Oh boy, the things loneliness makes you do...

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

MissLonely79

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2017
Messages
87
Reaction score
0
So I have this friend, that I met online. She lives on the opposite side of the country from me. I never met her in person, but we have talked for extremely long period's of times over the phone for almost 2 years now. She was my phone buddy. We know a lot about each other and are pretty close.  When she's not crazy (explained below), she is a pretty cool person and a pretty awesome friend. 

Problem:

She is very mentally unstable. Just period, end of story. Nothing more and nothing less. She is mentally ill, and quite frankly, she scares me sometimes.

Anyway, we had a few arguments over the time we have known each other, that lasted in a few months of non-communication. She can get pretty nasty and viscous when she gets mad and over the smallest things too. At a certain point in our friendship, I had come to decision that I would never actually fly out to meet her. I will never meet this person in real life. She scares me. The things she has said to me just via the telephone, tells me that I don't want to ever meet her. So I just kept her as a good phone friend and to be honest, I think she was totally fine with that. She loves to blab just as much as me.

We stopped talking 6 months ago due to another argument. She ask for my friendship again a week ago and I let her back in. When  you're so lonely, especially with your severe depression, you beg for a distraction. Some company. Someone to talk to. It is desperately needed so you are not constantly alone with your thoughts, your racing thoughts. And when she is not being psycho, she is really cool and super fun to talk to and most of all, a great ear and a great advice giver.

I figured the distance would keep me safe and allow me to have someone to talk to when I needed it but , I'm still scared of this woman. I don't know if I am being too paranoid or what, but I learned to listen to my gut instinct. Normal people don't say the things she says. Anyway, she is starting up that psycho part of her again and it's really bothering me. However, my depression has lessen since I started talking to her and that's really a good thing. My depression will probably never go away or be fully cured, but I do know they can get to a manageable place. There are levels of depression and I like to try to keep them low as possible. But, it's like Im trading depression for paranoia with her and paranoia sucks very badly. 

I don't know. Any insight would help, but I do just appreciate being able to vent.
 
Let her go for good. Just cut her out of your life. I don't see any other solution.
 
MissLonely79 said:
So I have this friend, that I met online. She lives on the opposite side of the country from me. I never met her in person, but we have talked for extremely long period's of times over the phone for almost 2 years now. She was my phone buddy. We know a lot about each other and are pretty close.  When she's not crazy (explained below), she is a pretty cool person and a pretty awesome friend.... 

Hi Miss. I can understand where you're coming from. Honestly, I'm extremely curious as to what kind of things she has said. If you're at a point where she scars you, then you should probably leave her alone. I realize that she's a country apart from you, but never underestimate the ingenuity of insanity. 

I understand how hard it can be to not have anybody to connect with. I think we all can relate to that, since we're all here. But company & conversation isn't worth "dancing with the devil". 

As for depression, managing it is always good, but never give up on trying to make it better. I battled worn it for years, near & after the end of my marriage. It was a long hard fight but eventually I defeated it. It turned out that my depression was stress related. I stressed over my failing marriage. Stressed over caring for a child with autism. I especially despised how the world treated me as a stay at home father. I was constantly being treated like a lazy piece of honeysuckle. Then I would see these same people encounter stay at home mothers & treat them like saints. "being a mom is a full time job (see. even my word prediction knew how I was going to finish "being a mom is..." but not for "being a dad is...") This left me thinking," oh but it's when I do it???". 

One of the key things is learning how to identify YOUR thoughts from your depression's thoughts. Group therapy also helps. This place is sort of like group therapy. Except there are some really negative people here that would definitely be bad to talk with. They'll just fan the flames of negativity. Even diet can cause depression. Drink coffee? It doesn't help. Depending on where you live, you can most likely get help with it. Free of charge. 

Anyway, I feel like I'm ranting & should probably go to bed now. Hope my opinion helps. Jane a good night/day.
 
Hi Nilla, thank you so much for taking time out to comment. It means a lot.

Very good advice. I agree that distance doesn't safe guard me and because of that, I never let myself become too comfortable with her, it's best not to dance with the devil. But can I really stay away from her? Can I really do it? I always promise myself I will stay away from someone or something no matter how lonely I get, but sometimes, the loneliness wins. It is extremely powerful.


"I'm extremely curious as to what kind of things she has said"


It would take me a long time to write and it will start triggering my paranoid thoughts again if I try to remember them and write them.


"As for depression, managing it is always good, but never give up on trying to make it better. I battled worn it for years, near & after the end of my marriage. It was a long hard fight but eventually I defeated it. It turned out that my depression was stress related. I stressed over my failing marriage. Stressed over caring for a child with autism. I especially despised how the world treated me as a stay at home father. I was constantly being treated like a lazy piece of honeysuckle. Then I would see these same people encounter stay at home mothers & treat them like saints. "being a mom is a full time job (see. even my word prediction knew how I was going to finish "being a mom is..." but not for "being a dad is...") This left me thinking," oh but it's when I do it???"."

I'm so sorry Nilla. I understand all of this more than you think. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.
 
MissLonely79 said:
Hi Nilla, thank you so much for taking time out to comment. It means a lot.

Very good advice. I agree that distance doesn't safe guard me and because of that, I never let myself become too comfortable with her, it's best not to dance with the devil. But can I really stay away from her? Can I really do it? I always promise myself I will stay away from someone or something no matter how lonely I get, but sometimes, the loneliness wins. It is extremely powerful.


"I'm extremely curious as to what kind of things she has said"


It would take me a long time to write and it will start triggering my paranoid thoughts again if I try to remember them and write them.


"As for depression, managing it is always good, but never give up on trying to make it better. I battled worn it for years, near & after the end of my marriage. It was a long hard fight but eventually I defeated it. It turned out that my depression was stress related. I stressed over my failing marriage. Stressed over caring for a child with autism. I especially despised how the world treated me as a stay at home father. I was constantly being treated like a lazy piece of honeysuckle. Then I would see these same people encounter stay at home mothers & treat them like saints. "being a mom is a full time job (see. even my word prediction knew how I was going to finish "being a mom is..." but not for "being a dad is...") This left me thinking," oh but it's when I do it???"."

I'm so sorry Nilla. I understand all of this more than you think. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.




Thank you for your kindness. It was horrible at the time but in hindsight, I'm glad it all happened. It all has made me a stronger person, though a bit cynical. 

It can very difficult to cut off contact with someone, even from the Internet. I recently cut off all contact worth a female friend of mine that, sadly, I've known for 5 years now. But we were unhealthy for each other. I believe that we were just using each other to fill a void. We both craved attention from the opposite sex. So we found that in each other. But the fact remains that we're a world apart & the chances of us getting together was nonexistent. Even now, just talking about her makes me want to contact her. I should probably delete her contact info. 

Okay I mean it this time I'm really going to bed this time. Goodnight.
 
NillaWiggs said:
MissLonely79 said:
Hi Nilla, thank you so much for taking time out to comment. It means a lot.

Very good advice. I agree that distance doesn't safe guard me and because of that, I never let myself become too comfortable with her, it's best not to dance with the devil. But can I really stay away from her? Can I really do it? I always promise myself I will stay away from someone or something no matter how lonely I get, but sometimes, the loneliness wins. It is extremely powerful.


"I'm extremely curious as to what kind of things she has said"


It would take me a long time to write and it will start triggering my paranoid thoughts again if I try to remember them and write them.


"As for depression, managing it is always good, but never give up on trying to make it better. I battled worn it for years, near & after the end of my marriage. It was a long hard fight but eventually I defeated it. It turned out that my depression was stress related. I stressed over my failing marriage. Stressed over caring for a child with autism. I especially despised how the world treated me as a stay at home father. I was constantly being treated like a lazy piece of honeysuckle. Then I would see these same people encounter stay at home mothers & treat them like saints. "being a mom is a full time job (see. even my word prediction knew how I was going to finish "being a mom is..." but not for "being a dad is...") This left me thinking," oh but it's when I do it???"."

I'm so sorry Nilla. I understand all of this more than you think. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.




Thank you for your kindness. It was horrible at the time but in hindsight, I'm glad it all happened. It all has made me a stronger person, though a bit cynical. 

It can very difficult to cut off contact with someone, even from the Internet. I recently cut off all contact worth a female friend of mine that, sadly, I've known for 5 years now. But we were unhealthy for each other. I believe that we were just using each other to fill a void. We both craved attention from the opposite sex. So we found that in each other. But the fact remains that we're a world apart & the chances of us getting together was nonexistent. Even now, just talking about her makes me want to contact her. I should probably delete her contact info. 

Okay I mean it this time I'm really going to bed this time. Goodnight.




Yes. Like filling a void. You're exactly right. And have a great sleep my new friend. Goodnight.
 
I understand completely too. For some reason it is hard to give up some of these online/phone things, especially if you are bored, depressed and lonely.. but if she scares you, you really should stop. I'm sure you know that already.....
 
Been there, done that, shouldn't have. In my experience when it comes to people like that you are best to just let it go and keep them at arms length. Being alone is better than being wrapped in some drama which causes you stress. All you do is worry about if you'll say something that will set them off and tip toe around on egg shells. It's just not worth it. I've done this too many times. There is someone I've known since a kid who pushed things too far. I didn't speak to this person for years, then decided to just let it go and try to be friends again. I forgot how much of a drain this person can be, they will be polite and ask how you are but then will start complaining about how bad their life is and how lucky you are. Nothing is ever positive with them and they seem to always want people to know it. I try to stay clear of this person now. They drag your day down.
 
I understand your issue, having had to cut off a friend that I knew in person that scared me because of her negativity and behavior. It can be hard, as when depression worsens, you think that just giving the person another chance will do the trick, but you've got to muster the strength to cut this person off. Block her everywhere if necessary. Find other outlets of distraction. It's not worse risking your safety for.
 
In this situation, the only person who can take care of you, is you. She's not gonna bother when she's in one of her mad episodes and it'll only leave you feeling hurt and sad. Eventually, that might turn into resentment.... stop yourself from getting there for your own sanity and sake, as well as hers. There are some friendships or interactions that just... don't go well and are not compatible in various ways. That doesn't mean she's bad or you're bad.. it's just not a good combo.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Been there, done that, shouldn't have.  In my experience when it comes to people like that you are best to just let it go and keep them at arms length.  Being alone is better than being wrapped in some drama which causes you stress.  All you do is worry about if you'll say something that will set them off and tip toe around on egg shells.  It's just not worth it.  I've done this too many times.  There is someone I've known since a kid who pushed things too far.  I didn't speak to this person for years, then decided to just let it go and try to be friends again.  I forgot how much of a drain this person can be, they will be polite and ask how you are but then will start complaining about how bad their life is and how lucky you are.  Nothing is ever positive with them and they seem to always want people to know it.  I try to stay clear of this person now.  They drag your day down.

Hi Scifi, exactly and yes, just like your ex friend, she pushes things too far. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of stuff would he do to push things? She will also dump things on me from her life that are so outlandish in just one sitting, every time we talk. If I were a younger, maybe I would be able to tolerate it a lot more, but getting older, the things people can tell you about their life can really stress you out


Missingthesun said:
I understand completely too.  For some reason it is hard to give up some of these online/phone things, especially if you are bored, depressed and lonely..  but if she scares you, you really should stop.  I'm sure you know that already.....

Thank you and I know I should cut off our friendship. I guess one of the major things that keeps me in it is because I don't if it's just me. Am I being too paranoid? Am I taking the things she says the wrong way? Am I over reacting? That's the part that sucks the most. Not knowing and not knowing keeps you in the friendship.


ladyforsaken said:
In this situation, the only person who can take care of you, is you. She's not gonna bother when she's in one of her mad episodes and it'll only leave you feeling hurt and sad. Eventually, that might turn into resentment.... stop yourself from getting there for your own sanity and sake, as well as hers. There are some friendships or interactions that just... don't go well and are not compatible in various ways. That doesn't mean she's bad or you're bad.. it's just not a good combo.

True, you're right. You're very right. That might actually be a really good thing to say too in case I get ready to end our friendship with her. Thank you.
 
MissLonely79 said:
So I have this friend, that I met online. She lives on the opposite side of the country from me. I never met her in person, but we have talked for extremely long period's of times over the phone for almost 2 years now. She was my phone buddy. We know a lot about each other and are pretty close.  When she's not crazy (explained below), she is a pretty cool person and a pretty awesome friend. 

Problem:

She is very mentally unstable. Just period, end of story. Nothing more and nothing less. She is mentally ill, and quite frankly, she scares me sometimes.

Anyway, we had a few arguments over the time we have known each other, that lasted in a few months of non-communication. She can get pretty nasty and viscous when she gets mad and over the smallest things too. At a certain point in our friendship, I had come to decision that I would never actually fly out to meet her. I will never meet this person in real life. She scares me. The things she has said to me just via the telephone, tells me that I don't want to ever meet her. So I just kept her as a good phone friend and to be honest, I think she was totally fine with that. She loves to blab just as much as me.

We stopped talking 6 months ago due to another argument. She ask for my friendship again a week ago and I let her back in. When  you're so lonely, especially with your severe depression, you beg for a distraction. Some company. Someone to talk to. It is desperately needed so you are not constantly alone with your thoughts, your racing thoughts. And when she is not being psycho, she is really cool and super fun to talk to and most of all, a great ear and a great advice giver.

I figured the distance would keep me safe and allow me to have someone to talk to when I needed it but , I'm still scared of this woman. I don't know if I am being too paranoid or what, but I learned to listen to my gut instinct. Normal people don't say the things she says. Anyway, she is starting up that psycho part of her again and it's really bothering me. However, my depression has lessen since I started talking to her and that's really a good thing. My depression will probably never go away or be fully cured, but I do know they can get to a manageable place. There are levels of depression and I like to try to keep them low as possible. But, it's like Im trading depression for paranoia with her and paranoia sucks very badly. 

I don't know. Any insight would help, but I do just appreciate being able to vent.

Hi there, I'm not sure if this helps but there should be healthy boundaries in any kind of relationship. I'm not sure what had been the conversation between you and this friend but if the conversation between you and her has crossed certain line, then it might be good to let her know that you are uncomfortable that she is reacting a certain way and it makes you feel anxious. 

I'm sorry to learn that you are coping with depression as well. It might be good to talk to a counsellor or a therapist whom can offer you ways to cope with intense emotions and racing thots. I believe that the friendship between you and that girl is genuine. However, it may be good to seek professional help in helping you to cope with your depression as your friend may not be trained in this area of expertise. Hope this helps. Keeping you in my prayers!
 
nightingale77 said:
MissLonely79 said:
So I have this friend, that I met online. She lives on the opposite side of the country from me. I never met her in person, but we have talked for extremely long period's of times over the phone for almost 2 years now. She was my phone buddy. We know a lot about each other and are pretty close.  When she's not crazy (explained below), she is a pretty cool person and a pretty awesome friend. 

Problem:

She is very mentally unstable. Just period, end of story. Nothing more and nothing less. She is mentally ill, and quite frankly, she scares me sometimes.

Anyway, we had a few arguments over the time we have known each other, that lasted in a few months of non-communication. She can get pretty nasty and viscous when she gets mad and over the smallest things too. At a certain point in our friendship, I had come to decision that I would never actually fly out to meet her. I will never meet this person in real life. She scares me. The things she has said to me just via the telephone, tells me that I don't want to ever meet her. So I just kept her as a good phone friend and to be honest, I think she was totally fine with that. She loves to blab just as much as me.

We stopped talking 6 months ago due to another argument. She ask for my friendship again a week ago and I let her back in. When  you're so lonely, especially with your severe depression, you beg for a distraction. Some company. Someone to talk to. It is desperately needed so you are not constantly alone with your thoughts, your racing thoughts. And when she is not being psycho, she is really cool and super fun to talk to and most of all, a great ear and a great advice giver.

I figured the distance would keep me safe and allow me to have someone to talk to when I needed it but , I'm still scared of this woman. I don't know if I am being too paranoid or what, but I learned to listen to my gut instinct. Normal people don't say the things she says. Anyway, she is starting up that psycho part of her again and it's really bothering me. However, my depression has lessen since I started talking to her and that's really a good thing. My depression will probably never go away or be fully cured, but I do know they can get to a manageable place. There are levels of depression and I like to try to keep them low as possible. But, it's like Im trading depression for paranoia with her and paranoia sucks very badly. 

I don't know. Any insight would help, but I do just appreciate being able to vent.

Hi there, I'm not sure if this helps but there should be healthy boundaries in any kind of relationship. I'm not sure what had been the conversation between you and this friend but if the conversation between you and her has crossed certain line, then it might be good to let her know that you are uncomfortable that she is reacting a certain way and it makes you feel anxious. 

I'm sorry to learn that you are coping with depression as well. It might be good to talk to a counsellor or a therapist whom can offer you ways to cope with intense emotions and racing thots. I believe that the friendship between you and that girl is genuine. However, it may be good to seek professional help in helping you to cope with your depression as your friend may not be trained in this area of expertise. Hope this helps. Keeping you in my prayers!

Thank you so very much.
 
So it's been a couple weeks I think since I last posted about this. I wanted to give an update. One of the posters was right. Crazy can reach across the country. She is messing with my life in a very serious manner. I wanted to let her go earlier but I couldn't find a way without pissing her off. Now she has found something to dig her claws into me. It's my fault. I should have never let her back in my life. Words can't express my anger towards this crazy lady who thrives on drama and trouble. She is a serious trouble maker. Furthermore, she is almost 41 folks. Don't let age fool you, crazy comes in all ages, shapes and sizes, just fyi. She is a very toxic person. I can't focus on any of that right now though. I am in damage control mode. I actually had to turn my phone off, suspend my service, so when you call my phone it says my phone number is no longer available or whatever message the phone company uses. I am going to tell her I lost my phone and only communicate with her via email. This is going to piss her off beyond belief no matter what good excuse I come up with. Now she is going to try extra hard now to get me to call her; meaning, she is going to try to start honeysuckle in my life so I call her.  The only thing I can do is weather the storm. You cannot give these people full power over you. I can't just pacify her because it would take entirely too much time and now that she found something to effect my life in a very bad way, whenever she finds that power, she will feed off it like a vulture and become a huge monster. She doesn't stop. So I can't just diffuse her when she gets like this. The only thing I could do is entirely shut my phone down and just feel her wrath and pray it's not too bad. What else can I do? She knows a lot of personal things about me and can use them all against me to fresia up my life and I am at the point where I don't care. Go ahead, tell the world all my secrets on facebook and youtube because that's the kind of honeysuckle she does. She will find your family and friends on facebook. She will tell all she knows and on top of it , make up lies. There is no stopping her. I seen her do this to people first hand. I just don't care anymore. I want her gone.  Say and do what you want lady, but just get the hell out of my life you crazy *****! The bad thing is, this excuse will only last so long. I plan on telling her I won't be able to get another phone until the 1st of April. That's as much time as she will believe. So then I am going to have to come up with something else. However, I am not going to focus on that right now. I'm just glad I was brave enough to do this. I am going to miss a lot of important calls probably but this is the only way I see out at the moment.  She is a lonely woman and apparently starting drama and trouble is more important to her than having a good friend and I don't understand why. She went way too far this time.
 
But you are giving her power. She has power and control over you because she "forced" you to shut down your phone. You are essentially putting your life on hold because of her.

Have you considered overpowering her power play? Would that be something you are capable of?
 
TheRealCallie said:
But you are giving her power.  She has power and control over you because she "forced" you to shut down your phone.  You are essentially putting your life on hold because of her.  

Have you considered overpowering her power play?  Would that be something you are capable of?

Hi Callie,

I know, you are right. She still has power even if I do that and that's fine. She can have all the power. I just want her to leave me alone.   To answer your questions, this woman is actually very smart, not to say that I am stupid, but she is pretty smart and what she trumps me on is energy. For a 41 year old single mother with 2 kids and health issues herself, this woman has energy like I've never seen. She LOVES to fight, so if I even dare say something that sounds like fighting words to her, she will start a war with me and I don't have the energy for that and even if I did, I don't think I could beat her. This is what she lives for and I am the complete opposite. I am a peace maker. Don't get me wrong, I get mad and I can put my foot down but she is the type of woman to never stop.


Sorry it took me a minute to reply. I was editing my original post.


Even after all she did, there still is a part of me that doesn't want to let her go because I am so ******* lonely. That's the messed up part.
 
By the way, I don't know if I mentioned this, but I did buy a tracphone , so I am not without a phone.
 
"Crazy" and "mentally unstable" phone buddies are not a safe therapy method for depression.
 
It wouldn't take being smarter than her to overpower her power play. You said she knows some personal things about you. How bad are these personal things?
I think right now it comes down to is having her making you miserable and controlling you worse than the damage control of whatever she knows?

And yeah, I get that you don't want to be lonelier than you are now, but look at what it is costing you to remain friends with her?
 
How bad are they? If she ever released them, it would be absolutely mortifying. It's a lot of stuff about my family and friends (more like acquaintances/friends) basically. I vent a lot about them to her. However, will it be the death of me? No. So that's why I am not worried too much about that. What I am worried about right now is much more serious. I mean, I don't want to bore anyone with the details, but if you want to know, I have no problem telling. The point is, she actually really crossed the line with this most recent incident and until I figure out exactly what I am going to do, I just shut my phone down. She might still have control over me but in a way she doesn't because now she can't call me multiple times a day with her bizarre stories and fake crisis and then pry into my life and try to run it and control it from there. The most recent incident, the reason I just shut my phone down, will fuel her like, I can't find the right comparison; like an evil Disney villain, where they go from being bad to worse. Picture Jafar from Aladdin at the end of the movie when he wants all the power and turns into that monster......that is my friend. If I don't shut her down right now, she will take this and run with this. She has been licking her chops since she met me to get something like this on me and I was very careful not to let her, until now. I knew one day it was going to happen and it did. I am ashamed of myself. I don't even want to think about it.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top