Falling apart

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mauthecat

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I am losing it, I try and pretend that I am ok, people at the office don´t notice how far gone I am, I just hide in the bathroom when need be. All they see is the facade.
At home, surprisingly I think the most unlikely person has noticed something is off, you miss him huh? she asks all the time. I just smile back, not being able to say a word as my eyes fill with tears, like right now. 
I have been holding back the tears since that day, I should have just ran back. I miss you doesn’t begin to describe it, I wake up looking for you, your smell all around me, but you are not there, in my dreams I see you, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, I feel the guilt even in my sleep, I breathe deep, it doesn’t help. 
When I have to, I get up, work, and somehow manage to do things while I think of you, while I fight back the tears. So many times a day I feel I am shattering, exploding, sending painful shards of me flying in every direction. Yet I keep trying to hold myself together. 
I have somethings I need to ask you, I don´t think now is the time however, I hope I find the right time. 
I try to keep breathing, I try to keep it together, but I am holding on by a thread. 
The panic attacks, the crying, the stress, they are wearing me down, I need my home, I need your arms. 
I wish things were simple, and I would be on my way right now to you, but I have to fix things here before I go. Leave no debt behind. Have answers to those questions. And I need to get one thing, one thing I never thought about before, I never imagined I would need. 
You are trying so, so hard. Either you are doing so much better than me, or you are doing this for my sake. But when I see you I do smile, a smile that comes from my sad broken heart. And you do make me laugh, you make me happy. I love you. 
I pray we will both hold on, and be together again soon, very very soon.
 

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