Anxiety/Inability to Date

Hey everyone! So just curious if anyone had any thoughts on this, or has ever been in a similar place as me

I am in my 20s. I have dealt with a lot of depression when it comes to my dating/love life. I am a virgin who has never been in a serious, committed relationship. I feel like a strong point of mine is being empathetic and trying to meet the emotional and physical needs of others, so I feel like it shouldn't be this hard. 

I have expressed interest in getting to know people before, but I have trouble pursuing people. I'm not a "catch" in the usual sense of the word. I don't just have people lining up. And so usually I start psychoanalyzing myself and my anxiety gets in the way, and I think they don't return my feelings and I'm inconveniencing them. There have been times in the past when I have admitted to liking people and the reaction was "I like you, but not like that. I'm interested in so-and-so. He's HOT. And you're-well, you're great." The one girl who I liked through most of high school was finally confronted by the possibility of us dating when her parents brought it up in front of both of us (awkward) and she got visibly uncomfortable and started to get teary-eyed.

The usual by-line is that I'm a great friend, but people don't want to be with me. I've tried to fix myself, but I honestly don't know what to do.

I want to say it's going to get better, but I'm afraid I have some bad news for you......

I'm in the same boat as you. Only I've turned 30, I've been through what you're going through. Heck, I'm still living it. You mentioned that your strength is being empathetic, and eager to meet the emotional needs of others. My guess is that, you might be alittle TOO eager to fulfill said needs. it's a trademark feature of the doormat/niceguy archetype. I learnt too late that this gets you recognized as a dependable friend, but nothing more. Now, I'm not sure how far into your twenties you are, but I feel it's likely you've been this way for so long, that being anything else is an utterly alien concept now.

You COULD try to care just alittle less about the emotional needs of others, or at the very least, make yourself alittle less available. Only don't expect that to work either. In the dating scene, women are not exactly starved for attention. Go on any dating site, make a fake female profile, and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. Milo Yiannopoulos wrote some brillant articles closely related to this titled, "The Sexodus". At some point in his articles, he mentions that the top 80% of women are accessible to only the top 20% of men. Granted, the stats are likely exaggerated, but he's not far from the truth. And you and I, are casualties of the times.

People here might part advice to you on how to be more appealing to females. But what worked for them, may not work for you. The truth is, that there is no surefire method to become more appealing. It's my belief is people have a natural attractiveness about them, which is aided by artificial methods(the basic stuff, like hygene, grooming, diet, lifestyle, etc). If you feel that you need to build your appeal entirely through artificial means, and it's something you need to put an immense amount of thought and effort into, well...... I think you know what I'm implying.

And, it's a vicious cycle we find ourselves in. We put too much stock into trying something, banking on success, only to have it fail. Then, it's back to the deep introspection. And we end up doubling down on the things that were holding up back to begin with. People will tell you then, to stop thinking about it entirely. They'll tell you to drown it out in social hobbies and such. And I agree. It works, to an extent. But that ever growing void of loneliness never truly leaves you. You'll see your friends partner up. You'll see your female friends lament over being unable to find a decent guy, and they'll always overlook you, because you've been friends with them for too long for them to see you as anything else. If all of this sounds bleak, it's because it is. Sorry b0ss, but I'm not in the business of sugar coating.

But hey, look at it this way. At least you won't be adding to the planet's overpopulation crisis anytime soon.

Happy belated easter!

You summed up exactly how it works. It's ironic, isn't? The only way to get what is more important to you in life is not caring for it. The moment you care too much, the universe feels you don't deserve those things and the cycle you get in pushes down every time this desperation comes around.

It's classic Murphy's Law. "In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it."

It's a vicious cycle because for alot of us, it's not possible to be entirely apathetic to the things and people we care about. And the universe has a cruel sense of humour. I spent years building myself up to a point where I WAS content with my solitary existence. So the powers that be put my workmate's attractive ex girlfriend in my path whom entices me to act against my morals, only to utterly obliterate my soul in the space of a fortnight.

In the same boat, except I'm almost 38. The way the social dynamics are, just admitting we care about being in a relationship is enough to have us labelled deficient. Beyond the norm for men to be the initiators and earn it (which doesn't look like it's going to change), I get the impression women are more reconciled to being alone in the absence of an 'ideal partner'. What you might call a disparity of desire and less of a willingness to compromise it seems.

All you can do is try to not look too dissatisfied with the way things currently are. I guess... but then I'm not a success story.

ardour said:

In the same boat, except I'm almost 38. The way the social dynamics are, just admitting we care about being in a relationship is enough to have us labelled  deficient. Beyond the norm for men to be the initiators and earn it (which doesn't look like it's going to change), I get the impression women are more reconciled to being alone in the absence of an 'ideal partner'. What you might call a disparity of desire and less  of a willingness to compromise it seems.

All you can do is try to not look too dissatisfied with the way things currently are. I guess... but then I'm not a success story.

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....And now I'm going to pour even more salt into those wounds.....

You mention that admitting to caring about being in a relationship is enough to get us labelled as 'deficient, as if we get unfairly labelled when we'd otherwise make for great long term partners. There's a hard truth that you, myself, and the OP need to face. We don't get unfairly labelled at all. We simply are deficient. 

In my original reply, I stated the belief that certain people attain a natural attractiveness to them. I also believe that romantic relationships are a natural process of bonding, that's just helped along alittle. As I stated before, if you feel that getting into a relationship is something you need to actively force effort into, then I'm sorry. But you just might not be an attractive person for whatever reason. Scariest part? It doesn't even have to be physical attributes. I can attest. At the age of 30, I'm easy on the eyes, but that's all I am. Beneath the surface, I'm a nervous shell of a being, and everyone can see it. And let's be honest here. It's not an attractive personality trait for a guy. 

You also mentioned how society will likely still demand that males be the initiators of contact. No. That's not going to change. Nor should it change. Because that initiation, is actually, a test of strength and character. An ideal male should be able to weather a few, or many rejections to his ego. If the thought of even asking a girl out causes you to crumple and fall, well it doesn't really invoke much confidence in the other person. My female friends have seen me break again and again without even making any kind of effort. Needless to say, they've all but stopped with the pep talks of confidence. They know I'm a lost cause. 

Again.... HAPPY BELATED EASTER!

Red_Wedding_Casualty said:

....And now I'm going to pour even more salt into those wounds.....

You mention that admitting to caring about being in a relationship is enough to get us labelled as 'deficient, as if we get unfairly labelled when we'd otherwise make for great long term partners. There's a hard truth that you, myself, and the OP need to face. We don't get unfairly labelled at all. We simply are deficient. 

In my original reply, I stated the belief that certain people attain a natural attractiveness to them. I also believe that romantic relationships are a natural process of bonding, that's just helped along alittle. As I stated before, if you feel that getting into a relationship is something you need to actively force effort into, then I'm sorry. But you just might not be an attractive person for whatever reason. Scariest part? It doesn't even have to be physical attributes. I can attest. At the age of 30, I'm easy on the eyes, but that's all I am. Beneath the surface, I'm a nervous shell of a being, and everyone can see it. And let's be honest here. It's not an attractive personality trait for a guy. 

You also mentioned how society will likely still demand that males be the initiators of contact. No. That's not going to change. Nor should it change. Because that initiation, is actually, a test of strength and character. An ideal male should be able to weather a few, or many rejections to his ego. If the thought of even asking a girl out causes you to crumple and fall, well it doesn't really invoke much confidence in the other person. My female friends have seen me break again and again without even making any kind of effort. Needless to say, they've all but stopped with the pep talks of confidence. They know I'm a lost cause. 

Again.... HAPPY BELATED EASTER!

Click to expand...

And a happy Easter to you…
 
I was addressing the OP, but in reply to your statements, I don’t subscribe to evopsych theories, not to that extreme. Be that as it may, the OP has to live in this reality, take on that role if things are to change for him. No, I'm not attractive facially, and awkward, and that's in all likelihood the problem...but I'm also lazy. There's an obvious fallacy in saying attractive men don't have to put effort in. Obviously they have to, and deal with similar insecurities as part of rejection.

You're not informing me of anything I haven't heard before, and I can't see the point of your responses other than to convince the OP, who's probably a few years your junior, to completely give up and join you in misery.

Being knocked back used to break my heart in a big way as a youngster. You will learn not to take it so personally as time goes by. Who knows one day you may even be able  to take it with a wry smile.
Its a girls prerogative. You have to accept that and get on with whatever pleases you!