another rant *sigh*

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

EveWasFramed

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2011
Messages
11,507
Reaction score
24
Location
Georgia, US
 
So much has happened in a little over a week. It's simply unfathomable. 16 yo stepson wrecked and totaled the car his dad just bought him - $5400 down the drain. One week later, he "runs away" and comes back at six the next morning, less a $550 xbox One and a nearly brand new iPhone 7. Says he spent the night in the woods. Cops made him take them to where he claimed to have left his stuff - no stuff to be found. Two days later, at my suggestion, his mom had him drug tested. So, I'm guessing he traded $1250 worth of electronics that his dad worked hard to buy for him, to go on a weed bender. 
He has fines to pay for his citation when he wrecked his car, and also a misdemeanor to be in court for - its against the law to run away in GA. 
His mom is saying she "can't deal with him anymore" and saying we need to take him back. My husband reminder her that we're moving into a two bedroom apartment and have nowhere to put him. She suggested that he couldn't share a room with my 11 year old daughter. He said absolutely not. So then the kid calls him the next day, asking to move with us. He told him the same thing he told his ex - we have nowhere to put you. 
Today, the ex called him at work and said she and the kid had talked and the kid felt like no one wanted him and he thought it was best for him to move to TN for a fresh start. My husband reiterates the two previous conversations. 
She calls AGAIN, about 9:30 this evening, saying she asked the kid to pick up his area of the bedroom floor. Supposedly a fight ensued and she called my husband, saying she was shaking, she couldn't put up with the kid's crap anymore, etc. My husband asked her exactly what it was that she thought he could do from 350 miles away. She said I don't mean right this minute...

What she means is that she wants his dad to remove him from her home ASAP. He's costing her a lot of money in fines, etc. and she will likely have to take him to do community service work. She simply doesn't want him around because of drugs, he cost her money, he fights with her, doesn't do as he's told and won't do his schoolwork. 
So...I guess she thinks it's ok to send the kid to us, knowing full well that his dad works all the time and won't be there to keep an eye on him. What happened to raising your kids and tossing them off on someone else NOT being an option?? I've never ONCE called my ex husband and asked him to take my daughter, come get her for a while, etc. 

I'm sorry, I know everyone gets tired of seeing me beating my head against the wall about this stuff, but I have no place else to rent about it. 

Thank you!!
 
I'm really sorry to hear that, Eve. I don't have any kids so I have no idea what it is like to deal with those things, but I imagine it must be very angering that someone wants to use you like that. I wish there was something that I can do, but all I can offer is a listening ear. If you ever need to vent, you can message me and I'll listen.
 
wallflower79 said:
I'm really sorry to hear that, Eve. I don't have any kids so I have no idea what it is like to deal with those things, but I imagine it must be very angering that someone wants to use you like that. I wish there was something that I can do, but all I can offer is a listening ear. If you ever need to vent, you can message me and I'll listen.

Thank you, Wallflower. <3
 
Don't take him back, whatever you do. You don't know what a kid like him might be capable of around your daughter.
 
Military School

There is no such thing as a $1250 weed bender

(I used to be a serious pothead, and it was pushing it to smoke $50 worth of pot with a carload of friends in one night)

There is, however, a $1250 pill-heroin-coke-meth bender

(I also used to be a serious narcotic user, and I could go through $500 of coke in one night)

This kid has SERIOUS problems.

Hair follicle test.
 
bleed_the_freak said:
Military School

There is no such thing as a $1250 weed bender

(I used to be a serious pothead, and it was pushing it to smoke $50 worth of pot with a carload of friends in one night)

There is, however, a $1250 pill-heroin-coke-meth bender

(I also used to be a serious narcotic user, and I could go through $500 of coke in one night)

This kid has SERIOUS problems.

Hair follicle test.

Uh yeah, I'd have to agree with all of this, not even an ounce of weed would be getting even close to that cost.

He needs a change of circumstances and he needs it fast.
 
bleed_the_freak said:
Military School

I was thinking the same thing, this kid needs a drastic kick in the ass and wake-up call before it's too late, if it isn't already. Sounds like your husband grew a pair and is standing his ground, his son should be no where near your young daughter with the mess he's in. If he keeps this behavior up he'll wind up in juvenile detention.
 
Paraiyar said:
Don't take him back, whatever you do. You don't know what a kid like him might be capable of around your daughter.

I agree completely. But my husband would never consider letting him be on the streets if his mother kicks him out. I don't want him to be homeless - I just want him to learn to control himself. 
Also, there's the fact that I can't force anyone to tell him he can't come. His mother is sick of him and his father doesn't want to give up on him.


bleed_the_freak said:
Military School

There is no such thing as a $1250 weed bender

(I used to be a serious pothead, and it was pushing it to smoke $50 worth of pot with a carload of friends in one night)

There is, however, a $1250 pill-heroin-coke-meth bender

(I also used to be a serious narcotic user, and I could go through $500 of coke in one night)

This kid has SERIOUS problems.

Hair follicle test.

I'm sure he didn't get $1250 for the items. My guess is that he trades them for a small fraction of what we paid for them. I'm not sure what he might have gotten for them and what he bought with the money. He absolutely has serious problems. His mom knows it and doesnt want to deal with him. His dad blames his mom and his mom blames his dad and him. They all share an equal amount of the blame for what's going on. The child has MAJOR anger issues. He's going to get angry and lose his temper and either hurt someone or get his ass beaten. 
Question, Bleed, since you know about the subject...would a drug test in the doctor's office not reveal if he was doing harder drugs or taking pills? I don't really have any knowledge of how that works. Thank you.
 
Sci-Fi said:
bleed_the_freak said:
Military School

I was thinking the same thing, this kid needs a drastic kick in the ass and wake-up call before it's too late, if it isn't already.  Sounds like your husband grew a pair and is standing his ground, his son should be no where near your young daughter with the mess he's in.  If he keeps this behavior up he'll wind up in juvenile detention.

I thought he was too, but once the kid comes over here, his dad just buckles. I'm sure his mom is going to tell his dad that he needs to take him, or she will put him somewhere. He's already said he's not going to allow that. My hope for normalcy and a peaceful family life is slowly dying. 
I KNOW that's his child, but his parents are simply not capable of making good decisions when it comes to him. One wants to throw him away and the other wants to give him all the freedom he wants, thinking he will eventually "grow out of" his current miserable state. Im not sure a group home isn't whats best for him, but a treatment facility for teens who have drug and anger issues should be something they should set up for him immediately. 
You're right - he's going to end up in a juveline detention center if his dad doesn't stop expecting him to change on his own. He's simply not capable of it. =\
 
That sounds awful, D, sorry to hear you're in the middle of all that. One thing I've learned personally relationship-wise is if you hear "I just need time" or "Give me time" or "when x and y happen, things will be better" - that's a big red flag. Invariably it means "things are fubar but let's kick the can down the road and hope it resolves by itself" (it won't).
What are you going to do? Or are you an unwilling passenger on this crazy train?
 
SofiasMami said:
That sounds awful, D, sorry to hear you're in the middle of all that. One thing I've learned personally relationship-wise is if you hear "I just need time" or "Give me time" or "when x and y happen, things will be better" - that's a big red flag. Invariably it means "things are fubar but let's kick the can down the road and hope it resolves by itself" (it won't).
What are you going to do? Or are you an unwilling passenger on this crazy train?

Thanks, T. <3

So far, I've been an unwilling passenger. I did (just an hour ago) have a long talk with my husband about the situation. I know that there is no way he is going to allow his child to be kicked out with nowhere to live (and I don't fault him for that). I'd feel the same way if it was my own child. 
I think it's inevitable that his son will end up back with us, and before school starts back in August. 
I shared my honest opinions on the entire situation, especially my stepson's need for therapy, structure, kindness and discipline. I know that his mother is a horrible person and makes a huge difference between their two sons. I know that it makes the child feel that he is unwanted. I know he has major anger issues, mostly stemming from his mother's actions. He has zero coping skills - he lashes out when that anger builds up. Im not unsympathetic concerning his struggles.
I outlined for my husband, a plan that could give my stepson what he needs, without creating an unsafe home for my own child and one that would hopefully benefit my stepson, and keep my husband and myself from having a lot of hurt feelings and tension between us. I invested a lot of time and mental energy into the plan I presented and i feel that, for the first time, he really listened.
I laid out what each family member would need to work on (myself included), in order for our family to be able to get along and possibly become more like a normal family. These things included the items I mentioned above - structure, love, discipline if needed, responsibilities, expectations, etc. and of course, random drug tests. 
I told him what I'd be willing to do and what my expectations were if his son ended up with us. I gave opinions on what I thought might work for my stepson (pretty much the complete opposite of how his mother deals with him) such as therapy, consequences and occasional unexpected rewards for good behavior and good grades. I feel that he was open and honest with me and that he is now willing to share the parenting role, in support of providing a safe and stable environment for our children. I don't know if he will abide by this, should he agree to everything, but I could see the hope in his eyes. Hope that he might be able to save his child from self-destructing. 
I'm torn. How can I not help give my husband's child a chance to dodge the bullet that he's squarely planted himself in front of? I feel that he will either take very well to the structure, or become completely irredeemable. 
I'm still not sure what I should do. I can't really prevent him from being the child into our home. All I could do is leave, if things became unbearable or unsafe.
 
Perhaps his mother could have a follicle test as well. At some point this kid got the idea he could do anything he wants with no meaningful consequences, and so the behaviour has gotten to where it is now. His father buying him a console and an iPhone probably didn't help matters.

A stint in juvenile detention or foster care would probably do him good. He's been coddled, that obviously didn't work, and there really aren't any other options at this point. You can't take him in that's for certain.
 
Would juvy or foster care involve exposing him to kids who are much worse though? Not saying I'm against it, just another thought.
 
Regarding drug test, call your physician. He or she will give you the options. Much of the bad stuff will show up in a follicle test.

The goal of a positive drug test is to set a baseline of truth.

From there, you change the trajectory.
 
Paraiyar said:
Would juvy or foster care involve exposing him to kids who are much worse though? Not saying I'm against it, just another thought.

This was my thought as well. There are some hard core kids in those places. I feel exposing him to that environment would make him worse. He needs help - not more bad influences I think. It really should be a last resort.


bleed_the_freak said:
Regarding drug test, call your physician. He or she will give you the options. Much of the bad stuff will show up in a follicle test.

The goal of a positive drug test is to set a baseline of truth.

From there, you change the trajectory.

I can't call the doctor - he can't give me any info because I'm not his parent. 
However, I will certainly speak with his parents about that option. Thanks for the info on that - I had no idea they used hair to test.
 
Sounds like you've done all you can, D. It's ironic that you, a non-blood relative, seem to be more willing to parent the kid than his own parents. Are there any other relatives like grandparents or aunts/ uncles that can step in?
 
I know it's no consolation, but the University of Hard Knocks will straighten him up, whether he likes it or not.
You hang in there. Things will get better for you.
 
SofiasMami said:
Sounds like you've done all you can, D.  It's ironic that you, a non-blood relative, seem to be more willing to parent the kid than his own parents. Are there any other relatives like grandparents or aunts/ uncles that can step in?

Unfortunately, no. My husband's siblings are substantially older (middle and upper 60's). No one on his mother's side, as she cut ties with her family several years ago. 
You're right... I've been told, on numerous occasions, that I tried to be more of a parent to him than his bio parents. 
My husband's other son (he's almost 19 and their mother's favorite) had the gall to call his dad into his room and tell him that it was in everyone's best interest that he takes the younger son to TN with us, because he needs constant supervision. My husband asked him how he was supposed to do that, when he leaves for work at 5 AM and doesn't get home until about 6 PM. The older son said he knew it wasn't my responsibility, but I could be the one to constantly watch his brother. I'm assuming his mother put him up to telling his dad all this. It I furiated me. They have NO RIGHT to expect me to handle a child that they can't even handle. This is one of the main reasons that some of my resentment has built up. His ex wife should NEVER get to say what I should or shouldn't do. She also should not expect me to be her babysitter, especially considering she doesnt ask me, but asks my husband! 
She wants to shove her responsibilities off on ME. 
Like I said previously...I know that he will come to stay with us before school starts. The only hope of keeping my sanity is if my husband keeps to our agreement. If you won't let me help raise the child, you don't have the right to expect me to watch over him and make sure he doesn't get into troublemaker. Ugh.


Noctilucent said:
I know it's no consolation, but the University of Hard Knocks will straighten him up, whether he likes it or not.
You hang in there. Things will get better for you.

I hope so! 

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied!! <3
 
At this point, the most important thing you can do is define your limits and stand by them.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top