I want to "fit in" somewhere but I just don't...

I just don't feel engaged in the meetup groups, workplace, facebook and my community. Everyone else seems to just mesh in no problem, but I can't seem to click with the people around me and I'm invisible to them. 

I want to feel like I belong somewhere and be surrounded by supportive friends, but I've been trying for 10 years and nothing is working.

I wonder if my years of abuse, low-self esteem, depression, anxiety etc. has somehow permanently disfigured my likability. I am in a better place and "healed" but the scars are still there. I am more outgoing and am almost always the initiator but it becomes tiring when others do not reciprocate or forget about me. I'm not really "cool" or "funny" and do not attract people.

I just wish I felt like I belonged somewhere...it would really make me feel very lifted and not so isolated.

Sounds like you are a misfit,  or an outcast.

My theory about this is people like you (and me) never became 'institutionalized' by society, and thus we're largely rejected for it.  What I mean is we never embraced a 'social genre' and used it as our "identity".  Dressing and acting like a hiphop singer is an example of embracing a social genre.  Many people do this to try and fit in somewhere to get an identity,  and it works.  They attract more friends.

If you never fit in to one of these 'social genres' then odds are you never had alot of friends which means you never developed skills like small talk, or how to keep up with the latest trends and fads.  All of which is frivolous and useless but almost a necessity in order to communicate with those who have been 'institutionalized by society, which means most people.

I hate to say it,  but the only good friends you may find are other misfits and outcasts.  Those are the only friends I have.  And I love them.  Only problem is, they will be hard to find.

*hugs*

So much of this is relatable to me. It's why I'm taking a break from the search for groups/friends at the moment. Maybe disengage for a bit and not extend invitations, etc.? I know it's a short term solution, but keeping to yourself and not thinking of others might lessen the burden. You can always resume your search when you're ready.

Northern Lights said:

I wonder if my years of abuse, low-self esteem, depression, anxiety etc. has somehow permanently disfigured my likability.

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I wouldn't say it's disfigured your likability.  It's probably more likely that all that is making yourself feel like you don't belong.  I'm sure you are in a much better place, like you said, but subconsciously, you are probably still thinking about all that and it's making you think that maybe you shouldn't/couldn't belong. 

I could be totally off with that, just something to think about.

I have problems fitting in as well, and often I feel my relationships with people I know seem so shallow. What I'm told is that they will eventually build up into friendships, but sometimes I get frustrated and shut down and stop spending so much time calling/messaging/and reaching out to people because it feels so draining. Sometimes I feel the break helps, other times not so much. It's hard when you're making so much effort to make friends that you still feel lonely and isolated.

I don't fit in anywhere. I'm infamous as the "joke" in a community group I'm apart of.
I do badminton and now they think of me as just that "goofy girl' (they don't say it but act like it) and laugh and have a good old mockery about how bad I am. I am trying SO HARD to fit in. I like the lead staff member but she likes everyone else but me and treats everyone accordingly but keeps forgetting me on the van to badminton. It hurts. I tried sooooooo hard to talk to her today and take interest in her but she was in no way interested at all and didn't take interest in me. It was like she was saying with her eyes and behaviour "oh shut up" No crazy laughing like she does for others. No interest in me. It does hurt heaps because I know she has another client on her Facebook lost and I think this tutor is mega cool but I'm so not in her 'league'. I talked about the place how long it's been open, her hair and a little about myself. It didn't work.
I was so nice to her and want to be her friend bad even though she is 52 and I'm 24. I've even thought of making her a gift for her birthday as I know due to Facebook spying as its public. But I'm trying too hard then. It's a few months away. She would never receive it well. Like how she would to the chick on her Facebook friend list. This chick is ok, she said "see you tomorrow" tomorrow (she is on badminton also). The tutor wild be all "thank you soooooooomuch!" To her. Can so future tell...I can guess pretty well.
To be honest the tutor was a b**** the first time I met her. Awfully rude. No idea why I'm attracted to her. Must be the differing personality as she is mega loud and I'm mega quiet?. I kind of "play" on my dufus nature now as it gets the tutors attention. But she doesn't find it funny.
I like her jokes, like strapping us to a van to take us home. But I could NEVER fit in her league. I'm the quiet misfit. She is the loud party type. She was pretty caring to a staff me,her about her headache and my heart longed for thst too. She especially went to her. I wish she liked me but if I try talking I'm shut down (this on the van to badminton I made the effort to sit in the front)

At the community I try to join conversations, I smile a lot and am friendly. Which is extremely hard as I suffer social phobia. If I try to talk, it's not received well. I get funny looks and even get ignored or talked over like I'm not even there which I had today. Somehow I just grt weird looks and ignored.

I've always been a social misfit so much so I last had a friend 12 years. Literally. And that friendship was a fake friendship. I was a social misfit then so much. But not going into it.

This place is for those with mental illness. Just a place where we do crafts, sports and things like that. I met a chick today and she looked so miserable. I'd like to befriend her as I see a little "thing" there thst I might get along with her. First time seeing her today. No idea how only looks like Mondays for her. Feel so sad for her.

The longing is so strong for them to like me and consider adding me. (Staff). One other I was quite fond of but she avoids eye contact and will not like me no matter how I try. She was supposed to take me home and didn't even look at me and didn't greet me and just was completely cold. I thought she was a ray of sunshine but changed my mind. I'm sad I can't be her friend I really liked her.

It drives me absolutely nuts as I'm so lonely and crave contact. So I understand. All I have is myself and my mother who I love. She understands how I feel.
I just don't know what's so wrong with me. Do I need to swear and be super loud to be liked??
I even hinted to a staff member today about how I haven't had a friend in 12 years to "hope" they will add me. Even used a pic of myself on Facebook hoping they will "find me" by my profile pic. (I haven't had a pic of myself up for like 6 years due to "wtf is the point?? I'm friendless!"). I'm so desperate it's sick. This chick I told has had depression before so related to me but her friends and amount of likes she gets on her pictures is INSANE.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I consider myself a generally kind person and care a lot. I so relate to you

Every person I've tried in life was one sided. I started every convo, I started every text, I started every message, I sent every friend request. But every response was weak. To the point I couldn't even be bothered anymore and deleted them and they never even noticed.

This was to church people, people on tumblr and just I tried so stinking hard. I got mega bullied as well on many different places. At high school they bullied me and I left young because in every class I was alone, bullied and at lunch break I had to hide.
I honestly don't know what friendship actually is.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I stopped trying like a year or two ago and am on different Facebook groups and they all are mates with each other..they know me for a long time now..but still can't get on their list.

Even on this place I make a post no one is interested. Add people on snapchat from here they don't like my humour or want to talk so I deleted snapchat. Reminds me of my efforts to do the same for 7 years on different forums and groups they ignored it, laughed or bullied me

I honestly think I'm meant to be alone. Must be how I was brought up

reynard_muldrake said:

So much of this is relatable to me. It's why I'm taking a break from the search for groups/friends at the moment. Maybe disengage for a bit and not extend invitations, etc.? I know it's a short term solution, but keeping to yourself and not thinking of others might lessen the burden. You can always resume your search when you're ready.

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The thing that scares me about doing this is that I've found that during periods of relative isolation (self-imposed or otherwise) my social skills start to erode. Makes it way harder to get back on the horse when you do start socializing again. I still haven't got over it...

Paraiyar said:

reynard_muldrake said:

So much of this is relatable to me. It's why I'm taking a break from the search for groups/friends at the moment. Maybe disengage for a bit and not extend invitations, etc.? I know it's a short term solution, but keeping to yourself and not thinking of others might lessen the burden. You can always resume your search when you're ready.

Click to expand...

The thing that scares me about doing this is that I've found that during periods of relative isolation (self-imposed or otherwise) my social skills start to erode. Makes it way harder to get back on the horse when you do start socializing again. I still haven't got over it...

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Why do you think you haven't gotten over it? I guess for me, the return to socializing is far less of a problem than finding people with a compatible personality, but that's another issue. Anyway, I just suggested this to the OP as she mentioned feeling tired over always taking on the role of the "initiator". I understand this won't work for anyone.

People , you need to calm down! I know sometimes it looks like things are overly-depressing and bad , but im sure there is a solution for all of those crap things happening to you. For example - i'm fun and even nice loooking , have a few people to talk WHEN I WANT and if im like in a mood to talk , and so as they but i know i have some things to improve on. Been there in a much worse positions than i am right now , but also been in much cool and even great positions , it's just that you need to change yourself somehow. If you think about it yourself and ask your inner you , you may got the answer(is it because you're introverted , is it because you're thinking only about yourself,is it because your self-absorbed and don't care about the other people? Or is it because you don't listen and communicate effectively with them. Perhaps you're doing something wrong (needy , insecure behavior) , lack of confidence and many fears and doubts in yourself. Only you may know the answer , i find some of my answers when i was alone and when i try and connect things "Why this is like this? - Oh , because i did that , i miss to do that , and say that , and i made a mistake"

- MY opinion , just thoughs , it can be helpful for some of you , it may not. You choose what to do , but whatever it happens , don't loose faith in yourself.

And for the part of you the people who lose faith and are depressed right now - type in facebook "Daniel Amos" , he has a lot of nice videos and statuses , he's simply a dude which helps a lot people who are having hard times. You should take a look at that.

reynard_muldrake said:

Paraiyar said:

reynard_muldrake said:

So much of this is relatable to me. It's why I'm taking a break from the search for groups/friends at the moment. Maybe disengage for a bit and not extend invitations, etc.? I know it's a short term solution, but keeping to yourself and not thinking of others might lessen the burden. You can always resume your search when you're ready.

Click to expand...

The thing that scares me about doing this is that I've found that during periods of relative isolation (self-imposed or otherwise) my social skills start to erode. Makes it way harder to get back on the horse when you do start socializing again. I still haven't got over it...

Click to expand...

Why do you think you haven't gotten over it? I guess for me, the return to socializing is far less of a problem than finding people with a compatible personality, but that's another issue. Anyway, I just suggested this to the OP as she mentioned feeling tired over always taking on the role of the "initiator". I understand this won't work for anyone.

Click to expand...

It's just really easy for me to switch off in a lot of social situations if I don't catch myself doing it and sometimes harder to avoiding behaving in an awkward way. I do think I've been getting a little bit better lately though.

Northern Lights said:

I am in a better place and "healed" but the scars are still there. I am more outgoing and am almost always the initiator but it becomes tiring when others do not reciprocate or forget about me.

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The always initiating / not wanting to appear clingy thing is an ongoing problem for me. Last time I got invited anywhere was a few months ago.  I've met up with 2-3 male friends for drinks 3 times since, and while they seemed enthusiastic enough there's a pattern here of me always arranging it, which makes it increasingly awkward each time.

Eventually I'll have to stop. Yes it's kind of sad realization that no-one's going to miss your company enough to be bothered but what other option is there.

I wish I could give some advice on this but I really can't. I'm at that point where it doesn't matter how nice,kind.generous,funny or whatever I do for anyone,I always get treated like the second option,to a point where a friend of mine who I have known for 8 years who apparently likes our friendship because it is apparently in their words "hassle free" refuses to introduce me to any of their friends but is more than happy when I invite them over and cook for them and do everything I can to accomodate them and help them. So I am at the stage where socially I feel like giving up. I would suggest try new meet ups,I have found some people who are happy and willing to chat but never leads on to friendship and I didn't start out as negative nellie but I guess I am so fed up right now

I don't fit anywhere either. Since school, college, university. I was always isolated. Don't feel like having a place, a circle. It's not for me. I don't care, that's how I am. I won't let this make me feel bad about myself.

Serephina said:

I wish I could give some advice on this but I really can't. I'm at that point where it doesn't matter how nice,kind.generous,funny or whatever I do for anyone,I always get treated like the second option,to a point where a friend of mine who I have known for 8 years who apparently likes our friendship because it is apparently in their words "hassle free" refuses to introduce me to any of their friends but is more than happy when I invite them over and cook for them and do everything I can to accomodate them and help them. So I am at the stage where socially I feel like giving up. I would suggest try new meet ups,I have found some people who are happy and willing to chat but never leads on to friendship and I didn't start out as negative nellie but I guess I am so fed up right now

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that sounds depressing. They are just using you. Wouldn't bother. I last had a friend in 2005 and I had thr same

I've read all of your posts and it's hard that we are all experiencing this. I wish I had something more fruitful to say to each one of you, but I don't. I just wish things will get better for all of us.