear controls so well. The emotional beatings are worse than physical beatings, bruises heal but the scars on the spirit and the heart don't. The stupid part is that I can see all of this in moments of clarity, yet it's so difficult to do anything about, I was brought up quite old fashioned and I have kids so leaving isn't an option, my kids need their dad. So here I am, like a ship tied to a quay, the storms have battered me and left me listing and damaged, I'm just looking for some friends to pull me To a safe harbour.

After reading this, my first thought was to tell you all the "buts" there are.  BUT (yes, there will be one but. lol) I'm not going to do that.  You likely know everything I would say.  I've been in your position, it's not easy.  People don't know how hard it really is until they are in the same situation. 

So, what I will say to you is....if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.
 
Think I somewhat understand what you're going through, Mayham. Exwife & I would verbally & emotionally abuse each other. We wanted to stay together, partly because the kids, partly because what we'd gone through to be together, partly because I simply didn't want to be divorced.

If leaving simply isn't an option, maybe try counselling. We gave it a go & didn't work for us, but we did end things knowing we gave it our best shot to salvage it. You do need to find whatever tiny scraps of happiness you can, though. If you're unable to pursue your hobby exactly the way you want to, try to hold on to what you can, if not other hobbies/interests that fit in better with your current lifestyle.

Being trapped in a bad relationship wears you (both) down, & there's a big risk of falling into a deep, dark depression where everything is gray & hopeless. Hating your life is no way to live. Do it for too long & it will break you.

But yeah, they're friends here. Hope this site helps you.
 
I'm going to second that. My parents stayed together through some really dysfunctional years and it did warp my relationship view for a very long time. Staying together is not always best for the kids.
 
The trouble was kept well out of the way of the kids, and the emotional and physical attacks were entirely one way, I was brought up properly with the help of my granny and I would never raise my hand to a woman. My wife grew up in a violent household so I do understand the way it effects kids, I grew up with alcoholic parents but no violence. I actually mourn the early years of my childhood as I was blissfully happy, it was my adolescent years that were hard. For a long while now all has been quiet on the western front but occasionally I get reminded of the control, I feel like I have lost the person I was. I have an anxiety problem and the whole combination has left me lonely and lost.
 
I'm taking it that the emotional and physical attacks were from your wife and onto you? And it's been successfully kept hidden from the kids? They don't know about it, eh? Well OK if you say so.....but the whole combination has left you lonely and lost with an anxiety problem.

You've ID'd some serious issues that are probably going to keep echoing and ricocheting around the family for years to come if they don't get resolved. Actually getting them in the open is a first step and getting the whole family on board in counseling of some sort is a likely second step. Just my opinion.
 
Mayhem said:
 I can see all of this in moments of clarity, yet it's so difficult to do anything about

Oh, don't I know this feeling all TOO well. I say the exact same thing all the time in my own life, not only dealing with loneliness, but dealing with almost everything. I know what's happening and why, but can't control it. I rather just be ignorant of it all because they say ignorance is bliss. Anyway, I really understand this and I'm sorry you're going through it as well.
 

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