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MissLonely79

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Hi Everyone,

This is kind of a long vent and I apologize for that, especially being new to the forum and all. I just had to get this off my chest while it was raw and while I had the time to write it. Even if it doesn't help me, maybe it will help someone else in the future and make them feel that they are not alone in how they feel. 



Due to self-esteem issues and basically isolating myself as much as I could for two decades now (ouch), I have decided to try and become more social, especially in the last year. To really give it my all. I started volunteering at a new organization, one I haven't volunteered at before and met a cool friend, however, she doesn't want to become too close. She keeps me at a distance and I haven't figure out why. Does she have trust issues? Is she hiding something she doesn't want me to see? Is our friendship just one out of convenience such as I help her and she helps me type of deal? Or, she really just isn't that interested or respects me enough to care about becoming good friends. We did a lot of volunteering last year together and helped a lot. We made a difference, we make a good team. She is cool, funny, fun and helpful. But, and this is a big but, she tries to control what I say , what I do, how I drive (and that is a no no. You do not tell me how to drive). She is very controlling. She becomes critical real easily. And it sucks. It pisses me off big time. It can literally ruin our time out together because we do hang out sometimes as friends to have fun, or suppose to be fun that is, and it can all be ruined from the second I see her. I've put her in check maybe once or twice and she does back down, but it goes right back to being the same way.

So today we went to a volunteering event and this vent has nothing to do with her, but just being in public around people. There were so many volunteers and people there today and I felt so insecure. So inferior. It hurts even worse when I try to talk to them and then they ignore me. (double ouch). Then me and the friend went back to her house for a minute to smoke, and I was feeling the same way.

So now I am home with all this noise going on in my head. Such as , why I do have to put up with anybody's attitude? Why is there always such a big catch in order  to have a friend? Should I just let her get away with treating me like that? Why do I always feel inferior around a group of people? Why do the ignore me? Is it me? Why can't I be normal? *What is wrong with me*??? Confusion. Anger. Paranoia (lots of paranoia). Sadness.

All of this, for only interacting for less than two hours today, if that and this happens even after a 5 minute social interaction. Playing the conversation over and over and over and over again in my head, asking myself, was what I said stupid? Why did I let her/him get away with talking to me like that? Did he/she just snub me or give me attitude? When is the right time to stand up for myself and am I over reacting? Do they think I'm weird? What do they think of me? 

Then you wonder why I don't socialize then hence, become too lonely? Who wants to feel like this every time they socialize? Not me!


No matter how hard I try to control it, it never changes. I've been forcing myself to be a lot more social this year, as I said and I'm forcing myself to socialize even though I feel this stressed out each and every time. I tried to be strong and wise and council myself and look at it from different point of views but my mind doesn't, does NOT stop doing this. I don't want to feel like this anymore, what do I do?
 
No, you shouldn't let her treat you like that and you don't have to put up with their attitudes. Have you ever discussed this with your friend?

It kind of sounds like you are overthinking everything and possibly trying too hard. Just go with the flow, have fun and don't worry so much about the outcome. It takes time to not blow everything out of proportion, especially when you aren't seeing the fruits of your labor. Keep going out and socializing, don't give up. Each time it will get easier. Take to take a step back and see things for what they are. You are volunteering, you are doing something good for someone. Take pride in that. Whatever happens will happen, but is stressing about everything really helping? Let the friendships take a back seat for a while and just try to have fun. People will see that and be more open to you.
 
Hey Miss-Awesome name-Lonely,

Never apologise for venting here, lots off people do it and just because you're new that doesn't mean you houldn't vent :)

Nothing is wrong with you, I don't have much social interaction myself and know it's very hard to even try and mingle in a room where everyone knows eachother or where lots of little groups hang out and you yourself are all alone. I used to ponder what I was doing wrong, what I could change and do to get through to people. Long story short is that for me nothing works, I can't be someone I'm not and the person I am just doesn't get through easily, that said it's not just my (or yours) fault... People are stuck in their little groups, with their close friends and they don't want anyone nosing their way into that. When you're one on one with someone you'll be able to connect if you try, but groups are very closed off in my experience, even when you have someone who is your in it will still be hard. Thats just my experience on the matter ofcourse!

I would advise taking a long warm bath if you have one, do something that relaxes you and forget them, hard as it may be to let go off!
Don't ponder over what happened or what you should/could have done for too long, it will not change anything except how you feel about yourself!

And on a side note, I think it's awesome you volunteer, it's something you can always be proud off even on your darkest days, the "friend" you made sounds like a bit off a control freak, and it sounds like you are not one to be controlled like that without atleast voicing your opinion, this might be why things haven't progressed, eventhough you both have fun together, she might feel you're too stubborn for her, controlling peopledon't like being challanged like that, unless they are also confrontational people that is :p

Or maybe she is thinking the very same thing, how she always has fun with MissLonely but she never suggest doing anything outside of volunteering (this is ofcourse an assumtion that might not be true!)
 
TheRealCallie said:
No, you shouldn't let her treat you like that and you don't have to put up with their attitudes.  Have you ever discussed this with your friend?  

It kind of sounds like you are overthinking everything and possibly trying too hard. Just go with the flow, have fun and don't worry so much about the outcome.  It takes time to not blow everything out of proportion, especially when you aren't seeing the fruits of your labor.  Keep going out and socializing, don't give up.  Each time it will get easier. Take to take a step back and see things for what they are.  You are volunteering, you are doing something good for someone.  Take pride in that.  Whatever happens will happen, but is stressing about everything really helping?  Let the friendships take a back seat for a while and just try to have fun.  People will see that and be more open to you.

Hi Callie,

I might have touched on it very briefly with her, I try to give her hints for lack of a (better term right now) but no, I've never talked about it with her because I'm afraid it will blow up and will lose the only friend I have right now. However, I would love to talk to her about it. I think about it all the time but I don't know how or where to begin at all with it. I'm really getting tired of her treating me like I am an idiot though, that is for certain.

As for everything else you said, you are right. I need to make myself start focusing more on the good instead of the bad and no, the stressing isn't helping anyone, including me. You would have thought I would have learned that somewhere down the line, but my mind never wants to listen. Anyway, I think I need to give myself more time. It's hard to change. It really is and I need to be more understanding of that. Thank you so much Callie.
 
I think that you have to shift your focus. Go to volunteer to volunteer. Focus on the good you are doing. And, if you interact with some people, simply ENJOY their company for what it is and don't try to turn it into a long term friendship if it isn't meant to be. Most of the time, you will simply enjoy those people while you are doing that activity. When you are not there, then you don't see them. You can have different levels of friends and acquaintances. You might have a "go to the movies" friend where that is all you do together. Or a work out buddy. Or a buddy you volunteer with, etc. You only see them there. But, just enjoy that not everyone has to be a best friend.
As for her being controlling, she isn't your boss. Why are you putting up with that? Not saying you should tell her off. But, just drive your own car without her to get the job done.
 
Hello MsLonely,

Thanks for venting and letting it all out. Overthinking is a very common issue for those of us who are lonely or isolated or anti-social (or all three). I often do this after interacting with others and I just wish I could turn it off!! It's a part of that negative inner talk that we've got too much time to entertain! Like others are saying, you have just got to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. Lower the expectations and don't put too much pressure on that relationship. Keep being social and working on you and you will enter more people's lives for good.
 

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