No more hope

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mauthecat

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Well, I guess you are here now, depression, maybe not, maybe it is just having no more hope, I was the kind of person who always had hope, always thought there was a way out, things can only get better, not today. I took a few sleeping pills last night just to manage to get throw it, sadly you get to wake up again to your reality, the sorrow and despair weighing heavily in your heart, feeling your body is to heavy to even stand worse to walk, I guess it was hope that kept me going after all. Eyes flooded with tears, even when you are not really crying, and that burning sensation at the back of my throat, all is lost. 
I have a week of this to expect, some moments will be even harder, I have no idea how I am going to do this. 
I wanted love so badly, when I gave up it found me, but love can make you feel so hi, and also so low. Love will make you do anything, but when you feel it fading, you fade away too. I started to fade a while back, but hoped love was still there. 
Now, love is gone, I am still in love, to someone that is gone, I cant blame him, I really did try mi amor, even if you couldnt see it. I am sorry, so sorry for not being strong enough. 
Every time I hear a car passing by I hope it is you, then I remember that will never be true again. I have lost you mi amor. 
I dont know how I will get on that plane this time, last time I almost didnt make it, if God has mercy for me maybe this time I wont make it, maybe he will just say it is ok to stop now. Mau will be on her way home, they will take care of her.. 
And I will be on my way to a different place. Or maybe I will be stuck here, trying to fix all the things I did wrong. 
I have no hope anymore, the one who was my light is gone, now there is only darkness. I know I will get used to the loneliness, but the pain of letting you down, that will never go away, I gave it all, now I have nothing. I feel the nothing will consume me, and I will disappear, as if I had never really existed, nothing will ever be ok again. 
So, this is what hopelessness is like, just darkness and sorrow, waiting for divine grace to say, this is your last breath. 
I am so sorry, for everything I did wrong, even sometimes without knowing. 
I am just an empty shell now, no reason to go on, yet I have to somehow. Even if for Mau´s sake, just to get her there. 
I am as worthless as all the stuff that ended up in the trash, no one will pick me up and take me to the dumpster though. I will have to pick the trash I have become.
I am sorry ALL members I might be posting a lot today, and the following days, trying to find a way to get some of the emotions out, there is no one else and no where else I can do this with. 
I lost my light, my home, and with that went all my hope. And as hard as you try not to, you just keep breathing.
 
So sorry to hear that, Mauthecat. I know it's hard, but you can do it. Just stay strong and know that there are people here listening.
 
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I hope things get better for you.
 
Thank you Wallflower79, Thank you Kamya (I really like that movie). 

I am a bit claustrophobic, and at the same time agoraphobic, which I always found funny because it reminds me of this comedy skit of this guy who was claustrophobic and agoraphobic just running out of his house screaming running back in and screaming running out screaming and so on. 
It is so ridiculous it is funny. And maybe I found it so funny because I can relate. 

Yet here I am, in a different country, as terrified as I was I had the best reason to get on those airplanes and come, I was terrified, but I did it, left everyone and everything I knew behind, to try and be a little light to someone, even if just a little. But once here, I felt useless, like a burden, I wasnt helping I was making everything worse, and as much as I tried something was always wrong, and I started to panic, and when I panic I just might as well disconnect my brain and hang up a sign that says gone for the day or something, because I turn stupid, so stupid. And I forget things, and panic more, and I keep trying and screwing up. 
And I cant be honest with anyone back home about how I really am a patethic looser came all this way but cant seem to make anything ok. 

I just...I guess I stopped feeling worthy of love, and maybe there was a little distance from the other side, it sure felt that way to me, but it might be just my impression. Maybe it was just me, why would any body love me, or want me around, this useless person. And I tend to be very very sensitive, so I was constantly sad or upset about things that maybe for someone else would have meant nothing. 

I managed to fresia everything up. I didnt do it alone, there are things that either of us could have done differently. But I know how much you tried, don´t think I dont know, I tried so much too. You mean the world to me, mi amor, my light.

Now, I am like the comic skit, go out smoke, run back inside, try not to freak out, breath in out, in out, look at the luggage, I should pack, but i cant bring myself to start yet. Mau is crying and looking all over, no Mau, please shut up, shut up, I know Mau I know.  So out we go, smoke a bit more, run back inside again. trying not to think on how am I going to make myself pack, thinking hell, I will take the fewest things possible, throw the rest away, I dont want to carry anything, I can barely stand, and I dont need anything anymore. 

it is getting dark, another cold lonely night, alone in a half empty room, filled with memories. warm beer, and the energy of a slug, cant even type any more. I just stare at the screen.
 

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