MissLonely79
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- Feb 7, 2017
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[font=tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Hello all, this is a very long vent , that's why I put in the title "extremely long vent" lol. I just needed to get this off of my chest. Like a diary entry. Thank you.[/font]
[font=tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]First thing is first, just because I don't have multiple young children does not mean I am not busy in my life. I paid my dues when it comes to motherhood. I had my one and only child at 16 and her father died when she was 4 and was never in her life before that. I had an extremely hard 18 years raising her. NO one helped me but my grandparents but even then , they could only help so much. The burden of meeting her needs rested on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. I went to school, graduated and worked very hard. It was goddamn hard to do it all on my own. Period. I don't really have to go into the details of what being true single mom entails. No child support. No survivor benefits. Nothing. No co-parent. Nothing. I was very over protective of my daughter and she of course went through hell as well. Living in poverty with one parent because the other parent committed suicide is no where near easy. In her teen years from 12-18, I had to crawl to the deepest parts of hell and help her battle every one of her demons (who were incredibly strong and scary) to save her from destroying her own life because she was on a really BAD path. I went down all the way to the bottom of that hell, picked her up, threw her on my back and carried her all the way back up to the top, with a (my) body and mind that was broken and weak. It took me many years to do that and many fights to get my daughter out of that dark hell and just to be "okay". I was left with battle scars, high blood pressure and I'm sure the whole ordeal of keeping my daughter on the up and up, meaning: keeping her away from drugs, hanging with the wrong people and not wind up pregnant, shaved years off of my life because she , in her naive teenage mind, fought me every single step of the way with fierceness, anger and rage due to all of her childhood pain. She was hell bent on destroying her life (I'm crying as I write this) and I fought like hell because I refuse to let her do it and there was a lot of prices to pay for that because all her anger, was directed at you guessed it , mommy. I was the enemy. I couldn't even blink. I had to stay on top of her 24/7. I gave up whatever life I had left, no romantic partners, no friends, no nothing and dedicated my soul existence to saving my daughter. I never gave up and I never let her give up on herself. She is 20 years old now, and while she is not in college, she is stable, has worked for the last 4 years, she isn't on drugs and she pays her own bills. She has never gotten pregnant. Even though she still has a way to go, I am extremely proud of her. She is doing really well and better than she think she is (she's always down on herself). She's a good person, with a great heart, smart and creative, works hard (her bosses love her), pays her bills, pays her taxes. What more can a mother ask for? I'm soooooo proud of her! Statistics say that any child of a teen mother (which I was) has great chances of becoming a drug addict, teen mother herself or prison bound. None of that happened and I worked hard as hell to prevent any of that. She still struggles with great depression and she still has some issues but I push her (and I know when not to push her) and most of all, she pushes herself. The credit of where she is today, really lies with her because she has done things and over came things, that I still have not and cannot do. She has worked extremely hard. She amazes me every day. She inspires me and teaches me great things. I just wish she knew and believed that and realize I'm not just saying that because I am her mom. [/font]
[font=tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Now the point of my vent. I am 36 years old now, my daughter is 20 years old and has her own life. I am now trying to take a little R&R. The problem with having "A lonely life" is that there are always new people coming into your life so they don't know your story. They judge you on the here and now. I have a few people in my life, including a new friend (2 years now) that give off the strong impression that they don't believe I have anything to do. They still have young kids and they are extremely busy and just because I'm not zooming off to a thousand different places, school, daycare, sports, dinner time, WHATEVER, does NOT mean I'm not busy in my own life. I have been there and done that with way LESS than what they have! I PAID MY DUES! The point of ALL of this is, I am NOT here at your beck and call. It is NOT my fault that you were almost done raising yours until you got pregnant all over again at 37 years old with a man you only knew for 3 weeks! Now your 40, raising a teen with problems (just like I had) AND now a 3 year old who sadly has autism and I am very, very sorry for that. I love your daughter to pieces and do whatever I can for her. However, NONE of that, NONE OF IT, is MY fault. I made sure not to ever get pregnant again because I knew I could not do it! I set up my life this way. So, please Do NOT get mad at me because I don't pick up my phone when you call because I am busy doing things. I'm busy. I have a life to lead and a household to run and you are a great multi-tasker, you can take care of kids, run your household, and talk on the phone all day but unfortunately, I am not that smart I guess and nor do I have the energy! I need to focus on the things that I am doing (which means I can't be on the phone all the time) or they won't get done. I have medical issues, BIPOLAR and other stuff going on. [/font]
[font=tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]This isn't a vent just about her though. Everybody in my life thinks I have it so freaking easy and therefore, I should drop everything for them and when they say as well. SCREW YOU. I'm done with that. None of you were there to help me with anything while I was raising my kid. Everyone disappeared and if I dared even gave the appearance of demanding any of their time, they would cut me out of their life just like that. So yeah, I'm pretty sure you all would have been JUST like them. You all weren't there to help me. So here is the deal. I AM there for you all most of the time. You all have a **** great friend in me and y'all know it, but be very, very careful, because I will NOT allow you to take advantage of me. I will cut you out of my life just like that. I'm tired of it. I REFUSE with the greatest arrogance I can muster, to EVER feel guilty about myself again because you all "think" I have it easy and you all think I "don't do anything all day" pffffffffffffftttttttt. Are you serious????You can't be serious right? That is the constant under hand remarks and impressions I get from everyone, especially when their own kids say something and you know **** well they are just repeating what their parents are saying. That's when it becomes a serious problem for me. Talking serious crap about me, eh? In front of your kids no less, eh? Sounds a little bit like jealousy to me. Guess what though, I will not apologize for having extra free time because I don't have any young kids running around. I will not apologize because I don't have such a high demanding life like you all do. I can actually sit down and read a book with no interruptions. Omg, I'm such b*tch! The horror! I guess because I have bits and pieces of free time, I'm never busy or have anything to do of importance! <imagine biggest eye roll ever>. This is the problem with new people coming into your life. They will never see all you been through. What you accomplished. Your struggles. Just your story in general. They don't know you been there and done that a thousand times and with the bare minimum! Lots of people are not capable of any deep thinking, realizing, that I did raise a daughter, when they can see her with their own eyes! Did they think I birthed a 20 year old and she just came out of an easy bake oven like that??? Lol. Anyway, I will enjoy my moments, best believe that and I will not be sorry or feel guilty for it in the least. I will even toast those moments in your name
I can't even express how strongly I feel about this. I will not be a doormat any longer. [/font]
[font=tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]First thing is first, just because I don't have multiple young children does not mean I am not busy in my life. I paid my dues when it comes to motherhood. I had my one and only child at 16 and her father died when she was 4 and was never in her life before that. I had an extremely hard 18 years raising her. NO one helped me but my grandparents but even then , they could only help so much. The burden of meeting her needs rested on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. I went to school, graduated and worked very hard. It was goddamn hard to do it all on my own. Period. I don't really have to go into the details of what being true single mom entails. No child support. No survivor benefits. Nothing. No co-parent. Nothing. I was very over protective of my daughter and she of course went through hell as well. Living in poverty with one parent because the other parent committed suicide is no where near easy. In her teen years from 12-18, I had to crawl to the deepest parts of hell and help her battle every one of her demons (who were incredibly strong and scary) to save her from destroying her own life because she was on a really BAD path. I went down all the way to the bottom of that hell, picked her up, threw her on my back and carried her all the way back up to the top, with a (my) body and mind that was broken and weak. It took me many years to do that and many fights to get my daughter out of that dark hell and just to be "okay". I was left with battle scars, high blood pressure and I'm sure the whole ordeal of keeping my daughter on the up and up, meaning: keeping her away from drugs, hanging with the wrong people and not wind up pregnant, shaved years off of my life because she , in her naive teenage mind, fought me every single step of the way with fierceness, anger and rage due to all of her childhood pain. She was hell bent on destroying her life (I'm crying as I write this) and I fought like hell because I refuse to let her do it and there was a lot of prices to pay for that because all her anger, was directed at you guessed it , mommy. I was the enemy. I couldn't even blink. I had to stay on top of her 24/7. I gave up whatever life I had left, no romantic partners, no friends, no nothing and dedicated my soul existence to saving my daughter. I never gave up and I never let her give up on herself. She is 20 years old now, and while she is not in college, she is stable, has worked for the last 4 years, she isn't on drugs and she pays her own bills. She has never gotten pregnant. Even though she still has a way to go, I am extremely proud of her. She is doing really well and better than she think she is (she's always down on herself). She's a good person, with a great heart, smart and creative, works hard (her bosses love her), pays her bills, pays her taxes. What more can a mother ask for? I'm soooooo proud of her! Statistics say that any child of a teen mother (which I was) has great chances of becoming a drug addict, teen mother herself or prison bound. None of that happened and I worked hard as hell to prevent any of that. She still struggles with great depression and she still has some issues but I push her (and I know when not to push her) and most of all, she pushes herself. The credit of where she is today, really lies with her because she has done things and over came things, that I still have not and cannot do. She has worked extremely hard. She amazes me every day. She inspires me and teaches me great things. I just wish she knew and believed that and realize I'm not just saying that because I am her mom. [/font]
[font=tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Now the point of my vent. I am 36 years old now, my daughter is 20 years old and has her own life. I am now trying to take a little R&R. The problem with having "A lonely life" is that there are always new people coming into your life so they don't know your story. They judge you on the here and now. I have a few people in my life, including a new friend (2 years now) that give off the strong impression that they don't believe I have anything to do. They still have young kids and they are extremely busy and just because I'm not zooming off to a thousand different places, school, daycare, sports, dinner time, WHATEVER, does NOT mean I'm not busy in my own life. I have been there and done that with way LESS than what they have! I PAID MY DUES! The point of ALL of this is, I am NOT here at your beck and call. It is NOT my fault that you were almost done raising yours until you got pregnant all over again at 37 years old with a man you only knew for 3 weeks! Now your 40, raising a teen with problems (just like I had) AND now a 3 year old who sadly has autism and I am very, very sorry for that. I love your daughter to pieces and do whatever I can for her. However, NONE of that, NONE OF IT, is MY fault. I made sure not to ever get pregnant again because I knew I could not do it! I set up my life this way. So, please Do NOT get mad at me because I don't pick up my phone when you call because I am busy doing things. I'm busy. I have a life to lead and a household to run and you are a great multi-tasker, you can take care of kids, run your household, and talk on the phone all day but unfortunately, I am not that smart I guess and nor do I have the energy! I need to focus on the things that I am doing (which means I can't be on the phone all the time) or they won't get done. I have medical issues, BIPOLAR and other stuff going on. [/font]
[font=tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]This isn't a vent just about her though. Everybody in my life thinks I have it so freaking easy and therefore, I should drop everything for them and when they say as well. SCREW YOU. I'm done with that. None of you were there to help me with anything while I was raising my kid. Everyone disappeared and if I dared even gave the appearance of demanding any of their time, they would cut me out of their life just like that. So yeah, I'm pretty sure you all would have been JUST like them. You all weren't there to help me. So here is the deal. I AM there for you all most of the time. You all have a **** great friend in me and y'all know it, but be very, very careful, because I will NOT allow you to take advantage of me. I will cut you out of my life just like that. I'm tired of it. I REFUSE with the greatest arrogance I can muster, to EVER feel guilty about myself again because you all "think" I have it easy and you all think I "don't do anything all day" pffffffffffffftttttttt. Are you serious????You can't be serious right? That is the constant under hand remarks and impressions I get from everyone, especially when their own kids say something and you know **** well they are just repeating what their parents are saying. That's when it becomes a serious problem for me. Talking serious crap about me, eh? In front of your kids no less, eh? Sounds a little bit like jealousy to me. Guess what though, I will not apologize for having extra free time because I don't have any young kids running around. I will not apologize because I don't have such a high demanding life like you all do. I can actually sit down and read a book with no interruptions. Omg, I'm such b*tch! The horror! I guess because I have bits and pieces of free time, I'm never busy or have anything to do of importance! <imagine biggest eye roll ever>. This is the problem with new people coming into your life. They will never see all you been through. What you accomplished. Your struggles. Just your story in general. They don't know you been there and done that a thousand times and with the bare minimum! Lots of people are not capable of any deep thinking, realizing, that I did raise a daughter, when they can see her with their own eyes! Did they think I birthed a 20 year old and she just came out of an easy bake oven like that??? Lol. Anyway, I will enjoy my moments, best believe that and I will not be sorry or feel guilty for it in the least. I will even toast those moments in your name
I can't even express how strongly I feel about this. I will not be a doormat any longer. [/font]
