Female Friends

Recently I have had a sudden influx of female irl friends. It has been a bit surreal to be honest. It has done wonders to my depression which is all but gone now. Trouble is, after my last experience with having a girl-friend, I am a bit anxious. I am desperate about finding a companion/relationship/any kind of female intimacy. I don't want to screw it up like last time, walking the invisible line that is the 'Friend Zone' (I hate the phrase too) . 

Obviously I am desperate and I also would much prefer being friend zoned than have no female friends. However, there comes a point when a man has to do what he has to do. Eventually I know I'm going to confess my feelings and make a move and eventually my anxiety tells me that it won't end well for me; they will never speak to me again. The whole thing has been a surreal c*** tease and I am trying to cope with the anxiety. My friends are just calling me a player and laughing about how I suddenly have female friends. So they aren't much help.

The usual thoughts on this though is to be cool, calm and collected and let them express their desire (if there is any). Any help would be much appreciated because I'm tired of these women randomly entering and leaving my life like some mystical ray of sunshine, only for me to be left alone again. Not getting any younger. I know I can be happy just being their friends but when does it end?!!! I need Love!

I vote make a move.

Why do you think they would never speak to you again? I mean, don’t do it aggressively! But if you want something more, I figure it’s on you to ask for it.

Or at least give them a clue…because the act of being their friend is not a clue

I think it is a good idea to first and foremost think of them not as potential partners, but as people who have come into your life offering friendship. And you have to ask yourself what you need most. Is the company of these people making you happy regardless of their sex? 

You also have to ask yourseld if you want a girlfriend because you're lonely? (most women want to be valued for who they are; their personality, etc, so chances are she isn't going to want to be someone's girlfriend just to help them feel less lonely). And to avoid rejection and disappointment, it would be a good idea to observe how she is with you. Any indication that she might like you more than just as a friend?

But most importantly, don't let rejection affect you personally. It may be that this particular person isn't ready for a relationship, or they already like someone else. 

You have to remember that you must be an awesome guy to have people want to be your friends so there's definitely someone for you out there. Good luck!

We have a natural simulator in our minds. That is what makes us different from other animals. I hear a TedTalks once where a guy said "Ben and Jerry's never made liver and onions flavored ice cream and tasted it, they simulated it in their minds, said yuck, and moved on."

Anxiety (and depression for others) had a wonderful way of making our mental simulator go a negative way. Not every move will be rejection, and not every rejection will be awful and awkward.

If you have feelings for one of them, test the waters the out. If you really don't find yourself having feelings for any of them, stay friends. Women have an obsessive with hooking up their guy friends, they will probably help you out in the long run.

Thank you for the advice but I think I did leave it too late. Two of them have moved city for various reasons and one is 'not looking for a relationship' at the moment. I think she is being honest about it though. I think Nicolelt is right in that my natural simulator in my mind was in a slight overdrive. I am already quite susceptible to such things in my own brain. But it is like a self fulfilling prophecy. I left it too long and so they moved on. I never got a message of interest or disinterest. Well if anything they were interested but not enough because I didn't invest enough emotion into any three of them due to the anxiety.

On top of this, I recently got talking again to an old-ish friend and met up with her the other day. She seemed pretty indifferent about my presence despite the distance I traveled to see her. Once again seems a no go even though I have the strongest feelings for her out of all. I actually think I love her, although even those feelings are fading after years of fleeting mutual signs.

Just when I'm getting over these girls, another girl is there but once again complications. Pretty much a no-go because I Facebook 'observed' that she is in a relationship. Sometimes I just think I can't win. I can be so close but not win. It's starting to get me depressed. I am starting to become very cynical, bitter and begrudging about it all. Like, it seems no girl is going to find me attractive until I'm in a paid job, despite my current voluntary work for a noble cause. Despite my efforts to improve, despite 'loving yourself first and letting love just happen' (cringe). I am just going to get older and more lonely and more bald and more miserable. It really doesn't seem like anything is in the man's favour with love. (yeah that might trigger some people but it seems way more of a struggle).

Why is it such a battle? Why am I trying to cling on desperately for a chance of normality and a relationship? Am I really that insufferable that: despite all of my efforts to improve, I am still as pathetic as the day I became single and mentally ill 5 years ago?

I refuse to accept that it is 100% me, me, me... I'm not completely the problem, I'm not ugly, I'm not lacking confidence, (list the phrases women use to palm men off as undesirable). My personality has just grown too complicated, my emotional integrity has become to empathetic and complex. It is either intimidating or too honest/real. Yeah. That's a dose of self confidence that will be hilariously misconstrued as arrogance.

I should probably be simple and fake. Seems to work for many.

I'm so sick of acting. Biting my tongue, saying the polite things, fake confidence as opposed to honest confidence. Even job interviews are akin to dating. Be like this, do this, say this, write this, wear this, look like this. There's no trust, no faith, no humanity in it. Just a long line of NO. Oh you have qualifications and higher education?
HA And believe me, if women did show trust, faith etc. they would know I was fully equipped and qualified...(cringe)

I could sit here and type an incomprehensible book all day about this but the poor souls that read this will probably be left with a taste of nihilism, depression, desperation and existentialism.

So to change my circumstance, I have to remove myself from the pain. Remove myself from my bubble of pain, memories, four walls, all the comforts that I take too much for granted.

And no, not suicide because I crossed that bridge many times and made it to the other side. So please remove sympathy from the equation for all of this. No matter how I spin it, how intelligent, dignified or deep I think I'm being perceived; I'm still a boy looking to get laid. Plain and simple. Love can be the fantasy dream I hold onto, like the rest of my dreams. But I just want a good f***. Because 'men are all the same' eh ladies?

But do you know what? Love has done some profound things to me. Sheer love for one person alone gives me the urge to improve myself and life around me. So keep on kicking me to the curb, I'll bounce back stronger every time, which is kind of beautiful. Unhealthy obsession with someone can bring on self improvement, ideas, inventions. My true purpose will be realised for all the wrong motives.

idk wtf I wrote and I'm sober so.. it could be a lapse of mental stability or could be a bout of mental brilliance. idc anymore about the stability of it all, it is improving me.

DearTragedy, I know the feeling. Right now I mostly have guy friends, but it is hard to tell if they are interested or not. In the past I have liked guys to the point of exclusion of other guys who may have been interested, only to be disappointed when the particular guy I was crushing on turned me down where I was not even friend zoned and could not even be friends with him. It's so hard to tell when you are coming on too strong or acting so disinterested that the person thinks that you don't care. It's also hurtful when you reveal your feelings, or your feelings are exposed and that person doesn't have the same feelings. For me, it's enough to make me not want to contact that person anymore. I like what you wrote at the end, though. I thought it was a very genuine and valuable sentiment, and feelings for someone has definitely made me more productive and accomplished. It's hard to not just give up and stop trying when so many efforts are in vain and you just feel like honeysuckle from all the time you've wasted on someone when they didn't care, but I guess that's how it goes.

I'm not sure how much of a point I made there, just that I have similar feelings towards the guy friends who have not reciprocated my feelings.

You made clear and concise thoughts and I actually agree with you. It is always hard to find the right balance, between strength and subtlety, in regards to expressing emotions, thoughts and personality. Particularly if those feelings are overpowering. Often times, the person who I love might treat the situation terribly (either by choice or not). They would string me along and I'd gladly follow in my love-addled state. This is something I must stop, and I advise others to try this too. Friend zone is horrible.

I am always worried about expressing my feelings and thoughts in case people think it's too brutal/too honest in both love and life. This comes across as me being not confident, shy and quiet. The alternative would be to let loose all the thoughts and most likely scare them away. Sometimes I can't hold back and I will state my thoughts in their entirety. Maybe the monster in my head is not as destructive as I think it is. It might just be a projection of my own psychology. I have to keep it guarded a bit though from past events.

I think converting those powerful emotions of love into self-improvement is a great way to cope with the rejection. It is a bonus if they can still be your friend, but even if they don't stay your friend for whatever reason, the love still stays within yourself. (I know it sounds cheesy but ah well).