What to do in this case ?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Itgolt

New member
Joined
Feb 9, 2017
Messages
1
Reaction score
0
Hello everybody, im looking for some point of views/advice on this.

Since I was a kid im social awkward, dont know how to make friends nor how to keep those that actually had try to know me. So for all my life I have been a loner and got use to the loneliness to some extend.

So that means I have had a life without much going on, no parties, no girlfriends, no friends, not many travels, not much really, for the last 19 years has been
work > home > menial things > sleep > rinse repeat

Last year at work thanks to some people that somehow help me get out of my caparace I got some looseness and begin to socialize a bit. I finally was goin out more often, at my 32 years had my first's; party with strangers, drinking all night out, waking up with a hangover in a stranger house, and more.

Also I got interested in a girl which was 20 years old and she at least to some extend was interested in me too!

Cool right ? No, why ? because...

Once she was talking about her family and life and very excited until at some point she say "im alway's talking, tell me something about you" I space out, I didn't know what to tell, and beging thinking about stuff, I only manage to mutter what I like and what not, and thats all.

Then she actually shaked me by saying "we have 10 years of diference im sure there are things you can tell me"

So my question is: how exactly should I go about this ? Not about the present but my (lack of) past. I understand what I have (not) done, but for the sake of me I dont know how to explain it to a woman that may ask me this and I have an interest in. 

Like "yeah for the last 19 year's i've just going without paying attention to my surroundings and have spend my time reading, playing vgames and watching tv, want me to tell you the ending of..."

_
Also as I was saying early last year I was going out kinda often, but I never actually manage to socialize (click) with people.

My issue is that every time I did the same, stand there doing nothing beside taking the space. I just feel bad for myself and each time I think  "what I am doing here?", "what can I say?" and "I wanna leave..."

I stoped hanging out, because I was feeling odd, weird, and kinda depressed with myself because even if things where changing I wans't. So I begin wondering if I even want to change, to have friends, to keep experiment with that I do not know, etc. When I realize that being in my confort zone (being alone) is more easy and less traumatic/problematic for me.

That was eight months ago and I have revert to my former self (work > menial stuff > sleep > rinse repeat). 

I do not want to get used to the loneliness again and also I have many issues to deal with physical, mentaly but socialy im at a loss and I have nobody to ask or enough trust to confide in a person to expose myself/fears/ansiety.
 
Hey Itgolt, welcome to the forum.

Maybe when she said "we have 10 years of diference im sure there are things you can tell me" you could of told her stories of the past not exactly personal stories so to say but ones like the days of dial up Internet for example. Not sure if that helps or would help in the future.

The second part I can't help you with as I too am stuck in the same cycle. Somedays I want in, somedays I want out. Maybe the fact you're not alone can offer some form of comfort.

I'm sure the community here will have some very good advice to offer though, so do hang about!
 
Hey Itgolt,

I can relate on this subject as I pretty much went to the same thing, met as girl 11 years younger, I was 31 and she was almost 20 and she already had so much more to say then I did, past relationships, friends, social matters you name it, and I had nothing to say about any off it.

It did freak me out and caused allot of stress and anxiety, I did however tell her from day one the truth about everything, how I am now compared to how I was even a few years before. Things didn't work out because I was unable to move at the pace she desired, however I don't think I would do anything different the next time, you need to be who you are, you can be ok with wanting to change yourself, but make sure you do it for yourself and not because you think it's expected off you.
 
Agree with Losertron. Technology's rapidly changed in the last 15 years. Could talk about the "good ol' days". More generally, when speaking to someone, watch facial expressions/body language to see if they're engaged in the topic. If they look disinterested, change the subject. Or ask them a question.

Draw upon the experiences you do have, though lacking. Have a think, certainly there's things you've done that make interesting stories, though few. You've read alot, you can talk about that. Books that have stayed with you, stories that spoke to you. Could recommend books, but don't over do it. Suggest talking about less obscure ones, to have a better chance of finding common ground.

Another way to have more to talk about, is keep up on current events. Get into the habit of reading newspapers. Try something neutral, though such a thing doesn't really exist. They usually lean one way politically. Paying attention to pop culture gives more potential conversation topics. Reddit's alright for that.

Itgo: My issue is that every time I did the same, stand there doing nothing beside taking the space. I just feel bad for myself and each time I think "what I am doing here?", "what can I say?" and "I wanna leave..."

Have the same thoughts when I'm trying to socalise. Though don't feel bad for myself. It is very difficult to connect with people, especially when it seems everyone else is having such an easy time. One way to improve is practice. Start out small, either one on one, or a couple people.

Understand about comfort zone & pushing yourself. You've a decision to make. Whichever way you go has its own pros & cons. Either opt to stay in the zone & accept you won't have friends. Or, work towards improving yourself & try to connect with others, which is very hard. Unfortunately, the right thing to do & the easy thing to do are rarely the same thing.

If by physical issues, you mean you're out of shape & I understand much easier said than done, but you need to eat healthy & exercise. Going through the same thing. Much rather eat crisps & drink cider than salad & water, watch TV than go for walks, the result is I don't like what I see in the mirror. Take it in small steps, too much too soon & risk relapse.
 
I've had the same sort of experiences. In 2015 my friend circle imploded due to drama and cheating, so I started going to meetups and things to meet new friends. Some of the people I met were 10 years younger than me and like what you experienced, they had so much more going on in their lives than I do. At first it was very awkward and many times I nearly gave up trying to connect with new people. But eventually I learnt from them, how to carry a conversation and how to speak about things that are interesting. Most of the time, people don't really care what others have to say; they have much more fun if they do all the talking. So asking lots of questions usually makes people happy.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top