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EveWasFramed

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Answers from step parents especially appreciated. 

My husband's ex often asks him if my stepsons (16 and 18) can stay here because she has something on or is taking one of her many mini vacations. She knows that HE won't be here, as he works out of state. When wont text me to ask, just him. He always agrees because he says his kids are welcome in his home anytime. Am I being odd or unreasonable to think it should be MY decision as to whether or not they can stay here if their father won't be in residence?
Do you think it's just selfishness of both parents, or genuine ignorance as to stepmom boundaries?
 
I think they should be welcomed any time - they are his kids after all. But I think it's just about childish that she won't ask you. Maybe because she thinks you'll deny her the request, or maybe because she doesn't like you? I'm not sure, but a grown woman with grown children shouldn't be so childish herself. Whether she likes it or not, he's moved on, married someone else, and she needs to accept that.

On the flip side of thinking they should be welcome, perhaps your husband should consider your opinion on it just as equally. To me, that would probably be more fair. Because why can't they just stay at their mother's, just the two of them? The one is 18. They should be fine.
 
Considering what you've told us of his sons, you should be asked especially since you have a kid in the house as well too, and have your and her safety to think about. It would be different if he was there more and had stricter rules for them that he actually followed up on it and parented his kids. You live there too, and end up have to put up with all their honeysuckle so you should be included.
 
VanillaCreme said:
I think they should be welcomed any time - they are his kids after all. But I think it's just about childish that she won't ask you. Maybe because she thinks you'll deny her the request, or maybe because she doesn't like you? I'm not sure, but a grown woman with grown children shouldn't be so childish herself. Whether she likes it or not, he's moved on, married someone else, and she needs to accept that.

On the flip side of thinking they should be welcome, perhaps your husband should consider your opinion on it just as equally. To me, that would probably be more fair. Because why can't they just stay at their mother's, just the two of them? The one is 18. They should be fine.

And there you have it. She doesn't trust them. And rightfully so. So she puts that responsibility off on ME so she can take her vacations and honeysuckle.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Considering what you've told us of his sons, you should be asked especially since you have a kid in the house as well too, and have your and her safety to think about.  It would be different if he was there more and had stricter rules for them that he actually followed up on it and parented his kids.  You live there too, and end up have to put up with all their honeysuckle so you should be included.

You're exactly right. They feel they should allow the boys to make decisions. The problem is, all they make is BAD ones. If I'm forced to provide supervision for them, it should be on MY terms, not theirs. 
A few may have read in a previous post that my husband bought the 16 year old a car three weeks ago. Since the topic was brought up to me, by each parent, I gave my opinion that he wasn't ready to be turned loose behind the wheel yet, not mature enough to drive responsibly.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Considering what you've told us of his sons, you should be asked especially since you have a kid in the house as well too, and have your and her safety to think about.  It would be different if he was there more and had stricter rules for them that he actually followed up on it and parented his kids.  You live there too, and end up have to put up with all their honeysuckle so you should be included.

You're exactly right. He is lax with them. His stance is that you have to give a young adult opportunities  to make good decisions. Well, the problem is they DONT make good decisions! Because of that, I don't want to be responsible for them! As some of you might have read, my husband bought the 16 year old a car three weeks ago. I told both parents that he wasn't ready for that yet, that he isnt mature enough and hadnt logged enough supervised driving time. 
Well, three days ago, he was speeding in the rain, hydroplaned and totaled the car. $5400 gone. 
Luckily, he just had a few aches. He was very lucky. He wasn't even supposed to be driving the car - his brother was. 
Their mom asked their dad if they could stay here an extra two days because she was on one of her mini vacations again (I was told after they agreed to it). Well, I left for work before he had to go to school. I had no idea that he'd called his mother, who was three hours away, and claimed to be sick. 
She told him to go to school. Instead of getting his brother to drive (he has no parking pass for the school) he went on his own and thought to park at a nearby store and walk to school from there which, (if he wasn't ignorant to laws regarding that here) would get his car towed away.  
I find out NONE of this until I get a call from her (I'm already at work, training my replacement) saying that stepson had hydroplaned and been in an accident and could I handle it, that she was hours away. I left work immediately (lost most of the day's wages) and arrived just as the police did. I made sure he didn't need an ambulance and wasn't hurt. I said nothing, other than asking fin he was ok, etc. I waited on the side of the road with him (in my car) for the tow truck and the officer to write his citation for driving too fast for conditions. Car was a total loss, bent the frame. He's lucky to be alive. I then took him home and waited another couple of hours for his mother to arrive. 
Do I begrudge being needed in an emergency? Absolutely not. Did I mind taking care of her child until she picked him up? Of course not. 
Do I mind being forced to be responsible for two young adults that don't have a thimble full of common sense and integrity between the two of them? Yes, I mind a great deal. 
Why should I welcome them here when neither parent is around to be responsible for them when they break laws, drink, etc? 
Why does their mother think it's perfectly acceptable to send them over here without their dad here? If they were kids who weren't constantly doing dangerous/stupid honeysuckle and I could set the rules for those times, Id be ok with them being here with their parents gone. 
Is she really just that stupid, or is it that she's selfish and doesn't give a honeysuckle, as long as they aren't at HER house getting into trouble?!

Ugh.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Considering what you've told us of his sons, you should be asked especially since you have a kid in the house as well too, and have your and her safety to think about.  It would be different if he was there more and had stricter rules for them that he actually followed up on it and parented his kids.  You live there too, and end up have to put up with all their honeysuckle so you should be included.

Very good point. There's someone else in the house who has every right to be comfortable and safe.

EveWasFramed said:
VanillaCreme said:
On the flip side of thinking they should be welcome, perhaps your husband should consider your opinion on it just as equally. To me, that would probably be more fair. Because why can't they just stay at their mother's, just the two of them? The one is 18. They should be fine.

And there you have it. She doesn't trust them. And rightfully so. So she puts that responsibility off on ME so she can take her vacations and honeysuckle.

Hate to sound mean, but if she doesn't trust her own kids, that's her problem. I know that whether it would be now or 15 years ago, I could have stayed home alone and my mom wouldn't have thought much of it. She would have worried, but only because she would want to know if I was okay. Not because I was untrustworthy with anything. That sounds like an issue she needs to work out with her kids.
 
****...

Is it worth it Eve?

Dealing with a lifetime of that sounds like a nightmare.

I don't think you are being odd to feel that way. And I do think the mom is being selfish. I don't wanna trash your husband but... yeah... his kids o_O
 
Selfishness on her part.

Inconsideration on his part.

It would be different if "he" was there and helping to raise "his" kids.

But that's not the situation.

You are being asked to babysit grown-ass deviants.

Does he have the right to do this? Yes

Is it extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful to his wife? Yes
 
I am going to probably be hated for this post but I would rather say how I see things and be honest. I am a parent to a 12 year old child,so not quite the age that your Stepsons are and I split up with my Son's Dad when my Son was 4. His Dad basically remarried and they have two kids of their own,so I will probably come at this from a Parent's point of view.

I can understand your upset and anger,I think it's wrong that you don't get included in the decision making more. She has a right to have a break too and go on her mini vacations or anywhere else that's her business,but I do feel that a large part of that time should be when their Dad is around so that they can build a relationship with him. She probably doesn't ask you because she senses your anger and upset and I have to admit,i've read two of your posts and both of those came across as quite hostile towards her,probably because you've got to the point where you are fed up with the situation. You've not mentioned how often your Partner is working away,however if it is quite a lot,she is going to leave them with just you. He probably feels they are his Sons and you are part of the family,if you were a babysitter it would be a different story.

"Do I mind being forced to be responsible for two young adults that don't have a thimble full of common sense and integrity between the two of them? Yes, I mind a great deal"

"I don't want to be responsible for them!"

Thing is,they came as a package deal,and you must have known that when you got with their Dad,should you be forced? no,you shouldn't,are you in part responsible?,erm yes,you're with their dad. When I send my Son to his Dad,I expect both his Dad and his new Partner to care about his welfare. You are a couple and they've kind of become your kids too,which is probably why she feels it's ok to leave them with you.

However I would expect my Son to respect his Stepmum and her boundaries,not because she's the Stepmum,but I expect my Son to have respect for people in general and it doesn't sound to me that you are being given that respect and that's what the problem is here. It doesn't sound like you are being respected enough,you do have a right to boundaries and what behaviour you would and wouldn't expect from them and expect to have more involvement with the decision making; especially if they are going to be trusted in your care and are now part of the family and that's what I would go forward on.
 
Kamya, Bleed and Serephina...
Thank you for your replies.
Kamya - my husband is worth it. Just not sure if I can make it until his grown children are just visiting - not being forced on us anytime their mother wants time off.
Bleed - not much to say other than I agree.

Serephina - a few things I will clarify. When my husband and I met, and we're dating and then became engaged, we talked about expectations and child rearing. What we talked about and what actually happened, were completely different. Short of leaving the marriage when things were revealed in time, I've been forced to tolerated many things. Car wrecking, one of them hitting MY car, underaged drinking in front of my 11 year old, finding pot in the driveway and on the back porch, filth to clean up, etc.
I feel like I put up with plenty of crap from the boys and that I shouldn't have to put up with the ex's too.
Yes, when the kids are scheduled to be here, which is often, she has a right to do as she pleases, as often as she likes and it's none of my business.  I am not rude to her and treat her children kindly and with respect when they are here. I've often volunteered to take them to doctors and dentists appointments so she doesn't have to lose time from work. I've driven across town to pick them up and take them to dinner because their mother was off doing whatever and they had nothing in the house to cook. I don't hate the children and I try to be good to them, even though they lie to me and treat me poorly. I deal with all that well enough.
But while I feel I should offer help and support for the kids, I shouldn't have to be a doormat for their mother.
Also, when my child goes to visit her dad, I make sure she knows how to treat his partner. His partner and I work together to make sure no one has any resentment, etc.
I'm not even sure hubby and the ex realize what they're doing.
 
Serephina...
I have a question for you, if you don't mind. By the way, I'm also a parent- of a daughter who is almost 12.
If your own child(ren) had behavioral issues, such as the ones I've mentioned, would you feel it was ok to drop your 16 and 18 year old children with your ex husband's wife, knowing she wasn't comfortable with being responsible for them when their father wasn't around? And even going so far as to not even ask her about it? Just so you could go have fun during times that the children were scheduled to be with you?
Being a parent myself, as well as a step parent also, I would never have such expectations from any person other than my child's other parent. And even then, schedule changes would only be under extenuating circumstances and discussed and approved with my ex husband and his wife. It's just simple common courtesy in my opinion.
When I handled everything when my stepson wrecked his car, and after his ex wife's lack of action, my husband told me that it was sad that I cared more for the child than his own mother did. He OFTEN tells me that. There is no issue as far as how I treat his children and even his ex wife. I know that my rants here come across as desperate and possibly hateful, but this is something that gets bottled up and isn't taken out on anyone. Sometimes, you just need confirmation that it's not you who is being inconsiderate, but the other person.
 
When my Baby Mama left to go relieve her teenage years...

I filed for full custody and was generous in giving her every other weekend.

Sometimes, we'd show up with my daughter to drop her off with her mom and she would come outside dressed up for an evening of bar-hopping and say "I am so sick. Can she please stay with you?"...while my daughter was standing there.

I'd say "Yep"...put on the biggest smile and tell the kid it's time for a fun night, movie, pizza, all the stuff!

Some moms just ain't no good.
 
bleed_the_freak said:
When my Baby Mama left to go relieve her teenage years...

I filed for full custody and was generous in giving her every other weekend.

Sometimes, we'd show up with my daughter to drop her off with her mom and she would come outside dressed up for an evening of bar-hopping and say "I am so sick. Can she please stay with you?"...while my daughter was standing there.

I'd say "Yep"...put on the biggest smile and tell the kid it's time for a fun night, movie, pizza, all the stuff!

Some moms just ain't no good.

This is awful. I'm sorry your daughter had to experience that. Hope that with the love you give her there wasn't a considerable amount of damage done.
 
You're being used, Eve, and inconsiderately too. If you're going to hold onto your marriage, keep on minding the two young men, somehow, but announce a cut off date....expressed as an age the youngsters attain, 18 yrs old for example, after which you will no longer be responsible for their management. And be firm about it, because it seems their mom & dad can be manipulative and willing to exploit your good nature if you let them do it.
 
Eve,I went on the information that was in front of me. My Son does have behaviour issues,i'm normally quite a private reserved person but my Son has adhd and autism. However,I am very concerned for what you are saying,it's the underage drinking in front of your 11 year old and finding pot in your driveway which could be seen by your child that concerns me the most,not only would I be fuming but I don't think they could be trusted in front of my kid until they changed their behaviour. As much as your Partner needs to build a relationship with all his children,I think the health and safety of children is paramount and I think their Dad and their Mum need to be getting a lot tougher on the 16 and 18 year old. I'm sorry you're going through this Eve,no you're not being inconsiderate,but you do need to stand your ground for the sake of your 11 year old.
 
constant stranger said:
You're being used, Eve, and inconsiderately too.  If you're going to hold onto your marriage, keep on minding the two young men, somehow, but announce a cut off date....expressed as an age the youngsters attain, 18 yrs old for example, after which you will no longer be responsible for their management.  And be firm about it, because it seems their mom & dad can be manipulative and willing to exploit your good nature if you let them do it.

Lol...the older one will be 19 in August. They say he's an adult and doesn't need a babysitter, yet she won't leave him alone overnight at her home. She CLEARLY thinks he can't be trusted, so that CLEARLY makes me her babysitter when she brings him here (without talking to ME about it, mind you) doesnt it? Any time they've been left alone, they've broken what few rules have been in place.
 
Serephina said:
Eve,I went on the information that was in front of me. My Son does have behaviour issues,i'm normally quite a private reserved person but my Son has adhd and autism. However,I am very concerned for what you are saying,it's the underage drinking in front of your 11 year old and finding pot in your driveway which could be seen by your child that concerns me the most,not only would I be fuming but I don't think they could be trusted in front of my kid until they changed their behaviour. As much as your Partner needs to build a relationship with all his children,I think the health and safety of children is paramount and I think their Dad and their Mum need to be getting a lot tougher on the 16 and 18 year old. I'm sorry you're going through this Eve,no you're not being inconsiderate,but you do need to stand your ground for the sake of your 11 year old.

Thank you for replying. The 16 year old has ADHD as well. I am very tolerant of that. My own little one doesn't have it, but she's pretty forgetful herself. I have a lot of patience with that. My frustrations come more from the parents, and what they allow, more so than from the kids. It's very difficult to bite my tongue but I do fairly well a it. They know better than to do the things they do, but they're allowed to, so why wouldn't they?
If I'm being honest with myself, I suppose that since I'm always willing to help when needed, treat everyone kindly and tolerate their behavior, that I feel they shouldnt abuse my kindness and discount my not wanting to be responsible for them if there's no good reason for it. They are scheduled here every other weekend and every other week when school is out. If she feels like she wants more vacations, the right thing to do is plan that for when their dad will be here, instead of the two of them making that decision and leaving me to handle things. Emergencies and special occasions are one thing, but an ex wife's whims shouldn't be my problem. 
I agree that the parents aren't providing proper parental supervision. 
Thanks again for replying.


bleed_the_freak said:
You can't waltz in and fix a lifetime of bad parenting. Not even SuperMom could do that.
I know. I stopped trying to help parent them in our home ages ago, when it became clear that our parenting styles were completely different. The 16 year old would become angry at me if I didn't allow him to do the things his dad would (when his dad was gone at the time). After a time or two of that, I decided it wasn't a good idea to plant myself between him and his parents.
We are moving in June. I'm hoping (badly) that the five hours of distance will provide a buffer of sorts. 
Again, thank you all so much for responding!!
 

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