I have no idea what happened?

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stratamaster78

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Alabama, U.S.
I'll try to make this story as short as possible but the overall theme is that my now ex-gf froze me out/ghosted me out of nowhere and refused to give me any closure.

I met her through mutual friends on Facebook. I live in Alabama and she lives in Brooklyn, NY. (red flag long distance issues I know). But for months we were just 'friends' yet she flirted with me constantly. We transitioned from facebook communication to cell phone texting and also phone calls. Our chemistry was off the charts. We have all the same hobbies and values and sense of humor. Almost mirror personalities to the point that we would sometimes send texts to each other at the exact same time saying the same thing with the same emoji's. It was almost eerie how connected we felt. We could effortlessly talk on the phone for 2-4 hours at a time with NO awkward pauses. She eventually just came out and admitted she 'liked' me as way more than a friend. The texting became more hot and heavy and we decided I should visit her in March of 2016. At this point we had been friends for 6 months and 'more than friends' for an extra 5 months.

So I flew to NYC and spent a week with her there. The whole week was electric. Our feelings were already deep after 11 months of talking every single day, all day long. She told me she Loved me and I said the same. When I got back home from the visit over the next few months she got increasingly intense with me. She started talking about how we were 'Twin Flame' soulmates and that I was her future husband and father of her kids. She talked about working towards us living in the same city as soon as possible.

Then my Mom got very sick during May-July of 2016 and was hospitalized. She came home in August on Hospice and died on August 31st. During that month my then GF sent flowers and offered to come help me take care of her and booked a flight ahead of time to visit me for a week in September here in Alabama. So as it turned out she came here 3 weeks after my Mom passed. But I tried to just enjoy her visit and I felt we had a better week together than even the NYC visit earlier. Things continued to be great after she got back home until around Halloween 2016 a month later. She had an almost nervous breakdown emotionally about how much she missed me and how it hurt to not see me everyday and that she loved me more than anyone ever.

Then literally days later out of nowhere she went from affectionately texting me everyday all day to hardly talking to me at all. I tried talking to her to see if something was wrong and I tried giving her space but nothing made things better. She would just tell me she was working more and didn't have time to talk as much or do anything for that matter. Yet I would see her still constantly chatting with people on Facebook all day and going to Concerts and Clubs and Bars and movies. I tried calling her several times and she just would not answer.

We started having arguments off and on for the 1st time ever about her freezing me out. I finally got so frustrated I told her to just break up with me if she didn't want to be involved with me anymore. But she wouldn't do it. She kept saying she loved me but was busy and I just didn't understand her position. Then on top of all that she was originally supposed to fly back down and spend Christmas with me and/or New Year's 2017. But that changed because she said she was working so much that she couldn't afford to take the time off and come.....But then I find out she's flying to Texas in Late January last month to spend a week with a mutual guy friend we have in Austin TX. This dude is one of my best friends on FB. So of course I'm like WTF is going on?? She tells me the Texas trip was only $90 and she planned it in August whereas flying to Alabama would cost $500. I offered to pay for everything and she wouldn't accept. She wouldn't break up with me still and also claimed to still love me.

I finally had enough a few weeks ago and just blocked her on my phone and facebook after a long texting fight where she belittled and trivialized our whole relationship as only a 'courtship'. This is a women who chased after me.....hard. Brought up marriage talk and kids and soulmates and living together etc. and gets my hopes up for all these great life experiences and just shuns me like a piece of garbage out of nowhere with no explanation. I never could get her to tell me what I did wrong or why she did a complete 180 on me.

She just visited my friend last week in Texas and I have no idea if that was a shady hookup behind my back or if it was innocent and platonic? But I do know she flirts with him now all the time on facebook and has been talking with him constantly on there for months when she 'didn't have time to text me'?

The worst part is for some reason all of our mutual Facebook friends continue to talk to her and be friends with her while they have coincidentally given me the cold shoulder? I did nothing wrong and everyone has seemingly shunned me. Two of them I knew years before even she did. I pm'd them last night just as an innocent 'hello how are you guys doing' and got no response from them even though I can see they read it. But today they had time to talk in length with her??

So what the heck is going on? What the heck happened? We went from being unbelievably close to her just ice'ing me out seemingly from just out of nowhere and for no reason. Yet not only did I lose her but all my other friends too. It's so messed up and I'm completely alone now. My Mom died.....My GF broke my heart into a million pieces......one of my guy friends potentially hooked up with her last week and the rest are on her side or something. I'm devastated and never been this lonely in my whole life ever.

Can any females on here give me some insight? Why would a girl come after me so aggressively, talk to me everyday all day for over a year, invite me to NYC for a week, come see me in Alabama for a week, plan to come back, plan to move here, tell me she Loved me, that I was her soulmate, future husband, and father of children.....and then just bam.....freeze me out and become a completely different person turning everyone against me in the process?? I did nothing wrong honest to god. I'm stunned right now.

Lastly for perspective I'm 38 and she's 36. So it wasn't an age thing. Also the 'intimacy' was dynamite so it wasn't a bedroom problem. So I'm asking for help and advice from anyone? How can I get over this and find closure. It's like a heart breaking mystery I will never solve. I can hardly sleep at night stewing over everything trying to figure it out.
 
bleed_the_freak said:
Some chicks are sluts. I think you found one.

You're so to the point I almost got a little dizzy.


I can understand her behavior until the iceing you. The pain of being in a long distance relationship can be very tiring, the frustration might have made her shun you out - my assumption would be that she was trying to figure out if she could still be apart from you, but not entirely giving up on the relationship. After that... well, she was a cunt.
By the way, I don't think you should truly call those your friends - specially the dude that knowing the situation asked her to go see him, that was just weird.
 
DarkSelene said:
bleed_the_freak said:
Some chicks are sluts. I think you found one.

You're so to the point I almost got a little dizzy.


I can understand her behavior until the iceing you. The pain of being in a long distance relationship can be very tiring, the frustration might have made her shun you out - my assumption would be that she was trying to figure out if she could still be apart from you, but not entirely giving up on the relationship. After that... well, she was a cunt.
By the way, I don't think you should truly call those your friends - specially the dude that knowing the situation asked her to go see him, that was just weird.
Well the thing there is that she 'says' she just planned the trip in August on her own whim because she's been to TX before and wanted to visit again. At that time everything was fine between us and she was coming to visit me in Sept. Plus she says she wanted to take the TX trip because she had made new Facebook friends there she wanted to meet for the 1st time.

She said she was just going to couch surf from one visit to the next visiting the different friends. My 'friend' was supposed to just be one of those pitstops where he let her stay 1-2 nights out of hospitality. But I found out she stayed at his place all week long. For all I know he might not have made pre-mediated devious plans and she just came on to him when she got there. Or after I broke up with her maybe she decided to just screw him guilt free for a week. Or maybe nothing happened. I'll never know. I'm contemplating asking/confronting him about it though.
 
Do you want more reasons to agonize in the misery of it all? Do you think they still have any credibility? Because I wouldn't really trust the answers to those questions to be truthful. Try to turn the page and don't lose sleep over this anymore.
 
Maybe she's scared of emotional intimacy and sabotages things when she lets someone get too close. Or maybe she just never meant any of the thing she said.
 
DarkSelene said:
Do you want more reasons to agonize in the misery of it all? Do you think they still have any credibility? Because I wouldn't really trust the answers to those questions to be truthful. Try to turn the page and don't lose sleep over this anymore.

^ this
 
First, condolences to you on your mom's passing.

I tend to agree with Paraiyar's response. I wouldn't call some woman I don't know a "slut" and since it sounds like you still have feelings for her, you're probably not inclined to call her that either.
But flaky? Sure, she could be one of those people that changes their mind on a dime when something or someone they perceive as better comes along. There are a lot of flakes out there, unfottunately. Mind you, that's not your fault, if that's the case here.

So what to do? Give e it time and try to focus on family and friends that you know will support you. And unfriend her from facebook, you'll only make yourself feel worse by checking up on what she's doing.
 
DarkSelene said:
Do you want more reasons to agonize in the misery of it all? Do you think they still have any credibility? Because I wouldn't really trust the answers to those questions to be truthful. Try to turn the page and don't lose sleep over this anymore.

Well I would just like the truth. I would rather have and could handle the brutal truth easier than soothing lies.....or in this case absolutely no answers at all. But you are right in that's it's unlikely for me to ever get the truth.

In any case I just can't find closure. I'm a very cerebral analytical person who relies on logic and it drives me crazy for things to not make sense......or have the necessary information myself to solve the problem. It's hard for me to just shrug my shoulders and go 'oh well' when I invested a year and a half of my life on her with her chasing me and making all kinds of promises and then her behavior makes a 180 degree turn and she bolts on me with no explanation. I wish I could just turn the page but the way my brain works won't allow it.

I contacted my two closest friends from Facebook last night to let them know what's going on and if they could talk to me about it all. I've know them for 6 years and they are married with a kid. They have been friends with my now EX the last few years as well. They said they have known me longer and have my back 1st and foremost, which was a relief. The 3 of us are going to talk tonight on the phone or skype and I'm hoping his wife can give me the female perspective here on why a woman would do such things to me. She says she knows all the different things that women pull that can confuse a guy. So here's hoping it's a productive call.


Paraiyar said:
Maybe she's scared of emotional intimacy and sabotages things when she lets someone get too close. Or maybe she just never meant any of the thing she said.

Those are two credible theories on the surface absolutely. But I know she's had long term relationships with people before and even lived with a person a few years. So it's not like she hasn't had a serious stable relationship before.

As for just not meaning anything she said.....well I guess that could very well be true. But it just makes no sense. She talked to me nonstop for 18 months everyday. She pursued me in the whole relationship. Encouraged me to fly to NYC to see her and then was relentless about coming to see me here in August/Sept when my Mom was on her deathbed. In all my personal physical interactions with her in person she was sweet and warm and loving. Then it just changed like someone flicking a light switch. It's like she literally transformed into a different person. I just don't know what to make of it.
 
SofiasMami said:
First, condolences to you on your mom's passing.

I tend to agree with Paraiyar's response. I wouldn't call some woman I don't know a "slut" and since it sounds like you still have feelings for her, you're probably not inclined to call her that either.
But flaky? Sure, she could be one of those people that changes their mind on a dime when something or someone they perceive as better comes along. There are a lot of flakes out there, unfottunately. Mind you, that's not your fault, if that's the case here.

So what to do? Give e it time and try to focus on family and friends that you know will support you. And unfriend her from facebook, you'll only make yourself feel worse by checking up on what she's doing.
Thank you very much....yeah it's been a rough time.

Yeah that' s the thing I can't really berate her or call her names because despite myself I still love the person I knew prior to her just 'flaking' out on me so to speak. If I hated her it would be easier to move on probably.

That's good advice. I do admit it gets to me even more by seeing her online activity through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and such. I'm actually talking to my closest two friends on the phone tonight about it all. They are a married couple. Hoping the wife can give me some extra insight. They have both been friends with the girl too.

Thank you for the insight and tips.
 
Oh, that's good you have friends that have your back and are willing to listen and offer advice. Frankly, they will.probably have far better advice for you than any of us here.
Love and logic don't always go well together. I'm sure you want to make sense of it all but there's a chance you'll never get a satisfactory answer on why you were ghosted. At best, you might get some insight into yourself and then be able to move on.
 
TheRealCallie said:
She had relationships and lived with a guy....that doesn't mean stable, that doesn't mean things were shitty and thus made her cautious going forward.

That may very well be true. But she has never shown 'caution' with me. When we began interacting I purposely went slow and tried to play things 'cool' to not rush things too fast. In my own past I've been guilty of that and scared girls off.  So I was trying to learn my lesson.

But this time I was being pursued. She initiated each and every step up the ladder of our relationship levels without caution. With seemingly complete belief she was convinced and determined that I was 'The One' for her. That I was her soulmate. We connected so well that I let my own guards down and fell for her deeply. But I still remained 'level-headed' to not scare her off. She continued by saying with absolute belief I would be her husband and father of her children. I believed her and had hope that 'wow I've finally found my wife'.

If anything I would say she was reckless by making promises that ultimately went unfulfilled. She got my hopes up for so many things and then just froze me out for reasons I will never understand. I know most guys will say 'I didn't do anything wrong'......but honest to god I literately didn't do anything wrong.
 
In any situation the previous posts laid out she was selfish and a coward, in my opinion she doesn't deserve any mercy. She didn't acknowledge your feelings or what the relationship meant to you - she didn't think about you at all. I can understand wanting to make sense of things but I'd advise you to start by going one step further in the closure path, because if you end up more confused it's not going to help. Other than that, I'm glad you have the support of close friends and hope you get through this with your head held high and no remorse. Don't let this bad experience spoil the possibility of future relationships, but be more careful about who you let in your life and who you trust.
 
DarkSelene said:
In any situation the previous posts laid out she was selfish and a coward, in my opinion she doesn't deserve any mercy. She didn't acknowledge your feelings or what the relationship meant to you - she didn't think about you at all. I can understand wanting to make sense of things but I'd advise you to start by going one step further in the closure path, because if you end up more confused it's not going to help. Other than that, I'm glad you have the support of close friends and hope you get through this with your head held high and no remorse. Don't let this bad experience spoil the possibility of future relationships, but be more careful about who you let in your life and who you trust.

I agree with this. Actually during one of our final text communications I called her a 'coward'. That was the only negative thing I ever said to her. I felt like she was forcing my hand to break up with her because she didn't want to be 'the bad guy' so to speak and have the guilt.

I've had no contact with her for about 3 weeks even though it's killing me inside. I probably need to take it a step further and block her everywhere online so I can't see or know what she's doing. Then get rid of any mementos and gifts she gave me and throw away the pictures of us together. It's just too painful dwell on all of it all the time.

I guess going forward I need to exercise more caution and keep things more local and not get swept up in something long distance/online.
 
stratamaster78 said:
I've had no contact with her for about 3 weeks even though it's killing me inside. I probably need to take it a step further and block her everywhere online so I can't see or know what she's doing. Then get rid of any mementos and gifts she gave me and throw away the pictures of us together. It's just too painful dwell on all of it all the time.

I guess going forward I need to exercise more caution and keep things more local and not get swept up in something long distance/online.

The radical approach certainly works faster and if you took 3 weeks to decide on getting rid of everything about her I wouldn't say it's impulsive.

I advocate long distance relationships for personal reasons and I've had healthy/balanced ones that were worth it, but you should reflect on what works best for you and be open to future possibilities. It's easy to get discouraged when you go through an experience like this, but don't forget that those are exceptions of dysfunctional people, don't let her ruin that part of your life completely.
 
Caution and deceit are two different things. Caution and treachery are two different things. I wouldn't call anything this girl has done to you "cautious", rather I'd say it was deceitful and treacherous.

I'd next her ... like ... yesterday.
 
[Update]

She broke non contact by texting me last night. I had not heard from her in 3 weeks. After talking with 2 friends the night before and reading an article about non contact to heal and move on I re-blocked her on Facebook to not see her activity. So she sent me these texts...

"Blocked me again.......Happy Valentines Day"
"Plus love to know how I ****ed you over"
"But, hope you've been well..."
"It's 9:45...have a great night..."

So what's that? Breadcrumbs?? I probably should not even texted her back but the timing and passive aggressiveness and the gall of it all was to much to resist. So this was my reply back to her.

"If you'd like to call me, I'd be more than happy to calmly discuss anything you want and answer any questions you have....I won't however have a back and forth text session with you. Tone and context is lost and discussion doesn't stay on target. So if you really want to talk...call me"

I then saw the little (dot dot dot) moving on Iphone messenger displaying she was typing something.....it kept going for a few minutes but she never sent a reply.....nor like I figured did she ever call me last night.

So obviously she didn't want to talk bad enough or really want her answer right? What was the point of even texting me?
 
Yes, they were breadcrumbs. She is a game player and you are the game. You've been warned (by someone who's been down that road several times).
 
I haven't read any responses, so please forgive me if anything I say has already been said and/or explained. I am a 36 female and from my point of view. It seemed like she couldn't wait any longer. I was reading your story, and I truly felt the love you had for this girl, except I kept waiting for you to mention how exactly you were going to make living next or with each other possible, but you never did. I know you said she was the one who was going to make the move, but what were you sacrificing is where I am trying to go with this. Know what I mean? This is where I felt uncertain in your story, And maybe, just maybe, she felt the same way and maybe she couldn't take it anymore?

Again, forgive me for assuming anything, I don't mean too and I am pressed for time but you did ask for a females point of view and that was the first thing that popped into my head, so I gave you my point of view. I apologize in advance if I assumed anything wrongly.


stratamaster78 said:
The worst part is for some reason all of our mutual Facebook friends continue to talk to her and be friends with her while they have coincidentally given me the cold shoulder? I did nothing wrong and everyone has seemingly shunned me. Two of them I knew years before even she did. I pm'd them last night just as an innocent 'hello how are you guys doing' and got no response from them even though I can see they read it. But today they had time to talk in length with her??
 
The only thing I can think of, and honestly, I'm probably wrong about this, but maybe they know she's cheating on you and they can't face you? But that's messed up that they can talk to her no problem. That is very messed up. I would like to know why they aren't talking to you either. If you ever find out, let us know, keep us updated. Did you ever just think to come out right and ask any of your friends, why?
 

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