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My life changed so much...

I used to be very lonely, strongly depressed, and didn't see a way forward. I came on here, but lurked more than posted, as I didn't have the confidence to get involved (What if I say something wrong...). I was in contact with a couple of depression support things online but it didn't really help. I still have a degree of depression, I'll admit that now; it doesn't go away easily, it's lurking, but...For the past months I have been finding it easier and easier to push aside.

I was an undergraduate student in my degree. I very rarely got outside and relied on a few internet friends to keep me going. If I wasn't studying, I'd be sitting alone in my room sliding into I studied. Hard. But that meant I got good grades, people grew expectations. I saw my studies as the only thing in my life, the only thing that made me a valid person, so my entire life relied on getting the next grade. (Good grade? That'll slow down depression and make me feel normal. Bad grade? Depression will hit hard as I'm clearly worthless). So I sat at home, studying, sobbing, and generally just living in that weird limbo. I applied for a Master's degree, and inevitably got accepted. I actually asked a girl out at university, largely out of depression (I have nothing to lose, why not? Maybe she'll grow on me.), and was inevitably rejected, badly, as in she never even made eye contact with me again. There was someone else, someone I did love at the time... but she one of my internet friends, she was nothing but words on a screen. (It doesn't matter. Of course you love the impossible one, you just want to hurt yourself. Distract yourself from her...)

Towards the end of the degree, I didn't leave the house for two months, then only to go to exams and return to study. And remember, my entire self worth as a human being seemed to depend on those exams. I would have regular hidden breakdowns and spent each day certain I couldn't make it to tomorrow...I did it though. I got a very high 1st class degree, and an award for Top Bioscientist in my year.

Then things got interesting. I had friends in the area, who I saw a few times a year. Some liked to play Dungeons and Dragons... so I talked to one. Arranged a regular D&D group of the friends. I'd organise and run the games, and we'd meet once a week to play... and it worked. Suddenly I had a solid group of regular friends. Do you know what I learned? They were already there, they were there and friendly all along. I just needed to reach out to them. (How did I deserve these friends?). remember the girl I loved? The one who was nothing more than words on a screen? She was coming to London on holiday. I can get to London. I booked myself a hotel there for a night, and arranged to spend a single day with her.... and it was wonderful. I felt a happiness I did not remember being capable of. Everything was easy, and wonderful, and perfect...Then it was three in the morning in my hotel room. We were sat on my bed, carefully leaning on each other, reading a free newspaper, and she had to go. (There she goes...the most perfect person you'll ever meet. Gone after a single day.

I cried a lot, figured I had nothing to lose, and texted her that I saw her as more than a friend. I had a wild hope that she would come back when I said it. She didn't. But.. she admitted the same, we met for five minutes the next day to take photos and kiss. Afterwards she returned to her country. So.. we were in love but a country apart. My heart was both full and broken.

A while later, I got the most wonderful news. She's a year and a half younger than me, but her country does the education system differently, so she was only just entering the second year of her degree as I begun my masters. Why is this good? Because she was taking the year in London. 

So...what is my life now? I'm most of the way through my Master's, doing well and enjoying it. I have an offer for a PhD once this is done. I see my love every single weekend (last weekend I went to London, this weekend she is coming to mine). I still have D&D every Wednesday night and a wonderful group of friends in it. Next year my love has to return to her country and finish her degree, I don't look forward to that...but when she's finished we're moving in together. Getting our own place. 

I thought there was no hope of my life changing, I thought my life was nothing but one depressing day after the next, I could see no possibility of things improving, they had been terrible for years, I was used to depression and isolation, all changed. I didn't expect it, I didn't even hope for it, but it happened. I am no longer lonely, and I am grateful every single day for the life I now live.

p.s. The beard is still magnificent.
Hi B.P
Well it's happy to hear your love life after all you have been gone through .everyone deserve happiness in their life,so you too.
Good luck.
   FOR Everything THAT YOU ARE.

  Club Don't be a carbon copy of
one of God's Original ,BE YOURSELF.
That was an absolutely wonderful read BeardPerson. Day after day after day either nothing changes or it just gets worse; but, reading your story and seeing how things changed and got better is just amazing...

A Masters degree!? D&D and just hanging out with friends!? Words on a screen from some one in a different country turning into a loving partner you can hold and share life with!? Then, plans to move in with them!?

I got teary eyed at the end of your story mate... WATERY EYES! KEEP IT UP!
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle."
--Namu Amida Butsu
----Hippo Sad
------May your jimmies be forever unrustled...
--------"At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."
-Maya Angelou
----------"Lack of personal justice does not excuse one's own ignorance. Do not be blinded by the wrongs done to you, lest you stumble and wrong others."
------------"...There's jazz going on..."
-Alan Watts
This is the happiest thing I have read in... years, I think. Cheers, mate! You deserve it all! Yay!! ^_^
Are you sure we're on the right way, Yoda?
Off course, we are.

The snow angel was imperfect but so is everyone. It was there, and that is what matters. Maybe someone would see it, and smile.

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