How to escape the cycle of Fear of Rejection?

All my life I've gotten into the same routine and I have no idea how to break it. This is a system I've fallen into since my earliest school memories of first grade and has followed me up to this point in college. 

The system is 1. Go long periods of time with little to no social contact and become desperate for attention 2. Realize I need to change and spend time trying to find a friend who understands me 3. Spend some time in glorious heaven where my depression has left, my loneliness is gone, and everything in the relationship is fine and blossoming 4. Remember the loneliness I used to feel, realize that this person is the single factor between happiness and that unwanted reality, and start losing that happiness out of worry 5. Despite all efforts to ignore that fear, the anxiety becomes overwhelming and leaves me in a constant state of despair. Start pushing that person away with constant need for validation 6. Realize I am pushing them away and ultimately end the relationship myself to regain some sense of control 6. repeat cycle with extended period of isolation.

It sounds so incredibly silly and toxic, and it is, but I just don't know how to fix this. The anxiety associated with rejection is the same as ANY anxiety in that you know how irrational your fears are, you KNOW that the relationship is fine and the other person accepts you, but the fear becomes so incredible that ending the relationship is actually more comfortable than dealing with the fear of the other person leaving you. I'm torn knowing that I always end up hurting the people I love because of my own insecurities, but I'm always so lonely that I get into friendships anyways just to get by. 

Are there any suggestions for how to get out of this state of mind? I feel like it's an issue of self-hate, because I just can't seem to rather that anyone would want to stick around with me. I'm always convinced they will leave as soon as I stop being a fun and interesting person.

You have to find a way to be content and happy to a reasonable degree when you are alone. If you overcome your morbid fear of being alone and not receiving attention then the vulnerability of friendships shouldnt stress you out as much.

Dont make the mistake of devaluing who you are, while increasing the value of those around you.

Meditate about your positive qualities and abilities. You have endearing qualities that attract good people. It doesnt matter if some people dont appreciate your personal qualities and abilities. That doesnt make them any less impressive or worthy of praise. You have just as much to be proud about as anybody else out there. Be confident in the person you have grown up to be. Do not judge yourself based on the attention or praise you get from others. Be the judge of yourself. As a judge you must be honest and fair. If you are worth gold, but see yourself as coal, are you being fair with yourself? \

Can relate to all of that.

Most people want validation whether they admit it or not. It's just that some get to take it for granted.

Of course you should try to avoid the mindset of basing your entire self-worth on what others think, as much as possible, but it's unrealistic to expect not to be affected by it at all. Some will disagree but I don't think complete detachment from caring is really an achievable goal (or even a desirable one)

Maybe not focus so much on one person though. It's inevitable that you'll become paranoid if they are 'it', and it does come across in your post like an unhealthy sort of attachment.

michael2 said:

You have to find a way to be content and happy to a reasonable degree when you are alone.  If you overcome your morbid fear of being alone and not receiving attention then the vulnerability of friendships shouldnt stress you out as much.

Dont make the mistake of devaluing who you are, while increasing the value of those around you.

Meditate about your positive qualities and abilities.  You have endearing qualities that attract good people.  It doesnt matter if some people dont appreciate your personal qualities and abilities.  That doesnt make them any less impressive or worthy of praise.  You have just as much to be proud about as anybody else out there.  Be confident in the person you have grown up to be.  Do not judge yourself based on the attention or praise you get from others.  Be the judge of yourself.  As a judge you must be honest and fair.  If you are worth gold, but see yourself as coal, are you being fair with yourself?  \

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Easier said than done yknow? A while back I realized the first step had to be raising my self confidence, but I just don't know how to do that. Without someone validating me, making me feel loved and needed, I feel like I'm NOT validated, loved, or needed. It wears out my self esteem little by little. 

Do you have any suggestions on how to gain more confidence in yourself?

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ardour said:

Can relate to all of that.

Most people want validation whether they admit it or not. It's just that some get to take it for granted.

Of course you should try to avoid the mindset  of basing your entire self-worth on what others think, as much as possible, but it's unrealistic to expect not to be affected by it at all. Some will disagree but I don't think complete detachment from caring is really an achievable goal (or even a desirable one)

Maybe not focus so much on one person though.  It's inevitable that you'll become paranoid if they are 'it', and it does come across in your post like an unhealthy sort of attachment.

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Yeah, true, I guess I forget that sometimes. I just can't stop seeing it as a burn when others complain about things like their boyfriend not texting them back within a couple hours, when I feel like that sort of situation would cure my loneliness. Or at least put it to ease a LOT. 

I've been working up the confidence to build a whole circle of friends instead of focus all my efforts, and all my vulnerability and love, on one single person. I think that might be a big reason why others don't go through such an intense stage of panic- having other people to fall back on makes the prospect of losing just one person much easier to handle, and no longer a "win all or lose all" scenario. Having casual acquaintances that evolve around small talk every now and then has always struck me as totally insufferable and unsatisfying, but I suppose I can't have my cake and eat it too. Baby steps need to be taken in order to get to some level of trust and a closer bond.

I asked the same question to my grandfather, he said, "Man up" and something very effective but I can't say thatl here.

Tijopi said:

michael2 said:

You have to find a way to be content and happy to a reasonable degree when you are alone.  If you overcome your morbid fear of being alone and not receiving attention then the vulnerability of friendships shouldnt stress you out as much.

Dont make the mistake of devaluing who you are, while increasing the value of those around you.

Meditate about your positive qualities and abilities.  You have endearing qualities that attract good people.  It doesnt matter if some people dont appreciate your personal qualities and abilities.  That doesnt make them any less impressive or worthy of praise.  You have just as much to be proud about as anybody else out there.  Be confident in the person you have grown up to be.  Do not judge yourself based on the attention or praise you get from others.  Be the judge of yourself.  As a judge you must be honest and fair.  If you are worth gold, but see yourself as coal, are you being fair with yourself?  \

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Easier said than done yknow? A while back I realized the first step had to be raising my self confidence, but I just don't know how to do that. Without someone validating me, making me feel loved and needed, I feel like I'm NOT validated, loved, or needed. It wears out my self esteem little by little. 

Do you have any suggestions on how to gain more confidence in yourself?

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I dont want to be one of those people who tell you 'get more confidence'.  Because I know that doesnt work.  And the people saying it usually havent a clue what we are going through, they've probably been validated by others constantly throughout their life.  I have never had anyone outside my family value me.  And I think people really need to be valued by the opposite sex especially, something I have never experienced.  It has been devastating to say the least.

  The suggestions in my original post is what I did recently in order to bring my confidence up to a level that isnt bottoming out all the time. 

Nobody may be validating, loving, or needing us right now.

 But this is the key:   That does not mean you arent deserving or worthy of validation, love, and needing.

Its the feeling that you arent deserving these things which is hurting you the most, not the absence of them.  The absence of them can make you sad, feeling you dont deserve them can crush a person.

I know this because I went through my 20s without my self esteem bottoming out.  But at 30 someone showed interest in me (I still have my doubts due to low self-esteem). I realized the longer I went without being 'validated' by someone (especially a member of the opposite sex)  the more and more I started to feel something was wrong with me, that I was lacking considerably.  Because it seemed everyone else had boyfriends and girlfriends or got married but here I was, so many years without a single date.  To make it worse I went and got another certification but was constantly rejected in interviews.  It seemed nobody cared for or wanted me.  My self-esteem crashed.

A couple of weeks ago I realized I had built up the value of other people while lowering the value of myself.  I put way too much emphasis on people validating me.  Its normal and every human's right to feel validated, loved, and needed by someone.  But if you are not getting it dont make the mistake of thinking you arent worthy of it.

In the original post I talked about truly looking at who you are as a person - look at all the positives of your personality, as well as any skills and abilities you may possess.  Think about all the places you want to go, the things you want to do, all the original thoughts and ideas you might have come up with.  These things make you an unique, interesting individual.  There are people out there who will love you for these things.  You just havent come together yet.  You have to trust and believe in this.  And then you will be confident.

Tijopi said:

Having casual acquaintances that evolve around small talk every now and then has always struck me as totally insufferable and unsatisfying, but I suppose I can't have my cake and eat it too. Baby steps need to be taken in order to get to some level of trust and a closer bond.

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The small talk is still providing a social outlet and "proof" that you are likeable enough to some (a form of validation), however unsatisfying you might find it.

You're right- it isn't so much about gaining that love then it is feeling like I deserve it, as it pertains to gaining confidence. But the cycle I mentioned in my original post is what makes it difficult. As soon as I gain that love from someone, it's my belief that I don't deserve that love that makes me push that person away and be truly alone again. I completely understand you with idolizing others as well. I do this often, putting everyone else on a higher pedestal for being able to obtain that endless flow of validation that they always seem to take for granted, while I struggle at what seems like the most rudimentary level of being human. Meanwhile I put myself in some sort of subhuman category, outside of everyone else and incapable of making a difference in anyone else's lives. 

I know that it's wrong and my first mistake is believing they're not like me, or have their own problems, probably with other people. I never seem to be able to forgive myself for my own faults, but always forgive others for theirs. 


Thanks for writing "you haven't come together yet" because I'm so used to hearing people say "you are loved" or 'you must have somebody.' Just family, but that's a family bond and doesn't do much to help loneliness. It feels better knowing that others would accept me if I had an opportunity to meet them. It hurts that I feel I have no way of accessing them, but in the past I've built incredibly strong relationships and I know I'll find someone else..eventually.

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ardour said:

Tijopi said:

Having casual acquaintances that evolve around small talk every now and then has always struck me as totally insufferable and unsatisfying, but I suppose I can't have my cake and eat it too. Baby steps need to be taken in order to get to some level of trust and a closer bond.

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The small talk is still providing a social outlet and "proof" that you are likeable enough to some (a form of validation), however unsatisfying you might find it.

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Yeah I know, but it's frustrating going through those kinds of motions when I'm so anxious and ready to go to the next step immediately. Especially since I'm terrible with small talk until I've gotten to know the other person, but it's always step 1.

Sometimes I feel like I've been pushed into a corner all my life, cant help but feel I dont deserve what has happened to me, that it is in no way fair.

But it got me thinking - this is our challenge in life, our adversity that we have to overcome. Our social issues is like someone having a bad disease or handicap that they have to struggle with everyday, which makes, as you put it, rudimentary levels of being human difficult. Its normal to feel down about the situation from time to time but you have to keep fighting. Yes its not fair and at times depressing we have to work harder to obtain certain things that others might take for granted, but the key is its still possible for us.

Dont beat yourself up over your struggles, just keep looking for ways to improve yourself. To help me continue going I keep imagining a family in my mind thats telling me 'You have to find us'. It helps me visualize a better future for myself, even though currently there is no evidence of one. But that does not mean there eventually will be, as long as I dont give up.

Just remember its a war, with many battles - dont get too upset over any failures, learn from them and use it to your advantage the next time such a situation arises. I really wish you the best.

Yeah, it gets more frustrating because I don't think people who aren't as secluded and lonely as me take my problems as seriously. For some reason, it's a light issue to them. 
Sometimes I read stories or watch videos about people who really do have rough lives, like they're highly obese or have an addiction problem or some odd quirk or mental disability. But then they almost always mention how they "wouldn't be able to get through this if it weren't for my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend." Or worse, "All I have to support me is my husband/wife and family." And that kind of stings too and makes me think how even someone who's going in and out of jail with a heavy addiction problem who initially comes off as extremely difficult to love will still find someone who supports them anyway. I know it's conceited to ignore what they, or even people in my own life, have to deal with, but as soon as they mention having what I've so struggle to obtain since my earliest memories, I get so bitter about everything all over again. 
Sorry if I'm sounding like a broken record here, I'm just trying to air out some of this frustration. 

That's something else that I've found that actually does help- I imagine someone out there just as lonely as me, or maybe not as lonely but they also think of me when they're alone. Someone to share everything with and be loving with. I often frame it as me coming in to 'save' someone from themselves, but in reality it would probably be the opposite. Best case scenario, we would save each other. In past friendships, I've always been so desperate to bring the other person to the highest state of happiness possible that I sacrificed myself in the process. I want to figure out how to balance myself and learn to not get overly excited at th prospect of being loved. 
I've been incredibly fortunate to have experienced some extremely close friendships before and I have no idea where I'd be without tme serving as examples. Examples that those types of relationships are possible and in reach... to me, I know that someone is out there, but they're disguised as normal laymen and I have to figure out how to find them.

You get use to it after so many years. I'm 42 now and have been rejected my whole life. Now I don't even try anymore.

Personally, you have to develope a thing called outcome independence. In other words, take a chance, and if you get rejected, oh well, it's their lost. Personally, despite knowing about this, I don't even try interacting with most people, mainly because I have trust issues, kinda happens when you've been backstabbed and thrown under the bus so many times. I'm cold towards most people anymore, if by off chance, they give me a reason to, I'll open up to them a little bit, but it's a rare occurance anymore.

sbm1990 said:

Personally, you have to develope a thing called outcome independence. In other words, take a chance, and if you get rejected, oh well, it's their lost. Personally, despite knowing about this, I don't even try interacting with most people, mainly because I have trust issues, kinda happens when you've been backstabbed and thrown under the bus so many times. I'm cold towards most people anymore, if by off chance, they give me a reason to, I'll open up to them a little bit, but it's a rare occurance anymore.

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I've heard that's the best way to overcome social anxiety. I've been taking that approach, but I've been doing it submissively. So far I haven't tried to start a conversation myself, mostly because I don't know what to say or what people usually talk about. It's a hard process and I keep trying to tell myself it can't hurt me. 

Also, I don't think I've met anyone who hasn't been backstabbed by someone. Most people I meet tell me to be conscious of this and never put full trust in anyone. I agree with this to a certain extent, but I don't think anyone ever means to do harm. If they do, I think it's their way of dealing with their reality, or their situation. Most people's actions can be figured out if you delve deep enough into their issues. I say this because it saddens me when people can't put trust in others due to past experiences- I don't think there's any such thing as seeing people for their "true colors" after they've done something, as if all your previous experiences with them have been fake. I know I'm extremely naive, but I find this view helps me get along better

I can emphasise with this to a degree. It seems that no matter how long I've known my friend, the slightest thing can make me call into question the entire friendship. Say if they take a long time to reply to a phone call of mine, I feel convinced that they don't like talking to me anymore. There's almost always a voice at the back of my head saying how irrational this is, but this never makes the anxiety go away.

Have you looked into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy at all? It seems the ideal way to approach this kind of thinking.

I can totally relate with you. I used to go for long stretches of time without socialising, then push myself to do so, have some positive experiences, and then the fear of socialising would creep back in and I would hate myself for falling back into isolation. It's like I only socialised when the pain of being alone was too unbearable, but I couldn't make it my default.
The truth is that the process of making it your default is not instant and it requires you to accept yourself and your feelings. To not judge them and to act even if you don't feel like it. You go back into your old habits because you hate yourself so much for being afraid (which you are not in control of) that you become paralysed and you think everyone else can see how "terrible" you are.
Self understanding and self monitoring is beneficial to a degree, it can lead to needing your internal state to always be perfect and whenever it is not perfect you go into meltdown. But you are not in (complete) control of this internal state, it fluctuates and that is ok.
I wrote the book "Assertiveness: Build Confidence, Earn Respect and Take Control" (kindle store) to explain the process of how to become more self confident and secure and the logic behind it.

JDerrington said:

I can totally relate with you. I used to go for long stretches of time without socialising, then push myself to do so, have some positive experiences, and then the fear of socialising would creep back in and I would hate myself for falling back into isolation. It's like I only socialised when the pain of being alone was too unbearable, but I couldn't make it my default.
The truth is that the process of making it your default is not instant and it requires you to accept yourself and your feelings. To not judge them and to act even if you don't feel like it. You go back into your old habits because you hate yourself so much for being afraid (which you are not in control of) that you become paralysed and you think everyone else can see how "terrible" you are.
Self understanding and self monitoring is beneficial to a degree, it can lead to needing your internal state to always be perfect and whenever it is not perfect you go into meltdown. But you are not in (complete) control of this internal state, it fluctuates and that is ok.
I wrote the book "Assertiveness: Build Confidence, Earn Respect and Take Control" (kindle store) to explain the process of how to become more self confident and secure and the logic behind it.

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Interesting, I don't have a kindle or time to read much lately, could you copy paste some of the helpful bits from your book about this topic perhaps so I could get the maximum out of it, while investing the minimum amount of time finding what I need! thanks 

i dont have this problem, i just avoid it....i already know nobody wants to be my friend or gf so whats the point of trying.

jovanovic said:

i dont have this problem, i just avoid it....i already know nobody wants to be my friend or gf so whats the point of trying.

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That's really gloomy jovanovic.....although I've been like that myself.....but it isn't living, it's a form of non-living,,,,not death but a limbo. 
Just my opinion.
Taking the risk with people is worth it.

Tijopi said:

All my life I've gotten into the same routine and I have no idea how to break it. This is a system I've fallen into since my earliest school memories of first grade and has followed me up to this point in college. 

The system is 1. Go long periods of time with little to no social contact and become desperate for attention 2. Realize I need to change and spend time trying to find a friend who understands me 3. Spend some time in glorious heaven where my depression has left, my loneliness is gone, and everything in the relationship is fine and blossoming 4. Remember the loneliness I used to feel, realize that this person is the single factor between happiness and that unwanted reality, and start losing that happiness out of worry 5. Despite all efforts to ignore that fear, the anxiety becomes overwhelming and leaves me in a constant state of despair. Start pushing that person away with constant need for validation 6. Realize I am pushing them away and ultimately end the relationship myself to regain some sense of control 6. repeat cycle with extended period of isolation.

It sounds so incredibly silly and toxic, and it is, but I just don't know how to fix this. The anxiety associated with rejection is the same as ANY anxiety in that you know how irrational your fears are, you KNOW that the relationship is fine and the other person accepts you, but the fear becomes so incredible that ending the relationship is actually more comfortable than dealing with the fear of the other person leaving you. I'm torn knowing that I always end up hurting the people I love because of my own insecurities, but I'm always so lonely that I get into friendships anyways just to get by. 

Are there any suggestions for how to get out of this state of mind? I feel like it's an issue of self-hate, because I just can't seem to rather that anyone would want to stick around with me. I'm always convinced they will leave as soon as I stop being a fun and interesting person.

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Sounds like you need to go out of your way to find more than one friend who understands you at once so you don't push all that intensity onto one person.

Same here :/