I've never used a forum before, i don't really know what to expect from it so i may as well start from the beginning. Warning, it's a long one!!
Last year my mam left my dad after 35 years of marriage due to his drink issues, what made her make this decision was my younger sister was in intensive care at hospital dealing with severe pancreatitis, and after looking after her for 20 hours solid, she and my older sister came home to a ton of abuse from my dad, whom was in a drunken mess on the sofa and angry they woke him up. Getting drunk was his way of dealing with it apparently, that and he doesn't like hospitals.
I was unaware of what was going on as myself and my partner had gone abroad for Christmas, they didn't want to worry me with things.
On my return, i found my mother and older sister staying at my house, ps my older sister came home to help for a month, she actually lives in another city, and my dad just being a mess on his own at my parents house, alone.
I went to stay with my partner, whom had a house approx 30 mins away. Months went by and my younger sister finally got well enough to come out of hospital but was still very sick, she had a tube in her back still and had to have a bag drained every so often, so she was still under care.
Things with my mam and dad didn't improve, my mother was heartbroken and my dad just wouldn't leave her alone, he kept sending her and myself abusive text messages, but our concentration was on my sister, and I had also found out i was pregnant. I thought if i told my dad he was going to be a granddad for the first time, he'd sort himself out with drink and leave my mam alone for a while. All my mam wanted was for him to get better and that maybe she would go back...
I told my dad the news and he was over joyed but one particular day in April 2016 my dad went back over, he started again with drunken phone calls, these were relentless, he just wasn't going to stop. We called the police who weren't much help and so after my dad suggested she cancel his phone contract in a stupid text message he sent, she did!
She did this on a Sunday afternoon, it was like a weight had lifted, the calls stopped, the texts stopped, it was nice.
A while later we were debating to leave my partners house to get ice-cream, my mother and sister stayed with me that night because of the abuse my dad was giving, also my partner works away so he wasn't present either, we saw my dad's blue jaguar reserving down the street, I was shocked that he remembered where my partner lived because he'd been once and his house is like a maze to get to, anyway i was very scared too because i knew he was drunk and driving, we were all petrified.
My mother and younger sister ran upstairs and I tried telling my dad to stop banging on the door, he came to the front room window and banged that, then he grabbed a brick and smashed the window, at this point i joined my mother and sister and called the police, we locked ourselves in the bathroom and waited for the police to come. My dad had gotten in to the house at this point and we could hear smashing and him shouting he was going to get us. I couldn't fully describe the fear we experienced as we genuinely thought he was going to kill us, you hear stories of people flipping and killing their loved ones in a rage, i assumed this was going to be one of those stories.
Time went by and i was begging the police to hurry up and save us, i was so worried for my poorly sister because she was so weak, and my mother who blamed herself for bringing this on us and also i was worried because i was still in early stage of pregnancy.
We heard him coming up the stairs, and trashing all the bedrooms and eventually he started banging on the door, he kept shouting he was going to get us and that there was no where on this earth we could hide. We all pushed against the door to try and slow him down from getting in, but eventually it broke and he squeezed his knee and hand in, i stared right at his blood shot eyes and listening to every threat he made, but never gave up pressing my whole weight against the door, we all didn't give up.
He stopped pushing and we managed to hold the door back in place, although it came out of hinges, i heard the door bell ringing and grabbed the phone and the 999 caller was asking how to get in, i was shouting at her to just break the door, she stated the police aren't responsible for damages to breaking in and was i sure!! i was thinking we were going to die, i didn't care about a damaged door! the house was wrecked anyway!
Sorry I waffled a fair bit there, in the end the police got my dad who was smashing a hoover up in the back garden, they arrested him and shouted it was safe for us to come down, long story short, he was charged with assault, criminal damages and drink driving, although he threatened to kill us and this was on police record too because they have a bobby cam recording, the court threw it out as a criminal activity because he was drunk.
feelings wise i was heartbroken, why had my dad done this? i was so angry. How could i ever forgive him?
He had an injunction against him ever contacting us for 1 year, it expired 25th April 2017.
So i left the area and started a new job, this was already planned, same with my mam, we didn't feel safe being in the same area as him.
We all moved, my younger sister got better properly by august, my mam started her job too and i was preparing to have a baby! I kept my pregnancy off FB because i didn't want any of his side of family keeping him up to date, i felt he lost that right.
In august my cat got ran over and died, i'd had her from a kitten and she was 5 years old, i was so upset. We were due to move again, me and my partner, within the same town but a better house.
In September, i was still feeling sad about my cat, my older sister turned 30, so flew to Amsterdam to celebrate, i was 8 1/2 months pregnant! I was still feeling all sorts of emotion about my dad, wondering how he was doing and how angry i was too, i had a conversation with my partner about how worried i was when i give birth that he'll try contacting me even though he's not allowed yet. Also it was sad he missed his eldest daughters 30th birthday celebrations, again it was a mixture of emotions i was going through.
We moved 25th October to our new house, this date i'll never forget, i was 5 days over due! but feeling proactive to get the house sorted quickly to have a baby room for our daughter.
I was downstairs unpacking and my partner came in to the room and sat me down, he'd just got off the phone to my mother, he told me that my dad had died, my goodness, typing this is bringing me to tears again.
He had fallen through an overhead crane and fell 40 ft, i was hysterical. I know i painted this picture of a drunk dad and you all maybe thinking he was terrible, and sometimes he was! but i have great memories of him too, we rode motorbikes together and he supported me going back to college. I was close to my dad out of the 3 daughters he had, i was and still am, heartbroken. 4 days later i gave birth to my daughter, i cried so much, so angry he didn't meet her and never would now. Labor is hard anyway but doing it when your dad died 4 days before was awful, i feel like it's tarnished what should have been a happy experience.
Investigations are taking place still about his death at work and it's looking like the company he worked for are liable. Which also makes me angry.
So really i'm writing this because i don't know how to feel one emotion, i feel like a vicious circle of emotions, because obviously i hated what he did to us in April but how can i get over never seeing him again, and that that day in April was the last time i saw him alive and under such circumstances, he was at his worst. I hate feeling the way i do. 6 months later and i still just block it out because i have my beautiful baby to look after.
Also on the 2nd May this year, my nana died, which was my dad's mam. Seriously what a year. I just feel so much hate.
I do see a counselor but i don't think she knows how to deal with so much that has happened. I have really low days, not often but they're there and never do i let my feelings affect how i look after my baby, but i do see her as a reminder of his death because of how close he died and she was born.
I don't really know how to end this, sorry it's a lot but this is in my head and in much more detail on a daily basis.
Hope someone can help?
xx
Last year my mam left my dad after 35 years of marriage due to his drink issues, what made her make this decision was my younger sister was in intensive care at hospital dealing with severe pancreatitis, and after looking after her for 20 hours solid, she and my older sister came home to a ton of abuse from my dad, whom was in a drunken mess on the sofa and angry they woke him up. Getting drunk was his way of dealing with it apparently, that and he doesn't like hospitals.
I was unaware of what was going on as myself and my partner had gone abroad for Christmas, they didn't want to worry me with things.
On my return, i found my mother and older sister staying at my house, ps my older sister came home to help for a month, she actually lives in another city, and my dad just being a mess on his own at my parents house, alone.
I went to stay with my partner, whom had a house approx 30 mins away. Months went by and my younger sister finally got well enough to come out of hospital but was still very sick, she had a tube in her back still and had to have a bag drained every so often, so she was still under care.
Things with my mam and dad didn't improve, my mother was heartbroken and my dad just wouldn't leave her alone, he kept sending her and myself abusive text messages, but our concentration was on my sister, and I had also found out i was pregnant. I thought if i told my dad he was going to be a granddad for the first time, he'd sort himself out with drink and leave my mam alone for a while. All my mam wanted was for him to get better and that maybe she would go back...
I told my dad the news and he was over joyed but one particular day in April 2016 my dad went back over, he started again with drunken phone calls, these were relentless, he just wasn't going to stop. We called the police who weren't much help and so after my dad suggested she cancel his phone contract in a stupid text message he sent, she did!
She did this on a Sunday afternoon, it was like a weight had lifted, the calls stopped, the texts stopped, it was nice.
A while later we were debating to leave my partners house to get ice-cream, my mother and sister stayed with me that night because of the abuse my dad was giving, also my partner works away so he wasn't present either, we saw my dad's blue jaguar reserving down the street, I was shocked that he remembered where my partner lived because he'd been once and his house is like a maze to get to, anyway i was very scared too because i knew he was drunk and driving, we were all petrified.
My mother and younger sister ran upstairs and I tried telling my dad to stop banging on the door, he came to the front room window and banged that, then he grabbed a brick and smashed the window, at this point i joined my mother and sister and called the police, we locked ourselves in the bathroom and waited for the police to come. My dad had gotten in to the house at this point and we could hear smashing and him shouting he was going to get us. I couldn't fully describe the fear we experienced as we genuinely thought he was going to kill us, you hear stories of people flipping and killing their loved ones in a rage, i assumed this was going to be one of those stories.
Time went by and i was begging the police to hurry up and save us, i was so worried for my poorly sister because she was so weak, and my mother who blamed herself for bringing this on us and also i was worried because i was still in early stage of pregnancy.
We heard him coming up the stairs, and trashing all the bedrooms and eventually he started banging on the door, he kept shouting he was going to get us and that there was no where on this earth we could hide. We all pushed against the door to try and slow him down from getting in, but eventually it broke and he squeezed his knee and hand in, i stared right at his blood shot eyes and listening to every threat he made, but never gave up pressing my whole weight against the door, we all didn't give up.
He stopped pushing and we managed to hold the door back in place, although it came out of hinges, i heard the door bell ringing and grabbed the phone and the 999 caller was asking how to get in, i was shouting at her to just break the door, she stated the police aren't responsible for damages to breaking in and was i sure!! i was thinking we were going to die, i didn't care about a damaged door! the house was wrecked anyway!
Sorry I waffled a fair bit there, in the end the police got my dad who was smashing a hoover up in the back garden, they arrested him and shouted it was safe for us to come down, long story short, he was charged with assault, criminal damages and drink driving, although he threatened to kill us and this was on police record too because they have a bobby cam recording, the court threw it out as a criminal activity because he was drunk.
feelings wise i was heartbroken, why had my dad done this? i was so angry. How could i ever forgive him?
He had an injunction against him ever contacting us for 1 year, it expired 25th April 2017.
So i left the area and started a new job, this was already planned, same with my mam, we didn't feel safe being in the same area as him.
We all moved, my younger sister got better properly by august, my mam started her job too and i was preparing to have a baby! I kept my pregnancy off FB because i didn't want any of his side of family keeping him up to date, i felt he lost that right.
In august my cat got ran over and died, i'd had her from a kitten and she was 5 years old, i was so upset. We were due to move again, me and my partner, within the same town but a better house.
In September, i was still feeling sad about my cat, my older sister turned 30, so flew to Amsterdam to celebrate, i was 8 1/2 months pregnant! I was still feeling all sorts of emotion about my dad, wondering how he was doing and how angry i was too, i had a conversation with my partner about how worried i was when i give birth that he'll try contacting me even though he's not allowed yet. Also it was sad he missed his eldest daughters 30th birthday celebrations, again it was a mixture of emotions i was going through.
We moved 25th October to our new house, this date i'll never forget, i was 5 days over due! but feeling proactive to get the house sorted quickly to have a baby room for our daughter.
I was downstairs unpacking and my partner came in to the room and sat me down, he'd just got off the phone to my mother, he told me that my dad had died, my goodness, typing this is bringing me to tears again.
He had fallen through an overhead crane and fell 40 ft, i was hysterical. I know i painted this picture of a drunk dad and you all maybe thinking he was terrible, and sometimes he was! but i have great memories of him too, we rode motorbikes together and he supported me going back to college. I was close to my dad out of the 3 daughters he had, i was and still am, heartbroken. 4 days later i gave birth to my daughter, i cried so much, so angry he didn't meet her and never would now. Labor is hard anyway but doing it when your dad died 4 days before was awful, i feel like it's tarnished what should have been a happy experience.
Investigations are taking place still about his death at work and it's looking like the company he worked for are liable. Which also makes me angry.
So really i'm writing this because i don't know how to feel one emotion, i feel like a vicious circle of emotions, because obviously i hated what he did to us in April but how can i get over never seeing him again, and that that day in April was the last time i saw him alive and under such circumstances, he was at his worst. I hate feeling the way i do. 6 months later and i still just block it out because i have my beautiful baby to look after.
Also on the 2nd May this year, my nana died, which was my dad's mam. Seriously what a year. I just feel so much hate.
I do see a counselor but i don't think she knows how to deal with so much that has happened. I have really low days, not often but they're there and never do i let my feelings affect how i look after my baby, but i do see her as a reminder of his death because of how close he died and she was born.
I don't really know how to end this, sorry it's a lot but this is in my head and in much more detail on a daily basis.
Hope someone can help?
xx