H
haywud
Guest
I know I need to get myself going. I know I need to change things. I know this isn't how I want to be living. The problem is I cannot push myself to do anything at all anymore, I feel like I've completely trapped myself in this hell I've been living in. I'm really pathetic too because the one thing I feel that is keeping me down the most is the fact that I'll be 34 in a few days and I'm single, but at the same time I also have nothing to offer anyone right now and I have no business trying. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it's really pathetic because it drags me down so much it ruins me. I had someone several months ago, then I just threw it all away like a moron. I had a really awesome girl, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I was happy for once, but now I just sit and cry thinking about it because I deeply regret letting her slip away. When I had her I thought I was going to be able to slowly push my way out of this because I had a reason, but now I don't see a reason to try and I just sit here and rot away. Then to make matters worse I had what I thought was going to be another nice relationship recently, but that fell apart. I won't even get into that, if you need to know PM me and I'll gladly tell you all about it.
I wish I could get some sort of antidepressant, but with no job or insurance there's no chance of that. My family does nothing to help, and I don't know anyone outside of the internet anymore so there is no one to help. I feel that at this point I am completely lost, and beyond help anyway. I honestly feel like my problems have seeped into my very soul, and that nothing can save me at this point. I've even been cutting my wrist lately, I don't even know why, I guess hoping that the physical pain will drown out the mental pain. Yeah I know I have problems, I'm completely messed up, I don't need anyone telling me that. Well I don't care anymore, if I had a quick and pain free way to do it I would just end it all I don't care.
I wish I could get some sort of antidepressant, but with no job or insurance there's no chance of that. My family does nothing to help, and I don't know anyone outside of the internet anymore so there is no one to help. I feel that at this point I am completely lost, and beyond help anyway. I honestly feel like my problems have seeped into my very soul, and that nothing can save me at this point. I've even been cutting my wrist lately, I don't even know why, I guess hoping that the physical pain will drown out the mental pain. Yeah I know I have problems, I'm completely messed up, I don't need anyone telling me that. Well I don't care anymore, if I had a quick and pain free way to do it I would just end it all I don't care.