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dd11

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How do you feel when you hear others around talking about the party, bbq, shower, event, etc with other coworkers?  I know we arent' children anymore but sometimes it seems like maybe people could be a little more considerate when they are going on about their gatherings that you weren't invited too!
 
It was a shock to me the first few times because I thought everyone liked me. I quickly realized I didn't fit in and had no friends. I thought it was so inconsiderate and I felt less engaged with my coworkers as a result. I think it's rude and I wouldn't brag about events around people I didn't invite. It's called manners.
 
It's kind of ridiculous to say that others can't talk about their lives just because certain people aren't a part of it. That's like saying you can't go to a restaurant or somewhere else and talk about honeysuckle because the people at the next table weren't invited.

If it bothers you, learn how to tune it out. It has nothing to do with manners. That's life. People talk about what they did over the weekend or on a particular night if it was exciting or important to them. I seriously doubt the only reason they are talking about it is to shove it your face.
 
I'm not close with any of my coworkers, nor do I care much for parties or BBQs these days, so I'm not bothered whenever they discuss their weekend ventures. People tend to talk about things that cause excitement or happiness for them as it's a reasonable excuse for small talk. Very rarely is it done as a gesture of bragging or maliciousness. Just my experience, of course.
 
TheRealCallie said:
It's kind of ridiculous to say that others can't talk about their lives just because certain people aren't a part of it.  That's like saying you can't go to a restaurant or somewhere else and talk about honeysuckle because the people at the next table weren't invited.  

If it bothers you, learn how to tune it out.  It has nothing to do with manners.  That's life.  People talk about what they did over the weekend or on a particular night if it was exciting or important to them.  I seriously doubt the only reason they are talking about it is to shove it your face.

Well ok then.   Wow.  Guess i shouldn't be teaching my daughter to be considerate of her other friends if she was invited to something they werent.  Sorry i expressed my feelings.
 
You don't know the situations I'm referring to. Such as everyone on my team being invited except for myself and then they continued going on about it when it is known that I would have liked to go. You also don't know that I had a bully in that particular workplace with the situation I'm describing. Strangers at a restaurant is very different than a tight-knit team colleagues that you've worked closely with for years. Especially when you're the only one left out.

Honestly, it's easy for you to say "suck it up" because you've lived a very different life. You aren't lonely...you've stated that here several times. You have friends. You don't know the efforts and improvements I made and how it was like for me at my lowest point. I'm still recovering and I can understand you not fully empathizing what it's like to have a series of cumulative events of constantly being left out. I won't go further, because no matter what I say you still wouldn't get it.

It reminds me of all of the people that told me to be happy when I was depressed and couldn't understand why I wasn't just "tuning it out". It's easier said than done and it doesn't happen overnight.


dd11 said:
TheRealCallie said:
It's kind of ridiculous to say that others can't talk about their lives just because certain people aren't a part of it.  That's like saying you can't go to a restaurant or somewhere else and talk about honeysuckle because the people at the next table weren't invited.  

If it bothers you, learn how to tune it out.  It has nothing to do with manners.  That's life.  People talk about what they did over the weekend or on a particular night if it was exciting or important to them.  I seriously doubt the only reason they are talking about it is to shove it your face.

Well ok then.   Wow.  Guess i shouldn't be teaching my daughter to be considerate of her other friends if she was invited to something they werent.  Sorry i expressed my feelings.

Dd, schools here ask parents to have the kids give Birthday invitations in private so as to not make other kids feel left out. I think you should continue to teach your daughter about consideration...helps build her judgement skills and recognize situations where others can be affected. Honestly, too many people I know pride themselves on being ********/ bitches and not giving a **** about anyone. It comes as no surprise to me that communities where I am are less connected and concerned for each other than they used to be.
 
dd11 said:
Well ok then.   Wow.  Guess i shouldn't be teaching my daughter to be considerate of her other friends if she was invited to something they werent.  Sorry i expressed my feelings.

It's not really about being considerate or not. We shouldn't expect to be involved in things just because. People should be able to talk about whatever they want, things and events that happen to them or events they've participated in, without the thought that someone will be upset that they weren't invited. Sorry, but that just sounds like a spoiled person when they think that people should be hush-hush about things simply because not everyone was invited.
 
I think after the age of 10, it's understand that you won't be invited to everything just because you're in the same class. And why does it matter whether a person gets invited to something and their friends don't? The next time I have a party, should I tell all my friends to invite THEIR friends so they don't feel left out? Um, no. Again, life doesn't work that way.
 
I think distinctions have to be made between ignorant and malicious behavior here. If you are aware of an event everyone was invited to in an obvious manner, but you were not even asked whether you are interested then I'd say you have some reason to be skeptical, especially if you had the impression that you were well-liked and included in the community of workers. Let alone if you made it known that you were looking to connect with other people. I can understand that you might not have been brash enough to actively ask to be take part as well...maybe it would have been a necessary step, even if it can lead to some conflict or even saddening revelations. Like people making bad excuses. But it's not always clear why some people are excluded or almost invisible to others.

I'm an established introvert in my company at this point, but I do participate on occasion in nights out if I'm asked to and if I'm in the mood, so to say. But because of my reputation I wouldn't be surprised if people aren't asking or wait for me to inquire. And I wouldn't even say I'm well liked by my colleagues. I'm cooperative and easy-going which has to suffice.

My first reaction is not to attribute malice to such behavior. It is quite difficult if you have a history of exclusion or just feeling excluded, but it helps me maintain sanity.
 
I guess I thought this was a board where you could really say how you feel. Whether or not is "right". Kind of like a previous thread where we talked about verbalizing your loneliness and in reality, you can't. You can't admit it out loud because it makes you look like a sad sack. But, that just proves it again and again. It is very taboo to even bring such things up lest it make you look like a loser.
 
dd11 said:
I guess I thought this was a board where you could really say how you feel.  Whether or not is "right".  Kind of like a previous thread where we talked about verbalizing your loneliness and in reality, you can't.  You can't admit it out loud because it makes you look like a sad sack. But, that just proves it again and again.  It is very taboo to even bring such things up lest it make you look like a loser.

So you can say how you feel, but no one can disagree with you?  Chances are good that not everyone is going to agree with you, regardless of what you say.  We are all entitled to our opinions.  You asked a question.  Just because you didn't get everyone telling you what you want to hear doesn't mean you can't say what you feel.  It just means that not everyone agrees with you....
 
I am with the ones saying you shouldn't "showcase" it too much. Basic manners there. I am also one of those that got about 3 birthday invitations throughout school days, was alone at all those parties and heard about many more in school, on lessons and on the breaks. It shapes kids in no good ways. Many throw around terms about things they do not know much about. "Git gud" doesn't help, sometimes education (of children and grownups, about manners) could be in it's place. I don't mind people talking about their happy meetings, I mind people excluding someone, the same every time, with the acceptance of parents and society. Kids aren't kindness incarnated, and if they aren't taught kindness, they will most likely not automatically acquire it until they're grown-ups either.
 

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