ColdLight
Active member
So then, I guess I got to express this because I'v been thinking about it for a long time and I think I need advice or help or something.
So basically, for most of my life now I've been living the paradox of being extremely lonely and wanting to make friends, but at the same time unable to even work up the motivation to consistently post on any one internet forum or message board long enough to make friends online. I mean like, I'm not making friends in real life and haven't had friends for years and years, so you would think, logically, that I would then turn to the internet to socialize and make friends, but that's not the case!
For years now I've just lurked around message boards and forums, and whenever I do work up the motivation to make an account and post, it's always a temporary one off thing. Like I'll occasionally reach a point where the loneliness is so overbearing that I have to try to reach out, via the internet, but it's always a flash in a pan, I post a few times, lose interest, and don't make any friends and continue to be lonely. It isn't an exaggeration or hyperbole when I say that I've never made a single friend on the internet, ever.
It's so **** weird, I mean you can see by this account here a prime example of it. Signed up in early 2014 and only posted a few times, but I keep on returning here every once in a while because this is the only place where I can be straightforward about my loneliness. And I want to make it work dammit! I want to make friends online or get into an online community and all that. In trying to understand myself, I can think of a few reasons for why this is.
For one thing I have a lifelong habit of having a passing interest in things and moving on, and I think this habit is so ingrained in me it's hard to stay the course and post in one place for very long. For another thing I have a lifelong habit of lurking instead of posting, I always feel like I don't have much to add to discussions and the few times I have posted online I start to psych myself about about whether I'm being awkward or if what I posted was stupid and all that. For a third thing I keeping on losing patience, or I don't get the gratification I want because it feels like I'm wasting my time when I post and reply and no one replies back or I don't make a friend right away, I almost want to go full desperation mode and say "someone please be my friend I beg you!", but I'm pretty sure that is off putting to most people. For a fourth thing I've always had this weird aversion to obligation, especially social obligation, and as soon as I start posting somewhere I seriously start to get anxiety that's like "oh god I have to keep up with this and post and reply and I don't want that responsibility!", so then I stop posting and my loneliness continues unabated. I think also I'm consistently lulled into contentment, despite my loneliness, by music, entertainment, and video games and all that. That is, despite my loneliness I can forget about it by drowning it out with music and movies and TV shows but the fundamental problem remains and always resurfaces.
I don't know, this may all sound stupid to some of you, but I, despite years and years of loneliness, have almost no experience socializing on the internet, much less real life. Do you all have any advice? Do I just need to be literal about it and say "okay, I'm going to post here once a day, everyday, until I make some friends"? Or do I need to not be so literal about it and post as I please? How do I maintain the motivation to stay? I have a lifelong habit of keeping this lonely status quo and I need to break myself out of it somehow, but I'm at a loss when I can't even socialize effectively on the internet of all places.
So basically, for most of my life now I've been living the paradox of being extremely lonely and wanting to make friends, but at the same time unable to even work up the motivation to consistently post on any one internet forum or message board long enough to make friends online. I mean like, I'm not making friends in real life and haven't had friends for years and years, so you would think, logically, that I would then turn to the internet to socialize and make friends, but that's not the case!
For years now I've just lurked around message boards and forums, and whenever I do work up the motivation to make an account and post, it's always a temporary one off thing. Like I'll occasionally reach a point where the loneliness is so overbearing that I have to try to reach out, via the internet, but it's always a flash in a pan, I post a few times, lose interest, and don't make any friends and continue to be lonely. It isn't an exaggeration or hyperbole when I say that I've never made a single friend on the internet, ever.
It's so **** weird, I mean you can see by this account here a prime example of it. Signed up in early 2014 and only posted a few times, but I keep on returning here every once in a while because this is the only place where I can be straightforward about my loneliness. And I want to make it work dammit! I want to make friends online or get into an online community and all that. In trying to understand myself, I can think of a few reasons for why this is.
For one thing I have a lifelong habit of having a passing interest in things and moving on, and I think this habit is so ingrained in me it's hard to stay the course and post in one place for very long. For another thing I have a lifelong habit of lurking instead of posting, I always feel like I don't have much to add to discussions and the few times I have posted online I start to psych myself about about whether I'm being awkward or if what I posted was stupid and all that. For a third thing I keeping on losing patience, or I don't get the gratification I want because it feels like I'm wasting my time when I post and reply and no one replies back or I don't make a friend right away, I almost want to go full desperation mode and say "someone please be my friend I beg you!", but I'm pretty sure that is off putting to most people. For a fourth thing I've always had this weird aversion to obligation, especially social obligation, and as soon as I start posting somewhere I seriously start to get anxiety that's like "oh god I have to keep up with this and post and reply and I don't want that responsibility!", so then I stop posting and my loneliness continues unabated. I think also I'm consistently lulled into contentment, despite my loneliness, by music, entertainment, and video games and all that. That is, despite my loneliness I can forget about it by drowning it out with music and movies and TV shows but the fundamental problem remains and always resurfaces.
I don't know, this may all sound stupid to some of you, but I, despite years and years of loneliness, have almost no experience socializing on the internet, much less real life. Do you all have any advice? Do I just need to be literal about it and say "okay, I'm going to post here once a day, everyday, until I make some friends"? Or do I need to not be so literal about it and post as I please? How do I maintain the motivation to stay? I have a lifelong habit of keeping this lonely status quo and I need to break myself out of it somehow, but I'm at a loss when I can't even socialize effectively on the internet of all places.
