"Sorry I didn't respond to your text...I've been busy" Umm...it's been SEVEN years!!

This isn't me but happened to a relative of mine.

How ridiculous for that 'friend' to think that she would respond and they could easily pick up where they left off!

This triggered me because I was recently ghosted...I know for a fact that I did nothing wrong. I was kind, giving, generous as possible because I wanted to make it work. She obviously didn't care for me because once she got a car, she started meeting new people and now is ignoring me. We last left on good terms...she had dinner at my house, we were laughing, kids were playing, I gave her kids gifts etc. (it was for a holiday)...and now, nothing. Gone. 

I am being the very best that I can be..I have done a lot of self-reflection on what I could be doing wrong. I am honestly am very conscious of what I say and do my best to be generous. Sometimes, it can feel like I'm walking on eggshells...I just to be my true self but people are so sensitive and seem to cut others so easily...that's why I do my best to be careful of what I say and do because I don't want to offend or hurt others.

Then I get the posts here that are questioning me that maybe I'm selfish or maybe have done something to deserve it? How much more hurt can I take? Is it possible that other people just are selfish and disregard others' feelings such as myself? I know I didn't do anything wrong. I dare her to give a list of things I've done wrong and she will have nothing to say.

I know people who have shouted directly at their friends, calling them names etc, have had numerous fights, but in the end they work it out and their friendships are stronger than ever.

Mine just sit on a very superficial level and die.

I'm so bitter now right. 

I'm invisible and one of the people that no one cares about.

I feel inclined to repeat what I said in the other thread of yours. Who or what is to blame for you being ghosted might actually depend on your definition of "doing nothing wrong". I think that being kind, giving and generous are virtues but without clear boundaries they turn into vices to your detriment and possibly everyone else's. Maybe they even produce people who do not cherish your kindness because there's nothing that tells them to return the favor. It will be even worse if that's how people have been raised, having no drive to be altruistic themselves and having had everything done for them.

Being too agreeable and non-confrontational are not absolute positives. That's something very important to remember.

Rodent said:

I feel inclined to repeat what I said in the other thread of yours. Who or what is to blame for you being ghosted might actually depend on your definition of "doing nothing wrong". I think that being kind, giving and generous are virtues but without clear boundaries they turn into vices to your detriment and possibly everyone else's. Maybe they even produce people who do not cherish your kindness because there's nothing that tells them to return the favor. It will be even worse if that's how people have been raised, having no drive to be altruistic themselves and having had everything done for them.

Being too agreeable and non-confrontational are not absolute positives. That's something very important to remember.

Click to expand...

True.

Also why I have cats rather than friends.

As Rodent said, you can be the most self-sacrificing, generous friend and people will exploit that without shame because they think it's their due. I know it's very hard but being 'ghosted' isn't necessarily a reflection on you, it's just a part of the trial and error process that is modern friendship.

I don't think friendship is much of a word these days. Not to the true extent of the word I have grown up with
Friendship which to me meant 'there for you" "trustworthy" "honest" etc
Friendship today is: they only want something out of you, you are an activity partner, they talk about you behind your back, you have a use to them.
I haven't had a true meaning of the word. I was just someone who they had to talk to and use. Nothing more. They move on quickly because you never meant anything to them.

OK Rodent...so I'm doing it wrong. What is the solution then?

Having self-respect, being more assertive, not acting out of desperation, defending your own values and boundaries where necessary, standing up for yourself in situations where it is obvious that you have been deliberately wronged? Overall, listen but pay even more attention to what people are doing. So you can wisen up early when people are using you as a tool.

Walking on eggshells out of the fear of offending people is not a good tactic. It's not a "nice" thing to do either. Some conflict is necessary and natural because we have differing personalities and opinions...and you'd rather have them out there where they can be discussed and interactions can be negotiated. It's a lot better than having them as a loaded gun in the middle of every room.

Some people are truly dysfunctional and that's especially difficult to negotiate in a professional environment. Sometimes you will just have to move on. On the private level you cannot shy away from addressing issues, even if it means hurting somebody who seems sensitive. Maybe they aren't even aware of it but would like very much to be better people. But you don't want to have unreliable, selfish and histrionic people in your inner circle and grovel to them in fear of being abandoned. The disappointment will be far greater if you find yourself in need of help and notice they've all run for the hills.

This is my personal policy and I wouldn't tell it to you if I wasn't convinced that's the best course of action. I hope some parts of it are useful to you.