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dirta

Member
Joined
Apr 1, 2017
Messages
22
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2
Location
Latvia
Hi, everyone. I'm new here.
I don't have lots of friends, because I have a tendency to drift away from everyone. It's like I find comfort in my loneliness and thoughts. But when I'm alone for some time I start to feel this strong longing for affection and interaction with people who are simply not there. When I finally find somebody, I sabotage it. I start to be picky or make up reasons why that person won't ever understand me. And I turn to loneliness once again.  I feel like I'm married to loneliness or it is like addiction. Chained up in my own freedom.
Anyone feels the same?
 
I've been in the same situation, I think. I'd urge anyone not to get too used to being alone because the years can go by a lot more rapidly than we think and it's horrible to realize your youth is gone and so are your prime years and you were alone the whole time and now it's too late to get back the chances you missed.
 
Hi dirta, welcome to the forum.

Sorry that you're feeling this way. I can certainly relate though. Some of us are just loners by nature, but even loners need company sometimes. But sadly, because we've kept to ourselves most of the time, when we need people, there's no one there. So I suppose, it is partly our fault, but then it can also be exhausting having to constantly interact with people when you don't feel like it.

I kind of found a way to deal with these bouts of loneliness by volunteering. It meant that I could interact with people for a certain period of time, but also leave and not feel obligated to keep in touch etc, because they aren't really friends per say? But the funny thing is, I met other people like myself through volunteering. Friends who like me, disappear for months, and then kind of show up randomly and we can hang out without feeling awkward. So maybe you can try that?

This forum is also a good way to not feel so alone. Try the games section. Or PM one of us.

Hope things improve for you.
 
That's not the loneliness anymore.. Cmon now u so lucky you got .married with loneliness well then take care of your wife 👯 make fat fat lonely kids.👦👧
 
constant stranger said:
I've been in the same situation, I think.  I'd urge anyone not to get too used to being alone because the years can go by a lot more rapidly than we think and it's horrible to realize your youth is gone and so are your prime years and you were alone the whole time and now it's too late to get back the chances you missed.

Totally. I regret being mostly alone over past few years.  :(
And I understand it's bad for me to be so comfortable being alone.  I feel stuck. Sometimes I fantasize about friendships and relationships, simple genuine ones, not even something extraordinary. But that seems to be unrealistic for me 'cause I need my blank space and I don't know why. :club:
 
dirta said:
Hi, everyone. I'm new here.
I don't have lots of friends, because I have a tendency to drift away from everyone. It's like I find comfort in my loneliness and thoughts. But when I'm alone for some time I start to feel this strong longing for affection and interaction with people who are simply not there. When I finally find somebody, I sabotage it. I start to be picky or make up reasons why that person won't ever understand me. And I turn to loneliness once again.  I feel like I'm married to loneliness or it is like addiction. Chained up in my own freedom.
Anyone feels the same?

Welcome to the forum Dirta :)

I'm curious what you mean by "chained up in freedom"? It's an interesting contradiction. Are you afraid that actually pursuing something long enough or genuinely enough to actually be understood will bring with it its own set of obligations that you can't practically cope with in the real sense? Or has the fear of any kind of obligation in the abstract sense been so strong that loneliness has seemed like the only path left to tread?

I hope you enjoy your time here :) 

Take Care :)
 
dirta said:
Hi, everyone. I'm new here.
I don't have lots of friends, because I have a tendency to drift away from everyone. It's like I find comfort in my loneliness and thoughts. But when I'm alone for some time I start to feel this strong longing for affection and interaction with people who are simply not there. When I finally find somebody, I sabotage it. I start to be picky or make up reasons why that person won't ever understand me. And I turn to loneliness once again.  I feel like I'm married to loneliness or it is like addiction. Chained up in my own freedom.
Anyone feels the same?

I feel a bit the same. But it is more like I prefer to be alone for a long period of time but about 9 or months go by, when I am rested, I start wondering if I can have a friend or a boyfriend and I stick my little toe out. AND EVERY SINGLE TIME someone who isn't a good fit comes along and then I drift away again back to being alone... and the same pattern sets up again.
 
Hey Dirta, welcome to the forum.

I understand what you're saying, I have had myself pull back from relationships before, mostly friendship ones but also one or two potentially romantic ones... All because of fear that once I open myself up, I wouldn't be understood or liked, I'd be found odd and ridiculed, and it would hurt me more than not ever taking a chance would.

I took a chance now over 2 years ago and indeed got hurt like never before, but I got over it with time and realise now that it won't go my way all the time, but that doesn't mean it'snot worth trying so I have recently decided to start taking chances again and will see what comes from that. One thing is for sure though, I will always need space, my own place where I can be by my self, I've learned that much.
 
Skyless said:
dirta said:
Hi, everyone. I'm new here.
I don't have lots of friends, because I have a tendency to drift away from everyone. It's like I find comfort in my loneliness and thoughts. But when I'm alone for some time I start to feel this strong longing for affection and interaction with people who are simply not there. When I finally find somebody, I sabotage it. I start to be picky or make up reasons why that person won't ever understand me. And I turn to loneliness once again.  I feel like I'm married to loneliness or it is like addiction. Chained up in my own freedom.
Anyone feels the same?

Welcome to the forum Dirta :)

I'm curious what you mean by "chained up in freedom"? It's an interesting contradiction. Are you afraid that actually pursuing something long enough or genuinely enough to actually be understood will bring with it its own set of obligations that you can't practically cope with in the real sense? Or has the fear of any kind of obligation in the abstract sense been so strong that loneliness has seemed like the only path left to tread?

I hope you enjoy your time here :) 

Take Care :)
Umm... I guess what I meant is that I've build this grand fortress of privacy to myself, to be free and do whatever I want, and so that no one could get to me, see me for who I truely am. 
Fool.  :club:  Now I realise I've build myself a prison.
 
Yea, I feel the same. I think if you stay lonely for a long time, you come in a more smaller and better comfort zone and find it the hardest to begin to bring changes to stop your loneliness. But once you start doing the changes then it's easier to do the latter part. And once you get to adjusted to the non-so-lonely life, you are no longer addicted to loneliness.​
 
dirta said:
Hi, everyone. I'm new here.
I don't have lots of friends, because I have a tendency to drift away from everyone. It's like I find comfort in my loneliness and thoughts. But when I'm alone for some time I start to feel this strong longing for affection and interaction with people who are simply not there. When I finally find somebody, I sabotage it. I start to be picky or make up reasons why that person won't ever understand me. And I turn to loneliness once again.  I feel like I'm married to loneliness or it is like addiction. Chained up in my own freedom.
Anyone feels the same?

Dirta, 95% of what you've said sounds exactly like me, and I only recently found that my unusual "fate" of walking around in sundry golden longings, daydreaming, never ever meeting anyone who is right for me, and sabotaging myself at every step, is quite possibly a psychological deformation known as avoidant personality (disorder). 
I know I mentioned this in another thread (in fact, it was my first post on this site); still, it bears repeating. It is a sinister, insidious condition, but if you are aware of it (I wasn't, and now it's too late), you have won half the battle.
 
Noctilucent said:
 is quite possibly a psychological deformation known as avoidant personality (disorder). 
I know I mentioned this in another thread (in fact, it was my first post on this site); still, it bears repeating. It is a sinister, insidious condition, but if you are aware of it (I wasn't, and now it's too late), you have won half the battle.

The thing is.. I looked into that - AVPD and the Avoidant people tell me I do not have that personality disorder because basically AVPD long to be with people all the time and she sounds like there are times she wants to be alone. Everyone tells me I am schizoid personality disorder.  But I don't think that is right either because that is not caring about people all the time and, of course, on occasion I do need company. 

For me, it just seems obvious.
- I have via my life learned to be independent. This is not a bad thing. But most people are not independent. 
- When I do meet someone lately, they are horrible. Bad manners, selfish, people that make me recoil in horror because I have another option... being independent. 
- after years of dealing with not the best people... I have trust issues and would prefer to end it quickly if I get even a hint that the person is not the best for me.
- it seems lately that the good people... the ones I want to be friends with, are surrounded by other friends who recognize how good they are... and thus, they are overwhelmed with people who want to be with them. I can't get a word in edgewise.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
The thing is.. I looked into that - AVPD and the Avoidant people tell me I do not have that personality disorder because basically AVPD long to be with people all the time and she sounds like there are times she wants to be alone. Everyone tells me I am schizoid personality disorder.  But I don't think that is right either because that is not caring about people all the time and, of course, on occasion I do need company. 

Yes, in my reply to Dirta I overgeneralised AND forgot to include the "schizoid" type.
(Serves me right for replying in haste.)

But then, such classifications are bound to be highly flawed, and their main purpose is to act as a sort of general alert.
Even if we accept the classification, I doubt very many cases are clear-cut. Your case demonstrates that clearly - if indeed you have this type of disorder, which seems somewhat doubtful, as you yourself indicated.

And this...


For me, it just seems obvious.
- I have via my life learned to be independent. This is not a bad thing. But most people are not independent. 

It is obvious indeed, but only to the lucid. :)
You haven't asked for my advice, so I won't give any. But I wish you all the best.
 
Lack of acceptance of yourself.

Your situation is quite clear to me.

We have been taught not to be who we really are. Since childhood. We were rewarded for following what our parents would want us to do. If we would be ourselves, and do what our instincts would tell u to do, we would be punished. This has trained us not to be who we really are.

Now when you are alone, there is nobody to judge you and nobody to dictate you. Nobody to tell you that you are a good singer, or an actor or whatever. You start realizing that what you appear to others is not really you. You feel betrayed by your inner self. You realize that you were just pretending. And this causes a discomfort, because your mind doesn't accept you for the "new you" because it is something different than what you have been told until now. And thus, it doesn't accept you. This is loneliness.
 

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