Should a single guy trust single moms?

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roy1986

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Hi,

I had a bit of an argument with 1 of my buddies with regards to a woman who started to get me interested.
well, at first I played along but because she has a child, I decided to not pursue it any further.

My buddy asked me why and when I told him, he said that I have serious trust issues with people.
Well, I don't know about that, But I do know for a fact that If I get together with a mother, whether or not 
we would have been together if it wasn't for her child, would probably always cross my mind.

How about you, would you try with a woman who has a child?
 
Just because she has a child doesn't mean you have to be that child's father. Chances are, that child already has a father, even if he's a shitty father.
And honestly, if you are meant to be with someone that has a kid, you would make it work. It's not the child's fault. I know a guy who swore up and down for years that he would never get involved with a woman who has kids....He's now married to a woman with a child that isn't his. So it doesn't matter what a woman has or doesn't has, what matters is how you connect with her, how you mesh with her.

I think the question should be, not whether she has a child or not, but rather why that child scares you away.


Of course, it's your right to decide whether you want a ready made family because it can be difficult and I would never judge a person for choosing not to go that route.
 
Yeah. It's not a big deal. My extended family is nearly all women (cousins) and id say like 4-5 of them are with someone who helps them raise their kid that isn't the guys. They get a long well. If anything I think the girl would appreciate you more and not want to fresia it up. Single moms dont have it easy in the dating market. Most guys scared away.
 
I love kids, I want kids, it wouldn't be an issue for me. The only problem I'd have is getting attached to the child(ren) and if it didn't work out. Been there done that, don't want to do it again. Also there would be the issue on what type of parent she was, everyone has their own parenting style but if she's the type of "kids will be kids" and let them run amok kind of parent that is a huge turn off. If I'm going to get involved with someone who has kids the kids have to come first and not be seen as a burden on her life. Been there too, don't want that again either.

I don't see how her having kids would be a trust issue though. There isn't much information there why your buddy said you have trust issues. Someone having a kid isn't about trust, trust is if you feel someone might be keeping something from you or not being open and honest about what they are looking for in a relationship. Unless they lied about having kids, then that would be a trust issue. I'm a little confused on how trust plays into what you presented.
 
It's not for everyone. Be informed and if things get serious, you and the mother need to sit down and talk about expectations. I can't stress that enough. Read up on step parenting and blended families. Do these things before you become attached to mother or child. It can make the difference between a happy family and a miserable one.
 
If your hang up is about wanting to be with a woman with no children, you're dating pool is going to be very narrow. The problem in the dating world, especially the further away from the teen years you become, are that most of the single women have children.  And just because someone is a mom, doesn't necessarily make them more or less trustworthy.  I've dated single moms in their mid 30's who were partying and playing mind games, and using guys just like teen girls do.  I have been at times astonished at the immaturity and irresponsibility of some of the single mom's I've had the "privilege" of dating.  The children dynamic, that's a very big piece that goes with the package. And if you are not willing to absorb them into your life, it definitely will cause relationship problems. It's a case by case basis regarding children too, and when dating a single mom, at some point you are going to need to see how and where the children are in their level of respect and behavior.  Out of control behavior, disrespectfulness, special needs..... all these things can be very real parts of a relationship package.  Going into a single parent relationship one needs to keep an open mind, it's an investment that you will be making, if you're able to. It is going to require energy, consistency, it's going to require a genuine desire to be a part of a family.  You can't just have the girl, and erase the rest. In my own experience, I've had a mixed bag of luck regarding making the choice to invest.    

Back to your trust issue, I'm glad you're focusing on that because it's a waste of precious time to do the above investment, unless you're with someone who is trustworthy, someone who actually cares and loves you back. Anything or anyone other than that, you are in for a roller-coaster ride with hurt and confusion. And the big "if" - if and when you do find someone worthy, then you will need to honestly evaluate yourself and your ability to invest before you take that step and involve the children.  If you're willing to invest in the right situation, it's very rewarding.
 
EveWasFramed said:
It's not for everyone. Be informed and if things get serious, you and the mother need to sit down and talk about expectations. I can't stress that enough. Read up on step parenting and blended families. Do these things before you become attached to mother or child. It can make the difference between a happy family and a miserable one.

^ Exactly what Eve said. So as you can already see from the mixed responses here. You have to think about how you feel about it and if you're ready to embark on something like this. It really is not for everyone, sometimes it's tough cos you like the woman so much but you may not be ready for a child in relationship or your life.... it's crucial not to make decisions based on feelings alone or be in denial that you can be okay with it if you're actually not. It'll come back biting you in the ass later on down the road.
 
First ask if you can honestly reconcile yourself to helping raise another man's children instead of your own. You're not necessarily an ******* if the answer is 'no'. And like someone said, a parent who doesn't enforce boundaries around their children's behaviour should be colossal red flag.
 
I personally think that's a silly reason to not date somebody. Most single mothers I know are independent & don't want a "new father". They just want some company. It can be lonely raising a child by yourself. But I'll admit, I'm at work so I didn't read the whole post. So you may have said that she admitted to wanting a father for the child. In which case I understand you reasoning.
 

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