For those around you.

I struggle, every single day.

Note, my struggles are no more difficult or malign than anyone elses.

I think on a daily basis, of ways I could either end my own life or remove myself from the life I've been given, without hurting those around me.

It's impossible, to end my life when I think about how it would effect my mother and my father. 

And I can't stop but I have to think about how much easier it would be if nobody cared. If I truly were alone, and not just alone in the sense that I am beyond help and beyond talking about it. I think every day, all day. And the only barrier between me releasing myself from my perpetual anguish and being stuck in it until the day I die of natural causes, or otherwise, is my empathy and my ability to think and feel what such an act would bring upon those around me. Even if they are not there every time I need them, if they sometimes tell me to shut up. To stop complaining. Even if they're only there for me when it is convenient for them, it would be a painful week or two they would have to experience before the thought of me entirely faded. I also think selfishly about the attention it would give me for a short time. 

My sister's about to go to college. My mother is alone and works and takes care of us. My extended family has almost nothing to do with us. My father has his own depression based around things happening in his life. Sometimes he is the only one I can talk to, but I feel terrible because if I tell him how I feel, and I have, that I would like to die and not have to wake up to deal with another day, he would become far more depressed and potentially take his own life. Which would cause my baby sister to lose a father. I think constantly about the fracture my death would cause in the lives of those around me and still I ask myself, is it really worth it to put up with this casual garbage life, just so they don't have to feel nearly as broken as I do. Do I paint myself as a hero? No. Because desperately I wish for release from this hell some call life. I hold on for those around me, only just. Though I have nothing of my own. No car, no home, no relationship. Nothing I can point at and say I achieved that. Nothing. Casual garbage life. 

A side note. I did have company, the other day. And after they left, they told me how much fun they had! And then they began to ignore me.
I had someone from my past recently come back into my life, explaining they still loved me. But if they didn't respond to me, it was because they were avoiding drama. This brought so much joy into my life. Until I realized, a week had passed. Two. Three. Four. With no word whatsoever.

Choose. In or out. Be part of this casual garbage life, or let me die in peace. Do not make my pain a roller coaster.

I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you should really consider getting professional help if you are struggling with those feelings. I know that it feels frustrating when you're alone and you feel overwhelmed by responsibilities and obligations, but you can do it. Just take it one day at a time.

Im not a professional so all i can do is tell you what i think its up to you what you do after. I think what you most need right now is someone who you can talk (or text) to about your thoughts and feelings. Reading about your story it seems you have had bad experiences with this in question. But still it is probably the best thing to do. The good thing about forums like these is of course being heard so i believe you have taken the right first step.

The only thing that helped me when I was extremely depressed was stopping focusing on my own life and starting focusing on service to others. Finding meaning and value in doing good works for other people. It can change everything.

I'm feeling quite a bit better, thank you.

There is a joy in alone time. When nobody needs you to do something for them. Not always, but it can be found.

Naizo... that was... amazingly written. Over 80% of that are often my own thoughts. It felt like you took my thoughts and wrote them onto your situation. "I couldn't do that to mother" is my normal reason. She's really been supportive, helping and kind, but that still doesn't fix happiness when life should be about so much more. Since I seem to be stuck here anyway, I try to live on the bright side, spreading happiness. I do hope a better existence breaks through for you, and this all won't just be something to wait through! ^_^