nothing left to give

I know I need to get myself going. I know I need to change things. I know this isn't how I want to be living. The problem is I cannot push myself to do anything at all anymore, I feel like I've completely trapped myself in this hell I've been living in. I'm really pathetic too because the one thing I feel that is keeping me down the most is the fact that I'll be 34 in a few days and I'm single, but at the same time I also have nothing to offer anyone right now and I have no business trying. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it's really pathetic because it drags me down so much it ruins me. I had someone several months ago, then I just threw it all away like a moron. I had a really awesome girl, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I was happy for once, but now I just sit and cry thinking about it because I deeply regret letting her slip away. When I had her I thought I was going to be able to slowly push my way out of this because I had a reason, but now I don't see a reason to try and I just sit here and rot away. Then to make matters worse I had what I thought was going to be another nice relationship recently, but that fell apart. I won't even get into that, if you need to know PM me and I'll gladly tell you all about it.

I wish I could get some sort of antidepressant, but with no job or insurance there's no chance of that. My family does nothing to help, and I don't know anyone outside of the internet anymore so there is no one to help. I feel that at this point I am completely lost, and beyond help anyway. I honestly feel like my problems have seeped into my very soul, and that nothing can save me at this point. I've even been cutting my wrist lately, I don't even know why, I guess hoping that the physical pain will drown out the mental pain. Yeah I know I have problems, I'm completely messed up, I don't need anyone telling me that. Well I don't care anymore, if I had a quick and pain free way to do it I would just end it all I don't care.

haywud said:

I know I need to get myself going. I know I need to change things. I know this isn't how I want to be living. The problem is I cannot push myself to do anything at all anymore, I feel like I've completely trapped myself in this hell I've been living in. I'm really pathetic too because the one thing I feel that is keeping me down the most is the fact that I'll be 34 in a few days and I'm single, but at the same time I also have nothing to offer anyone right now and I have no business trying. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it's really pathetic because it drags me down so much it ruins me. I had someone several months ago, then I just threw it all away like a moron. I had a really awesome girl, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I was happy for once, but now I just sit and cry thinking about it because I deeply regret letting her slip away. When I had her I thought I was going to be able to slowly push my way out of this because I had a reason, but now I don't see a reason to try and I just sit here and rot away. Then to make matters worse I had what I thought was going to be another nice relationship recently, but that fell apart. I won't even get into that, if you need to know PM me and I'll gladly tell you all about it.

I wish I could get some sort of antidepressant, but with no job or insurance there's no chance of that. My family does nothing to help, and I don't know anyone outside of the internet anymore so there is no one to help. I feel that at this point I am completely lost, and beyond help anyway. I honestly feel like my problems have seeped into my very soul, and that nothing can save me at this point. I've even been cutting my wrist lately, I don't even know why, I guess hoping that the physical pain will drown out the mental pain. Yeah I know I have problems, I'm completely messed up, I don't need anyone telling me that. Well I don't care anymore, if I had a quick and pain free way to do it I would just end it all I don't care.

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Haywud, age means nothing, when you are meant to find the person that is right for you you will, have hope in that. I am 36, I found him a year ago, by absolute chance. I myself, have nothing to offer either, except complications, impulsiveness and cat hair all over everything. 
Don´t give up, you have more to offer than you think. You just need to find someone who sees that.

haywud said:

I know I need to get myself going. I know I need to change things. I know this isn't how I want to be living. The problem is I cannot push myself to do anything at all anymore, I feel like I've completely trapped myself in this hell I've been living in. I'm really pathetic too because the one thing I feel that is keeping me down the most is the fact that I'll be 34 in a few days and I'm single, but at the same time I also have nothing to offer anyone right now and I have no business trying. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it's really pathetic because it drags me down so much it ruins me. I had someone several months ago, then I just threw it all away like a moron. I had a really awesome girl, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I was happy for once, but now I just sit and cry thinking about it because I deeply regret letting her slip away. When I had her I thought I was going to be able to slowly push my way out of this because I had a reason, but now I don't see a reason to try and I just sit here and rot away. Then to make matters worse I had what I thought was going to be another nice relationship recently, but that fell apart. I won't even get into that, if you need to know PM me and I'll gladly tell you all about it.

I wish I could get some sort of antidepressant, but with no job or insurance there's no chance of that. My family does nothing to help, and I don't know anyone outside of the internet anymore so there is no one to help. I feel that at this point I am completely lost, and beyond help anyway. I honestly feel like my problems have seeped into my very soul, and that nothing can save me at this point. I've even been cutting my wrist lately, I don't even know why, I guess hoping that the physical pain will drown out the mental pain. Yeah I know I have problems, I'm completely messed up, I don't need anyone telling me that. Well I don't care anymore, if I had a quick and pain free way to do it I would just end it all I don't care.

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Listen I care about you and please contact me on Skype if you ever need to talk. You know that I'm always here for you. You're not messed up. Right now you're just depressed and going through a hard time. We all go through this in life and everyone feels like giving up or thinking that life sucks. You have a reason for living. Hope you end up getting on some antidepressant soon or something to relieve the sadness that you're feeling. Believe it's horrible how you're family doesn't do anything to help you. Had no idea about you cutting yourself.    

Wish there was something I could do to help you in some way. You may still continue to feel like you're messed up but you're not. Call a hotline or something if it ends up getting worse please. 

Hey dude.
I'm 38 and single and can easily relate. My problems have seeped into my very soul too ;-)
Got a thread somewhere where I write 'em all. Suffice it to say, even when it's bleakest...life goes on. Odds are, 3, 4, 5 years from now, you'll wonder how you got so low.
You have to start small. Can't change everything in a heartbeat. First thing you should do is eliminate the cutting, because wether you believe it or not, your life IS important. What might seem like family not caring about you would turn into something else entirely if something happened to you. You want an example? 6'o'clock news. Full of stories of people who don't understand why someone they love got sent to the hospital and beat themselves up over it.

If you do want to feel pain that helps, and trust me you'll feel pain and trust me it'll help; exercise. I don't mean walk-jogging for 15 minutes, I mean REALLY exercise, until your arms hurt so much you wonder how come you're able to hold that glass, your feet hurt so much from running you think they might be bleeding ;-) You don't need anything even, you obviously have access to a computer, so check online for exercise. I started at the time with a Canadian military program that required chairs, a broom, towels and 45 minutes. Hurt so badly, didn't walk straight for two weeks. Added benefit of making me stronger and showing me there were things I could accomplish by myself, when I felt I couldn't.
And since I ain't better than you are, you can too.

As for the girl...I know very well about the "one that got away", specifically because you push her back. I pushed mine back so she could go live the life she used to tell me she always dreamed of. I have to bear the responsibility of those actions every day, and I'd be lying if I said I STILL didn't feel guilty about it. It's on me. But life goes on, it has to. Sometimes you meet the darndest people, just when you least expect it. For all you know, tomorrow morning you're going to meet your future wife and you'll wonder how come you EVER thought you'd be with someone else than her all your life. You just gotta hang in there until then. Anti-depressant would probably help, but talking to someone regularly, a friend, a professional, even a hot-line, and there are tons of those usually if you look for them, can get your gear going.

All this to say man, hang in there. As cliche as it sounds, it's after the deepest night that the sun shines the brightest. Although you might not feel that way now, you will eventually. Grit your teeth and hang on. If depression rears it's ugly head, kick it's ass, 'cos you're tougher than it is. I'll even quote you some **** Rocky Balboa, because it's **** true; "Nothing hits harder than life! But it's not about how hard you can hit; it's about how much you can get hit, how much you can take and keep moving forward".

Take care, brother.

Haywud, I care even if we haven't talked much.
When you find someone, it shouldn't be about what materialistic things you could give, it should be about how you act, support, hang out (as in picnics, walks, cinemas etc) and similar.
As of now, however, what you seem to need is to not feel equally bad, not to instantaneously fix everything. I'd say, start by setting a goal? A small one, one you feel you could reach, even if it takes a long time. It'd be completely okay, just saying. I have witnessed people almost leave, just to then get some unbelievably neat hope to cling to, so it can happen. There is the possibility it will not, but unless you stayed you'd never know.
Sorry for the late answer, but I haven't logged in for a long time :S I hope everything's fine!